


Don't Let Me Drown

by VengeanceAngel



Series: When I'm Silent [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: And there's lots of Steve but it's all whump, Because I'm having a bad night, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Billy goes to college, Billy is a huge asshole at first, Billy learns to be human, But it's heading that way, But only this part, Depression, Domestic Violence, F/M, False accusations of attempted rape, For Steve and Billy, Homophobia, Hurt Steve Harrington, Kind of Billy-centric, M/M, Mostly this is about Billy's redemption arc beginning, No romantic Billy/Steve in this one, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Physical Torture, Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Billy Hargrove, Psychological Torture, Remember NO romance in this one... at all, Self-Harm, Sexual Torture, Sexual Violence, Slow Burn, Steve Needs a Hug, Steve's parents are horrible people, Suicide Attempt, Torture, Violence, conversion therapy, is evil, this is dark, very slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-10-04
Packaged: 2019-10-11 23:24:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 37
Words: 157,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17456261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VengeanceAngel/pseuds/VengeanceAngel
Summary: Billy is (at first) an awful person and tries to destroy Steve in unimaginable ways that set things into motion that Billy never sees coming. Steve can't handle it anymore and makes an impulsive decision. Billy learns about what Steve's been through and, thanks to a college education that opens his eyes to the world and his place in it, chooses to right the wrongs of his recent past with terrifying results. Steve can't cope. Billy wants to save him. Together they might be able to find a way out of the darkness.Title is from lyrics to Drown by Bring Me The Horizon





	1. Tonight - Steve

**Author's Note:**

> Mind the tags! It's not a good fic and these are the kinds I usually write. I have gotten criticism in the past for writing these types of fics, but if you don't like them, don't read them. If you do like them, then you have an author to go to when you need to read the sexual violence and angst. I am allowing anonymous commenting on this one, but will delete anything disrespectful because that is just how I roll.

Steve looks out at the woods behind his house and wonders if something is looking back. He taps the edge of the kitchen knife against the diving board that he’s taken up residence on for the past ten minutes. His hands are chilled, but the grip on the knife doesn’t change. He dangles his bare feet in the water, steam rising up in a futile attempt to warm the boy. He knows how Barb died. He knows that she was sitting at the pool and he knows that this thing doesn’t like heat. He had turned the heating unit off for the pool, but it is taking longer than he thought it would for the water to chill. And so he tap tap taps the knife and listens to the echo of it. He hopes that the sound is carrying to the other side, to the Upside Down. 

His face hurts. The bruises from the fight with Billy Hargrove are long gone, but sometimes it still hurts. Sometimes he thinks that the pain is from Jonathan’s fists instead. Sometimes he thinks that it doesn’t matter who hurts him as long as he hurts. He lets out a frustrated growl at the feeling of a tear trailing down his face, the warmth of it startling against the icy flesh of his cheek. He ignores the sting of it. He refuses to think of it anymore. His nostrils flare with the effort of not crying any more than he already has. Feeling anything right now is a distraction from the goal that he’s set for himself tonight.

His hand tightens on the handle of the knife and he taps it again. “Here kitty….” Steve gasps at the wrecked sound of his own voice. He whimpers and shakes his head as if he can shake away the grief and fear that is creeping up his spine. He sucks in a shuddering breath and then lets it out slowly. The winter has not been kind to Hawkins and the snow still sits on the ground in most spots, only melted in the areas where the cold rain has turned the fluffy drifts into compacted ice. Again he breathes and then taps.

 _Breathe, tap, breathe, tap tap, breathe, tap, breathe, tap tap_

It becomes a rhythm and he finds himself rocking back and forth slowly to it, but that soon becomes dangerous as his eyes heat up again with unshed tears. He won’t allow them to fall. He rubs his thumb against the edge of the knife’s handle. He’ll cut out his eyes first, he thinks. 

_Breathe, tap, breathe, tap tap, breathe, tap, breathe, tap tap_


	2. Nine Months Ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy is awful to Steve and steals his dreams.

“Hey King Steve!” Billy’s voice ricochets off the walls of the locker room. Steve closes his eyes and takes a steadying breath. He knows that it’s almost over and that basketball season is winding down. He has practiced until he can’t possibly get any better. He is going to make this work for him as his first priority. He knows that scouts will be at the state finals, the first for Hawkins High School, and he doesn’t have everything riding on this, but he feels as if succeeding in getting a scholarship will make his college education his own and not something that he owes his father for later on. 

Steve doesn’t realize how lost in his thoughts he is until Billy’s voice is right behind him. “Your highness…. Are you ignoring your faithful servant?” Steve registers the laughter around him and he turns around as he closes his locker.

“What do you need, Hargrove?” 

Billy smiles that shit eating grin of his and looks Steve up and down. “What I _need_ is for you to move your fat ass so I can get to my shit, King Steve.”

Steve frowns and looks down at Billy’s locker, at least four lockers away. “It’s right there…” He is genuinely confused at the comment.

“But you’re in my way, King Steve. You’re taking up most of the space. It’s hard to breathe with your stench around. You really do stink, you know. Your performance out there is shit at best.”

Steve again tries to figure out what’s happening. He worked hard on the court and he knows that he’s improved. “Please don’t call me King Steve. It’s not my name.” He starts to move away but finds himself slammed back against the locker. “Hey!”

“Be careful, Harrington. Wouldn’t want you to lose your balance and not be able to play anymore for the end of the season.” Billy’s eyes seem to light up as fear shows through Steve’s widened eyes. “Hate to see you benched, bitch.”

Steve’s breathing quickens. “Hargrove… _Billy_ , please. I need to play this week. I’ll stay out of your way. I’ll do whatever, but please don’t fuck things up for me this week.”

Billy starts to laugh, cruel amusement curling his lips up more. “Oh… how precious. _Princess_ Steve begging so pretty. The only thing going on this week is…” He laughs again. “Oh hell…” He turns to the group, keeping his grip on Steve’s shirt. “Hey boys! Harrington here thinks he’s going to be scouted!” He turns back to Steve as the laughter begins anew. “You suck, Harrington. Nobody wants you. Hope you have a backup plan.” 

Steve has dreamed of this time of his life for years. It’s the one thing that he’s always felt good at and being laughed at because of it isn’t something he’s taking well. He reaches up and shoves Billy hard. “Get off of me, Hargrove!”

Billy lets go of Steve’s shirt and stumbles back, a look of anger flashing across his face right before his fist crashes into Steve’s face. “You think you can push me, pretty boy!? Maybe you just need to not be pretty anymore!” 

The next week goes by smoothly for Billy and he and the other guys on the basketball team decide that Steve has enough money to get by on his own. Billy, however, steals Steve’s idea. He plays like a champ at that game and they win by 12 points. Nobody passes the ball to Steve. It is bad enough that the coach benches the mighty king for most of the game. The dejected look on his bruised and battered face from the ass kicking that Billy had given him the night before to make sure he couldn’t play at his best was enough fuel to get Billy through and to make scouts talk to him after the game. If Billy wants, he will be able to go to a couple different colleges on a basketball scholarship. Billy’s father seems almost proud of him when he finds out and goes a whole two weeks without putting a hand on his son. But no amount of his father’s anger can dampen Billy’s joy. He is finally getting out of Hawkins as soon as he graduates. And the best kept secret is that Billy’s grades are good enough that he will be able to hold his own in college regardless of how he gets there.


	3. Seven Months Ago

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy again destroys Steve and takes away everything Steve cares about. Steve's parents are horrible people in this and should probably be killed for their part in Steve's destruction.

Billy Hargrove looks at his father and groans as the older man pushes him again. 

Neil has a lot of rage in him, but nothing compared to his son. Billy has managed to get into yet another bad situation and his father is throwing out words like ‘queer’ and ‘faggot’ and everything that Billy calls Steve Harrington on a daily basis. It’s different when his father says it, though, and he thinks back to what he did to bring down the mighty King Steve recently. Billy has never loved getting what he wanted so much in his life and this seems like an appropriate enough downside since he refuses to apologize to the pampered princess in this lifetime. 

“So you’re a fucking faggot and you and this boy…. Harrington… you were fucking around behind the school and that’s why this man… this man comes to my home and tells me to keep you away from his son? He talked _down_ to me, you worthless shit! Nobody talks down to me in my own fucking home.”

Billy’s eyes narrow at him. “You just said someone did.” 

He has to admit that he might have deserved the next shove into the wall. But then he laughs because it occurs to him that his father is shoving him and maybe will throw a punch or two, but this is the first time he thinks he’s getting off easy. He heard the great Mr. Harrington earlier and had to give the guy credit. He was far more homophobic than his own father. He can just see the man giving Steve a dressing down and maybe even taking away his car for a whole week. Billy can take a lot, but Steve will crumble under his father’s _disappointment_. 

The rumor that Billy spread is that Steve had confessed his love to him and tried to molest him behind the school. It is supposed to be harmless. Just another way to knock him down a peg before graduation, but the school administration finds out today and apparently thinks that it is a legitimate attack. Billy nearly giggles that morning at the school referring to him as a victim. And Steve, he stands there quiet. He doesn’t even defend himself. And when the principal says that their parents are going to be called, Steve doesn’t flinch. Billy does argue that Steve shouldn’t be expelled so close to graduation and refuses to press charges. And Billy ends up looking like a compassionate hero to Steve’s evil persona. Even Tommy and Carol believe it. Nancy isn’t so sure, but she seems to admit that maybe Steve did come on to Billy at the very least. 

And the kids…. Parents eventually issue declarations that they are not to be near Steve Harrington. Max and Lucas are taken from Steve. Dustin's mother doesn't believe the rumors, but she isn't as quick to let Dustin spend time with Steve and never alone. Joyce Byers practically screams at anyone who thinks that Steve could ever hurt a child and she has no issues with him babysitting Will until Will starts getting bullied because of it. Joyce reluctantly pulls Will away from Steve and asks Jonathan to look after the teen until the matter is settled. The Wheelers not only forbid their children from talking to Steve, but they make sure that other parents know what a danger he is. 

Billy knows that Steve is pampered, but being outed to his parents as a queer, as a rapist queer, didn’t even seem to bother him. _He’s in for a surprise when he sees his dad tonight._

Billy has no idea just how wrong he is. After his father is done berating him and Billy swears up and down that he likes pussy more than any guy he’s ever met, he decides to reap the rewards of his prank and heads to Harrington’s house. He parks far enough away that he can’t be detected and walks toward the large house. With no neighbors, Billy doesn’t have to be cautious that he’ll be called out for his stalker behavior. He tries not to laugh as he can make out the yelling of the man he had heard earlier in his home from a good fifty yards away. As he gets closer, though, the words start to become clearer. He hears “faggot” and “queer,” which he expects. But he also hears “worthless loser,” and “wish you were never born,” and “we didn’t even want you.” This causes Billy to stop in his tracks. 

He knows that Steve is rich and pampered, but he never thought he was talked to this way. The smile that spreads across his face is more of a reaction to the guilt coiling in his gut that he can’t find the ability to admit to. He walks forward faster and finds himself jogging, not wanting to miss a thing. He finds a spot where he can see what’s going on and can only see Mr. Harrington’s back facing the couch where Steve’s leg bounces like crazy. Again, the smile comes. At least until the elder Harrington moves. 

Billy expected a look of defiance or even a stoic silence, but Steve is openly sobbing. Billy feels that uncomfortable pinch of guilt again, but then reminds himself that Steve is still getting off easy. But then his father calls him a “rapist fag” and backhands Steve so hard that Billy can almost feel it. The cry that comes from the boy inside scratches at Billy’s mind and he feels his chest tighten. Billy’s father hits him, but this, what he’s witnessing as Steve’s father only becomes more enraged is a full on beating. Steve is doing everything to ward off the blows, but his father is alternating between punching and kicking. 

Billy is about to pound on the window to stop it when he sees a woman walk into the room. He realizes this must be Steve’s mother and she will most likely put a stop to it. When she walks past them to get a drink and doesn’t acknowledge the beating, Billy’s fists clench. He can feel the chill from the woman from here and Steve has grown up with it. Again, he thinks of raising his hand to hit the window, but then he stops seeing Steve’s father and sees himself instead. Who is he to judge when he has done the same thing to the sobbing and screaming boy?

He walks away to the sound of Steve’s pleas to his father, to his mother, to God. The figurative slap in the face of seeing his future overwhelms the desire to stop Steve from experiencing this night at his father’s hand and he tells himself that he doesn’t give a shit anyway.


	4. Six Months Ago - Billy

Graduation comes and goes and Billy is off to college. He looks around and doesn’t see Steve. He smirks as the thought of the mighty king falling from his throne to the point that he can’t even show his face at the ceremony. He does the expected pictures with his father and Susan and Max. He hates it, but the fact that he’s gotten a scholarship means people are watching and the picture perfect family that Neil wants to show requires him to act like a decent human being. 

Billy, having just turned 18, thinks of all of his things packed into his car. He wonders what his fucking father will think once he gets home and eventually opens the bedroom door to realize that the ceremony is most likely the last time he’ll ever see his son again. 

He decides to move in with a girl who catches his eye after running into her at a party. She works at a local salon as a nail tech and makes enough money for a shitty apartment about five miles outside of town. She’s cute enough that Billy lets her suck him off. The sex is alright, but Billy never feels the earth move after his orgasms and he isn’t overly interested in getting her off, but he does because he needs her to keep him in her apartment until he can skip town for college. 

He attends numerous parties in that time and manages to stay away from drugs because he has no intention of fucking up his scholarship before he even gets the chance to use it. 

With his friends, he calls it the Harrington Scholarship because he knows that he snatched it right out of that asshole’s hands and he considers that more of an accomplishment than anything else. But even now, Billy isn’t quite as obsessed with dragging the other boy down. Part of Billy’s hatred for him is most likely jealousy, but that beat down that he took a month ago is enough for Billy to feel vindicated that he isn’t part of a wealthy family. 

Jonathan comes up to him at one of these many parties, Nancy right behind him. Billy smiles at the other boy. “Hey Byers, I see you still have your shadow with you.” He nods in mock respect to Nancy. 

Jonathan scoffs. “I don’t care what anyone says, Hargrove. You’re full of shit. School is over now. Don’t you think it’s finally time to set things right with Steve? You know that he never did anything to you. Fuck, nobody even saw you two together by the back of the school. I know you made up the whole thing.”

Nancy pulls at Jonathan’s sleeve. “Hey, you don’t know that. I could see Steve being….you know….”

Billy laughs. “Queer?” He raises his voice. “You hear that? His own ex thinks he’s gay!”

“That’s not what I said!” Nancy looks around, embarrassed. “I’m just saying that maybe… it’s not an awful thing, is it?” She shrugs. “He was fine with me so maybe… maybe he’s not. I don’t know.”

Jonathan glares at her and then looks back to Billy. “I don’t care about whether or not he’s gay! I care about the fact that you accused him of something he did not do. I’m worried about him and you’re just sitting on your fucking throne like it even matters. You are a nobody, Billy Hargrove, and you can say whatever you want about Steve, but he is more of a man than you will ever be!”

It hits too close for Billy and he punches Jonathan square in the face, but that’s the last punch he gets in as Jonathan quite soundly kicks his ass. It is only when Nancy pulls him away that Billy can catch his breath. He stands and quickly recovers, smiling that big smile of his. “Someone get me a drink!” He seems energized by the fight and that is enough to prove to most of the people there that he’s crazy and they don’t want to get on his bad side. They laugh with him and find him that drink, hoping that his insanity won’t turn on them anytime soon, if ever.


	5. Six Months Ago - Steve

He looks over at the clock and realizes that his classmates are probably walking across the stage now. He remembers really looking forward to that for a lot of years. It doesn’t matter now. He looks up at his father, who is holding the thin envelope in his hands. “Dad, please… just open it.”

His father sighs in frustration and rips the letter open. He stares at it for a moment and then throws it in Steve’s face. “Surprise, surprise. Another rejection. How did I have a son that is so fucking stupid? Not one fucking college wants you. You’re useless.” The man paces back and forth and looks over at his wife, who is sitting over in the recliner nearby. “What do you think?”

She leans forward. “I think we have to help our son regain his life.”

Steve’s eyes widen. “Wait… really?” He stands up. “I know that this is a big sacrifice for you and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ll do everything I can to keep my grades up and I’ll-“

Steve’s father starts laughing. “College? Is that what you’re thinking? I can’t send you there with all those faggots just waiting to keep you stuck in your perverted behaviors. No. I am going to fix you and then maybe we can talk about you working for me. But college is out of the question. I won’t have a Harrington exposed to all that depravity.”

“Fix me? I don’t understand. I told you… I didn’t do what he said I did!”

“Maybe, but you still haven’t convinced me that you’re not gay.”

Steve purses his lips. It was a sore spot for him. He knows a guy from the local record store and he knows that he’s bisexual and he’s not about to give his father the satisfaction of thinking that Steve believes there is anything wrong with being different. Maybe Steve isn’t gay. Maybe he is. Hell, he doesn’t even know anymore. He’s never really thought about it. He has always been expected to do things so he did them. But maybe the reason that he’s slept with so many girls is because he’s looking for something else. He thinks that it’s a possibility and there have been a few times while watching a movie or something that he starts to think of the leading male character in a way that he doesn’t about the females. He’s always shaken off that notion and he will continue to do so. Being on the receiving end of his father’s anger is not a common event since his parents are rarely around, but it’s enough that he avoids it at all costs. 

“I don’t see why that matters.” 

His father throws up his hands in frustration. “It matters!” He goes over to the desk and pulls out a brochure. “I’ve been in contact with some of the best professionals in the country. You are going to Florida. Don’t bother packing your swimming trunks. You won’t have time for leisure.” He hands the brochure to Steve. 

Steve glances over it and frowns, not really understanding. “You want me to go to a center for therapy? But… why?”

“Because you’re sick! You know that you’re mentally ill, right? You need to get your head on right and this place is going to do it.”

Steve shakes his head, getting a bad feeling about what he’s seeing. “But I don’t want to go.”

Steve’s father smiles dangerously. “You don’t have a choice. I have friends willing to claim that your perversions have made it impossible for you to make your own decisions. Do you really want me to take that step?”

Steve bites his lower lip and looks at the brochure of the men smiling and acting as if they’ve found some sort of peace. There are “success stories” and pictures of men with their arms around beautiful women, some with children. He knows that is the life he’s supposed to want, the life that’s ‘normal.’ He shrugs. “I guess I can try it.”

“Good. Good, that’s what I want to hear. Maybe you’re not a lost cause after all.” He gestures for Steve to go. “Get packed. You leave in the morning.”

Steve glances up again. “So soon?”

Steve’s father is sitting at his desk. “No reason to wait. And there’s nothing for you here until you get this taken care of. You’d better hope it works.”

Steve walks upstairs and feels as if he’s being weighed down as he gets closer to his room. He opens the door and looks around the bedroom, secretly wondering if he’s ever going to see his father again after tomorrow morning. Maybe he’s being sent away and won’t be welcomed back. He isn’t sure he cares anymore. He starts scratching at his wrist, not sure why it’s helpful. After the skin is red and swollen, he stops and starts packing his bags. It doesn’t take long as he doesn’t think he wants anything from his father or mother anymore. 

He sits on the bed and looks at the brochure again. Conversion therapy. He isn’t sure what that means, but the center looks a little sketchy. After all, there are no pictures of the facility and the brochure doesn’t really say anything useful other than it offers hope. He doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to be hoping for and thinks that his father doesn’t know, either. He lays back on his bed and tries to imagine what this therapy is going to be like. After an hour or so, he falls asleep. When he wakes up, it’s almost five in the morning and his father is banging on his door. “Get your ass up. The car’s here.”

Steve scrambles up and runs into the bathroom. He comes out a bit later and grabs his bag. “Car? But… you’re not taking me?”

Steve’s father shakes his head. “No, I don’t need to be there. And your mother really doesn’t want to see you until you get things solved.” He walks into his room without another word and shuts the door.  


Steve stares at the door and then takes a deep breath and heads downstairs for this journey toward actual hope. He knows one thing that he’s hopeful for. He’s hoping that this isn’t a fluke and that his life will finally be worth living, according to his father, when this is all finished.


	6. Five Months Ago - Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy has sex with his girlfriend and makes some discoveries

Billy raises up on his elbows after Rebecca, the pretty nail tech, comes hard from his mouth. He smiles up at her. “You like that, baby?” 

She grins. “Yeah, now I can return the favor.”

Billy tries to move away, but she manages to grab him. “It’s good.”

“You’re not even hard.” She scoots up on the bed. “What’s been up with you lately? You’re barely with me anymore in the bedroom department.” 

He sighs. It’s not the first time they’ve had this conversation and he’s hoping that he can keep things moving for another month so he can have a place to live until college starts. “Baby baby baby, you know you get me going. I think that I’m just…. Nervous. I’m leaving soon and the idea of you being here without me to stake my claim. I know some guy is going to snatch you up.” He lies easily enough. He’s planning to forget her name before he even gets on the bus. 

“Oh Billy, you know I’ll wait for you. Nobody eats a pussy like you.” She smiles and Billy wants to roll his eyes, but manages to stop himself. “Anyway, I’m expecting a big fat fucking ring on my finger once you sign up for the pros.” 

Billy stands up and starts pulling on his clothes. “We’ll see. I might not get that chance, you know. And I’m not really sure what I want to do as far as a career. I have some ideas, but it might not pull in the huge salary.”

“Whatever. As long as I get out of this hick town, I’ll be fine.” She lights up a cigarette and studies him. “Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something about a thing I heard.”

“Can it wait? I want to get to the store before it closes. I need smokes and I can’t smoke that menthol shit that you do.”

“We got time.” She takes another drag of her cigarette. “You a fairy or something?”

Billy pauses in his preparations and glances over at her. “Where the fuck did you hear that bullshit?”

She shrugs. “Just around. Heard you and some guy were fucking when you were in high school.”

Billy laughs and sits back down on the bed to put his shoes on. “No. That’s definitely not a thing. Harrington and I just… we hated each other. And then he got a crush and I turned him down. That was the end of it.” Billy has made it a habit not to talk about the rumor he started about Steve touching him. For some reason, after witnessing Steve’s punishment that night, it doesn’t seem fair to keep that going. 

“Oh shit, baby. Some fag try to shove his dick up my Billy boy?” She leans in and starts kissing his neck. “I’d let you, you know…”

Billy sits there quietly and lets her slobber on him before pushing her gently back. “Let me what?”

She grins. “Put your dick in my ass. I’d let you.”

Billy feels his pants getting tight already. “Seriously?”

She nods. “Yeah, why not? You and me, we’re forever.”

Billy stands up again. “Alright. I’m going to the store. When I get back, maybe we do that. You can be my first.” He kisses her, telling himself that there’s nothing wrong with finally getting hard and only at the thought of anal. Doesn’t mean that he likes guys or anything or wants anything up his ass. He rubs his hands against his outer thighs as his palms start to sweat. 

He goes to the store and gets his smokes, but doesn’t go straight back. He sits in his car and smokes a few, thinking again about this girl and her bullshit. Maybe he just isn’t attracted to _her_. But she’s got those perky little breasts and legs that go on for miles. Her blonde hair isn’t real, but it’s pretty good looking on her. And her lips are definitely made for sucking dick. He imagines it now as he thrusts up into her mouth. He closes his eyes and starts to palm himself through his jeans. He thinks about Rebecca moving on him and how he would fist his hands in her perfectly coiffed dark hair as a decidedly masculine moan vibrates his cock and-. He gasps and jerks his hand away from his crotch. He’s not sure where that image came from and he doesn’t care. He pushes it away, refusing to even acknowledge it. 

Back at the apartment, he yanks his clothes off and pulls Rebecca to him as soon as she walks out of the bathroom. He kisses her as if he’s starving for her. “Lotion, yeah? You gotta have something to help ease the way?”

She smiles. “Oh my bad Billy boy. You want my ass, sugar?”

“I really really do.” He nips lightly at her lips. 

She goes over to the drawer in her bedside table and pulls out some lotion and another condom and tosses them to him. “You know how to do this or do you need some help?”

Billy shakes his head. “I, uh… I may have watched a porn or ten in my life.” He smiles nervously, but then changes it so that he’s smiling wide, not willing to admit that he’s worried that he’s not going to be able to keep it up. 

He prepares her and when she says she’s ready, he pulls on the condom and pushes in slow. The little needy whines she’s making isn’t helping, though, and he tunes her out, focusing on the feel of her around him. He begins to move faster, reaching around to play with her clit. She screams into the pillow after what seems like only a few minutes. Her panting breaths help him continue since she’s not talking or screaming or doing anything that reminds him that he’s with _her_. 

As he gets closer, he starts to stutter out his desires. “St… St…” He changes the sound quickly. “Shit…. Shit shit shit.” He slams in one more time and empties into the condom. He pulls out as slow as he went in and ties off the condom, tossing it in the trash. “Not bad.” He flops down on the bed and pulls her with him. 

“Not bad? Hell, if that’s your thing, I can make it work for me.” She curls into him and starts to fall asleep. 

Billy stares at the ceiling and wonders why, when he reached around her, he was reaching for a dick.


	7. Five Months Ago - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's first month of conversion therapy goes about as well as can be expected and his second month there doesn't start out great, either. He is trying to hold onto hope, but as things get worse, it gets more difficult for him to believe that he's ever going to get out. 
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer as I technically go backward to give you a look at what his first month was like. This chapter actually takes place at the beginning of his second month. 
> 
> Flashback to the first day is in _italics_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEED THE WARNINGS!
> 
> Please understand that conversion therapy is different world wide and I took some of the worst of the worst and put Steve in the middle of it. There is some torture mentioned and religious references. I have nothing against Christianity, but nobody can argue the fact that some extreme groups do use a distorted view of religion to hurt others so that's how it's presented here. Again, please be mindful of yourself and stop reading if you begin to get affected in a negative way.

Steve sits up slowly, the sound of the house alarm going off to remind him that it’s time to wake up. He pulls on the orange scrubs that everyone has to wear their first month in the house and files out into the hallway with eight other men. All of them have arrived in the last two weeks or so. He knows that six of them are leaving today. As he waits in line to use the bathroom, he thinks back to when he first arrived, a full month ago. He is hoping his review today will allow him to finally go home. He’s not even sure he remembers what it’s like to be outside and free anymore. 

_His trip to the clinic is uneventful. The airport is full when he gets there. People are traveling with their families and going to various vacation spots. But he is alone and has never been on a family vacation in his life. He looks around and soon sees the name of the clinic on a sign that someone is holding up. He walks over and nods at two other guys who are there. The man holding the sign looks all three up and down and grunts out a sound of disapproval. “Alright, I am only waiting for three. Let’s go.” He walks off and Steve and the others scramble to keep up as they go to baggage claim. Once they have everything, the man abruptly walks off again and again Steve is rushing not to lose him._

_The car is nice and roomy and Steve leans his head back and closes his eyes, trying to picture what his week there will look like. He must fall asleep because he opens his eyes and the car has stopped in front of a large mansion. It looks kind of run down. There is peeling paint on the shutters. Steve imagines they must have been white at some point, but they look almost gray due to some half-hearted painting probably years ago. The yard is an interesting blend of cut grass and poorly maintained flower beds. The weeds are certainly not overgrown, but they are present. The flowers look withered and Steve hopes that it’s because everyone is too busy having fun inside the house doing crafts or playing games or whatever one does at a therapy house._

_He walks in with the other two and is quickly separated and taken to a room by a large man who looks like he may have been a boxer when he was younger, but is now worn down to the point that he looks grizzled and angry permanently. He sees some men walking around and recognizes that some look really happy while others look as if they’re just pretending. He catches one that looks as if he’s going to cry until he notices Steve watching him. Then he plasters on a watery smile. Steve feels his skin crawl with concern as he continues to his room._

_He isn’t impressed. The room is more like a closet with a single bed and a dresser, with a lamp on it. He is told there is a bathroom down the hall, but that there are 15 minute sign up times for it with 10 minute spaces between as nobody is allowed to be near the bathroom at the same time. Steve thinks that is crazy, but doesn’t voice it. He is handed a schedule and moves toward his bags, when a hand closes over his. The large man glares at him. “Sorry, faggot. You have to be vetted first.”_

_Steve’s eyes narrow. “Are you sure you’re supposed to use that language in a home that is supposed to be helping people?”_

_The man grins and Steve can only describe it as sinister. “My name is Marcus. You’ll be getting to know me pretty well. You’re the first one I’ve known that is here on the most expensive plan.”_

_Steve feels an itch begin under his skin that can only be compared to how he felt on the bus that night as he waited with the kids for something to happen. “The most expensive plan? I guess.. I mean is this place new or something? You know, if I’m the first?”_

_Marcus shakes his head. “We’ve been here for more than 10 years. Hell, I thought the most expensive was more like a joke, but hell… here you are. Anyway, language isn’t a big deal for you. Therapy, prayer, and a lot of chores for people who aren’t improving. Some are here for a whole month before they get right in the head. That’s the longest we can keep them usually.”_

_Steve sighs in relief. He’s terrified of being there for a month instead of a week as noted in the brochure, but he also knows that there’s an end in sight since he can’t be kept for very long. Those hopes are dashed when Marcus continues talking._

_“But you… you can be kept here for six months. I’ve never had one that we can keep that long. Three months limit is the most I’ve ever seen. Most people don’t have the money for the six month plan.” He grins that grin again and Steve feels his blood run cold._

_“How do I avoid that?”_

_“You convince us that you’re healthy.” He hands Steve a schedule that has more than a few pages to it and picks up the bags. “You’ll have your things here after orientation. It’s downstairs.” He walks out leaving Steve alone in the room. He wants to cry or rage or scream. Billy Hargrove put him here. He frowns. Or not. His father put him here. Billy may have lit the fuse, but Steve’s inability to vilify people who liked someone of the same sex, his refusal to put himself into a box, is what got him here. Part of him wonders if this place could actually help. If maybe the conflict that he’s felt since he was 8 years old can finally be resolved._

_He heads downstairs and sees the other two guys he came in with. They seem to be in a good mood and he sits apart them as they wait for someone to come orient them to the place. A woman comes in and she’s certainly attractive. Steve watches her move in the tight jeans and the t-shirt that hugs all the right places. She smiles at them._

_“My name is Nancy and I’m here to orient you to the program.”_

_Steve groans inwardly. He isn’t sure what type of sick coincidence this is, but he’s not amused. She starts talking about the history and philosophy of the program and he tunes her out after awhile when she starts talking about Freud. He’s not interested in anything but getting out and doing whatever he has to do to make that happen. He looks up when he hears his name. “Yeah, sorry. What?”_

_She smiles kindly. “I asked if you’ve ever accepted Jesus into your heart.”_

_He pales and tries to figure out what to say to that. He was raised as a Christian, but his church was anything but kind and loving. He managed to skip most of the services for quite some time before his father found out and screamed at him for an hour about the humiliation of his son not representing the Harrington name properly._

_He shrugs. I’m not sure.”_

_Nancy squats in front of him and pats his knee before stroking his denim clad gently. It seems a little too intimate to him considering she just asked him about God. “Oh Steve. It’s okay. You would know if you had. I think we know what is wrong with you just by hearing that.”_

_“God is supposed to be loving and accepting, right? So… why change people?” He asks out of genuine curiosity and hopes that this woman understands that and doesn’t get defensive. He senses the tension of the other two men as they await her answer._

_But the answer doesn’t come from her. Instead a deep male voice interrupts. “That is a very good question, young man. Yes, God is loving and accepting of most.” He comes into view and Steve freezes._

_The man is wearing a gown of sorts that looks like that of a priest, but it is red, a deep red that makes Steve think of blood. The images that brings up of monsters and rows of teeth causes him to shudder. The man is thin and his face is pinched, frightening to look at as if he can curse someone and send them straight to hell if he wants. His eyes are piercing and Steve isn’t sure of the color. They look blue, but it’s a watery gray blue and Steve thinks of the eyes of the victims of the demogorgons that he happened to see after their bodies were recovered. He struggles to look the man in the eyes and focuses on his long nose instead. His graying hair was probably a boring mud brown at some point if the hair curling around his ears is any indication. And his hands, his hands look strong and his fingers remind Steve of claws. He’s not sure why, but that’s the first thought he has. Steve waits and holds his breath, assuming the man is going to answer his other question._

_“God also sets rules for us to live by and he punishes those who are full of sin, like yourself. But he does this out of love as he ultimately wants us to be people he can be proud of and love well.”_

_Steve thinks that sounds more like an abusive father than the deity that he read about in the Bible when he still read it. He still prays, though. And he’s never felt as if is wrong or sick. He wonders if this man in front of him prays. He has a suspicion that all he does is tell God why people should be punished. He can’t help, but ask. “Punish how?”_

_The man smiles and Steve is reminded of a predator. He half expects the man’s face to open up and try to swallow him whole._

_“Well, my child, he does it by forbidding you to set foot in his kingdom. You will burn in hell for all eternity. You see, God loves all, but he hates queers. He hates them, do you understand? But there is hope for you and God works through me, through this institution. He studies all of them carefully. “Which one of you is Steve?”_

_Steve feels his throat tighten. “That would be me, sir.”_

_The man nods slowly. “I’m Father Purcell. I will be overseeing your treatment here for the most part. You are a very important client, young man. Your conversion is a priority.”_

_Steve doesn’t quite know what to say to that and glances at the other men, who almost look sorry for him, before focusing on his shoes and thinks that the ground opening up and burying him would be preferable to sitting there under the gaze of the four people in the room._

_“Nancy, please give our guests a tour and help them acclimate.” He smiles at Steve. “Except you, Steve. You will come with me and we will look over your schedule together.”_

_It’s the first time that Steve has thought about the schedule he’s holding and he looks over to see the other men and finds they have schedules that are only one page. He watches them as they leave and then looks back at Father Purcell. “How come my schedule is longer?”_

_“Because yours is separated by the month for the full six months if you stay here that long. Come along, Mr. Harrington.” He heads off and Steve follows, dread building in his stomach. He is led into an office and it is far more ornate that he expects. The desk is huge and Steve has to wonder if the other man is compensating for something. He smirks, but wipes it from his face as soon as he sees Father Purcell’s disapproving glare. As the older man sits down, he gestures to the schedule. “Go ahead and look through the first page and then feel free to ask me any questions you have.”_

_Steve looks at the schedule, but sometimes glances up at the Father as if he’s afraid the man is going to do something to attack him. Wakeup is at 6 am, followed by breakfast at 6:30 am. He frowns and wonders if he’s going to have the chance to go to the bathroom in the morning. He verbalizes his concern._

_Father Purcell smiles. “Bathroom time in the morning is monitored. Each of you will have a chance to go into the bathroom to relieve your bladders before breakfast.”_

_Steve sighs in relief, grateful that someone around here has some common sense. He looks again and sees that breakfast is over by 7 am and chores begin. This seems to be at the same time as “bathroom time” so he figures the whole point is for people to come and go with chores around the time they sign up for. Lunch is 12:30 pm and 1 pm starts therapy and then a 2 pm Religion spot followed by a 3 pm prayer time for two more hours and then a 5 pm hour of silent meditation. Again, there is bathroom time interspersed from 3 pm to 6 pm. Dinner is 6 pm and then there are chores from 6:30 to 7:30. Finally there are two hours of something titled Aversion Therapy and then preparation for bed. Bathroom time is from 9:30 to midnight. This is most days, but on Sundays chores are replaced by Church. He looks up at the man. “What’s Aversion therapy?”_

_“You will find out this evening.”_

_Steve frowns. “This evening? But… it’s already after 1 and it’s my first day.”_

_The man glares at him. “Yes, and you are going to therapy right after you and I finish here.”_

_Steve looks down at the schedule again, feeling his face heating up under the angry look aimed his way. “How many guys are here? I only saw a few.”_

_“This week there are 13. However, eight are leaving on Friday.” He looks at Steve a bit closer. “You are… pretty. Is that why you have turned from God? I know some men try to look lovely, like a woman. Your hair is… too feminine.”_

_Steve touches his hair lightly. “What? It’s just… I mean it’s just hair. I like to take care of myself.”_

_The Father shakes his head. “No, it is a temptation.” He yells for someone named Victor and Steve turns in time to see another large man come through the doors. This man is blonde and has a scar on his left cheek and it looks as if the injury is as old as Steve. The Father nods toward Steve. “He’s pretty. Fix it.”_

_Steve struggles as Victor manhandles him toward the door, dropping the schedule. The Father calmly picks it up and issues the order for the boy’s head to be shaved. When Steve starts screaming and yelling, Father Purcell closes the door to congratulate himself on his work for the Lord as Steve is taken away._

Steve is startled out of the memory when Marcus calls his name and points toward the bathroom. Steve walks in and goes to the bathroom quickly, washing his hands before heading down to breakfast. He knows that if he doesn’t leave today, he’ll have to wear something different than orange scrubs to show that he’s failed to convert after a month. He knows he’ll start to look more like a character in a cautionary tale. Since that first day, his life has consisted of chores every morning. At first he had to do things like sweep and mop floors, clean windows, clean dishes and wipe down bathrooms. That changed on the third week and he spent most of his time outdoors being watched by one of the men there. He was supposed to mow the lawn and take care of the flower beds. The pain on his skin from the sunburns he had gotten still ached at times. He’s not sure if it’s overly helpful that the showers are so cold usually, but for his burns, it was heaven. His work outside was also difficult because he was forced to go without water. He’s thinner now, the heat from the sun melting the weight off of him. But he’s also leaner as his muscles are toning up with the work. The last week added another chore. There is a room that he has been in many times for aversion therapy and he was told to clean it well. It makes him sick every time, but he supposes that’s the point of it. 

He frowns as breakfast is served. It’s always so greasy and ends up giving him diarrhea. It’s one of the reasons that he hates bathroom duty when he has it. He knows he’s the only person who works full mornings outside and the only one who cleans the aversion therapy room, but at least he shares the other chores. Now that he’s been here the longest, he gets to choose his bathroom time first. He makes sure it’s right before lunch so he can take a shower and get the grime off of him. The diarrhea usually sets in by then, too, but thanks to the timing, he can get away with nearly half an hour of bathroom time if he times the breaks right. 

After an uneventful lunch that consists mostly of beans and lettuce on good days, he goes to therapy. He hates therapy as he sits and tries to talk about his homosexuality. He sticks to the story that he’s not gay and he’s never been gay, but two weeks in, he starts trusting the woman who claims to be his therapist, Paula. He tells her how he had crushes on girls, but sometimes a boy would come along and he started to have the same crushes on him. Once he admits this, he’s treated a little better. She tells him how brave he is for admitting his “sins.” 

But then he tells her how he thinks that it’s okay to feel that way about boys and that he doesn’t want to judge anyone for who they love and how he isn’t okay with anyone judging him for having those feelings. She seems to listen at first, but last week she asks about the last time he had these feelings and he tells her about Billy Hargrove. He tells her about how he wears tight jeans and shirts that he doesn’t bother to button. He talks about how the other boy roared into town in his Camaro and how Steve was more than hopeful that he could at least be friends with him. He also talks about how Billy beat him into a pulp and was cruel to him most of the time. The therapist latches onto that and starts talking to him about how Billy beat him for being attracted to him and how Billy could tell that Steve was a threat. 

Steve is stunned at first, but after a few days, he starts to wonder if he _is_ a threat. She talks to him about the allegations of molesting Billy and he insists that isn’t true, but she says he’s in denial. He stops telling her that it’s false because it doesn’t do any good. 

He sits in the office and watches her, wondering if her report to Father Purcell will be a good one. She frowns at him as she looks over his file and he feels his hope disappear. 

“Steve, something disturbing has happened and I need to tell you so you understand just how difficult your situation is.” She leans forward and closes the folder. “It’s about Billy.”

He squirms uncomfortably as he almost expects something to happen just because he hears the other boy’s name. “What about him?” He hates that he’s not allowed any contact with anyone and that means he is completely out of the loop. 

“He has admitted that the incident at the school was not an isolated one.” 

“What are you talking about?” Steve nervously runs his hand over his head, the hair having grown back about half an inch now, and thinks back on what happened and remembers everything about his interactions with Billy. He doesn’t believe that he hurt Billy and he’s certain the other boy is lying about everything back at home. 

“He has been in contact with the police. He told them the truth, about how you forced yourself on him.”

He stands up. “ _What_? I did _not_! That’s a fucking lie!”

Paula backs up. “Steve, you have to calm down or I’ll be forced to call someone.” 

“Call whoever the hell you want! I never did that. _Never_! I would never hurt _anyone_!”

The woman frowns. “That’s obviously not true, Steve. If you can’t recognize that raping a man who is holding true to the values God intended for us, then you leave me no choice but to write my report that will say that I do not support a decision for you to leave today.” 

“ _No_! I’ve done everything you wanted me to do! Please… please I can’t stay here anymore. I want to see my friends.” He feels the hot tears running down his face and sees Paula press the button on the intercom hooked up to her desk. He barely makes out her telling someone to come in for an issue past the sound of the blood rushing in his ears. When he’s roughly grabbed from behind, he starts to sob. “No, I need to go home. I need to go home!”

He is thrown into a room that he’s never seen. It has a cot in it and a toilet, but nothing else. “No… no, please! I can’t stay in here!” Everything is white and there is a window in the door, but it’s reinforced, which he finds out as he slams his fist against it over and over again with no results. He sits down and sobs helplessly, still not understanding how this is his life. 

He isn’t sure how long he sits there and cries, but eventually there are no tears left and he feels exhausted. He looks over at the toilet and tries to think of the positive point that he doesn’t have to sign up for a time while he’s in here. When Victor comes in with Marcus to give him his food, he realizes that he’s missed the religion and prayer time. He’s grateful as religion is basically men yelling at him about how God hates him and prayer is just him and the others repeating the same thing over and over about how they’re evil and ask forgiveness for their perversions. The prayers vary sometimes, but all in all it’s the same basic thing. Silent meditation is his favorite, though. Nobody is allowed to talk and he sits and tries to pretend he’s somewhere else. His hour of losing himself in his imagination is the most peace he’s found in this place. He eats and goes to the bathroom and waits. He realizes they aren’t making him do chores today when nobody comes to get him. He thinks that hours are passing, which means no aversion therapy. He smiles slightly since he’s gotten out of that for the day. 

But later, when he’s curled up on the cot and trying to fall asleep, his door opens. He looks up into the face of Marcus. “What do you want?”

Marcus beckons Steve to get up. “You have your aversion therapy.”

Steve stands slowly. “It’s only 7:30? I thought it was later…”

“It is. You are not permitted to have yours take place while we are busy monitoring the others. This is the beginning of your second month. Your schedule is different now.” He hands the paper to Steve. “Didn’t you even look through the schedule from your first day?” 

Steve shrugs. “I lost it that day and haven’t seen it since.” He glances through the paper. “Everything has changed.” 

He now has to be up by 5:30 am with breakfast at 6 and the expectation that he be done by 6:20 so the others don’t see him when they come down for breakfast. Marcus explains that if he behaves the first day, he will get to eat in the dining hall for the second month. His meditation, he discovers, means he sits in his cell alone, staring at white walls. It lasts until noon, when he eats again for 20 minutes. His therapy starts immediately afterward until 3 pm, when he meets with Father Purcell for 2 hours. The hour and a half after that is marked for “treatment and recovery,” followed by dinner at 6:30 to 7 pm. A nap is scheduled at that time until 9:30, followed by three hours of aversion therapy. He wants to sob at that. Two hours is cruel enough, but three? He tries to ask Marcus questions, but is told that it can wait. 

He is walked down to the aversion therapy room and stops when he realizes that this is not the room he usually goes to, the one with two rows of chairs and shock pads of some kind under his bare feet. Usually he is shown pictures of men and women and if he isn’t able to look away fast enough from the pictures of the men, he gets a shock through his feet. It is brief, but he’s become very good at looking away when the men come on the screen. 

But this room has a screen and chair, but nothing under the feet area. The chair has restraints, though, and that make Steve sweat a little. He is shoved roughly toward the chair. As he gets closer, he sees the pad that is usually under his feet sitting on the seat instead. He backs up, horrified, but he’s grabbed from behind and his scrub pants are pulled off, leaving him only in the issued white boxers underneath. “Please… please no… No, I didn’t do anything!” He struggles, but it is futile as Victor comes in and helps Marcus hold him down so the restraints can be put in place. 

Victor leans in close. “You know, there’s nothing to be afraid of if you’re not a perverted queer. Think about that.” He grins and then backs off. He leaves the room with Marcus and Steve struggles against the straps around his ankles, thighs, waist, chest, and arms. He whimpers at his inability to even move himself up off the pad. 

The room goes dark and the screen flickers to life. He does a good job looking away from the male pictures, as usual. He rarely gets shocked anymore in the aversion therapy. But it’s exhausting looking at all the pictures and two hours had been his limit usually, but being strapped down like this for three hours might end up being maddening if he can’t find a way to deal with it. Just as he has a focus to getting through, a picture of Billy appears on the screen. It’s a picture taken of him waiting for someone and leaning against his car. It takes him off guard and he looks too long. The pain shoots through him and he screams in agony as the shock lasts a little longer than he’s used to. He gasps as the pain stops, but another picture of men flash and because he’s trying to recover, the torture happens again. Three hours later, he has screamed himself hoarse and has to be half carried out by Marcus and Victor, his legs dragging uselessly behind him, his body still twitching with remembered pain. 

He is thrown into his cell and doesn’t even bother trying to crawl up onto the cot. He shivers as he realizes that he’s in soiled boxers as he had lost control of his bladder and bowels a few times in the last three hours. He curls into a tighter ball and starts croaking out whimpers, not caring if the guards hear him. He doesn’t know what he believes, but he knows that these people are praying to a different God than him so he tries his hand at praying to a God that he imagines to be loving and who would not want anyone to be tortured in his name. Eventually he passes out and hopes that tomorrow will be easier. 

But it’s not. 

The next morning seems to come too early and he’s led to a room that looks like part of an unfinished basement. He’s hosed off, with breaks to get some shampoo in what’s left of his hair. He blushes in humiliation as the hose spray is lessened in intensity and is pointed at his genitals and then in between his ass cheeks. He whimpers again as he’s still tender, but he doesn’t want to do anything to piss anyone off. He is given blue green scrubs to indicate that he’s been there longer than a month and he dresses quickly so he can have time to eat. Breakfast is actually better than usual and he is happy for that as he doesn’t think that his stomach will give him anymore problems if the meal plan continues to be decent. After sitting in his room for hours, he welcomes the chance to go to lunch. He has no trouble with the shorter eating time as he feels famished. 

But when his therapy time starts, Paula is nowhere to be found. Instead a man walks in. He looks wicked, as far as Steve can describe him. His eyes are dark brown, almost black. His hair is black, too, but it is slicked back with more gel than Steve thinks is normal. He has a moustache that appears to be groomed down to the centimeter of perfection. He is heavy, but not fat. Steve is reminded of an Italian boxer or mob hit man or something similar. 

The man introduces himself as Glenn and asks him about his sexual experience with women. He interrogates Steve about the details. Steve wonders if the guy is getting off on the stories. He also asks about his experiences with men, but Steve says he has none. This leads to the therapist talking about denial and how Steve has to accept the evil side of him in order to purge it. 

Steve looks at the clock on the wall and sees that only an hour has passed. He sits for another hour and a half listening to how he has to accept that he’s worthless and not going to be able to have a future for himself if he keeps trying to have sex with men. He’s called a perverted rapist more than once and then the real insults start that actually get under Steve’s skin. He’s teased about his lack of intelligence and his breakup with Nancy. He’s teased about losing her to Jonathan and how Billy took his title and how Steve couldn’t even manage to get a scholarship. Steve knows that someone had to have told them everything about him and he feels betrayed and alone. 

Steve begins to understand that just because this place calls it therapy, it’s really nothing like therapy. He’s pretty sure that Glenn isn’t even licensed to be working with anyone, let alone a confused teenager. 

Afterward, he is allowed to go to the restroom and then is led into the office that he was in the first day. Sure enough, Father Purcell walks in and smiles at him. Steve can see the evil glint in the man’s eye and he wonders how things can get worse, but that is when the other man stands and goes to the door. A woman walks in and Steve is certain she is a prostitute, just by how she is dressed and how her makeup is caked on. She’s chewing her gum loudly and smiling at Steve as if she’s preparing to devour him. Steve shivers and his nightmare begins. Therapy turns out to be partly hearing how he’s in denial followed by at least 90 minutes of him being forced to either perform oral sex on a woman brought in, allow himself to receive a blow job from her, or just fucking her. Steve tries not to focus on what’s happening as many of the women are unattractive and much older than he is and some of them don’t take care of themselves well enough for Steve to avoid emptying his stomach in the bathroom immediately after he’s dismissed by Father Purcell. 

That first day, he is still shaking from what he was forced to do while Father Purcell watched and the woman laughed and told him what a good gay he is. He tries not to cry, wanting to wait until he’s alone in his cell again. When he’s taken to a room that looks like an exam room, he thinks that maybe he’s going to be checked for injuries from the encounter. He’s incredibly glad that he was forced to wear a condom, but he also knows that Father Purcell insists on this only because he feels that homosexuals should never be allowed to breed or infect good straight women with their homosexuality. Steve knows it’s all nonsense, but he doesn’t argue. He has to get out after the second month is over. 

Instead of an exam, he is strapped down and told that he has to purge his homosexuality and he is going to get assistance. He struggles slightly as someone rubs a gel near his temples and then puts something against the spots that feels soft. Just as he’s about to ask what’s going on, pain slices through him and he feels his back arching. He’s certain that if the straps weren’t in place, he would snap his spine. He opens his mouth and screams. It’s high pitched and the sound of his own reaction scares him. Just as he thinks his teeth are going to vibrate out of his skull and his eyes are going to explode out of his head, the pain lessens. He tries to speak, but can’t. He can’t figure out what’s happening to him and feels as if he’s lost in a fog. He knows what he wants to say, but can’t remember how to actually say it. He’s distinctly aware that his face is wet with tears, snot, and saliva, but he can’t be bothered to care. 

He doesn’t eat dinner that night and sleeps for hours, but he’s still woken up for the aversion therapy. He nearly sobs in relief when he’s told that he will no longer be shocked in that program as long as he’s receiving treatment. 

But then Victor and Marcus come in. He’s too tired to look away every time and each time he doesn’t, one of the men slaps him or punches him or kicks him. Afterward, when he’s battered and bruised, he curls up and hugs his pillow. This time when he prays, he prays for death. 

He learns to be the perfect student or client or whatever he is called from day to day and avoids treatments most of the time, especially when he pretends that he’s loving his time with the women brought to him. On the days when he doesn’t get his brain fried, he does well in aversion therapy, getting through with maybe one or two hits. Over time, things get better for him, but his prayers never change and he wants to sob every morning that he wakes up again. But instead he smiles at whoever has been sent to take him to the shower room and tries to remember whether he actually exists or whether this is all just a nightmare that he hasn’t woken up from yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please nothing negative. Again, I know that not everyone likes how others write, but it's really okay to not read this. Just don't criticize for the sake of criticizing please. This fic actually is meaning a lot to me and it's a good break for me while I'm working on my other one. Thanks!


	8. Four Months Ago - Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy settles into college and makes a friend. He thinks he's changing for the better, but turns out he's just getting better at pretending. 
> 
> And Billy's look into the college life mirrors (in a less twisted way) Steve's own experience getting used to a new place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING for homophobia and words associated with that and with racism.

Billy spends the first part of August avoiding sex as much as he can. Rebecca is a decent girl and she lets him fuck her in the ass more often, but he admits that something is really off. 

He sees Max once in awhile and isn’t sure how she’s not getting her ass kicked for hanging out with a kid like Lucas Sinclair. He knows the type of people who are worth his time and if Max isn’t smart enough to know that, too, it’s her problem. 

He is getting a little sick of Rebecca trying to get him to cut down on his racial slurs, though. He doesn’t see why he shouldn’t be proud that he won the cultural lottery. His father drilled that into his head and even though he sometimes isn’t sure whether or not his father knows what he’s talking about, it’s better for him to have had something to bond with his father about. It cut down on the confrontations and sometimes that’s all Billy cared about. 

But now he’s away from his dad and he isn’t sure if he says those things because he believes them or whether it’s just a habit. Either way, he doesn’t think it matters much since he’s leaving anyway. 

When mid-August comes, Billy kisses Rebecca and tells her that he’s not sure when he will return and that she shouldn’t wait for him. When he gets on the bus, he’s nursing a reddened cheek, but smiles through it. Breaking up isn’t his best skill, but at least he doesn’t have to deal with pretending he gives a shit about her anymore. He knows that he could have kept her on the hook for awhile so he has a place to stay if he decides to visit, but he’s not sure why he would. Then again, maybe he will come back just to see how Steve Harrington is enjoying working for his dad or whatever the hell he’s doing now. Billy thought for awhile that maybe his dad had killed him that night since he hasn’t seen him since, but then he overheard Max talking to her nerd friends about how Steve has been sent to some retreat or spa or some shit. 

Billy tries not to laugh at that. Asshole is accused of touching him in his naughty place and manages to lose out on a scholarship and get a semester off before college starts. He knows that Harrington is going to get to go to college because his parents are loaded so he doesn’t feel guilty at all about swiping that from him. He looks out the window as the fields seem to fly by. He hasn’t tried to think of Steve much since that day and he hasn’t talked about him once. He wants to leave Hawkins and the high school shit behind him. He has a new school to conquer and he has to prepare himself to be the badass on campus. He grins and leans back, ready to take on the world. 

He is eventually woken up by the feel of the bus stopping. He looks around and stands before stretching up to reach his bag from overhead. He sees a guy watching him from the corner of his eye and wants to be disgusted, but is also feeling a bit warm at the idea that he’s being leered at. Something about the guy’s big wide eyes makes something in his stomach flutter. He makes his way out of the bus and looks around for the campus bus that apparently stops at this station regularly. He smiles when the driver calls over to him and hands him his suitcase from the lower cargo hold. It finally feels as if he’s free and he takes in a deep breath and then lights a cigarette. He sits down on a bench and waits. It isn’t long before he’s joined by the guy who had been staring at him on the bus. 

“You got another one of those?”

Billy glances over and takes in the guy’s brown hair and eyes. He’s soft looking, but there’s an underlying strength there and Billy thinks that this guy might be able to kick his ass if he really decided he wants to. “Maybe.” He shrugs, thinking maybe there’s no reason to play hard to get when it comes to friendship. After all, nobody knows him here. He hands a cigarette over and then pulls out his lighter, but instead of giving it the guy, he lights it instead. He and this new guy meet each others’ eyes for a moment before the man leans in and sucks in a breath, making the end of his cigarette flame a bit. 

When he leans back, he smiles at Billy. “Thanks.” He blows out a stream of smoke from his nose and holds out his hand. “Grayson Mackenzie.” 

Billy shakes it and introduces himself. “You heading to campus?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, looking forward to it. You a freshman, too?”

Billy smirks. “Yup, got out of a shit town to start a new life. Can’t wait.”

Grayson doesn’t bother to speak more and the two sit in a comfortable silence as they enjoy their smokes. Eventually, Grayson stands. “Bus is comin’.”

Billy glances up and grabs his bags. “I hope the ride is a short one. I’m really looking to get settled and figure out my way around before classes start.”

“Me, too.” He walks over when the bus pulls up and gets on. Turns out that he and Billy are two of eight people on the bus in total. 

Billy gets nervous about that until he realizes that a lot of people probably don’t settle in as early as he is. He’s just glad to have his bags with him for the trip and he piles them up on the seat by the window and takes the aisle seat. He looks over as Grayson does the same so they’re sitting near each other. 

Grayson glances over at him. “So, where are you from exactly?”

“California originally, but I’ve been in Hawkins for the last year.”

“Hawkins… not sure I know it.”

Billy laughs. “No reason for you to have heard of it. It’s a podunk town that has nothing good in it. Well, except me and now I’m gone, too.” He flashes a smile at Grayson. 

Grayson nods in understanding. “You leave a girl back there? Or family?”

Billy shakes his head. “No girl and no family worth speaking of.”

The two again fall into silence and Billy leans his head back and closes his eyes. He must doze again because he wakes to Grayson rubbing his arm gently. “Billy… hey, come on, man. It’s time to get off this bus.” 

Billy stretches and watches Grayson grab his things and walk out. He stares at Grayson’s ass a second too long and snaps himself out of it before he freaks himself out. He grabs his things and scrambles out of the bus and looks around in awe. He has always known he would find a way to go to college, but now that he’s here, it takes his breath away. There are old buildings that look ancient and new all at once. He knows the old walls hold new knowledge and some that is not as new, but respected as gospel. The grass even seems greener here and Billy wants to stay outside forever, but he knows he can’t. He walks over to a woman who is standing with a clipboard and waving a few students with bags over her way. 

Billy sees Grayson and stands nearby, waiting to get oriented or whatever the hell is happening. Sure enough, the girl starts saying welcome to blah blah blah and Billy tunes her out a bit and considers how his life is really beginning. He fantasizes about how amazing this semester is going to be until he hears his name being called. 

“Sorry, what?” 

Grayson grins. “Billy, I said we’re listed as roommates. That cool with you?”

Billy nods. “Sure, why not? Don’t know anybody here yet anyway. You know where we’re going?”

Grayson picks up his things. “Yeah, cuz I was listening to her.”

Billy rolls his eyes. “Yeah yeah yeah. What can I say? She’s not my type.” 

He walks with Grayson to a building that looks almost majestic to him. It’s huge and brick and three stories high with an air of academia about it. Billy’s not even sure what that means, but that’s the only way that he can describe it to himself. He walks into the building and looks around. The floors are off white tile but there are lounges with rich chocolate carpeting with light brown and orange furniture. He feels out of his element, but he knows he’s not. He belongs here and nobody can take that away from him. Maybe he did stop Steve from having this, but he earned it for himself on his own. 

He pulls himself away from the lounge area and goes through the door that he saw Grayson go into. “Holy shit….” He glances around. “I thought dorm rooms were supposed to feel like prison cells.”

Grayson shrugs. “Well, maybe it’s for me. I _am_ the newest basketball star.” 

“Seriously, man?” He drops his bags. “Me, too.”

Grayson looks Billy over. “For real? Hey, that’s awesome. I guess we’ll be seeing each other at practice, too.”

Billy starts putting his stuff away in the large room as Grayson does the same. He keeps noticing how Grayson’s shirt rides up when he’s reaching up into the top cupboards to put something away. He notices how he has a smattering of moles across his neck and the skin he can see peeking out between his waistband and bottom of his shirt, how he would really like to trace the path they make across the creamy expanse with his tongue.

“Billy? Billy, hey! You with me, man?” Grayson is laughing, but nervously. “You’re not gonna pass out, are you?”

Billy shakes his head to clear it. “Sorry! Sorry, I just… I guess it’s been a long day.”

“It’s cool. How about if I help you get your things put away and we head to the dining hall for dinner. They’re serving some good shit for the first day for the early birds. There aren’t that many of us so I guess it’s not too expensive for them to go all out.” He claps Billy on the shoulder. “Seriously, though, if you want to chill, you can just tell me where to put this shit. I don’t mind at all. I didn’t even check to make sure you didn’t want the side I took.”

“No, it’s good. I’m not picky. And uh, yeah, if you want to help me with my shit, I’d like that.” 

The two boys get their things put up quickly and Billy gladly gives up the top of the dressers to Grayson as he seems to have pictures of everyone from his hometown. Billy only brought one picture, one of his mom, and it’s in a locket. He keeps it inside a dresser drawer and looks at it from time to time. It’s the one picture of her that his father never found, otherwise he would have destroyed that, too. 

If Grayson is curious about the locket, he doesn’t say so, and Billy is grateful. He checks the outer pocket and frowns. “What the fuck is this?” He pulls out the picture and growls in frustration. “Fuck…”

Grayson comes over at the curse. “What’s up?”

“My stupid fucking stepsister put pictures in my bag.”

“That’s a bad thing?”

“It is when you _hate_ your stupid fucking stepsister.”

Grayson plucks the pictures out of Billy’s hand. “She’s a cute kid. This the stepsister from hell?”

Billy nods. He hasn’t looked at any of the photos but the top one. He assumes the others are of his bitch of a stepmother and his father. “She’s a bitch. I really don’t want them. Just toss them.”

Grayson arches an eyebrow. “What’s her name?”

Billy sighs. “Max, short for Maxine.” He runs his hand through his hair. “Look, we’re roommates. We’re not friends, so how about if you just stay the fuck out of it, okay?”

Grayson’s lips press together into a thin line. “Damn, you got some serious issues.” He tosses the photos on his own bed and heads out. “Find the dining hall yourself, asshole.” 

Billy watches Grayson go and sighs as he plops down on the bed. “Just fucking lovely….”

_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Turns out Grayson is a lot nicer of a roommate than Billy deserves to have. When he comes back to the room an hour later, he’s balancing a ton of shit that he swiped from the dining hall, claiming that his roommate had gotten horribly car sick on the way there and was missing out while he was stuck in the bathroom puking his guts out and wow, could he just take this back to him so he can celebrate being here when he feels better….

Billy is nothing if not impressed, when he learns of the ruse, with Grayson’s ability to lie like a rug in order to get something for Billy, who was a total dick to the guy just an hour before. 

Billy helps Grayson with his load and looks down at the food. “Enjoy.” He starts to head off, but stops when Grayson calls him back. 

“Hey fuckface, I already ate. This shit is for you.”

Billy turns slowly and frowns. “Me? Why in hell would you do anything for me? I made it clear that I’m not a good guy.”

“Nah, you made it clear you’re on your period or something. I’m gonna give you a free pass this time. I might not be so forgiving next time and trust me, you want me on your side, especially if we’re going to be on the team together.” He starts unpacking all the boxes of food. “Didn’t know what you liked so I brought everything. There’s two pieces of pepperoni pizza and two of cheese. And they had fucking burgers so that box has one of those and the other box has all the fucking toppings. And… this box has chicken wings. He points again to a bag. French fries there. He grabs at the bag that had been around his wrist. “This one has sodas and ice cream.” 

Billy studies the food and then sits down on the bed. “Grayson… look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m trying to turn over a new leaf. I just… I don’t generally like people. It never seems to work out for me.”

Grayson shrugs. “Maybe you just never had anyone try to be nice to you or give you a chance before.”

Billy motions to the photos again. “Max is my stepsister. I hate her mother and my father. It’s kind of her fault that we left California so that’s why we have issues.” He starts pulling out food and digs in. 

“How is it her fault?”

Billy shrugs. “My dad didn’t want to share her with her father. So in order to make his new wife happy, he moved them away so her dad can’t have much to do with them anymore. My, uh… my dad is a jerk. And that picture in my locket is my mom. He destroyed all of her pictures after she died. I managed to save that one. There might be a few more in storage out in California, but I don’t even know how to begin to get to that stuff.” He glances up, almost afraid of what he’s going to see on Grayson’s face. 

What he sees is just curiosity and understanding. “You look frightened, Billy. Freak you out talking about yourself?”

Billy smiles. “For real, this is the first time I’m trying to be real. It’s kind of scary. I have an image back in Hawkins. In California, I loved my life. I hated my dad, but I loved my life. And I tried to like Susan and Max when they came around, but then my fucking life got moved to Hawkins and I never forgave either of them for it. I was so pissed when I got there and I hated everyone on principle. I still do. But here… I’m thinking maybe I can figure out who my mom wanted me to be and start being that guy. But to do that, I need to forget Hawkins exists.”

Grayson shrugs. “But it does. It’s part of who you are, too.”

Billy laughs. “The guy I was back there, you wouldn’t have brought him food tonight.”

Grayson grins. “Well, I don’t know that guy. But if that guy can be the guy you are right now, then maybe you can just… figure out a way to reconcile those two parts of you. I mean, back home I was the preppy know it all with wealthy parents who had everything going for him. Most popular kid at school and all that shit. But… now I’m trying to be more down to earth and genuine. I am trying not to care about titles and popularity.”

“Fuck me. I’m rooming with Steve Harrington.”

Grayson frowns. “Who?”

Billy shakes his head. “Kid from Hawkins. I fucking hate him, too.” He watches as Grayson picks up the pictures that were tossed on the bed earlier. 

“Look, I know you hate her, but Max is a cutie. You might need to stick around to watch out for her.”

“Are you perving on my stepsister?”

“Nah, she’s not my type.” Grayson winks and then looks at the other pictures. “Huh, this is cool.” He shows him a picture of the Camaro. “Yours?”

Billy takes the photo. “Yeah… yeah, she is. My old man said I had to store it there so I wouldn’t be running all over with it here.” He runs his thumb over the photo and tries not to think about the fact that it was actually really nice of Max to put it in there. He looks up at the low whistle from Grayson. “What?”

Grayson smirks. “Who is _this_ guy?” He hands over a picture of none other than Steve Harrington looking stupid hot and relaxed on the basketball court bleachers, his dopey smile clearly showing his pearly whites. 

Billy groans. “ _That_ is Steve Harrington.”

“The kid you hate?" He grins. "I think I'm flattered.”

Billy nods. “Yeah, the kid I loathe.” He can’t bring himself to tear up the photo, though. He reminds himself that maybe he should feel guilty sometimes when he sees that photo. It was taken before Billy confronted him about the scholarship and before he spread that stupid fucking rumor. “Look, thanks for the food and all, but can we talk about something other than our pasts?”

Grayson nods, sensing that this is a major sore spot for his new roommate. Instead he tells Billy how he snuck the food out of the dining hall and they share their favorite movies and music. Grayson even helps Billy put a few posters up on the wall since they like many of the same bands. By the end of the night, the room looks like it belongs to them, they’re both stuffed, and more than ready to crawl into bed and sleep. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*

The month goes by quickly and Billy finds himself referring to Grayson Mackenzie as his friend. Billy likes having a friend who doesn’t expect him to be someone he’s not. They play basketball out at the park when they get a chance and bitch about classes, once those start. Billy isn’t thrilled that they’re only in one class together, but he also sees it as a good thing to spend some time away from this new friend so he doesn’t get sick of him. 

After a particularly irritating day, one where Billy was forced to deal with a pop quiz that he hadn’t prepared for at all, Grayson convinces him to go play some basketball at another local park just for a change of scenery. They’re only a few minutes into their game when Grayson waves to four other guys coming into the park. “Josh!”

Billy looks over to see a good looking guy walking toward them with three African-American teens trailing behind. 

“Gray!” The good looking boy smiles at Billy. “Hey there…”

Grayson laughs. “Josh, this is Billy. Damn, I thought you were out of town for another week. 

“Nah, I came home early. And look at you, thinking you were going to get out of facing me on the court.” He glances at Billy again. “Sorry. Uh, this is Craig, Matt, and Roy. Guys, this is my cousin Grayson and his friend Billy. 

The men all smile and make introductions. Grayson doesn’t miss how Billy tenses up as soon as the guys came over, though. He shrugs it off as Billy seems to want to play the game and not make small talk. Billy moves quick and it’s clear that it will be Grayson, Josh, and Billy against Craig, Matt, and Roy. If Billy splits them up on purpose that way, nobody notices it. 

Billy is annoyed. He is trying to have a good time and then he is forced to deal with some black guys who have no business being in the same league as him. He’s been raised with some pretty strict ideas about the type of people he can be around and who doesn’t need his attention. He thinks of how Sinclair had dared to put his grimy dark hands on his sister and how he tried to warn her, but she wouldn’t listen. Billy shudders to think of what will happen if his dick gets in there and she ends up knocked up with some sort of half race mongrel. 

His movements on the court get more aggressive as his anger at his ruined afternoon increases. He loses focus and goes down hard, but bounces up, his eyes looking half feral and his tongue darting out to lick at his teeth, bared in rage and amusement at the beat down he wants to put on the opposing team. Roy, trying to be a good sport, asks Billy something about whether he’s good to go and slaps his ass lightly. 

It’s enough for Billy to snap and he shoves Roy back hard to fall into Craig’s arms to prevent the other man from being hurt. “Keep your faggot hands off of me, you fucking ni-“

The punch comes quick, seemingly out of nowhere, and stops the word that Billy was about to yell as he slams back to the ground. But they all know what he was planning to say. Billy holds his hand to his clearly broken nose and glares up at the black kids once his vision clears, wondering which one he has to kill. But they’re standing back and neither one of them looks like they threw a punch. 

Josh goes over to the guys and talks in a low voice to them and tells them to wait for him on the other side of the park. He turns and looks over Billy’s head to Grayson. “You got this?”

“Yeah, I got it.” Grayson says from behind Billy.

Billy feels Grayson’s hands come under his arms and hoist him up. Billy rounds on him and then sees the bloodied knuckles. 

“You fucking hit me?!”

Grayson is calm and his voice is low, but Billy is starting to think that is only to keep something dangerous caged in from the strength of that punch. “Yeah, I hit you. Thank God I did before you said something that even I can’t forgive. I mean what the hell, Billy? I thought… I mean I thought you were…”

“A fairy?”

“No, a decent guy.” He starts to walk back toward the campus and doesn’t wait for Billy to get up and stumble after him. 

“Hey! Hey, wait just a fucking minute!” Billy runs up to him and yanks him around by his shoulder. “What’s your deal man? I’m not into dick and you’re dumping me?”

“No. You _are_ a dick and I’m walking away from you before I break more than your nose.” 

Billy stands there and lets Grayson walk away this time. He feels like he did in Hawkins and it seems that he’s take numerous steps backward and finding a place for himself. Back in Hawkins, his attitude would cause people to fear him and his friends to give him a high five for reminding people they were lower than him. But now he thinks maybe he’s the one who has been reminded that he’s lower than others. He doesn’t like it and he doesn’t like that he’s alienated the one person that he was starting to consider a real friend. 

For the life of him, he can’t figure out what he’s done. He shuffles back toward campus and to the medical center to get his nose checked out, vowing to have a real conversation with Grayson to try and figure out what the fuck happened.


	9. Four Months Ago - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another month and losing his mind might be Steve's only comfort. This is very short because Steve's POV is not pulling in a lot of detail right now about the things he's been doing. He's more focused on the newest levels of hell. But while he might be breaking, he will have moments of lucidity where he fights. This chapter is not one of those moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains sexual abuse and dissociation. Please be mindful and don't read if you feel overwhelmed.

The crucifix on the wall isn’t perfect. 

“Steve, other boys have come forward.”

The eyes of the Christ are closed, too ashamed of what is happening here in His name. 

“This behavior is apparently a pattern and you never said a word to myself or Glenn.” 

There is painted blood at the hands and the feet, but the color is off. 

“You are close to being forsaken, my son.”

Steve has seen a lot of blood and it has never been red-orange before. 

“I have decided to keep you here another month.”

The crown of thorns looks real and Steve can feel the pain lancing through his own head in sympathy. 

“Your schedule will remain the same.”

The cross is made of gnarled wood, like the wood on the trees in the Upside Down, like the hands of the man crushing his hope. 

“But the women will come less often now. It hasn't helped like we had hoped."

Maybe this is the Upside Down. That would explain a lot. 

“Instead, we will pray.”

How fascinating that an instrument of torture has become a religious symbol. 

“Steve, come with me, please.”

Gnarled hands take his and pull him up out of his seat. 

“Lie down here and concentrate on your soul and the light that no longer exists there.”

He lies down and yearns for the thorns to be real, to pierce his skin and gouge out what’s left of his brain. 

“Adam and Eve were not ashamed of their nudity and you must cleanse yourself completely.” 

He helps with the removal of his clothes and sucks in a breath as old wounds from ‘therapy’ open as the material is pulled away. 

“I will start with the ritual bathing.” 

As warm water is used on him for the first time in a long time, Steve notices the color of his blood that colors the white cloth looks off. He expects it to be black, like the color of his soul according to everyone in this place. 

“The laying of hands is a sacred act, Steve. It is for you and God and me, as His instrument of power. There can be nothing spoken of our time in prayer.”

The Father’s breath is in his ear. His Upside-Down-looking gnarled hands touch him everywhere. Steve shudders as fingers run over his scalp and down his face. Steve wants to ask if the Father can feel the thorns there, but realizes that will just keep him here longer. He doesn’t mind having his arms touched until the Father gets to where the restraints always bruise and bite into his flesh. He loses track of where he’s being touched and prayed over. A hand on his cock brings no reaction as Steve no longer cares, either because he’s cured or because of the electricity that runs through his body regularly has finally taken his voice from him due to all the screams. And then he’s being turned to his side and his legs are drawn up. The Father is talking about the evil inside of him and directly accessing it to give God more power. And as Steve feels the cold and stiff hands fondle and penetrate, he looks over at the crucifix again, wondering if the Christ’s eyes are closed because Steve is forsaken or because the Father is. 

He closes his eyes, too, and lets the silent tears come. 

Things continue like this for a month, his schedule set. He learns to hate the sounds of prayers and the words of righteousness spoken over him as he’s fondled and stroked. Any completion of himself or the Father results in flogging as only the perverse evil within Steve is to blame for deriving sexual pleasure from prayer. 

The crucifix might not be perfect, but Steve stares at it when his eyes are open and promises to keep the image with him so that he can use it to fight off the sight of gnarled hands in his nightmares next to demogorgons and dead children.


	10. Three Months Ago - Billy (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy is shown some harsh truths about himself and tries to work with his newest friend to figure out how to become a better man. As he works on who he is by sharing his painful past and taking steps to make a future for himself, he begins to think a little more about the man whose life he ruined and debates making amends, while meeting new people who will enrich his life in numerous ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update! I've been working and working on this chapter and I have quite a bit more written than what I'm posting right now, but there is a LOT of growth for Billy in this chapter and it's impossible for me to rush it. So... Billy's chapter will have a few parts to it (hopefully no more than two).

Billy leaves the medical center quite a bit later with a diagnosis of a broken nose and some bandaging. He is warned that he will have a couple of black eyes for awhile until his nose heals up. Luckily, it is a clean break and doesn’t look as if it is going to mess up his looks at all. He heads to his room as the sun sets, fists clenched and ready for a fight. 

He goes over in his head what he could have possibly done to upset Grayson so much. Billy knows he did nothing wrong and if Grayson thinks he can push Billy around, he’s got another thing coming. By the time he’s at the dorm, he is stomping up the steps. He gets to his room and flings the door open, the knob hitting the wall hard. 

Grayson is sitting at his desk, writing something, and doesn’t look up or even seem to flinch at Billy’s entrance. Billy stands there for a moment, not sure what to do since Grayson isn’t in his face for coming home so violently. In his mind, he played this out as if Grayson was going to pick another fight. But nothing. Grayson is full of surprises.

Billy closes the door and then walks over to stand by Grayson’s desk. “What the fuck, man? You broke my fucking nose!”

Grayson continues writing and doesn’t look up. “Lucky that’s all you got.”

Billy grabs the pen from Grayson and throws it across the room. “You can at least look at me!” 

Grayson sighs in exasperation and looks up at Billy, looking almost bored. “I’m looking at you. What do you want?”

Billy frowns at the tone and backs up a step, shocked by how cold Grayson is. “I thought we were friends.”

Grayson shrugs a shoulder. “Guess you were wrong.” 

Billy runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t get you, man. God, you’re just like everyone else.” He turns away and starts heading out the door. 

Grayson calls out. “ _I_ thought we were friends, too.” 

Billy stops at the door and then slams it shut and turns again. “Yeah? You’ve got a real fucking funny way of showing it!” Billy frowns at the feeling in his gut. He doesn’t want to feel this sadness at the prospect of ending this fledgling friendship with Grayson. After all, Grayson’s been there for him when he wakes up with nightmares and he doesn’t judge him when he breaks down and cries before he remembers someone else is there with him. He doesn’t ask questions and Billy never feels the need to explain. But now, he is the one who needs the explanation. One of the lessons in his class recently was about communication and how important it is in order to resolve conflict. Billy thinks it’s a load of shit, but he’s willing to at least listen, for once. He takes a breath. “If you think I’m your friend, then what the hell happened on the court? Why did you hit me?”

Grayson studies Billy and sees that the other boy really is confused about it. “You really don’t know?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, I don’t get it. That guy got handsy and you acted like _he_ was the victim.”

“He didn’t do anything different than what happens on the court when the team is together and we encourage each other to shake something off. That’s all that was happening.”

Billy scoffs. “Yeah, maybe if he was white and decent, but he’s a dirty-“ He is cut off as Grayson moves quickly toward him and gets in his face. 

“You don’t want to finish that sentence.” He is angry. Incredibly angry, but he doesn’t miss Billy’s flinch. He backs off and takes a deep breath before going over to his desk and picking up the paper he was working on. “This is a request to transfer you to another room. I would usually just go, but I like this room and since you’re the racist asshole, I figured it’s only fair for you to go.”

Billy’s breath catches. “You don’t… you don’t mean that. You’re not going to kick me out…”

Grayson sets the paper back down on the desk. “I can’t live with someone so hateful. And it was a side of you I never saw before. I don’t know if I want to know what else you’re hiding. I don’t want to come home and deal with you attacking me the way you attacked by cousin and his friends.”

“I wouldn’t do that! I was starting to trust you and that’s… not like me.” Billy sighs. “I should have expected this, though. I don’t fucking need you. I don’t need anyone.” He starts grabbing some of his stuff and throwing it on the bed. “Don’t bother with the fucking form. I know when I’m not wanted.”

Grayson arches an eyebrow. “Where are you gonna go? I’m the only person who spends time with you so I doubt anyone is going to let you crash in their dorm room.”

Billy turns quickly and throws a shirt at Grayson because that’s what he happens to have in his hands at the moment. “Why do you fucking care?” He shakes his head. “Seriously, fuck you. I don’t even want to be here. I’ve been talking about California forever and then my stupid ass thought I could maybe make things work here, but I was wrong.”

Grayson takes a step toward him. “Wait… you got a scholarship to a California college and you came _here_?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, I didn’t get a fucking scholarship out there and I didn’t try for one. I won’t need one anyway.” He continues to pack. 

“Are you talking about dropping out of college?”

Billy turns toward Grayson and throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “What else can I do? I don’t have anywhere else to go! I can’t stay here because you don’t like who I am. I can’t go home because… I just can’t. I don’t even know what the fuck I did! You just hit me and you expect me to be the bad guy! You’re just like _him_ and I _hate_ you!”

Grayson takes another step forward. “Like who?”

Billy shrugs and goes back to packing. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It does.” Grayson walks over and turns Billy’s desk chair around so he’s facing the bed. “Billy, sit for a minute. Help me understand. I don’t think I’m asking too much of you here, am I?”

Billy stops and turns to look at him. “I don’t owe you a fucking explanation!”

Grayson shrugs. “Maybe not, but I’m asking for one.”

The slight similarity to Steve gives Billy pause. Would he give Steve an explanation for what happened? Is there one that’s good enough? Probably not. He sighs. “Whatever. I might as well waste some time. Not like I have anything to do.” He sits on the bed. “What do you actually want to know?”

“What do you have against black people?”

Billy frowns. Nobody has ever asked him _why_ he hates people. “Um, well black people just… I mean there are certain people who…” He takes a deep breath. “I don’t really know. It’s just… It’s just a fact. They… they’re not as good as us… white people… and they’re… trouble and they take jobs and they commit crime and…”

Grayson arches an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound like you’re too sure. So who taught you this lesson that you don’t understand? I’m guessing your dad from what you told me about your family history.”

Billy looks down, annoyed that he’s so transparent. “What do you want me to say, Grayson?” He walks over to his bed and sits down. “I’m not blaming my dad for shit. I believe that stuff, too.”

“Bullshit. You always believe that crap? You never had a black friend? California is a pretty diverse place, man. If you were only hanging with white folks then you must have lived in a bubble.”

“Fine! Yeah, I used to have a black friend, but it wasn’t good for me. He made me… lazy. Dad hates laziness. It was because of him that he had to… straighten me out.” 

“And gay people? You hate them because you think they’re lazy, too?”

“Okay, come on… they go after dick all the time. If there’s a fag nearby, no guy is safe.” 

“First, stop saying that word.” Grayson almost laughs at the pout on Billy’s face. “Jesus, you act like guys who like guys are predators or some shit. You really think they go after _anyone_ with a dick?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!” Billy is angry, but also scared. He finally has a friend and now this friend is angry with him for doing things that would _not_ make his father angry with him. He doesn’t know what to do and he’s completely conflicted. It’s as if the world is closing in on him and telling him that he has no stability and no way of keeping himself safe. He doesn’t know the rules anymore, which means he can’t take steps to survive anymore. 

It isn’t until Grayson’s hands are on his knees, the other boy having slid down to squat before him and look up into Billy’s eyes that he realizes he’s zoned out. 

“Hey… you with me, Billy?” Grayson is concerned and it shows on his face. 

Billy frowns and wipes the tears that he didn’t realize were falling as gently as he can. He’s humiliated and he sits up straight. “Yeah, fine.”

Grayson shakes his head. “No way, man. You’re not doing well and I’m not a very good roommate if I leave it like this.” 

“You don’t want to be my roommate at all, remember?”

Grayson squeezes Billy’s knees and then gets up in the chair again, ignoring the comment. “Billy, when you said your dad straightens you out, what did you mean?”

Billy shrugs. “It’s no big deal. Just forget it.”

“Not a chance. What did you mean, Billy?”

Billy shrugs only one shoulder this time, his muscles tensing. “He just… knocks me around a little. Puts me in my place.” He stands up suddenly. “Why does it matter? Get the fuck out of here and let me pack my things and I’ll be out of your hair!”

“Billy… I’m sorry about your dad, but… that doesn’t give you an excuse to be cruel to other people. But I get it. You don’t really know any better. Maybe it’s not too late.”

Billy shakes his head. “Trust me, it’s too late for me. I’ve done things that I can’t take back. I don’t deserve to be safe and I don’t deserve friends.”

“I’m giving you a chance here. My cousin and his friends are good people. It’s why they weren’t the ones who hit you. They’re used to that shit from other people, but they never expected someone I like to act that way because I would never have that type of person around me. And people don’t fool me often, which means there’s something really good about you and your father fucking buried it. Who the hell is your fucking old man to put his hands on you anyway?” 

“And who was _that_ guy to put his hands on me?” Billy is starting to panic as Grayson starts showing him that maybe his upbringing isn’t normal after all. And due to the fear, he’s yelling now and he’s certain that people are probably in the hallway eavesdropping. Grayson must think so, too, because his voice lowers. 

“Those four guys are all with women so nobody was trying to touch you like that. My cousin is married, in fact. None of them have ever shown an interest in men and they never will.” He frowns and stands to face Billy. “Hey… did someone… I mean you said your dad hits you, but does he ever do anything else? Or… did someone-“

Billy’s eyes widen. “Dude no… No, nothing like that. Ever.” He shrugs. “People think that happened, though.”

Grayson arches an eyebrow and for a second Billy is reminded strongly of Steve Harrington again. Or maybe it’s the guilt that he’s been feeling lately since he’s been around a decent person like Grayson and away from his shitty father. “Okay… how did that happen?”

Billy sighs. “Nah, forget it. I don’t need you hating me more than you already do.”

“I don’t hate you. I’m just really sad that you think black people and gay people are lower on the life status than you are.”

“I told you, I had a friend and he’s black and my father wouldn’t have it.”

“So he kicked your ass and you just dumped your friend? Kind of what you’re accusing me of, right? Dumping you for no good reason?”

Billy pales a bit and feels his chest start tightening at the memory. “I’m not afraid of my father.”

Grayson moves then to get the paper regarding room assignments. “Whatever.”

Billy clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut. “He didn’t threaten _me_.”

Grayson turns and studies Billy, sees the tension rolling off of him. “He threatened your mom?”

“My mom’s dead.” He opens his eyes and looks over at Grayson. He feels the heat behind his eyes again and tries to blink away the wetness that is gathering there again. “Lucky her. She got away from him.”

Grayson chews on his bottom lip for a moment. “Your friend then.”

Billy nods. “He said…. He said something about… stringing him up. I’m not stupid. I know what he meant and I just couldn’t risk it. My friend, Jamie…” Billy whispers his name like a prayer, as if he hasn’t said it in so long. And to be honest, he hasn’t. He tries every day to forget the boy that had been his best friend, who stayed with him through the pain of losing his mother and who was always there with a joke or a hug. Everything with Jamie had seemed so natural, so innocent, but then his father was always present, making rude remarks and throwing looks at them. Jamie wasn’t going to be collateral damage if Billy could help it, so he ended the friendship. Billy doesn’t realize that he’s talking out loud, telling Grayson everything, until he feels the arms around him and realizes that the tears are flowing freely again. 

Grayson sees Billy get lost in the memory, sees the tears fall, and hears the hitch in the boy’s breath as he talks about his grief over his mother compounded by the grief of losing his best friend. He’s not sure how to help until Billy mentions how Jamie used to hug him when he needed it. It seems pretty simple then and he wraps his arms around the blonde, prepared to fend off a punch if necessary. He tightens his grip when Billy doesn’t pull away. Although Billy doesn’t return the hug, Grayson takes it as a win anyway. 

When Grayson pulls away, Billy wipes his face off and winces when he lightly bumps his nose. “Shit…”

“Sorry about your nose.”

Billy looks up at him. “Guess I deserved it, right?”

Grayson shakes his head. “I didn’t know about your dad, man. I shouldn’t have hit you. That was crappy of me and I can admit that.”

Billy frowns in confusion. “I think that’s the first time anyone has ever apologized for teaching me a lesson.” 

Grayson sighs. “Beating you isn’t teaching you a lesson, Billy. It’s _abuse_.” Billy blanches at the word and Grayson decides it is safer to back up. “So you stuck up for Jamie. Did he know it?”

Billy shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Maybe. He knows that things got intense.” Billy nervously clenches and unclenches his fingers. “We screwed up, that’s all. I mean we were kids so… we did stupid shit and my dad… well, that was the last straw.” He looks up at Grayson again. “Why don’t you like the word ‘fag?’”

Grayson frowns. “It’s not a nice word and it really demeans people who like the same sex. It’s sick, man. Nobody has the right to tell anyone else who to love, as long as it’s consensual and we’re talking about adults.”

Billy nods his head, thinking about that. “Look, I’m pretty wiped out. Maybe you would be willing to let me sleep here one more night?”

Grayson studies Billy’s face. “Let’s put the whole moving thing on hold for awhile. I think maybe this whole roommate thing is less of a lost cause than I thought.”

“Yeah?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah.” He goes over to his own side of the room and strips down to his boxers and crawls into bed before turning off his desk lamp. “Night, Billy.”

Billy stares at him for a bit and then pushes all of the things on his bed onto the floor so he can sleep. He turns off his own light and then peels off his clothes, also, before crawling under the covers.   
Billy takes a deep breath and stares up at the ceiling, the only light from the moon outside. “I kissed him… Jamie. I kissed Jamie.” Billy’s chest tightens up again and then calms as the tension and then relief at admitting it hits him all at once.

Grayson’s eyes widen a bit and he turns to look at Billy’s shadow across the room. “Oh.”

Billy closes his eyes. “Yeah. Oh.” He turns to his side away from Grayson. “Goodnight, Grayson.”

Grayson stares at Billy for a bit longer and then sighs. “Goodnight, Billy.”

 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

 

Billy and Grayson spend the next week tip-toeing around each other. Grayson doesn’t want to disturb the delicate balance they have going on and Billy doesn’t want to lose his dorm room by saying something else that Grayson doesn’t like. 

But the next weekend, as Grayson is considering going back to the basketball court to meet his cousin, he decides to broach the subject of Jamie once more. “Hey Billy. You said your dad thinks black people are lazy and that’s why he threatened Jamie, right?”

Billy freezes with his pencil over the note paper he was using to work on his outline for a paper. “Um… where is this coming from?”

“C’mon, man. I’m just trying to clear something up. You dropped a pretty big bomb last week. Can’t I at least ask a few questions?”

Billy sighs. “Fine. But we stop when I want to.”

Grayson nods. “Deal.” He pulls the desk chair from his side over to sit closer to Billy. “So… not lazy.”

“No, he thought… thinks black people are lazy, but he was willing to look the other way with Jamie because I started actually doing better after mom died. He was just happy he didn’t have to deal with me. But he couldn’t forgive… you know.”

“The kiss.” Grayson leans forward a little, interested in the story. 

“He thinks Jamie made me gay. I mean he was already a racist, but this…. This was the last nail in the coffin.” He shrugs. “But Jamie didn’t start it. I did.”

Grayson motions by curling his fingers on his hands to give him more. “And?”

“And what? I was upset about my mom and I was venting and he was there and I just… I don’t know. It seemed right at the time. And he didn’t push me away. In fact, he seemed to like it and then dad walked in and we had our arms around each other and… there was no mistaking what was going on. He freaked out and started screaming and throwing things. I kept Jamie behind me and told him to run when the opportunity presented itself.”

“And you? Did you run?”

Billy shrugs. “I stuck around and got a broken arm for my trouble.”

Grayson swears under his breath and turns away, running his hand through his hair roughly. He turns around then, a look of pure hatred on his face. “Please tell me that son of a bitch is coming here for parents’ weekend because I’d love to have a conversation with him.”

Billy smirks, amused at that. “Really? You think that’s the way to go? Get thrown out of school for beating your roommate’s father to death? Pretty sure that won’t look good on any resume, college education or not.”

Grayson takes a few deep breaths and then smiles back. “Fair enough.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Billy, you willing to go with me and meet up with the guys again? They’re cool and if you apologize, they won’t have any hard feelings. I promise.”

Billy shakes his head. “I have this paper to work on and I don’t know if I’m ready to change my whole way of thinking right now. I’m not trying to be a jerk, but… I’m just not ready.”

Grayson nods in understanding. “I get it.” He stands and gets his stuff. Before he heads out, he turns to look at Billy. “You’ll be here when I get back later?”

Billy smiles sadly. “Where else am I gonna go?”

Grayson heads off to join his friends, hoping that he can work on Billy’s viewpoints if he keeps trying to be there for him.


	11. Three Months Ago - Billy (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grayson starts working on changing those viewpoints and it has some unexpected consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that I'm leaving Steve out of this for awhile and it isn't because Steve is being forgotten. He's not at all, but Billy's redemption doesn't feel right to me in this fic if it isn't very long and drawn out. I am making it fast in my other fic, but this one just feels different and I already have a lot of plans to keep this series going for awhile before the boys finally make the connection I want them to for a variety of reasons. Billy's redemption isn't the only thing that needs to happen. I also need Billy to come to terms with what happened to Steve and his part in it. I need Steve to recover from his excessive trauma, not all of which has been explored yet because there is so much more to come. And Steve will have to start seeing Billy as someone who isn't evil. Not to mention that Steve has to re-establish his friendships with people who turned away from him AND then those friends have to be willing to let Billy near Steve. Like I said... long. :) Stick with me. I promise that I'm working so hard on it. I just don't want to write something quick and give you anything less than my best.

Grayson stays away for a few hours and plays basketball and talks to his friends about Billy during their breaks for water and rest. He doesn’t reveal too much, but makes sure they know that he was brought up by a douchebag. He doesn’t mention the abuse, but the guys all seem to be familiar with guys like Billy’s dad and they know that narcissistic assholes tend to hurt their kids to feel tough. Nobody verbalizes it, though, out of respect for Grayson mostly. 

“So… guys… I tried to invite him today and he was working on a paper, but he also doesn’t really want to be around you guys at all. I think he’s feeling guilty, though.”

Roy smiles. “Shit, man, don’t push him. If he’s going to be hanging out with us, it has to be because he wants to, not because he wants to make you happy.”

Craig speaks up. “Look, he’s been trying to make his old man happy for years and got a raw deal, but you can’t be a substitute for that asshole, you know?”

“Yeah, he’s got a hole there where his fuckwit dad was and you might end up being put in that hole and then what? He’s going to get frightened that you’ll leave him or hit him. I mean, you kind of already put yourself there. You threatened to throw him out _after_ you decked him,” Matt adds. 

Grayson is clearly stunned. “Whoa! I’m not abusive or anything!”

Josh puts his hand on his cousin’s shoulder. “Nobody is saying you are, but you have to admit that you are acting like kind of an authority figure right now for him. Nobody is saying not to be there for him, but you might want to give him some space to come up with shit on his own. Just leave him alone and let him come to you.” He looks at the other guys before turning back to Grayson. “And cousin… you want to bring that boy back to hang with us, don’t tell him to apologize. Just let him do it if he wants to. Then we’ll know it’s sincere, okay?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, I guess. I just really like him. He’s a good guy. I know it. I just can’t figure out why he had to be shit all over and now he’s got these fucked up ideas and if he finds out….”

Josh shakes his head. “Don’t think about it. That will happen when it happens.”

Grayson sighs. “Yeah… hey, I should get back. I want to get some pizza and treat him a bit. He’s been working his ass off on that paper.”

Josh looks over at the guys. “Hey, I’m going to walk with Grayson for a minute. Can I meet you at the diner?”

After the guys head off, Grayson frowns at Josh. “Okay, cut the bullshit. What do you want to talk to me about?”

“Just how much are you trying to invest in this guy?”

Grayson purses his lips. “It’s not like that.”

“Are you sure?” Josh puts his arm around his cousin’s shoulders. “I don’t want you hurt and I think you will be if you go about this the wrong way.”

Grayson smiles. “I promise I’ll be careful.” He turns and hugs his cousin tightly. “Gotta go. Get to the diner and tell your bitch of a wife I say hello.” He gets up and laughs as Josh kicks out at him. 

“I swear to God, Grayson. You and she are like a couple of mean girls.”

Grayson grins. “You love it.” He waves and jogs off to get some pizza at the local campus pizzeria before heading back to the dorm. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

By the time Grayson gets home, it’s dark and the lights are all out. He turns on the overhead light and frowns as he sees Billy asleep with his head and arm resting on the desk. The other arm is hanging limply at his side. The soft snores make Grayson smile and he sets the pizza down. He has learned from the times Billy has nightmares not to scare the other boy so he says his name louder and louder until Billy jerks awake. “Hey sleepyhead. I brought dinner.”

Billy looks around, confused and then looks out the window. “Shit. I guess I was tired.”

“Well you need to eat so come over here and sit on the floor with me and go crazy.” He sets out some of their paper plates and napkins and then grabs a couple of sodas out of his bag that he bought at the vending machine downstairs. 

Billy wipes the bit of drool off the side of his face and stares at the spread. “You didn’t have to do this. I can try and pay for half.”

“Don’t be dumb. Just sit with me.” Grayson looks up at him and gestures to the large pillow that he put down on the other side of the pizza box. 

Billy sits down and the two barely talk as they eat for the first ten minutes or so. But then Billy puts his pizza down and wipes his hands. “Did you have a good time today?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, it was okay. We played two on two and then just switched out each game. It was nice.”

Billy frowns. “Bet they were glad I didn’t come with you this time.”

Grayson shrugs. “They didn’t say anything either way.”

“Oh.” Billy plays with his napkin a bit and then looks up at Grayson again. “So… you really don’t think that any gay guy is going to jump me just because I’m nearby?”

Grayson nearly chokes on his pizza because he’s trying not to laugh. “Wow, so you’re just going to dive right in, huh?” He wipes his mouth with a napkin. “Um, do _you_ think that?”

Billy throws his hands up in the air in frustration. “Fuck if I know. It’s what I was told over and over again. It’s how dad rationalized it. He said that I was _corrupted_ by Jamie. Then he started turning a blind eye when I went out on dates with girls and didn’t make it back by curfew. It seemed to make him happy to know I was getting my dick wet properly I guess.”

“You went out with all these girls back at home so… how come you haven’t had a date while you’re here?”

Billy shrugs. “No time.”

“Oh, okay.” Grayson takes a deep breath. “To answer your question, no. I don’t think any gay guy is going to jump you. I think gay guys are like any guys. They like people for who they are and not because they think they can get into their pants. Don’t you know any guy and girl combos who are just friends?”

Billy shrugs. “Nancy and Steve were friends, but Steve fucked her before and then they broke up and I guess they’re good friends now, but come on… you know he’s got to be messed up about it. Her fucking new boyfriend thinks Steve is a great guy and it’s just all together weird.”

“You talk a lot about this Steve guy.”

“That’s because he was the biggest pain in my ass. I hate him.”

Grayson sighs. “Why do you hate him?”

Billy frowns. “I have a good reason.” He pauses as he tries to remember what the reason is. 

“I’m waiting….”

“I’ll think of it.” Billy continues eating for a bit. 

“Okay, let’s pretend that you don’t have a reason. Why are you treating him like shit? You like this Nancy girl or something?”

“God no! She’s a dumb bitch. She seriously strung Steve along and then makes him watch while she loves up on some other guy. Nah she’s not my type at all.”

Grayson nods. “Okay, so what else could be upsetting you so much?” 

“You’re sure none of those guys are gay?”

Grayson rolls his eyes. “I told you already, they’re not. And if they were, it wouldn’t matter. Guys who like guys don’t just jump all over any guy nearby. And you kissed Jamie, remember? You said your dad thought Jamie made you gay. And now you’re telling me that you have no time to even go out on a date with a girl. I have to wonder… are _you_ gay?”

Billy stares at Grayson for a moment, no emotion on his face. He stands up shoves a hand in his pocket. “Fuck you.” He walks out of the dorm room. 

Grayson stares at the door as it slams shut and sighs. “Way to push for more than he wanted to share, Grayson…” He gets up and cleans the mess up and heads to the showers. He’s hoping that Billy will make it back soon so he can have a chance to apologize, but isn’t sure that he deserves forgiveness. He knows that is a loaded question to ask someone and it isn’t fair of him to force Billy to out himself if he _is_ gay. 

Grayson towels off and pulls on some sweat pants before heading back to the dorm room. He picks up what’s left of the pizza and realizes that he’s an idiot as there is only one place Billy goes when he’s annoyed. He pulls on a t-shirt and slips on his shoes and rushes outside. He sighs when he sees Billy’s familiar form resting against the outer wall smoking a cigarette. “Hey…” He goes over to him and sits down. “Didn’t you tell me you were going to try to quit?”

Billy shrugs, but doesn’t say anything.

Grayson studies him for a moment and then snags the lit cigarette and takes a puff of his own before handing it back. “C’mon… talk to me. I shouldn’t have asked you that. I get that.”

Billy looks at him finally. “I didn’t have an answer.”

Grayson’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I don’t know what it even means to be gay. I’ve always liked girls. It isn’t like I’ve really thought about guys as options.”

“Oh….” Grayson’s eyes widen. He’s met a few people like Billy who have no clue about their sexuality, usually because of their upbringing. Too many of his friends have told him tales of suicides due to confusion and fear about what is “wrong” with them. He tries to figure out if that’s what’s going on with Billy. Added to the abuse by his father, it would certainly explain the explosive anger. 

Billy flicks his cigarette off into the grass. “Oh? That’s it?”

“No, that’s not it. I’m just gathering my thoughts. I mean… what do you mean you don’t know what it means to be gay? I’m not judging. I’m just trying to understand so maybe I can help you.” 

Billy sighs. “I mean I don’t know. I know that I’m into girls, but then sometimes that changes a little, but that doesn’t make me gay, right? I don’t _hate_ being with girls.”

Grayson shakes his head. “Well, I don’t think not hating being with girls means that you love being with them.” He frowns. “You’re gonna have to start from the beginning, buddy.”

“Jesus… fine, I’ll try. I guess when I was little I had crushes, but they were on _people,_ not boys or girls. I didn’t think about it. Then mom died and the stuff with Jamie happened. After that, I went out with every girl I could.”

“To make your dad happy…”

Billy nods. “Yeah, mostly. I fucked quite a few of them. I liked it. It wasn’t like I was puking my guts out afterward or anything.” He looks over as Grayson starts to laugh. “What?”

“Nothing, man. I just… I mean you get your dick sucked and it doesn’t really matter who’s doing it, does it? As long as you get yours…”

Billy huffs out a laugh. “Whatever. I mean I guess….” He lights up another cigarette and offers one to Grayson, who takes it gratefully. Billy holds out the light for him and then sits back and inhales a few lazy puffs before continuing. “Anyway, then we moved to Hawkins and I was the king of that fucking school. Bitches were throwing themselves at me left and right.”

“You know, it’s not really polite to call women ‘bitches.’”

“Maybe, but it’s true. And these weren’t women like my mom or some of the cool girls I’ve known. These girls were pigs. They dropped Harrington like a hot potato once I gained popularity. It was sick. They didn’t care about me. Just the status. Like I said… bitches.”

Grayson clears his throat. “Ah… so we’re back to Steve Harrington again….”

“Yeah, back to him…” Billy brings his knees up, keeping his legs spread and rests his elbows on his knees before letting his head drop. “Yeah, Steve Harrington… the guy I probably hate more than anyone else in this world.”

“Okay, hold up. We’re talking about the gay thing and now we’re on to Harrington. What’s the connection?”

Billy’s head snaps up and he looks at Grayson like he might bolt again, but he eventually loses some of the tension in his muscles. “Harrington pisses me off because he’s… well, he’s just everything I’m not. He has fucking everything.” Billy feels the guilt coiling again. “Or at least he did.” He leans his head back against the brick. “I had a girlfriend before I came here. Honest to God, man, I can’t remember her name. I used her for a place to stay and acted like she and I were a true item and then I left and told her not to wait for me.”

“That must have gone over well.”

Billy smiles. “Yeah, well… Anyway, our sex life wasn’t great. I struggled…” Billy leaves the sentence hang and appears to grow uncomfortable again. 

“Ah. I get it. So was she ugly or something?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, not like that. She wasn’t very nice, but she was attractive. But I think mostly I couldn’t be with her because it felt like something was missing. And then one day she made a comment about letting me… uh… do her differently…”

Grayson arches an eyebrow, but then realizes that Billy can probably no longer see him in the lack of light outside. “Differently how?”

“Like… in the back end…”

Grayson nods. “Okay, cool… so what’s that have to do with-“

“I liked it!” Billy blurts it out like it’s a deep dark secret. 

“Dude, so what? Lots of guys like nailing their girl in the ass. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does when you keep reaching around to grab a dick.” 

Grayson leans back this time and takes a few deep drags. “Shit. Okay, yeah… I mean that might mean something….”

Billy turns to look at Grayson. “Gee, ya think?” 

“Okay, wait… what does this have to do with that guy you keep talking about? I mean is he-“ Grayson thinks hard on this one as the pieces start to come together. “Dude… did you start feeling something for him?”

Billy shakes his head. “No! No way… I think I was just thinking about something that I’d never done or… maybe I was tired. But this guy? No way. That would never happen, even if I _did_ want it. And I don’t!” He doesn’t feel able to talk about the fact that it’s the guilt that’s eating him up alive that’s really in the way of him talking about Harrington for more than a second or two without feeling like he wants to hit someone. 

“I’m not judging you. In fact, I think I can help you out a little to stop judging _yourself_ so much.”

Billy frowns. “I don’t judge myself.” 

Grayson studies his roommate for a moment. “You trust me enough to let me take you somewhere tomorrow?”

Billy shrugs. “I guess…. But how are you going to help me? Not that I need your help.”

“Leave this one to me. Tomorrow, after classes. You and I are going for coffee.” He stands and offers Billy a hand up. “Let’s go relax and get some sleep. You have a busy day tomorrow.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy feels the adrenaline humming through his system as he walks back to the dorm. Grayson had intrigued him last night, but he refused to say anything to give Billy even a hint about what he has planned for them. When he opens the door to the dorm, he isn’t sure what to find, but it isn’t Grayson taking a nap. “Uh… hey…”

Grayson opens his eyes and sits up. “Hey, sorry… Class got out early and I thought I’d take advantage of the extra half hour.” He stands. “Jesus… you look rough. You get much sleep last night?”

“Enough.”

“Well, go wash up. I want to look good and having a straggly haired college student with me won’t help my image.”

Billy laughs. “Whatever.” He gets showered and dressed, following Grayson’s lead as far as how he’s supposed to dress. He ends up in jeans that are slightly on the proper side of scandalous and a blue t-shirt that causes Grayson to wolf whistle. 

“Damn, dude. That is your color if nobody ever told you that before.”

Billy almost blushes, but rolls his eyes instead. “Shut up.” He follows Grayson across campus and off college grounds to a small place in the downtown area. He looks around, having never really been to this part of the city before, mostly because he never has time. It’s kind of quaint, like a little town in the middle of the city and he glances up at the sign above the door they’re going through. “Coffee _and_ a bookstore? Um… okay then. You’re not going to try to get me to wear black turtlnecks and read poetry every weekend, are you?”

Grayson smiles. “That’s an idea.” He laughs as Billy tries to smack his arm. “Come on. You haven’t seen anything yet.” He leads Billy through to the counter and makes an order, getting whatever Billy wants, too, which turns out to be a coffee with cream and way too much sugar for Grayson’s tastes. 

Billy looks at Grayson expectantly and follows the other boy. He carries his drink past the tables with people reading various books and having discussions with each other over politics, classes, God, and whatever else comes up in the moment. Billy wonders if Grayson brought him here for some sort of academic intervention on the life of homosexuals and black people in today’s society. He almost laughs at the idea. But then Grayson opens a door in the back and they enter a large room with chairs in a circle. There are a good number of people there, maybe twenty, and they all turn to look when the door opens. 

Billy doesn’t miss the quick flash of fear on some of their faces before they break out in wide smiles. “Grayson!” a few of them yell out. Billy looks at his friend and sees that he is smiling, too. He wonders what type of weirdos have a party in a bookstore, but decides he’ll stick around for a little bit out of curiosity. 

A number of people come over to the duo and Billy is caught up in a lot of introductions, confident he’s going to forget half of the names. Grayson finally saves him from the throng of people and motions him to a chair and sits down next to him. He takes the brief respite from the welcome wagon to look around. There are some pretty girls and he’s thinking maybe he can pick up some numbers before the night is over. Then again, maybe this is Grayson’s way of helping him figure out who he actually would like to take home. After all, the guys seem decent enough, but one or two of them are slender and almost willowy. Billy decides that is probably good for some people, but it’s not his type. He likes his women curvy and his men with some muscle. 

He gasps and feels his face heat up as the thought hits him that he just assessed what type of men he likes. He leans forward, certain that he’s going to vomit. He’s not gay. He knows he’s not gay. He’s at this fucking meeting and he’s checking out guys and that’s not okay. He doesn’t realize that he’s struggling to breathe until Grayson’s voice seems very loud in his ear. Billy closes his eyes and tries to focus on what’s happening in the moment. His go-to is to hit something, but he’s so intent on not destroying this fragile friendship with Grayson, that he clenches his fists and starts digging the knuckles into his thighs. He hears his own whimper and then growls at his lack of control. 

Billy starts hearing what Grayson is saying. Something about breathing. His voice sounds very concerned and the drop of wetness on his fists frustrate him because he knows without a doubt that he’s crying. Then he focuses more on what Grayson is actually saying. 

“Whoa… hey, just be careful, okay? He lashes out sometimes. I’m not even sure _I_ should touch him.” 

“Go ahead and try and if he goes to hit you, I’ll hold him, okay?”

The second voice is soothing and Billy shifts his focus to knees coming into his line of sight as he opens his eyes again. Someone is squatting in front of him, but he’s not sure who and he can’t look up right now. He lets out a breath as Grayson’s hand comes to rest warm and heavy on his back between his shoulder blades. 

The second person speaks again. “Grayson, what’s his name?”

“Billy. It’s Billy.” The hand on his back starts to rub soothing circles and he lets out another breath. 

“Hi Billy. My name’s Kyle. I’m going to touch you, okay? You can tell me to stop anytime you want.” 

Billy watches as hands move into his line of sight. He shudders as the hands turn and enclose his fists in their warmth. Billy sobs out another breath and releases some of the tension in his hands. Grayson’s hand moves to Billy’s side and pulls him against him. “This is too much. I fucked up. I need to get him out of here.” 

“Alright. I can help you get him into one of the back rooms until he feels ready. We still have about 30 minutes of the mingle or whatever the hell it is.” 

Billy can hear the smile in the man’s voice, but also notices that his thumbs are now rubbing little circles into the backs of Billy’s hands, as if he’s trying to slowly lighten the mood and bring Billy back. Billy’s not really sure where he needs to come back from, but he knows that he’s somewhere terrifying and confusing. He barely notices when he’s helped up and toward the back. He hears Grayson whisper a few times, as if he’s mouthing “He’s fine,” or “It’s okay, thank you,” or “He just needs a minute.” Billy wraps his arms around himself to keep from screaming at people to stop fucking looking at him. The fact that nobody persists must mean they’re being respectful, more for Grayson’s sake than for his. He doesn’t know any of these people. He’s having a breakdown surrounded by strangers and he’s not sure he can handle that for much longer. When he walks into another room and hears the door close behind him, it’s as if the flood lets loose. He’s pushed into the corner of an oversized loveseat and covers his face and sobs. 

Grayson stares at Billy in horror and then at Kyle, a long-time friend who was nice enough to come over and help when Billy started having the panic attack. “I didn’t know… I didn’t think he’d freak out.”

Kyle shrugs. “Sometimes it’s not something you can prepare for. For all you know, he saw socks on someone that reminded him of a long dead uncle. You just have to be here for him when he is able to talk about it.” 

Grayson runs a hand through his hair. “Fuck.. _Fuck!_ ” At Billy’s flinch, he feels himself burn under the angry heat of Kyle’s stare. He softens his voice. “Billy, it’s okay. I’m really sorry I yelled. I’m not angry with you at all. I’m angry with myself. I shouldn’t have brought you out with a bunch of people you don’t know. I was just trying to help and-“

“Grayson!” Kyle hisses at him in frustration. “It’s not about you, man. Just focus on… Billy, right? Yeah, just focus on Billy. Let’s get him feeling better.” He sits down in a chair next to the loveseat and takes one of Billy’s hands from his face when he sees the other boy start digging his nails into the flesh there. 

Grayson snaps out of it soon enough and sits down next to Billy and takes his other hand to prevent the damage Kyle saw happening. “Billy? Hey, you’re safe here. I’m with you and my friend, Kyle… he’s a pretty okay guy. We’re both here whenever you are ready to talk.”

The tight grip on Billy’s hands and the knowledge that he’s away from all the staring eyes help to calm him down enough to take a shuddering breath and then another until he’s regulating his breathing again. But then his thoughts turn to Steve and how he panicked, too, and how Billy made that happen. Billy made Steve feel like this and he walked away. He made things so much worse for him than it will ever be for himself. This thought quickly has the opposite effect he thought it would and sobers him. With what Steve went through, Billy isn’t about to lose himself to shame and guilt that he deserves to feel. He takes another deep breath and stares at the floor. “I… I was checking out the guys out there.”

Grayson sighs. “Oh…”

Kyle glances over Billy’s bowed head to Grayson. “I mean… yeah… it’s kind of what a lot of us do.” He catches the sheepish look that flashes across Grayson’s face. “Shit… you didn’t know?”

Grayson sighs again. “I mean… yeah, I knew, but…”

“But _he_ didn’t know and you went ahead and brought him here to, what? Force him into it? Jesus Christ, Grayson, you might as well have thrown someone into a volcano to get them used to the heat…”

“You’re being dramatic, Kyle.”

“Fuck you, Grayson.” Kyle glares at the other man. 

Billy shakes his head. “Fuck _both_ of you. Can you shutup a minute so I can think?”

Kyle and Grayson share a surprised smile over Billy’s head. 

Billy leans back and closes his eyes, allowing the soft loveseat to cushion him as he slides his ass forward a bit to get into a better reclining position. He opens his eyes and stares at the ceiling before sliding his eyes over to Grayson. “I figured you were bringing me to one of those activist groups for gay guys or something or maybe you know… black people. But when we got here, I thought maybe you were going to watch me to see if I could get a girl to come home with me, or a guy. But then I saw some of the guys and I started thinking about my type and I realized there were a few who were not my type. But that meant there are some who _are_ my type and… it’s not just about me being close to someone and then wanting to try things with them….”

Kyle can’t keep his mouth shut and stares at Grayson like the man has grown a second head. “You didn’t even tell him what _type_ of meeting you brought him to?” He sighs. “Billy, this is a support group, for people who like… It’s for gay guys and lesbians and… people who feel different and can’t always share their feelings and thoughts with the people they love. A lot of people here join us in order to get the support they need to come out to people they care about.”

Billy sits up and looks at the other guy, about to ask more when he stops and his breath catches. Nothing about the guy remotely looks like Steve Harrington. Not the short hair that is more strawberry blonde than red. Not the smattering of freckles on his nose and across his cheeks, not the muscular build where Steve is more lithe. But his eyes are rich brown and innocent with a hint of mischief and he can’t stop himself from looking a little too long as his high school rival takes his place in the forefront of his thoughts once more.

Grayson notices that Billy’s staring and thinks to interrupt until he can see that Kyle is staring a bit too long, also. He finally clears his throat. “So.. Billy, we can go if you’d like.”

Billy shakes his head and looks at Grayson, struggling to tear his gaze away from Kyle. “No… No, I’d like to stay.” 

“Alright, I’ll make sure we have seats together. Come out when you’re ready.” Kyle walks out as the two friends stay for a moment. 

“Billy, I really am sorry.”

Billy shakes his head. “No, I get it. I don’t think you were expecting me to do that. I’m sure you figured I would just meet people and realize they’re all just…normal….” Billy’s mind starts clicking things into place and he looks slowly at Grayson again. “They all knew you.”

Grayson had almost forgotten about all of that in the wake of Billy’s breakdown. “Yeah… that’s the _actual_ reason I brought you here. I wanted… um… support.”

“You’re gay.” It wasn’t a question, but more of a confirmation. 

Grayson nods. “Yeah, and if you don’t want to live with me, I’m good with that. I can move out and find a place and maybe help you find a decent person to be your roommate. I don’t want to force you into a situation that you-“ 

Billy gets tired of listening to him and holds up his hand. "Look, we're going to table this for now. I can only handle so much at a time. You're gay and I'm not going to think about it until I'm ready, alright?"

Grayson’s eyes widen and he stares at Billy in shock. “I mean... yeah... Yeah, that's fine. I guess I was expecting more... violence?”

“You deserve to be punched, but not for being gay. Lying to me, though... that's not cool. I've said some pretty rough things in front of you and I wouldn't have... but maybe it's better you heard them so you could help me not to say stuff like that anymore.” Billy sits up straighter. 

“Um… I guess so. I'm... Just so you know, I'm not into you or anything. You don't have to worry about that.”

“Cool. So no need to move out. I mean, I'd have to be the one to go since your ego couldn't fit through the fucking door." He smirks. "No offense, but I already like you as a friend only so I thought if you were hot for me, it could be awkward... for you... because I'd have to shoot you down.”

“Wow… for real, dude?” Grayson is relieved as he feels he and Billy getting back to the friendly banter that he enjoys so much. 

Billy laughs, finally feeling as if he has some purchase on reality again. “I’m way too far out of your league.” He stands up. “Come on, let’s go see if Kyle got us those seats.”

“You’re a jackass, Billy.” Grayson smirks and follows him out.

Billy shrugs. “At least that’s one thing we’re sure of, right?” He smiles and walks to where Kyle is holding their spots so Billy is sitting in the middle of the two of them. Billy sits and takes another deep breath and waits for the meeting to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG, my friends are making fun of me because of how much I write about Grayson, but for real.... He's like the first friend Billy has had in a long time and I just love him so much. He's my own original character and I have a soft spot for him. He's not going to be the star of the fic, but I think it's good sometimes to see Billy and Steve and the party through fresh eyes. I hope you enjoyed this and please feel free to leave me kudos or comments. I don't need them to continue, but they're lovely to read all the same.


	12. Three Months Ago - Billy (Part III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy grows a LOT in this chapter, and not in very healthy ways because Billy has no guidance in how to take care of himself when he has to make up for something. All he knows is painful punishment and violence. However, with the right support, Billy will come out of this with a better understanding of just how wrong his father was when it comes to how the world works.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I know it's been awhile, but I've actually been working on this chapter THAT long! I'm really trying to make this slow and give everyone moments in their stories where we can actually see the shifts. Remember, there are relationships happening in this with OCs with Steve and Billy. Steve's are all physical, but Billy's are a mixed bag. But none will hold the emotional intensity AND the sexual instensity like the one that will eventually happen between our boys. There is NO Billy/Grayson pairing and there never will be. 
> 
> My OCs play a huge part in this chapter because Billy's world is expanding beyond his father's antiquated views and his heavy fists. Steve will naturally have a lot of support, but I don't think it will work for Billy to have the same support system for awhile so this chapter really builds a bit upon who Billy is going to have in his corner as the fic continues. 
> 
> There are a few touchy spots in this chapter. PLEASE heed the warnings and tags. I have given warning when getting to possibly sensitive topics and given an all clear note in the chapter when it's safe to move on. See end notes for summaries of those parts.

A woman who looks to be in her 30s stands and smiles at the group at large. “Thank you for joining us tonight. For those who don’t know, I’m Felicia and I lead the meetings most weeks. We have a few new faces and, as you all know, nobody has to talk, but I would like to know if anyone was brought by someone else so, if you brought a guest for the first time, please raise your hand and introduce them and let us know if status is in or out so we can be respectful on the outside when we’re not in this meeting.” 

Billy watches as a few people stand up and introduce some people who don’t look nearly as nervous as Billy feels. Their names are given and how they met and then they are followed by the designation of ‘out.’” When it seems as if everyone is finished, he feels Grayson stand beside him. He looks up, feeling more panicked than usual. It’s just an introduction and he doesn’t even have to speak, but something about this feels like a really big deal. 

Grayson smiles down at Billy and then at the others. “Hey everyone. For those who don’t know me, I’m Grayson.” A few people snicker and Billy realizes that Grayson is pretty well known. “This is my friend Billy. We’re roommates and unfortunately he has a really negative viewpoint, but he’s trying really hard to learn new things so… not sure if he actually meets the requirements for a status, but I’m hoping we can help him figure out who he is.” He sits as a large number of people raise their eyebrows in surprise. 

The woman who started the meeting smiles warmly at Billy. “Welcome. I hope you find what you need here.” She looks around again. “Anyone want to share a challenge or a success?” 

A young woman, probably from the college by the looks of her wardrobe containing numerous university merchandise, raises her hand. “Yeah, um I’m Stacy… most of you know I’m a junior at the college and I’m planning to talk to my parents over Thanksgiving break about everything. But, before that, I told my best friend. I thought she’d hate me, but she didn’t. She told me she loves me and she’s here for me. And she said that if my parents freak out, I’m staying with her. She even told her parents and they’re in my corner, too. It feels really good.” 

The group claps their hands and then one of the more slender guys speaks up. “I’m Reese. Uh, I told my big brother and he said, ‘well yeah…’” He laughs. “I seriously thought he would be awful about it. My parents already know, but telling Carl was torture. My mom and dad told me he would be fine and it’s funny because they were both so surprised when I told them and Carl apparently knew all along.” 

Kyle raises his hand and Billy turns to watch him. “I’m Kyle and…” He squirms uncomfortably. “I was… formally dis-invited to Homecoming at my alma mater today. I was Homecoming King last year and I’m supposed to be there this year with the girl who was Queen to… like newly crown the winners this year, but… uh… one of the people who go to church with my parents found out about me as I talked about at the last meeting. For those of you who weren’t here last time, one of the church folks… I guess they were visiting mom and dad and mom had left one of my letters out on the table where she was reading it and… this person saw it and I guess decided to read it. I was telling mom about the breakup with Martin and there really was no denying that I was gay so they didn’t and this person made a fuss at the church in front of the whole congregation and outed me to all of my parents’ friends. But today… well, I guess it got back to the right people and I got a call from my old football coach. He said that I’m not welcome at the Homecoming events and… at the football reunion stuff, either.” He sighs. “But it’s not all bad.” He smiles, clearly not willing to feel sorry for himself. “A handful of people stood up in the church service yesterday and told that person where they could shove the judgment. They also told the minister that if he actually condemns me or anyone for who I love, they don’t need to be there. They actually took my parents out of there and went to their house and now they’re looking for another church or just a minister to lead a new one.” He laughs lightly. “So maybe I don’t get to go back to a school where I had to pretend I’m someone I’m not, but the people who matter? There are more of them than I thought and that’s pretty fucking cool.”

The room erupts in applause and Billy can’t help but grin at the happy ending to the story. He notices Grayson stand and hug Kyle tightly, patting him on the back before sitting back down. Billy considers saying something to Kyle, but he doesn’t know him nearly well enough for that and decides to keep his mouth shut for now. 

After things settle down, a woman probably in her 30s or 40s and sitting next to Felicia raises her hand, never looking up, and she looks small and tired. The room seems to quiet even more and Felicia places her hand gently on the other woman’s shoulder. “Elizabeth? Are you sure you want to speak to the group?”

 

*****Trigger for discussion of sexual assault*****

The woman nods and speaks so softly that many of the members lean forward to hear better. “I haven’t been here for awhile, about three months now. I stayed away because I was worried I was being followed. Turns out I was right.” She shivers and keeps her gaze locked on her feet. “Last time I was here, I told you that I was ready to break up with my boyfriend. And I did. I didn’t tell him why, but he saw me this weekend… he saw me at the club so that’s how I know he was following me because he would have never known that place existed otherwise. He went to my house at some point. I didn’t even remember that he still had a key.” She starts to cry and Felicia wraps an arm around her shoulder. “I can’t… Felicia I can’t.” She starts to sob. “Please, can you tell them?”

Felicia takes a deep breath and holds the now openly crying woman to her. “He decided to prove to her that she really wanted to be with him and he surprised her when she came home that night…” She looks at Elizabeth again and whispers something, which she responds to by nodding. Felicia squeezes Elizabeth’s shoulders before addressing the group again. “It was her birthday the next day. I decided to surprise her that night, though, and I let myself in like… like she has told me to in the past. I knew she had been at the club so earlier that evening I stopped by and stashed some decorations. I was coming back that night to decorate while she slept so she could wake up to a surprise and…” She sighs. “That doesn’t matter.” 

She leans in and kisses the top of the woman’s head and Billy is pretty sure they’re more than friends. The story is starting to make him uncomfortable and he sees others starting to tense up, also. Elizabeth sobs loudly and runs out. Another woman jumps up and goes with her as tears slip down Felicia’s face. “We both knew she might get overwhelmed and she gave me permission before the meeting to share the rest of the story.” She starts wringing her hands. “I figured she was asleep at first, but then I saw the lamp… it was overturned and I knew something was wrong. I went upstairs. I was only halfway there when I heard the scuffling. I opened the door and he was… I just… I hit him in the head with Elizabeth’s jewelry box that was on her dresser. I mean he didn’t get as far as he wanted to, but it was close.” 

Billy can feel the collective sigh of relief around the room. Felicia’s tone changes to angry. “If I hadn’t gone over… He would have succeeded in doing even more damage than he did. And trust me, it’s plenty. She can’t sleep. She has nightmares.” A man sitting nearby reaches over and holds Felicia’s hand, which serves to calm her. “He was arrested.” She holds her hand up to silence everyone as they begin to clap. “The police said it was a ‘domestic dispute.’ And after he told them about Elizabeth…. About me… Um, the police didn’t want anything to do with the case.” 

Billy gasps, not sure why it should surprise him, but he was lulled into the feeling of acceptance of the people in the room with him and momentarily forgot that the world outside was still unfair and cruel. The sense of safety he started to feel evaporated. He realizes this is most likely what the people in this room live with daily and it makes him sick to know that he was just like the people who had caused so many of them pain. 

Elizabeth and the woman who ran after her come back in and Felicia holds her hand out. Elizabeth takes it and sits down again. “Did you tell them?”

Felicia nods. “I just told them about how he was arrested and how the police didn’t want anything to do with it after he told them about us.”

Elizabeth wraps her arms around herself, still not looking at the group. “I don’t feel safe anymore. It’s like I’m hated for who I love and that people don’t even think I have the _right_ to be safe. And the worst part… the police… well, one of them… he told me that I should _expect_ this because of my ‘deviant behavior.’” She hugs herself tighter and rubs her hands up and down her own arms.   
Billy squirms a bit in his seat. He feels sorry for the woman, but what’s really sinking in is that she was _really_ attacked and he had pretended to be attacked just to get some sort of sick revenge on Steve Harrington. He wonders briefly what would have happened if Steve had been the one to accuse Billy. The thought of the beating Steve’s father gave him causes him to shudder. Billy rubs his palms against his denim clad legs and he swears he can hear his heartbeat and that it’s trying to beat out of his chest. 

Grayson turns to him and notices the change. He touches Billy’s shoulder only to have the boy flinch and pull away. Grayson frowns and catches Kyle’s attention. Kyle waits until Felicia looks up and motions subtly to Billy. Felicia nods in understanding and clears her throat. 

“I know this is a very difficult situation to talk about. I know we have a number of people here who have been victims of physical and sexual assaults. So let’s take a quick break and use the time to get ourselves together or comfort each other. When we come back, I’ll ask if anyone else has something to share and then we’ll talk about some of the plans we’re making to reach out to the community.” 

Billy glances up and sees some of the people nod in understanding. One man, maybe in his late 20s, covers his face with his hands as he cries. He quickly gets an arm wrapped around him and Billy notices the quick flinch followed by relaxation as he seems to recognize that he’s safe. 

*****Safer for now*****

Billy can only think that he is about to be killed by all of these people if they find out what he did. And he doesn’t even think that he minds it. They’d be justified. Listening to that woman and what happened to her and knowing that he took stories like hers and used them for something so pointless as revenge against a high school rival has his stomach rolling, but he holds back the illness when he hears the scrape of the chair next to him. 

Grayson settles the chair in front of Billy and sits down again. “Billy?” He places his hands on Billy’s to stop him from rubbing the skin off his palms from the friction on the denim. “Come on, man. Come back to me.” 

Billy closes his eyes tightly, able to see Steve trying to fend off blow after blow from his father. He can hear his screams for help. Billy was right there and he could have stopped all of it. He could have just taken the scholarship and left. He didn’t have to dig in deeper to hurt the kid. 

Grayson can tell Billy is starting to have another bad panic attack and stands, pulling Billy along with him. He recognizes the signs of a man who is going to blindly be guided because his brain has him occupied elsewhere. He looks up at Kyle. “I’ve got it. Call me later, though, in case I need some help.” 

He leads Billy out a back door into the alley behind the shop. Although it’s technically an alley, the pavement is all brick and there are trees in small circular sections down the middle with benches along both sides. He takes Billy over to a bench and sits him down, taking the seat next to him. “Billy, I’m here, okay? You talk when you can. I won’t leave you.” 

Billy grabs on to the bench as if he’s trying to balance himself. He thinks that he’s saddled Steve with a curse. He told people that Steve was not only gay, but a sexual predator. What if someone called him a fag? What if someone tried to hurt him to show him that he’s not gay. Worse, what if someone wants to kill him like he wants to kill the guy who hurt that girl? And what if someone does and nobody cares because of what _he_ told everyone Steve is.

He looks at Grayson and shakes his head, suddenly feeling very vulnerable and irrationally starts thinking that everything has been a giant ruse to punish him. Maybe Grayson knew what he did and maybe decided that Billy had to pay. “You _will_ leave me when I tell you what I did. God, why did you _bring_ me here? Do you know? Did you hear about what he did to me? Is that it? I don’t even know how you would have found out.” He hangs his head in shame. 

Grayson grips Billy’s hand. “Whoa… wait, did someone… did someone rape you? Shit, Billy. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I’d known. I would have talked to you about what’s going on privately.”

Billy leans back and laughs, but there is no humor in it. “Raped… No, not exactly. I think _I’m_ the rapist. I don’t even know anymore.” He takes a deep breath. “I want to tell you what happened. You’ve actually been a good friend. But once you know, we won’t be friends anymore and I won’t blame you for walking away or kicking me out or whatever you want to do. Hell, I’ll even let you get a few punches in. I deserve them.”

Grayson stands. “Come on. Let’s go back to our room. It sounds like this is a talk we need to have somewhere nobody can disturb us. But first… promise me that nobody sexually assaulted you. Because if someone did…”

Billy watches as Grayson’s hands ball up into fists and he looks up to see that the other boy’s eyes are filled with fury and brimming with unshed tears. Billy stands in front of Grayson. “Don’t waste your tears on me, Grayson. I’m not worth it. And… why don’t you go get Kyle. I think you’ll need a friend tonight and I’m not going to be one of them pretty soon.” 

Grayson looks shocked, but after waiting a beat to make sure Billy is serious, he goes in to get Kyle. Both men come out and Kyle looks decidedly uncomfortable. “Um… I barely know you so this is-“

“You know _Grayson_ , don’t you?” Billy is more shocked than the other two by the venom in his voice. He takes a deep breath. “You’re not going to the dorm for _me_. You’re going for _him_. He’s going to need you. Trust me on that. And I… I might need one of you to protect me from the other. But I won’t fight either of you. I’ll take whatever you dish out. I… I promise.” He walks away toward the dorms, grateful when he hears the sounds of the other two following behind him. He brushes off any attempts they make to talk to him and the weight of the guilt he’s carrying seems to get heavier the closer they get. By the time he walks into their room, he’s exhausted and practically collapses on one of the two plush chairs they had purchased at a thrift store down the street. He looks up at Grayson. “I’m so sorry, Grayson. For what I’m about to tell you. I’m sorry.”

Grayson stares at him for a moment, almost scared to find out Billy’s secret. Kyle takes one of the desk chairs and sits down on it backward and looks at Grayson for guidance in how to handle this situation. Grayson finally sits down in the chair and grips the armrests a bit before settling back. “Okay. Talk.”

“I…” He stands and paces and then sits again. After another minute of silence, he starts to pace again. Grayson finally goes to him and grips his upper arms lightly. “Look, you’re freaked out. I know. But it seems like if you _don’t_ tell me, you’re going to lose it even more.” 

Billy nods and sits down again, waiting for Grayson to do the same and grateful that Kyle hasn’t said one word. Grayson shoots a look at Kyle, who shrugs in confusion. Grayson waits for another minute of complete silence. “Billy… what is this thing that you think is going to ruin our friendship?”

Billy takes a deep breath. “That guy… Steve Harrington…”

“Ah… yeah, I knew there was more about that guy than you were telling me.”

Billy nods. “Yeah, a lot more. I told you I hated him, but… I was jealous. He was the basketball star when I got there and I was no better than white trash in that town while he… he was rich as fuck. He had everything. Even with all that money, he was going to try and go for a basketball scholarship and I screwed him out of it.” He goes on to tell him about what he and the guys did to him to make sure he didn’t get it. “But he’s so fucking rich and I had _nothing_. I had to get out of that town. I couldn’t stay there with my dad and just be what he wanted me to be, which is a _nobody_.”

Grayson frowns. “Billy, that’s seriously fucked up. I get that you wanted the money and the education and I definitely know why you wanted to get away from your father, but hurting someone to get something you want instead of earning it…”

“I did earn it. Those scouts wouldn’t have talked to me at all if I wasn’t any good.”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, true, but hell… maybe you both could have gotten scholarships. If he thought he could get one and you did get one, it seems like together the two of you would have been rock stars on the court. I’m betting you could have both gotten something you wanted. I just don’t get how you didn’t see that.”

“I don’t know. My life is about survival. There is no collaboration in the Hargrove household. It’s kill or be killed.” 

Grayson takes it all in and sighs. “I don’t agree with what you did. But I am hoping you’re a different guy now.” 

Billy shakes his head. “I’d do it again. He has the money. I don’t.” He shrugs. “I’m upset I did that to him, but like I said…it was about survival. I couldn’t stay with my dad. I just couldn’t.”

“Okay, you’re wrong. You wouldn’t do the same thing again. Maybe at the time you didn’t see another way out, but if you went back in time with the knowledge you have now, I have to believe you would make a different choice.”

Billy laughs harshly. “Yeah, well… I have a pretty long list of reasons to go back in time and it’s far more complicated than just a fucking scholarship.”

Kyle isn’t buying it and has a feeling that Billy is stuck on how to move forward so he intervenes. “Fair enough. So you feel like he wasn’t really losing anything. So, why did you think that would fuck things up with you and Grayson?”

Grayson and Billy both look up, almost forgetting that Kyle was there at all. 

Billy shrugs. “His dad beat him up… like really beat him up.”

“What does that have to do with you?”

Billy stands and paces again. “I went to Steve’s house, to rub it in his face about what happened. This was… before graduation and after everyone found out about something I said. I heard his dad yelling at him before I got anywhere near the house and I was glad. I wanted him to have a taste of the shit I deal with all the time.” He rubs a hand over the back of his neck and tries to talk again, but feels like he’s choking on his own words. 

Grayson stands and walks over to him, placing his hands on his shoulders and forcing Billy to be face to face. “Billy, I’m really starting to realize how fucked up you really are and I’m not sure that I want to hold myself back from hurting your dad anymore, but nothing will change for you if you can’t own up to whatever it is that’s dragging you down.”

Billy nods and swallows hard. “I… I looked in the window and his father… was hitting him. Like not really like what I deal with at all. His father wasn’t stopping and his mother acted bored by the whole thing. Steve was crying… begging for help. And I… I walked away.”

Grayson sits again. “Billy… how could you? You know what it’s like to-“

“That’s just it!” Billy begins to pace again. “I don’t know what it’s like! I know what it’s like to get hit and be told that I’m a piece of shit, but this was like… my whole life compressed into one horrible violent interaction and I couldn’t watch it! That was _me_! I watched his father punch him over and over again and it was like looking into a crystal ball! I’m going to be that person!”

“That’s not true! You’re nothing like-“

“I’m _exactly_ like him!” Billy yells loud enough that even Kyle jumps. “I’m worse than him! Steve’s dad was kicking the shit out of his own kid because of what _I_ did!”

Kyle stands then and his voice is low, steady, and dangerous. “What did you do, Billy?”

Grayson looks over at Kyle, his eyes starting to fill up with tears for the boy that he’s learned to consider a friend. “He told you, Kyle. He fucked up the scholarship. God, what kind of father pushes his son so hard that he has to get so desperate just to escape. Billy, please stop. You’re not like him. I’m here and-“

Kyle doesn't acknowledge Grayson's attempt to see Billy in a good light. “What did you _do_ , Billy?” 

Billy looks at Kyle, meeting his beautiful brown eyes with his own and for a second he pretends that Steve is the person in front of him and that is the only reason that he doesn’t crumble before he can make his admission. Because Steve deserves for Billy to face it head on. “I lied. All of it. I made it up.”

Grayson stands and wipes at his eyes, looking between his two friends. “Lied… about what?”

Kyle isn’t wavering in his gaze and Billy finds it unsettling how terrifying it is to have this man staring at him. It feels as if Kyle already knows and is forcing it out of him. “It wasn’t enough. The scholarship. I told people… I told people that we were at the school and that he had a crush on me.”

Grayson sighs. “Oh Billy….”

Kyle’s eyes narrow. “What else?”

Billy chews on his bottom lip. “I told everyone… that Steve made a pass at me and I didn’t like it and I was freaked out and… he touched me against my will.”

Grayson turns then, walking to the dresser and leaning against it, burying his face in his arms. “Billy…”

Kyle’s eyes widen slightly and he sits back down, seemingly shocked by what he’s heard. 

Billy walks closer to Grayson, but doesn’t crowd him. “That’s why he didn’t show up at his graduation, the day he got beat. I made him a pariah. _I_ did that. I ruined his senior year and for _what_? Some petty shit that I didn’t even understand about myself yet? But I did to him what was done to me and Jamie. It wasn’t fair that we couldn’t be friends anymore and I just… I didn’t want Steve to have friends anymore, either. He had everything, Grayson… They called him _King_ Steve before I showed up. It made me sick.” He holds his breath, not wanting to look at Grayson or Kyle. It’s Kyle’s soft voice that breaks the silence with a subtle dare to lie again. 

“What happened when you told everyone the truth?”

Billy steps back and that’s when Grayson looks up, his gaze locked on Billy. “Billy? Answer the question…” He pushes off from the dresser and moves closer. Kyle is up then and in the space between them, facing Grayson, who doesn’t even seem to register Kyle’s presence. “Answer the question, Billy!”

Billy shakes his head. “I never told the truth.” He backs up as Grayson lunges for him and is glad that Kyle is there to stop him, but isn’t under any delusion that Kyle’s interference is for his benefit. He’s protecting Grayson from being tainted by the monster that Billy is. Regardless, he feels he has to try and make the other boy understand. “I _couldn’t_! I didn’t want anything to stop me from getting out of Hawkins. I didn’t really confirm the rumor later, when someone would ask me. I told people he had a crush and I didn’t and that was the end of it. But I never talked about him crossing the line again. I felt too guilty and I didn’t know why. I’d waited for so long to see how the king had fallen and when he did… When he did by my hand, it wasn’t… It didn’t feel as good as I thought it would.” 

“And that makes it _okay_? That shit… that shit you did is why Elizabeth and others like her can’t get justice! You’re no better than the guy who almost raped her!”

“Whoa…” Kyle places his hand on Grayson’s shoulder. “Come on, man… that’s not fair.”

Grayson finally looks to Kyle. “Not fair? What about this guy that Billy destroyed? You think he’s living in a fair world right now? He’s suffering because of what Billy did! He’s suffering, isn’t he, Billy?”

Billy shakes his head. “No. Not really. His parents… I heard they were sending him off to some fucking resort. I guess to let things die down.” He frowns. “I thought you wouldn’t judge.”

“I’m _not_ judging. There’s nothing to judge! You’re _wrong_! It’s not even an opinion! It’s a fact! What you did is unforgiveable.” 

“Wait… what?” 

“I want you out. I _need_ you _out_!”

Billy nods his head and grabs a duffle and moves over to grab some things and shove them in. “I’ll pick up the rest of my things later.” He manages to make it out of the dorm room before he starts to cry, but he feels the anger coming to the surface again. Grayson had told him that he wouldn’t judge and then he’d done just that. Billy knows he can’t count on anyone and he’d allowed himself to believe in a friendship that never existed. Nobody was that good… Nobody except for Harrington and he had fallen because of it. 

“Billy!”

He turns to see Kyle jogging down the steps toward him and he drops his duffle, ready to take the punches that are most likely going to be thrown. He juts his chin out a bit in defiance. “Come to take me on? Won’t matter. I meant what I said. I’m not fighting back.”

Kyle stops in front of him and shakes his head. He holds out a key. “My roommate stays at his girlfriend’s house and doesn’t say anything so I can have a private room in exchange for convincing his parents he’s still playing the part of perfect angel.”

“Nice story. What’s that got to do with me?”

“Take the key, Billy. Stay at my place. I’ll stay with Grayson. He’s hurt right now and you know that he has the right to deal with this in his own way. I know him, though. He’s going to hate himself tomorrow for throwing you out.”

Billy takes the key from him. “Thanks…”

“Don’t thank me. Like I said, Grayson will feel like shit. At least this way he won’t think you stayed on the streets. I’m trying to convince myself that you’re worth his time. If he wants to see you, at least he’ll know where you are. Don’t come back until I tell you that it’s alright. He doesn’t need to see you right now and if he does want to see you later, it should be on his terms.”

Billy nods and starts to turn away, but then something stops him and he glances back. “How… how is he?”

Kyle releases a breath, maybe partly thinking that there’s hope for Billy for at least giving a shit about someone other than himself. “He’s hurting a _lot_ , but I know him pretty well. He’s too good of a man to hate you, even if he thinks that is what he’s feeling. Grayson doesn’t know how to hate.” He smiles slightly, but it’s sad. “I’m going to try and calm him down to get some sleep. He’s on the phone with his cousin right now. He was inconsolable, but I know that he and Josh are really close. Being at my place might help you avoid him since Josh probably _will_ kill for Grayson.”

Billy sighs. “Not sure that’s such a bad idea. If it helps at all… I’m making calls in the morning. I’ll give you money for the long distance, but… I’m gonna tell the truth. Tonight is the last night that Steve Harrington is considered the pervert of Hawkins. I promise. Actually… don’t tell Grayson that. I’m not doing this for him. I’m not even doing it for me. Steve deserves some vindication and I’m going to make sure he gets it.” 

Kyle isn’t sure what to think of Billy Hargrove, but he’s more convinced than ever that Grayson’s presence has changed this kid for the better. He rattles off the information for his dorm and then heads back inside. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

*****Trigger warning again for confusing sex (one person doesn’t want it but says he does)*****

Billy trudges to the dorm building where Kyle’s room is and slowly walks down the stairs. _The basement… Yeah, seems fitting._ As soon as he gets down there, he dumps his things and fishes around for his cigarettes. He heads out and stops as he sees another boy in the hallway getting ready to light up. “Uh… we can smoke in this building?”

The other boy shrugs. “We can in the basement unless your boyfriend bitches.”

“Boyfriend?”

“Yeah, that’s Kyle’s room, right?”

“Oh… yeah, we’re just… he’s helping me out. He’s not here.”

The boy smiles, his teeth slightly yellowed. “Oh… well, that’s cool.” He walks over. “Jacob.” He holds out his hand. 

Billy shakes it and then pulls out his lighter and lights the cigarette for him before lighting his own. He takes one harsh drag and then looks the other boy over. “Billy.”

Jacob is a skinny kid, but with some attitude. His dark hair is longer than Billy’s and stick straight. He has a little bit of acne on his forehead, but nothing too awful. He leans against the wall and they smoke in silence for a bit before Jacob’s curiosity gets the best of him. “So… if Kyle isn’t your boyfriend, who is?”

Billy continues to stare straight ahead. “Don’t have one.”

Jacob looks Billy over again. “Girlfriend?”

“Don’t have one of those, either.” He turns to look at Jacob and knows the assessing look and what that means. “You have something in mind?”

“You a one night stand sort of guy, Billy?”

“Nah, not anymore. Now I’m a one-hour punishing force kind of a guy.”

“I don’t do whips and chains, baby.”

“Maybe not literal ones, but… finding pleasure with you tonight… it’ll carry more of a sting.”

Jacob isn’t sure what Billy is talking about, but he’s game. “You blow me and I’ll let you fuck my ass.”

Billy feels heat behind his eyes as he considers just how unappealing it is to have a stranger’s dick in his mouth, but nods. “Deal.”

Jacob grins and leans in, but Billy backs up quickly. “What’s up, Billy? You’re about to have my dick in your mouth? What’s a kiss between convenient lovers?”

Billy shakes his head. “No kissing.” He looks Jacob in the eyes. “And I don’t have a condom so… you’ll have to provide those.”

Jacob nods. “Not an issue.” He heads back into his dorm room and Billy turns to the door and stares at it for awhile. 

He needs this. He needs the pain of having his first time with a man be something ugly and disgusting. He wants to self-impose the humiliation that he blamed Steve for only a few months before. He plasters on a smile as Jacob returns. “Ready?” He lets Jacob in and then closes the door behind them. 

Billy doesn’t tell Jacob that it’s his first time. He doesn’t want kindness and sympathy and he tells Jacob how he likes it rough. He holds it together as the other boy shoves Billy onto the bed and starts kissing at his neck, biting gently on his nipples through the blue shirt that Grayson had liked so much. Billy shoves his fist against his teeth to stop the cry of disgust. He stares at the place where the wall meets the ceiling and tries to lose himself in the shadow there, but Jacob won’t allow it. 

“Come on, pretty. Time to put your mouth to use.” 

Billy pulls the shirt off, not wanting to ruin anything that Grayson likes about him since that’s not much anymore. He rolls Jacob off of him and over to his back. He yanks the pajama pants down without preamble and listens as Jacob laughs and says something about how Billy wasn’t kidding about liking his fucks quick and dirty. Billy hesitates for a quick second as he sees the dick in front of him. He knows the mechanics but this is his first time trying to do anything like this. He moves in and practically gags at the smell. It’s not bad, but it’s a stark contrast to the women he’s eaten out and serves as a reminder that he’s doing something that’s supposed to be a punishment. 

He starts again and finally manages to get his mouth around Jacob’s rapidly filling cock. He tongues lazily at it before gripping it and starting to move onto it. He wishes that Jacob would shut up, though, as the other boy starts saying nasty things about Billy fucking his throat on him and how he wants to cum down his throat. Billy hasn’t considered that and decides immediately that he’s going to try and swallow because of how horrific the idea sounds. 

He continues his ministrations for awhile and tries to keep his face out of Jacob’s pubic hair. It’s not soft like the women he usually goes down on. It’s wiry and springy and he’s certain that the women would feel like that if they didn’t do all that trimming and shaving, but men don’t do that and he figures he should get used to that. He moves faster, gagging himself on Jacob’s cock. He chokes a few times, but doesn’t stop. The moans from above him don’t sound anything like what Billy thought they would. It’s more like grunts and he wonders if anyone who had blown him thought it was hot when he made noises. 

He hears his name over and over again and fingers pulling at his hair. Before he can figure out what’s going on, Jacob is climaxing and Billy finds his mouth filled with the semen of another man. He starts to cough violently and tries to swallow as much as he can, but he ends up pushing off the bed and dropping to the bathroom floor, retching into the toilet. Not much comes up, but he gasps to catch his breath and leans back, flushing the toilet just as Jacob shows up to lean against the door. “Um… you alright?”

Billy nods. “Sorry, had… too much to drink earlier and I was taking a breath just as you came.”

Jacob starts laughing. “Oh man… that’s the worst. Hey, I tried to warn you. But it was still kinda hot. I don’t think anything you do wouldn’t be hot. Damn, you look like a model.”

Billy grabs some toilet paper, thanking whatever deity put Kyle in one of the five rooms in the building that had a private bathroom, and wipes his mouth and blows his nose. “Yeah? Well, you promised this model a turn at your ass. You got lube?”

Jacob grins. “Yeah and the condom.” He walks out and gets on the bed. Billy follows and snatches the condom from him. He looks up at the ceiling and kicks his jeans off. He starts to stroke himself to get himself hard and worries that he won’t be able to continue, but then he looks down and sees Jacob’s ass up in the air and he lets his imagination take him away. He uses the lube to stretch Jacob and rolls his eyes when he doesn’t have to do much. He pulls his fingers out and rolls the condom over himself. He can’t help but smooth a hand down Jacob’s back before lining himself up and pushing in. He grips Jacob’s hips and starts moving in a familiar rhythm. He throws his head back and gets completely lost in the fantasy, but he’s not sure who the person is under him, just that it’s not a random guy from a dorm he’s never been in before. 

Soon, Jacob is struggling. “Stop, baby…”

Billy shudders to a stop. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, just have an idea.” He gets up and shoves Billy back down onto the bed. “Don’t want to give Kyle a little gift so I figured this would work better.” He straddles Billy and moves himself over his cock before spearing himself on it. He starts to bounce lightly up and down and Billy is still lost on why they switched positions. He has to close his eyes now to get back into his fantasy, but it doesn’t take too long and he’s moaning in frustration. Jacob frowns and rubs his ass crack against Billy’s softening cock, too lost in his own desire to stop just because Billy can’t keep up. He jerks off quickly and paints Billy’s chest with cum. 

Billy turns his face away, hating the feeling of being covered with this guy’s seed and starts to get up. “Sorry about that…. Like I said… drank too much.”

Jacob grins. “Oh no, baby… I’m gonna take care of you.” He slides down and takes Billy into his mouth after chucking the condom and Billy can’t help but be disgusted by the whole thing. He struggles to get hard and Jacob finally leans back. “Okay, I’m gonna make it good for you. I’m determined.” He winks and grabs the lube. 

Billy’s eyes widen and he’s about to say something when he hears Steve’s screams for help in his head. He settles back down. “Yeah… yeah okay…” He waits and holds his breath and jumps when Jacob’s finger circles him, attempting to push in slowly. “Sorry… cold.” 

Jacob laughs. “Yeah, but it’s about to get warmer.” He pushes in a finger without warning and groans. “Damn, baby… you’re tight as fuck. Been awhile, huh?”

Billy tries to catch his breath. “Yeah… yeah it has.” He clenches his eyes shut and bites hard into his lower lip. He doesn’t know how he ended up in this hell, but he knows he deserves it. He gasps as Jacob shoves another finger inside of him and can only liken the feeling to rubbing sensitive skin with sandpaper. He grits his teeth and is about to call mercy when Jacob hits a spot that has him gasping in pleasure. “Oh God…”

Jacob kisses Billy’s thigh. “There we go… Now you’re ready.” He keeps moving his fingers and wraps his mouth around Billy’s girth, using his free hand to hold him steady. It doesn’t take long until he has Billy crying out in ecstasy and begging for release. 

As Jacob pulls off and allows Billy to release all over his own stomach and chest, Billy feels the guilt hit him hard. He’s not supposed to be enjoying anything about this and the pleasure, though intense, is rapidly fading into something ugly. 

Jacob stands and stretches. “I got class tomorrow. You want a smoke?”

Billy shakes his head and turns away. “Nah, man. I’m good. Thanks for the fun.”

“Whenever you want more, you let me know. Damn… you are a _good_ fuck, baby.” He slaps Billy’s ass and doesn’t see the flinch or the way Billy’s tears well over and slide over his face onto the pillow. 

It isn’t until Billy hears the door close that he dares to move. He winces at the pain in his ass and is really glad that Jacob hadn’t asked to fuck him. He’s pretty sure he would have said yes, but he doesn’t think he could have kept up the ruse of enjoying the interaction. He locks the door and then feels the tickle of cum sliding down his chest. He groans and grabs the sheet off of Kyle’s bed, not bothering to fool himself into thinking that it’s clean. He wipes himself down and then tosses the soiled fabric into the corner. He can smell Jacob’s cum in his nose and feel his fingers still and the pain they caused. He can feel the stickiness on his stomach and the heavy phantom weight of a man’s penis on his tongue. He presses his face into the pillow and sobs quietly. His first time with a man is ugly and he’s heartbroken and thankful all at once. He hopes that somewhere Steve feels vindicated, but he’s not sure Steve Harrington will ever give a shit about what Billy does again. As he drifts off to sleep, he promises himself that he won’t stop accepting pain and degradation until the guilt eases or Steve and Grayson forgives him, whichever comes last.

*****End of sexual encounter*****

Kyle and Josh do everything they can to comfort Grayson, but the brunette can only talk about how stupid he is for trusting Billy and introducing him to his friends. Surprisingly, Josh is far calmer than Kyle thought he’d be and after about an hour of Grayson’s verbal self-flagellation, Josh has had enough. 

“Gray, come on… you’re a trusting guy and you couldn’t have known Billy did any of this shit. Fuck, I’m kind of shocked you didn’t think that he was capable of it, though.” 

“What?” Grayson looks up from his folded arms on his desk. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Grayson…. Considering what he called my guys the first time we met him? Seriously? And his father is a douchebag so… how the hell did you think he was going to survive his childhood? By being a damn choir boy?”

Kyle sits back and lets Josh take the lead on this conversation. 

“You have to be kidding me.” Grayson stands and wipes his hand over his face. “Seriously, you’re insane. Didn’t you hear a damn thing I told you?”

“Yeah, and it seems that not long ago you were telling me something about him changing so… what, it only applies to him when you’re not the offended party?”

“Ouch….” Grayson stares at him for a moment and then frowns. “Shit… yeah, I guess you’re right. Great…” He sits down again and Kyle smiles at Josh. But then Grayson’s head snaps up. “I threw him out. Shit, I threw him out! I have to find him and work this out with him and-“ 

“It’s cool. He’s crashing at my place. I told him I’d come over and let him know when the coast was clear if you wanted to see him again. He’s alright with that.”

Grayson sighs in relief. “Thanks for giving him a place to go.”

Kyle shrugs. “I knew you’d be worried.”

Grayson smiles. “You’re a much better friend to me than I’ve been to Billy.”

Josh shakes his head. “Hey, he came here as a racist prejudice jackass and, thanks to you, now he’s just a jackass. I think you’ve clearly been a better friend than you’re giving yourself credit for, Grayson.”  
“I have to agree with Josh on this one. But hey, it’s late. How about we all get some shut eye.”

Grayson nods. “Yeah… yeah, I want to see Billy as soon as I can tomorrow. We’re not going to be fine, but we have to start somewhere.”

“You really like this guy, huh?” Josh leans forward, eager to hear if someone has finally caught his cousin’s attention. 

Grayson shakes his head. “Not like that. I don’t know.. he’s like… the closest thing I’ve had to a brother since…”

Josh frowns. “Yeah, well… I’m glad you have that.”

Kyle has picked up on some things about Grayson’s family from hanging around with him at the meetings, most recently about him having a brother, Morgan, who was killed in an accident when they were in high school. “A brother. Yeah?”

Grayson nods. “I honestly have never felt a quick connection with someone like that before unless it was him or someone I was romantically involved with. But Billy…. I don’t know. He’s special. I don’t really let many people get close to me because friendships aren’t really easy for me, but Billy was different. He made me realize how nice it is to have a friend to back me up.”

Josh sees Grayson mentally beating himself up again by the look on his face. “Hey! Snap out of it. Bed. I have to get home to fuck my wife.”

Kyle rolls his eyes. “Wow….”

Grayson hugs Josh goodbye and then settles in. “Thanks again, Kyle.”

“Not a problem, man. Anything to help.” Grayson falls asleep rather quickly, but Kyle can’t help thinking about Billy for a little while longer before drifting off to sleep. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy cracks an eye open and whimpers at the pain that he’s in. Physically it’s not bad, but the reality of what he did last night overwhelms him. He sits up slowly and wraps his arms around himself. He looks around at the empty room and feels like a whore. He wonders if this is what all the girls that he’s fucked and dumped felt like and sighs as he figures that maybe this is all just karma. He gets up and looks into the bathroom. He shakes his head and pulls on a pair of shorts and a shirt before grabbing his smokes and going out to the hall. He decides even if he does see Jacob, he can make an excuse about getting ready for class. He lights up and sits in the hall, his back against Kyle’s door. He makes it through half a cigarette before he puts it out in one of the various half filled soda cans that litter the hallway as make shift ashtrays. 

He goes inside and doesn’t lock the door in case Kyle comes home to throw him out. He thinks that he’ll go to California and maybe try to start a life for himself there. College is out of the question, though. He doesn’t want to learn anything else that is going to cause him to feel even more like a piece of shit. He starts toward the bathroom to shower when he notices the condom on the floor. He picks it up and stares at it and everything comes back to him. The feel of everything last night and the smells and sights and sounds. He gasps as a sob gets lodged in his throat and walks into the bathroom. He tosses the condom and pulls off his clothes before stepping into the shower stall. He turns on the water and moans as the water hits him. It’s hot at first, but after some adjustment turns into something almost scalding. Billy doesn’t remember washing his hair or trying to scrub the feel of his own climax off his body. He doesn’t remember shoving soap into his nostrils before blowing out any smell of Jacob. He certainly doesn’t remember sliding down the wall of the shower and wrapping his arms around his knees and sobbing brokenly, but that’s how he was found. 

Grayson had insisted on going with Kyle that morning to see Billy and Kyle didn’t want to argue or get in between this intense friendship any more than he had to. He tests the door and smiles when he finds it unlocked. But that smile fades as the smell of sex assaults him. He looks over at Grayson, who has paled. Grayson frowns. “He… he brought some chick over to fuck because… why? To get rid of the gay?” He runs his hand through his hair. “God, fuck this…”

The sound of a sob breaks through the silence as Kyle fumbles for something to say. They both turn toward the closed bathroom door where they can hear the shower running. Grayson steps forward and only stops when he feels Kyle’s hand on his arm. “Grayson… maybe you shouldn’t…”

“You’re not stopping me.” He pulls carefully away and then goes over to the bathroom. He opens it slowly and backs up quickly as the steam hits. “Shit…” He registers Kyle coming over and he walks in. He moves the shower curtain aside and reaches in, swearing as the water hits him. He practically rips the curtain down to get the water off and then does exactly that as it gets in his way. He drops to his knees and sits there for a moment, taking in Billy’s form. The small burns on his back and legs and arms are frightening enough, but it’s the sobbing that’s catching him off guard the most. “Billy?” He reaches out and touches Billy’s arm. “Billy, what… what happened?” 

Billy leans over and is caught easily by Grayson as he continues to sob. Kyle backs away and finds a towel and a robe. He comes over and leaves them on the toilet lid before slipping quietly out to start stripping the bed. He’s not sure what happened, but he doesn’t want Billy to deal with the smell or the memory. He finds the sheet in the corner and shoves all of it into his laundry bag. He heads down the hall to do his laundry. 

Grayson is thankful that Kyle has given them some privacy and he pushes Billy back up and then cups his face in his hands, his eyes immediately going to Billy’s split lip and the bite marks down the column of his throat that he can see where the skin isn’t red from the hot water. “Billy? Hey… hey, buddy, what’s going on? I need you to talk to me.”

Billy sniffles and shakes his head. “Doesn’t matter. Setting things right…”

“What do you mean?”

“I… I don’t deserve anything special. I never did. I’m making sure that I don’t get anything good. It’s the best I can do. I can’t go back in time. I can’t… but this… this I can do.”

Grayson takes a deep breath. “Billy… _what_ did you do?” Grayson can’t get a word out of Billy and is stumped until Kyle returns and closes the door to the room. He stands in the doorway of the bathroom. “Billy… come on, man. Come out here and warm up. I just talked to Jacob….”

Billy looks up and then looks to the floor as he gets up and puts the robe on. He wraps the towel around the back of his neck and starts to dry his hair a bit before going out. He looks at the bed and then starts to back away again, his hand going to his mouth. 

Kyle watches him and then steps forward. “Mouthwash is under the sink.”

Billy bolts and Grayson looks at Kyle and shakes his head. “What’s going on? Did someone… did someone hurt him?”

Kyle frowns. “That’s up to Billy to tell you.” He motions for Grayson to have a seat on one of the desk chairs and he takes the other, leaving the soft armchair for Billy. 

When Billy comes back out, he seems calmer, but guarded. He sits in the empty chair and then looks at Kyle. “What did he tell you?” 

“Everything once I made him think that I was all sorts of into hearing about his exploits. He didn’t start it. He’s not the type to kiss and tell unless goaded.”

“We didn’t kiss. I wouldn’t let him.”

“Wait wait wait…” Grayson rubs at the area between his brows. “Okay, Jacob is a guy so….”

Billy frowns. “Yeah, and so was Jamie. Jamie got my first kiss. And Jacob… got… I mean he got stuff…”

“Billy… what happened?” Grayson gives up his seat and comes to kneel in front of Billy. 

“Why does it matter? You hate me and I didn’t do this for you. I’m not trying to get back in your good graces. This punishment is for me only.”

Kyle rests his elbows on his knees and moves forward. “This isn’t the way, Billy. You could have hurt more people. How do you think Jacob would feel if he knows how you used him? And this Steve guy? If he’s so nice, how do you think he’d feel to know you did this? How do you think Grayson’s going to feel to know you did this to yourself?”

Billy’s lip trembles and the pain flares again from where he bit it. “I do everything wrong, don’t I?”

Grayson glares at Kyle before turning his attention back to Billy. “No… no, you don’t.” He thumbs gently at Billy’s lip and frowns at the wound there. “Billy, I was coming over here to talk with you and figure things out, but I wasn’t going to make you move out. I care about you. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had and I know that sounds crazy, but it’s true. It isn’t fair of me to ask you to accept me when I’m refusing to do the same. So please… please tell me what happened?”

Billy looks up at Grayson and then squeezes his eyes shut and crumbles. Through hitched breaths and broken sobs, Billy tells Grayson and Kyle everything except what he allowed Jacob to do with his fingers. Kyle is shocked at the level of self-loathing Billy has, but Grayson seems torn between rage and heartbreak. Kyle feels he has to protect his dorm mate. “Grayson, Jacob never would have done anything if he didn’t think Billy was totally into it.”

Grayson nods. “I know. I’m not angry with _him_.” He leans closer to Billy. “Your father is an asshole and you do _not_ deserve this. Nobody does. Billy… your first time doing these things should have been special.”

Kyle cringes at the term ‘first time.’ He hadn’t thought of that and he feels impossibly worse at the implication. He also worries about the rage that Grayson is directing toward Billy’s father and feels a bit of dread at the idea that a father could be awful enough to bring up this much anger in Grayson. “Billy? How… How far did this go? I know what you said and Jacob didn’t give specific details, but…”

Billy looks ashamed and Grayson reaches out to stroke his hair. “Come on… we’re friends, right? You can trust me. I know it doesn’t come easy to you, but please, Billy…”

Billy folds in on himself a bit more. “I didn’t finish so… he blew me and… I wasn’t getting real hard so…he used his fingers…”

Grayson pales. “Oh Billy… Billy, you’ve never…?”

Billy shakes his head. “I didn’t think it would hurt like that. How do you do that?”

Grayson sighs. “Billy, it’s not like that at all… not usually. If you were with someone who knew it was your first time and loved you, it would have been so different.”

Kyle nods. “He’s right, Billy. You have to stop punishing yourself this way, alright? Make sure that any other firsts are something good for you.” 

Billy looks at Kyle and then Grayson. “I’m sorry, Grayson. I really am. I’m calling people today to tell them that I lied. I’m going to make it right.” 

Grayson shakes his head. “You’re doing no such thing. Not today. Tomorrow maybe, but not today. Today you and I are going to spend the day together. You’re going to let me take care of you today and I’m going to introduce you to some people who can help you understand your body a bit better and who can help you navigate sex with another man.” At the look of fear on Billy’s face, he holds up his hands in defense. “No touching! I promise. They’re just an older couple who have been together a long time and I trust them to be honest. They’re amazing and they love helping people out when they’re young since they never knew anyone they could trust when they were that age and had questions.”

Billy finally nods. “Yeah, okay…”

“And when you do call people to tell them, I’m going to be right there with you, alright?”

Billy releases a breath. “Yeah… yeah, okay…”

Grayson grips the back of Billy’s neck and pulls him close so their foreheads are resting against each other. “I’m not going to let you drown in this guilt and self-destruction, Billy. No matter how hard you try to go under.”

Billy almost believes him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Well, not enjoyed but you know what I mean....
> 
> Anyway, the first sensitive part is when a woman and her lover talk about a sexual assault that happened to her and how the police blew them off due to her sexual orientation. Billy feels guilty about this because of what he did to Steve and the false accusations he made. 
> 
> The second sensitive area describes a sexual encounter between Billy and another male character. It is consensual, but Billy is not doing it because he wants to do it, but because he hates himself enough to cheapen the experience for himself because he doesn't think he deserves any better. 
> 
> So, please leave kudos and comments if you'd like, but they're not necessary. I'm actually looking for prompts to help get rid of writer's block when I have it. I don't understand how my tumblr works so feel free to leave them in a comment and I'll try to one-shot it eventually.


	13. Three Months Ago - Billy (Part IV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy makes a decision. He's not a good person, but maybe he's starting to believe he can change that with a lot of work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short! But that's because the lion's share of this month has been about him reaching the decision to DO something about his life instead of just defending himself and trying to make other people happy. This is about him deciding to change the person he is and no longer putting up a good front. He wants to believe what he's saying now. The next month's chapter will be more about his progress. Writing every nuance of his changes would take a lifetime to write so I do skip ahead a little bit, but understand that his redemption is NOT an overnight thing at all. And I'll touch on that throughout.

Billy stares at the phone. His day with Grayson had gone well and they’d both had a lot of tears. It was nice to be vulnerable with someone and he wonders if Steve has found the same support. The time he spent with the older couple Grayson knew was part embarrassing and part amusing, but it had also been incredibly informative and he’s hoping that he can use the information sometime in the future once things settle down. He feels Grayson’s hand on his back between his shoulder blades and hangs his head. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

“Yes, you can, Billy. I’m right here with you. Do you know who you’re calling first?”

Billy nods. “Yeah, I’m calling Max. She’s the one who put Steve’s picture in my duffle so I’m guessing that she hates me the most. And she can give me the numbers for everyone else so it’s practical, too.” 

Grayson smirks. “Yeah, it’s probably a good idea for you to have the numbers.”

Billy takes a few deep breaths and picks up the phone, thankful for the steadying warm weight on his back. After a few rings, Susan answers. 

“Hi Susan… um, it’s Billy. I was hoping to talk to Max.”

There's a long pause and Billy almost thinks she hung up. “Billy, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Billy frowns at how different she sounds. She’s not the happy go lucky person she usually is. It was infuriating most of the time, but this behavior actually worries him. “Susan, it’s important. Please, I will keep it brief.” He soon hears Max yelling in the background. 

“Did you say Billy? Is that him? Give me the phone!” Her voice is soon no longer distant. “Don’t fucking call here again, you ass!” She hangs up. 

Billy frowns. “Okay… that didn’t go like I thought.”

Grayson sighs. “I’ll talk to her… get her to listen.”

Billy stares at Grayson for a moment and then shakes his head. “Jesus, you’re nice. You’re so much like him…”

Grayson doesn’t have to ask who he’s talking about. He gestures for Billy to make the call and then takes the phone once it’s ringing. This time Max picks up. 

“Max? Hey, my name’s Grayson and I'm Billy's roommate. I know that you don’t know me, but please… please talk to Billy. Just listen to him.”

“Why should I?”

“Well… because then you can finally bite his head off.”

Billy’s eyes widen. “Really?”

Grayson shrugs. “You want to talk to her, don’t you? Just take the hit, man.”

Billy rolls his eyes and then nods. 

“Max, will you talk to him? If not, I completely understand.”

Max sighs loudly. “Fine… I guess.”

Billy takes the phone. “Max, hey…”

“Say what you want to say so I can end this and never hear your stupid voice again.”

“Max… I need numbers for your friends. I have to tell them something.”

“No. You don’t get to talk to them. You’ve caused enough trouble for them. And me.”

“Trouble?”

“Don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t care anyway. Do you need anything else or can I hang up?”

“No, wait… I have to tell you about something I did. I want to… confess.” He takes a deep breath. “I lied. About all of it. Steve never indicated he had a crush on me and he _never_ touched me. I made the whole thing up. I didn’t think anyone would take it that seriously and I… I stole his scholarship. I wanted out so bad.” He sees Grayson shake his head in warning. “I mean… I fucked up. It really doesn’t matter what my reasons were. It’s no excuse for what I did. I just wanted you to know so you understand that Steve is still a great guy.”

There is only silence for a little while and then the screaming starts. Billy can barely make out what she’s saying at first and then he realizes that she’s literally just screaming. But then the words start that he knows were inevitable. 

“You _fuck_! You absolute _fuck_! You ruined _everything!_ We already _know_ Steve is a great guy, but nobody would listen. _Nobody!_ None of us can even look at our parents, except for Will and he’s not exactly nominating his mom for mother of the year! Jonathan and Nancy aren’t together anymore and your father… No, Susan, fuck off! I’m telling him!... Your father decided to take shit out on Susan when you left and then when she became a simpering idiot, he… he wants me to be a _lady,_ Billy… And when I don’t fall in line…” She lets her voice trail off into sobbing. “You ruined everything.” 

Billy’s stomach clenches at the implication. “Shit… Max? Did he…Fuck, did he hit you?”

She sighs. “Not often, but often enough. Susan isn’t doing anything about it so fuck her…. Yeah, _fuck_ you, Susan!”

“Max, stop! Your mom is still your mom and she’s hurt by Neal, too. Please don’t take it out on her. Don’t… don’t become like me.”

“She's not my mom anymore. I hate her. And I hate you, too. It's too late. Don’t call here again. I’ll tell the others what you did. If you talk to them at all, you’ll do it face to face.”

“Let me give you my number here. That way any of them… all of them… have the option of calling me to tell me anything they want. Just… Grayson is here, too. If they need to talk to him instead of me, that’s okay. He’s more than willing to take a message if someone doesn’t want to hear my voice.” He rattles off his number and then does it again to make sure that she got it. “Max… I’m sor-“ He frowns and looks at Grayson. “She hung up.”

Grayson nods and is unable to speak for a moment. When he does, his voice is shaky. “Your dad is hitting her?” 

“Yeah, and I can’t let that happen. Maybe I should go back now and… I don’t know… do something.”

“Like what? Kill your dad? Because I’ll pay for the bus tickets. But Billy… do you think that you’ll make it better or worse for her?”

Billy sighs. “Fuck… fuck, I need to get the rest of them on board first. But even if they don’t talk to me, I’m going back for Thanksgiving break. Even if it’s just to warn Neal that I’m going to have to intervene if he lays a hand on her again. That’s two months away, though. Maybe I’ll call Susan later. I’ll tell her that I know. Maybe that will convince her to get Max out of the house more often. Sleepovers or whatever.”

“That’s not a bad idea. At least to minimize what he does to her. But that also might mean that he’ll take it out on his wife. But it’s better than nothing.” Grayson sits down and leans back, closing his eyes against the onslaught of emotions. “Billy… buddy, we have so much work to do.” He opens his eyes and looks at his roommate. “I hate to tell you this… but you’re a monster. At least you were. I don’t know how to help you. Maybe I can’t.”

Billy comes over and kneels in front of Grayson. “Please don’t give up on me. I’m trying so hard. I know you know that. I’ll keep going to the support meetings. I’ll… I’ll volunteer. I’ll go to the park and apologize to everyone. I’ll tell them about Jamie and why I was too weak to fight my dad’s bullshit. I’ll tell them that it’s not an excuse. I’ll _confess_ to all of it.”

“What about the scholarship?”

Billy sits back on his heels. “I don’t know… I guess….” He takes a deep breath. “I should… give it up.”

Grayson’s gaze sharpens. “You’d do that?”

Billy frowns. “I don’t want to. But… I’ve been thinking that maybe…. If I’d talked to Harrington… If we worked together… we could have both gotten one.” He sighs. “And I had fucking amazing grades. I could talk to the bursar and see if there’s an option to switch it over to another type of scholarship. And if not… I’ll find a way to pay for all of it. I’ll… I’ll get a job or maybe two.”

“Or you could keep the scholarship you got.”

Billy smiles sadly. “That is the only option I won’t do.”

“Why not?”

“I’m quitting the team. I’m not going to play basketball when I used the sport to fuck over a teammate. I know you don’t believe it, but I’ve listened to everything you’ve said over the last couple of months and I think I finally get it. Not completely. But I need to do something meaningful to change. Punishing myself with sex doesn’t do anything to help, only to hurt.”

“That’s kind of a jump, Billy. I don’t understand how you managed to get to this point. I’m glad you did because I think it’s a start, but… still a jump.”

“When I was talking to your friends Marv and Leonard about… sex and how my body works? They mentioned that they struggled when they were younger because people didn’t understand being gay. They said they couldn’t even find a therapist to help them with their feelings back then because the idea was that being gay was the worst thing. It’s still considered a mental illness I think, but… they have a friend who is a therapist who actually thinks that homosexuality as a mental illness is total shit so… I got the number and I’m going to start seeing him next week.”

Grayson’s eyes widen. “Wow… I mean wow… that’s kind of cool. It’s better for you maybe to not rely on me so much to be your moral compass.”

Billy snorts out a bit of laughter. “Moral compass? Wow… think highly of yourself, don’t you?”

Grayson rolls his eyes. “Fuck you.”

Billy smiles. “And I also tried to think of Harrington and what he would say is the right thing to do. You’re a lot like him so it wasn’t difficult.”

“I’m really proud of you, Billy. But you know the hard part is just beginning, right? This is going to be a _very_ long road for you.”

Billy nods. “Yeah, I know. I still think I was justified in taking the scholarship and I think that it was… I thought that it was funny to spread that rumor and I still think Steve Harrington is a piece of shit for having it so easy for his whole fucking life, but…” He holds up his hand so he can continue when Grayson attempts to interrupt him. “But… I’m starting to think that I feel that way because something is fucked up with my head… like I’m seeing the world wrong. I’d like to figure out how to see it _right._ But I can’t promise I’m going to change. All I can do is try.”

Grayson leans forward and hugs Billy. “Okay… okay, I’ll take that. It’s… it’s something.”

Billy awkwardly hugs Grayson back, not sure how to take the comfort and encouragement since he knows he fucked up. “Hey… thanks for not giving up on me.”

“Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Sorry it was so short but I really think that's the best place for me to get him to right now. A lot happened to him and now it's time for him to process it.


	14. The Party - In the Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shit hits the fan and Steve is outed as someone who was sexually inappropriate with Billy. The Party reacts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! So... bad news, I have to moderate comments now. I'm really strict about what gets through on my stories. For the first time I had to delete something. Someone decided to be rude (and I can't find their account anywhere so probably a troll) and basically bitched and called the story "torture porn." That actually amused me because FOUR of the tags specifically warn about physical, psychological, and sexual torture AND JUST TORTURE!!! *insert eyeroll here*
> 
> People can shit all over anything I write, but I don't like comments like that because I REFUSE to let people shit all over things that other people read and enjoy. And so... I deleted it and turned on comment moderation. To all of you who criticize in helpful ways. Please continue to do so. I promise I only delete the intended mean ones. 
> 
> As for the story, I have been considering how to work the Party into this from the beginning and others seemed to have an interest in it so early on I decided to address it separately instead of only within Steve and Billy's chapters. Unfortunately, I fell a little in love with this idea. I'm trying to keep the chapters manageable so I can fit it in, but not allow it to totally take over the main parts of the story. Also someone brought up a good point about Steve's chapters and if it will also be split up like Billy's are. The answer is no. It takes a lot longer to build someone up than it does to tear them down so Steve's chapters will continue to be short and not so sweet. I hope that's okay. I didn't mean to make this Billy-centric, but it felt appropriate. Enjoy this chapter. I'm already working on the next one.
> 
> There is a lot of dialogue in this one because I wasn't comfortable getting into their heads too much because I'm way too busy trying to stay in Billy and Steve's heads. :)

Nancy frowns as she’s called to the principal’s office. When she sees her parents there, she starts to panic. “Oh God… is it Mike?”

Her mother shakes her head. “No, honey. We got a call from… from the Harringtons since they knew you and we want to check in on you.” She looks over at the principal and then back at Nancy. “Sit down, Nancy.” 

Nancy shakes her head. “I think I’d rather stand. What’s going on? Is Steve hurt? I just saw him this morning!”

Nancy’s father sits down and watches the two women, not very interested in the meeting in general. 

Karen Wheeler sighs in exasperation at her husband’s attitude. “Honey, I know that you and he were together, but… there’s been an issue.”

“What kind of issue?”

“Well… his parents tell me he’s interested in boys.”

Nancy looks at her mother as if she’s grown a second head. “What are you talking about?”

“He’s been chasing after Billy Hargrove and he… he groped him right here on school grounds!”

The principal speaks up. “ _Attempted_ to grope him.”

Karen waves off the principal. “Same thing.” She grips Nancy’s upper arms. “Did he ever force you to do anything against your will?”

Nancy’s eyes widen. “No! Mom… no. He was always nice to me. He treated me well. We had some arguments, but nothing serious.” She pulls away from her mother. “And there’s no way he would… I mean… Billy Hargrove?”

“Clearly he’s gay.” 

“He’s not gay. I promise.” She frowns. “But… I mean what if he is? Who really cares? He was good to me, mom.”

“And this thing with Billy?”

Nancy rolls her eyes. “Billy’s a dick” She thinks about it. “But… I mean Steve is… he’s sweet and…uh… kind of needy? And if Billy was leading him on, Steve could have misinterpreted something. If anything happened, Steve was probably just being affectionate and I would guess that Billy was the one taking advantage, not the other way around.”

“ _Affectionate?_ No, absolutely not.” She stands up straighter. “You are not to have anything to do with that boy.”

“But mom! I-“

“No! Nothing. And you will make sure your brother is not around him, either. If I find out that he’s anywhere near you two, I will bring it to the attention of the police.”

“For what?” Nancy is stunned at her mother’s response.

“For being a pervert! I’m sure there’s something that can be done to keep our children safe. Now… go back to class, but you make sure that you have nothing to do with Steve Harrington.” She motions to her husband and nods at the principal. “Thank you for allowing us to speak with her before she heard about it from someone else.” The two of them head out, leaving a shocked Nancy in the office.

She looks at the principal. “You can’t believe this…”

The principal frowns. “I know Mr. Hargrove is difficult, but what reason would he have to lie about this. It embarrasses him, too, and there are far easier ways to humiliate someone than this. I’ve already met with the parties involved, Miss Wheeler, and Mr. Harrington didn’t defend his actions.”

Nancy shakes her head in disbelief and walks out. 

When she finds Jonathan, he’s already heard and has been looking for her. He wraps her up in his arms immediately. “I have to tell you something. It’s about Steve.”

She shakes her head. “I already know. I can’t believe it.”

“Me, either. We need to find out what’s really going on.”

She frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that there has to be a reason Billy said this and we have to find out so Steve can reclaim his life.”

Nancy steps back. “Okay, wait… Wait, you’re usually the logical one. Shouldn’t we find out _if_ it’s true?”

“But it’s not.”

She sighs. “Jonathan, we can’t just assume that-“

“I’m not assuming. Have you even been around for the last year or so? The person Steve is could never do anything like this!” He runs a hand through his hair. “I can’t find Steve anywhere. I’m guessing he left school for the day. I need to get home and talk to my mom and we have to talk to Hopper. Steve’s gonna need all of us right now.”

Nancy considers it for a moment. “Yeah, absolutely. But my mom and dad don’t want Mike or I anywhere near him. This soon after they found out, they’re not going to let me go anywhere.”

“Um… I’ll bring Will over to your place to hang with Mike. I can pick up the others, too.”

She nods. “Okay… okay, I think my mom will be okay with that.” 

Jonathan gives her a quick kiss and takes off for his last class, trying to ignore the concern that is in the back of his mind about the girl he loves. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

“What are you _talking_ about?” Joyce paces as she smokes a cigarette, her hands shaking. 

Jonathan sits on the couch with Will and watches her. “Seriously, I’m not sure what’s going on.”

“He wouldn’t do this, mom.”

She stops and sits on the coffee table so she can look Will in the eyes. “I know that, baby. I know. But I’m not sure how to help him.”

“Mom, I told Nancy that maybe I could get all the kids together over at Mike’s. Are you okay with Will going over there?”

“Of course I am. But don’t get into an argument with Nancy’s parents. We need to keep the kids together. They’re going to be the biggest support system that he can have right now.” 

Jonathan frowns. “Yeah… well, we’ll see. Nancy isn’t overly supportive right now. She’s not being cruel or anything, but she’s not 100 percent certain that some of this isn’t true.”

Joyce’s eyes widen. “Seriously? She was here when Steve was fighting alongside us to save Will. I remember how much work he put into altering the shed. He was amazing. And he kept the kids safe.”

Will nods. “I wasn’t there, but Max said that when the demodogs attacked at the junkyard, he was the one outside waiting for them. And when they got to be too many, he was the one who pushed the others behind him and was ready to face them alone.”

Jonathan shakes his head. “See? Steve would do _that_ , but not this thing with Billy Hargrove.”

“I’m going to call Hopper. See if Jane can help.”

Jonathan agrees and then tells Will to get ready so they can leave. Within a few minutes, Will is running out and holding his walkie. “Mike says his parents are fine with us coming over. Like… for support?”

Jonathan rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s go.”

As they leave, Joyce picks up the phone and calls Hopper. She asks him about Steve and the law officer doesn’t give her much hope. “I don’t know what to do. I know that this kid is lying, but he’s not pressing charges so… I don’t have a lot to do with it. I’ve told my men and anyone I run into that I looked into it and it’s not true, but people believe what they want.”

“You looked into it? Really?”

“No, not really. I don’t need to. I know it’s not true. But it is keeping me busy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Karen Wheeler has been putting up flyers outing Steve as some sort of monster. I just keep finding them and taking them down, but that woman must have a team of people helping her because I keep seeing them.”

“Oh God, Hopper… have you talked to Steve?”

“Nope. His father won’t let me near him. I might stake out the school the next few days, but I have a feeling this kid is going to shut down and not hear anything I say.”

“If you do talk to him, tell him we all love him and we know it’s not true.”

“I will.”

“Can Jane help at all?”

He sighs. “No, she says she can try to comfort Steve, but she’s not really sure how he’ll feel about it. She’s learning to ask permission and that usually means that I can’t get her to do jack shit now. But I’ll talk to her again.”

Joyce speaks to him a few more minutes and then quietly hangs up the phone and sits down on the couch. She looks at the wall that the monster came out of and that Steve Harrington had fought, side by side with her eldest son. She drops her head and covers her face with her hands and sobs. Who knew that the human monsters would be the ones to ruin Steve’s life.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin stares at his mother wide eyed. “Whoa… what did you just say?”

His mother holds out a piece of paper. “Karen Wheeler brought this by. She’s putting them up around town, but she wanted to personally let me know because of your friendship with Steve.”

Dustin snatches the paper and reads the flyer explaining that Steve is a sexual deviant and to “please be mindful of your children.” He looks up at his mom. “This is bullshit! Steve would _never_ hurt anyone! Never!”

“Dustin, honey… I know you don’t want to believe that, but I just can’t take any chances. I’m protecting you and Steve technically.”

“How the hell does _this_ protect Steve?” He crumples up the flyer and throws it at her feet. 

She sighs. “If he’s not around kids, nobody can accuse him of doing anything else.”

“That’s the stupidest argument I’ve ever heard.” He walks into his room and slams the door. He’s just about to sneak out of his room to go find Steve when his radio crackles to life. He listens as Will tells him about meeting up and agrees to do so. He stomps out of his room and barely spares his mother a glance. “I’m going to Mike’s.”

“Dustin, I-“

Dustin holds up his hand and looks at her, tears starting to fall freely. “Just… fuck you.” He leaves, ignoring her yells for him to come back. 

He grabs his bike and heads off, fuming at his mother the whole way. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max points at Billy accusingly and looks at her mother. “He’s a _liar_! You can’t actually believe him!”

Susan wrings her hands together. “Honey, please… don’t be mad. Neal and I feel that-“

“ _Fuck_ Neal! He’s not my father and I don’t have to listen to him! I’m Steve’s friend and I _hate_ Billy!”

Billy crosses his arms and leans against the cabinets, enjoying the fight. 

Susan looks up as the door opens. “Please Maxine, don’t start anything.”

Billy stands up straight, always dreading when his father walks in the door. 

Neal frowns as he comes into the kitchen. “I could hear yelling from outside. What’s going on here?” He glares at Billy, who holds up his hands. 

“I didn’t say a word.”

“Neal, Maxine is upset about this thing with Steve Harrington and Billy.”

Neal glares at Billy again. “Yes, we will have a talk about that later.” He turns back to Max. “As for you, young lady, your mother and I have decided you will not have anything to do with this Harrington boy. That’s final.”

Max balls her hands into fists, but knows there is no point in arguing. She stomps into the bedroom and slams the door. 

Neal glances over at Billy. “Let’s go have a talk, shall we?”

Billy hangs his head and follows his father outside. 

Max listens to the conversation on the walkie between her friends and makes plans with the others to meet up. She is soon sliding out of her window with her skateboard. She takes off and only pauses for a moment to flip the bird to her house. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Lucas frowns, but doesn’t argue as his parents explain to him that they aren’t keeping him away from Steve because they don’t trust him. They’re keeping him away because they don’t even _know_ him. Lucas tries to explain that Steve saved him, but they think he’s being overly dramatic. 

Lucas shifts his weight a few times as he tries to figure out what to do to make this right. “Steve can… I mean maybe we can have Steve over for dinner. Then you’ll see that this stuff is all a lie. He would never hurt anyone.”

His dad shakes his head. “I heard he was the one who vandalized the theater in town, right?”

“That was a long time ago! He’s different now!”

“He called that poor Wheeler girl terrible things,” Lucas’ mom reminds him. 

“She started that and she knows it. She’s apologized to him for it, too. You can’t hold that against him and anyway, spray painting something doesn’t mean that he’s some sort of child molester.”

Mrs. Sinclair rolls her eyes. “We’re done discussing this. Our decision is final.”

“You won’t even _listen!_ ” He grabs his backpack. 

His dad frowns. “Where are you going?”

“To Mike’s house! To get away from you.” 

They gladly let him go to Mike’s house so they don’t have to deal with his attitude anymore. But Erica makes sure they have a less than comfortable evening with her cold shoulder practically freezing them out of the house. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Mike waits downstairs for the others. He is grateful that his parents allowed it, but then again, his mother was treating them all as if they’re some sort of victims. He glances over at Nancy, who has been quieter than usual today. “What’s wrong with you?”

She frowns. “What do you mean? There’s a lot going on.”

He shrugs. “Not really.”

Her eyes widen. “What do you mean ‘not really?’”

“I mean…” He gets up and starts setting up more things on the table for his friends. “Billy told a lie. Steve is getting picked on because stupid people believe it. Steve shouldn’t be around stupid people anyway, so he’ll be fine. The people who matter don’t believe anything Billy says.”

Nancy squirms uncomfortably in her seat. “I guess…”

Mike stops what he’s doing and studies her. “You know Billy’s lying, right?”

“I know Billy Hargrove lies, yes. I know that people who are gay don’t bother me at all.”

“Okay, but if Steve is gay, how would Billy know? I doubt Steve is going to tell him something like that. It’s private.”

“Maybe….” She looks down, unable to meet his eyes and says something soft and difficult to make out. 

“What did you say?”

She sighs. “I said that maybe he showed him instead. Maybe Billy lies, but maybe not about this.” She stands up and starts to pace and raise her voice. “Maybe Steve has had a thing for him for awhile now. Maybe that’s why we stopped working well together. Maybe Steve is so fucking needy that he was desperate for some physical affection and he tried to get with Billy. Or maybe… maybe he told Billy he cared because he thought Billy did, too, and when he was rejected he just… lashed out.” 

She looks up at Mike and he definitely has a shocked look on his face, but he’s also looking over her shoulder. She turns and sees Will and Lucas looking uncomfortable, Dustin looking pissed, Max looking at her as if she’s something that the girl found on the bottom of her shoe, and Jonathan… sweet Jonathan… looking hurt and betrayed. 

She takes a step toward them. “I didn’t mean-“

Dustin interrupts. “No! We heard you loud and clear. You’re not welcome to do anything with the Party. Go away.”

She glances around at the others and then settles on being firm. She purses her lips together. “You can’t tell me to go away in my own house.” She startles at the soft voice behind her. 

“Go away.”

She turns and looks at her younger brother, who is looking down at the floor, clearly heartbroken and disappointed. “Don’t, Mike. You barely like the guy.”

Mike shrugs, his voice low and cold. “I don’t know him as well as some. But I’m backing him. You were supposed to love him. What’s that say about you?”

She takes a step back as if she’s been physically hit. She balls up her fists by her side and wills herself not to cry, but it’s no use. She starts to sob and pushes past everyone to race up the stairs and to her room. 

Jonathan walks over to Mike and pats him on the shoulder. “I’m going to go talk to her. I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

Mike looks up at him. “Then maybe you don’t know her as well as you think.” He gestures for the others to sit with him while Jonathan leaves. 

Nobody says anything for awhile until Dustin speaks up. “So what are we gonna do?”

Lucas frowns. “I don’t know if there is anything we _can_ do.”

“There has to be something.” Will looks down at the floor as if it’s going to give him the answers.

Max sighs. “We could kill Billy.”

Mike arches an eyebrow. “Yeah, cuz that won’t look suspicious at all.”

“Who cares whether it does or not? Let’s do it anyway.” Dustin pops open his soda and leans back. "Steve's been so upset anyway, ever since he wasn't able to play basketball in that last game. I still think Billy had something to do with that."

Lucas nods. "Yeah, I don't believe that Steve got hit by a car on his way home. He drives too much _and_ I think Hopper would have mentioned it." He smirks. “As for Billy...I’m really good with a slingshot. I can get him right between the eyes.” 

“Like David and Goliath?” Will smiles. 

Lucas grins. “Something like that.”

Dustin shakes his head. “Like Steve will ever let us kill someone. He wouldn't even tell us who supposedly hit him. Just said it was an old lady backing out of a parking space. I call bullshit.” He frowns. "Bad choice of words." 

The room goes quiet as their thoughts are suddenly pulled toward Steve again. 

Will brings his knees up and wraps his arms around them. “This feels like a nightmare.”

“Whatever we’re feeling, Steve’s feeling worse.” Max sighs heavily. “I hate Billy so much. I didn’t even know if you guys would want to see me.”

“Of course we want to see you.” Lucas takes her hand. “It’s not your fault.”

Dustin looks over at the two of them for only a second and then re-focuses. “Maybe we can go out and take the flyers down. That would help.”

Mike frowns. “What flyers?”

“Uh, the flyers your bitch of a mom is putting up around town. She gave my mom one. It has a picture of Steve and says some dumb shit about keeping children safe.”

Mike’s mouth drops open. “What?” He gets up to go upstairs, but his hand is grabbed by Will. “Let me go.”

“No… not now. She’ll throw us all out.”

Dustin stands in front of Mike. “He’s right. We can’t be apart now. We have to stay together so we can fight for Steve.”

Mike nods. “Fine.” He’s clearly not happy, but he sits down. “Between my mom and my sister, Steve isn’t going to trust me anyway.”

Max shakes her head. “You guys aren’t turning your backs on _me_ because of Billy and I can’t believe Steve will, either. And if Steve can trust me, he can trust you. We’ll make this right.”

Dustin sighs. “I don’t think anything can make this right. Steve has to live with this. Even if we manage to prove it’s a lie, there are people who believed it. How does he forgive any of them?”

They sit there in silence for awhile, each with their own thoughts about what a Steve who doesn’t trust would even look like. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Nancy wipes her eyes when she hears the soft knock on the door. “What is it?”

Jonathan opens the door and peeks his head in. “Can I come in?”

She shrugs. “I guess, if you even want to see me.”

He sighs and comes in, sitting beside her on the bed. “Of course I want to see you.” He wraps an arm around her shoulders and pulls her to him. 

Nancy curls into him and cries. “Everyone hates me.”

Jonathan kisses the top of her head. “They don’t hate you. They’re just really upset right now and they’re worried about Steve.”

“And I’m not?” She sits up and wipes her eyes again. “And what about me? Do you have any idea what people are going to say about me? I dated him for a long time, Jonathan. God… I can already hear them saying stupid things about me and him and… how I wasn’t enough for him.”

Jonathan sits in silence for a moment and takes a few deep breaths. He reminds himself that she’s in shock and not really thinking. “I’m sure that people will be too busy talking about Steve to really focus on you. It’ll be okay. And I’ll be there to straighten anyone out who even looks at you funny.” 

She smiles gently at him and then comes over and kisses him softly. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

He pulls her to him. “I feel the same way. For now, let’s just try to support Steve, okay? And the kids. They’re really worked up. Mike is just upset. He didn’t mean those things he said to you.”

She nods. “He just doesn’t understand how complicated things are. He’s still so young. When he gets into high school… he’ll see how delicate the social balance is. I was nobody before I met Steve and now… because I was with him, I’m somebody.” She smiles. “And now you’re somebody, too. The rest of this year can be anything we want it to be. I just don’t want anything to get in the way of that.”

Jonathan again tells himself that she’s in shock, that this isn’t the same girl he fell in love with. But then he thinks about what Mike said and there is a pull at the back of his mind, telling him to dig deeper. He ignores it, though, and kisses her deeply. He’s going to enjoy being with her. It’s what he wanted for so long and he’s not giving up on that now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! Trying to keep everything in order sometimes throws me off so if you see something wrong with continuity, please let me know. I can't promise that I won't write notes down incorrectly once in awhile. Next chapter will show how things go from the day they find out the news to the moment that Max talks to Billy. She references things about the Party that will be further explained. Thanks for sticking with me! Kudos and comments are appreciated, but not needed. As long as you're enjoying it, that's enough for me. :)


	15. The Party - Downward Spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Party continues to deal with the fallout from Billy's lie and the motive for at least one person's actions will be revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know if you see glaring errors. It took a lot of little moments of writing to get this in how I wanted and then I had to change a lot of things throughout because that's just how I am. I change one thing and it changes a lot of other things. So... again please let me know if I put something in there that makes you go, huh? Hopefully I caught everything as I made changes. I didn't get overly detailed about some things because nothing is really changing there. Nancy and Jonathan needed some exploration, as did Max, but the others not so much. And I thought I'd throw in some more information about Steve and who he is as a person that not everybody got a chance to see.

Will runs into the house, Jonathan hot on his heels. “Mom!”

Joyce comes out from the bedroom, her eyes wide. “What? Oh, honey… what is it? Are you okay?”

“Jonathan said that Steve isn’t picking me up from school anymore!”

Joyce frowns. “Honey… I spoke with him and his mother today. I explained that it might not be a good idea. The things people are saying-“

“-are lies!”

“I know that.”

Jonathan puts a hand on Will’s shoulder. “Let’s let mom talk, okay?” He frowns. 

Joyce sighs. She knows that Jonathan is as upset as she is. “Honey, you have had a black eye or a split lip every day for the past week. And you and I both know it’s because you’re spending time with Steve. The principal told me that you start these fights because kids are saying that you’re letting Steve touch you.”

“But he’s not! He’s my friend and I’m the only one he gets to see!”

“Baby…” Joyce starts crying. “I called to tell Steve what was going on and that we might have to keep things quiet and private and… Will, you were telling him things that weren’t true. He had no clue you were getting into fights defending him. He was heartbroken that you were hurt and he said he didn’t want that to happen anymore because of him. I guess he handed the phone off because then I was talking to his mom and I told her that he can come over and spend as much time with you as he wants. I’m sure he’ll be over soon.”

Will shakes his head. “No… no, he won’t. I lied to him. Friends don’t lie.” He runs off and slams his door. 

She looks at Jonathan. “I’m an idiot.”

He hugs her. “No, you’re not. Steve knows that you’re just trying to keep everyone safe.”

She nods. “Jonathan, can you please… just please try and look out for him if you can? He needs us and you and Nancy are really the only ones he has access to in public anymore.”

“Yeah, mom. Sure.” He looks past her to Will’s room and hopes that the emotional upheaval in the house ends sooner rather than later. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max pulls away from her mother as the woman tries to do her hair again. “Mom, stop! It’s fine.”

“Honey, this is a big day for this family. Billy is graduating and-“

“And _what_?” She runs her fingers through her hair, undoing anything her mother could have done. “The only good thing about today is that we finally get to see Steve and let him know how much we love him.”

Neal walks in at that point. “You will _not_ be seeing that disgrace today. I spoke with his father and we both agree that this day shouldn’t be… tainted.”

“What? But we all thought… we can’t get near him! He doesn’t even know how much we-“ She growls low in her throat. “Billy is a monster…”

Neal’s eyes narrow. “Enough, Maxine! You will go to the graduation and you will be respectful of this occasion.”

“Or what? You’ll hit me like you hit Billy?”

Susan’s eyes widen comically and she rushes to push Max into her room. “We still have time to fix your hair!”

Neal is about to follow when Billy opens his door and steps out in his dress pants and shirt. He is just finishing up with the tie that his father insisted he wear. He stops when he sees his father. “Hello, sir.” He closes the door behind him gently. 

Neal comes up to him and looks him over. He brushes something off of Billy’s shoulder and then frowns at his hair. “You should have cut that off before today. There’s no time for it now.” He straightens the tie and tightens it a bit too much. “You’ve done well. The community seems to have forgotten about you being a faggot with that Harrington boy. You getting the scholarship was part of it, but today… today you will make everyone take notice of the Hargrove family and remind them that we are better than others. Certainly much better than the Harringtons.”

Billy stays still, not complaining at all. He’s got his bags packed and hidden in his closet. He’s planning to sneak out when the family heads over to the graduation lunch. By the time they realize that he’s not mingling, but just straight up not there, he’ll be long gone. His car is already stored, but Rebecca is going to be right where he needs her to be so he can hide out at her place for the summer. 

It works out almost like Billy thinks it will, but he doesn’t count on Max having her own plan. Max hates the idea of going to the graduation. She shares looks with Mike throughout, knowing that he’s as frustrated as she is that Steve isn’t here. She watches as Mrs. Byers looks around, clearly hoping to see Steve, but failing to find him. Will sits next to her, sadder than she’s seen him in a long time. She knows that Will was the last person Steve had contact with before that was taken from him, too. She’s pretty sure Jonathan doesn’t look overly happy, either. Mike had mentioned to her a few days prior that Jonathan had no intention of going to graduation, but Nancy had insisted and he finally agreed so that Will can be here with Max and Mike to see Steve again. Dustin and Lucas weren’t able to convince their parents to let them go and Hopper didn’t want Jane out in a large crowd. So she sits and tries not to fidget.

She sighs and settles back, ignoring Neal’s whisper to sit up straight “like a lady.” She ponders the fact that he never tells her what to do usually and half worries that she’s going to take Billy’s place as the scapegoat in the home. She shakes her head at the thought. _You have to be innocent to be a scapegoat, and Billy is anything but innocent._

She looks over at Mike again as Nancy walks across the stage. He’s not looking at all, but his mom and dad are. His dad is clapping politely and her mom is clapping loudly and seems to be looking around as if to make sure people notice her. Nancy is beaming, proud of herself and her accomplishments. Max tries not to resent her. She tries not to feel anger toward her for being up on the stage when Steve’s not, but it’s impossible to hold it back. She looks down, then, staring at her feet in the hopes that she can zone out until the end of the ceremony. 

She shuts out the sounds around her and starts listening to the music in her mind, something dumb that she thinks up in the moment. She’s not even sure it’s actually a song and it isn’t more than 15 minutes before the sounds around her start to clash. She looks up and realizes the ceremony is over and the music is the recessional. She stands up before it’s over and then stretches as if she’s got a reason for standing up quickly other than boredom. She stands with the others for the pictures that her mother insists she stay still for. Max glares at the camera as if it’s her nemesis and hopes that she fucks up the pictures for the others, and especially Billy, but why he would want any memories of this day is beyond her. She tells her mother some bullshit about going to see Mike and Will and then she sprints away from everything. 

She runs until her lungs burn and her legs ache. She grips her side tightly as pain stabs through her from the hard running. She knows that if she slows down and catches her breath, the pain will ease and disappear, but she’s not about to stop. She knows where Steve’s house is. She has to get to him and has to tell him that they all care and they all know that it’s a lie. It isn’t until she’s on her knees in the dirt on the side of the road that she notices she’s crying, watching the tears splatter and kick up dust. She wipes her hand across her face, not caring that it’s as dirty as the road. 

The soft hand on her shoulder startles her and she looks up into the face of Hopper. She launches herself at him and sobs. For all his awkwardness, he’s a damn good hugger and she finds solace in that. She’s pretty sure they stay that way for far longer than he’s comfortable with, but she can’t bring herself to care. Eventually, she has mercy on him and steps back. “Sorry.”

“Where are you going?” He says it like he already knows the answer and he most likely does, she thinks. 

She looks up at him, defiant. The look on his face gives away the fact that he’s not intimidated by her bad ass attitude. “I’m just taking a walk.”

He arches an eyebrow. 

“A long walk.”

He crosses his arms over his chest. 

She rolls her eyes. “Fine! I was going to see Steve.”

He gestures to his truck. “Get in.”

She smiles in gratitude and jumps in. It takes a full minute before she realizes he’s not taking her to Steve’s home. “Hey, what gives?”

Hopper frowns. “Taking you home. I’d take you to Harrington’s home if I could, but… I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I went over there today. His mother refused to let me in. Said that I could come back tomorrow, though. Apparently he’s having a rough time today because he’s not at the graduation ceremony. I gotta respect that, especially since I can finally see him tomorrow.”

“Can I come?”

He shakes his head. “I’m lucky that his parents are letting _me_ see him. Let’s not spook them, okay?”

Max slouches in her seat. “Okay.” She looks out the window and tries not to be too disappointed. As she gets home, she looks at the empty house and then at Hopper. “You’ll tell him we don’t believe any of it, right?”

Hopper looks at her for a moment and then nods once, his voice gruff. “Yeah… yeah, kid. I’ll tell him.” He looks straight ahead as she gets out and runs up to the house and around the side. 

Hopper shakes his head as he pulls away, knowing she’ll probably sneak in. He doesn’t really feel like telling her parents that she’s home safe. Maybe they can suffer a little and maybe Hopper won’t feel a bit of guilt about it. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max pulls herself inside and goes into Billy’s room, determined to find something she can use against him. What she finds is a much neater room than he’s had before. She turns around once in the space, trying to determine why it looks so different. But the big picture wasn’t making sense so she focused in on the little things. The picture of him and his mom that is usually stuck in his mirror is gone. His favorite cologne isn’t sitting on the side table. The messy pile of cassettes on his bookshelf aren’t just straightened up. They weren’t there at all. 

She pulls open the drawers and finds them mostly empty. She feels around the edges and feels a small piece of paper sticking out. She pulls at it and it drops onto the floor. She looks at the small envelope and turns it over in her hands before pulling open the flap. She stares at a picture of Billy’s Camaro. She sighs, recognizing it as a picture he took when he first got it. He said he was going to send it to someone, but then he must never have gotten around to it. Maybe because it had been lost in this room all this time. She drops it on the top of his dresser and then opens the closet. She stares at the packed bags and takes in a harsh breath. “You asshole…” She yanks the bags out of the closet and opens one, ready to dump everything out on the floor so his getaway isn’t quite as easy as he hopes. 

But then the picture of the Camaro catches her eye again and she carefully sets the bag down and zips it back up. Maybe this isn’t the way. His dad beats him into submission all the time and yet here she is standing in the middle of Billy’s last large act of defiance. Anger and hatred didn’t seem to work on Billy. She walks over to the picture and picks it up. She glances back at the bag and then goes over and unzips a side pocket. “A reminder that you _do_ know how to care about something more than yourself.”

She looks around and then rushes into her mother’s room. She shuffles through the papers until she finds the copies of her school pictures. She picks one out and is grateful she doesn’t look fake and perfect. She’s pretty sure she was glaring at the photographer for telling her to “smile like a pretty princess” when he took the shot. It was one of the most real school photos she’s ever seen. She runs into her room then, not sure how much time she’s got left. She had been at the house, helping Jonathan and Nancy look through yearbook photos a couple of months ago and there was one….

She grabs it from a box under her bed and looks at it. Steve Harrington, relaxing on the bleachers. She feels the tear on her cheek and doesn’t bother wiping it away. It was stupid and lasted for maybe a week. Her first crush. She remembers Steve catching her taking the photo from the pile Jonathan had set aside for the yearbook publication. She remembers that she didn’t know what to say. But when Steve had gotten her backpack and placed it in there himself, mentioning how it was important not to bend photographs, she wasn’t sure what was happening. 

And then he’d leaned in and kissed the top of her head and told her that it sucked that he was one of many guys who would never be good enough for her and he hoped she would keep the picture and think about him once in awhile. By the time she left that night, she felt certain that she and Steve would never be together, but that _he_ was the one who had his dreams crushed. And she also felt pretty powerful as a young woman who has the ability to pick and choose when and if she feels like being involved with someone. It was a gift that she knows she wouldn’t have gotten from anyone else in her life. He took the time to make sure that she didn’t get her heart broken and that is still _everything_ to her. Not to mention that she actually felt _precious_ in a man’s eyes. It did a lot to boost her self-esteem. 

She kisses the corner of the photo softly and then takes all of the pictures and puts them into the pocket of one of Billy’s bags. She starts to whisper to herself and wishes that Billy would walk in the door so she can say it to his face. “Maybe you’ll remember… you love your stupid car. But your car won’t ever love you. _I_ could have loved you. I’m fucking amazing and I could have been your sister. And Steve… Steve is the best person I know. And he could have been your best friend. And you could have had everything. But hey… you have your car, right?” She sits on the floor, sobbing brokenly now. She hates Billy, but she’s hit by the loss of it all. She misses her dad. She thought she’d get two fathers, but Neal was an asshole. Then she comforted herself because she still had her dad and was getting a big brother, too, who would give guys the shovel talk and brag about her to his friends and punch anyone who dared to look at her sideways. And someone… someone who would go skateboarding with her and teach her how to drive and….”

Max wipes her tears. That’s gone now. Her family is shit and she had to search out a bunch of friends to feel loved. And one of those friends was Steve Harrington. After the crush debacle, she was able to clearly see that he is the big brother she’s always wanted. He was the person who made everything better and who made her really believe that everything was going to be okay. But he’s gone. All of it is gone. Demogorgons don’t seem very scary when your own personal reality is a nightmare. She stands, puts the bags back where she found them and goes to her room. She closes the door and stares at it for a few minutes before hearing Billy come into the house. She listens as he moves around the room and then finally leaves for good. 

She looks out of her window and makes sure he can’t see her watching him. Before he’s out of her sight completely, she whispers one final message. “Go to Hell.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max sits in her room and stares at her door. She knows that Neal is gone right now, but she waits anyway. Ever since the graduation, she’s started to watch and listen more. She doesn’t like Billy any more than she did before and she doesn’t pity him. But she _understands_ him. When Neal broke her mother’s knick-knacks by shoving a bookshelf onto the floor when he came home that day to find Billy gone, she began to watch. When she heard the slap coming from the kitchen a week later after her mother failed to have dinner ready on time, she began to listen. And the first time he’d accused her of being like Billy, ungrateful and irresponsible, right before he slammed her against the wall and punched the wall next to her head, she became laser-focused on everything around her for signs of escape and signs of oncoming danger. 

She began to call him “Sir.” She started to watch the clock more when she was out. She started having more anxiety when he would drink. None of this could have hardened her, but it was her mother who left her feeling hollowed out inside. She would look at her mother, pleading with her to do _something_ and every time Susan would gently ask Neal to calm down. But Neal only got more angry, only defended his actions to her until she shutup. And when Neal would be on his way home or seem agitated, Susan pulled her aside and told her not to make him angry. As if Max getting hit was _Max’s_ fault. 

She’s not quite as quick to go when her friends ask her to spend time with them. When they ask her if she’s alright, she sneers and asks them, “Compared to _what_?” They all know something is wrong, but they have learned to stop asking because she’s not a shrinking violet and she will let them know if she wants to do something to end her situation. But she won’t. Although she wants it to stop, her anger has become a comfort. It’s become power and she’s not willing to let it go. Neal’s behavior fuels it and she thinks about Steve. Thinks about what he taught her, that she has power. So she’s using it. Neal thinks he’s in control, but she’s the one who uses him to get more and more enraged and she knows that she’s going to lash out one day. She won’t be like Billy. Won’t go slinking away like a coward. She’ll face Neal and Susan when she leaves. She’ll tell them exactly what pieces of shit they are. And she’ll love the looks on their faces when they find out that she’s been the one with the power and control the whole time. 

Her tongue darts out to touch the split lip she managed to get earlier in the day. She’s grateful for the summer, for the lack of supervision from worried teachers. She can take harder hits and Neal knows it. And it only fuels her more. She smiles at the door when she hears Neal get home. She’s ready for him. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Lucas, Dustin, and Mike spend most of their time together until Dustin heads off for camp, grateful to get away from his mother and the friends who only ever seem to be angry anymore. Then Lucas and Mike take off on their bikes a lot and spend time with Will at his house where they have dinners with the Byers and Hopper and El. Things are easier there. Nancy doesn’t go over that often as she’s too busy reading suggestions sent by the university for the summer. Jonathan doesn’t seem to mind that much. 

Joyce and Hopper continuously try to encourage the boys that their parents love them and while they may completely disagree with how they’re handling things, they are trying to see that their intent is to protect their children. The message never gets through and Hopper isn’t surprised or even disappointed. These are good kids and they know _wrong_ when they see it. He struggled not to trash talk everyone involved when he went to the Harringtons to see Steve only to be told that he left on a flight first thing that morning. There are too many secrets and it's making him nervous. 

He’s stopped asking about Max. He’s seen her once or twice. Will had mentioned she was injured once and he tried to check in with her, but she seemed to avoid him. And Lucas told him that she’s clumsy and her skateboard is not her best friend sometimes. The boys always share a look when she comes up in conversation and Hopper gets more and more worried. But he also knows situations like this and he knows that if he goes over to the Hargrove house and pitches a fit, things will get worse for Max and the family may pick up and leave. And then nobody will be there to help her when she determines the time is right. So he reminds the boys constantly that he’s in their corner and waits. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Nancy and Jonathan aren’t really the party types. At least they didn’t used to be. But lately, Nancy has been itching to get out. Something about getting herself out there so people don’t forget that she’s going to do great things and that she isn’t the same person as her mother. Jonathan reluctantly goes along, only after his mother asks him to be there for Nancy. Joyce seems to think that Karen is forcing Nancy to stay quiet about her support for Steve. Jonathan knows better, but can’t stand to break his mother’s heart. After all, Joyce tends to think the best of everyone. She’d be devastated to learn that the girl her son was in love with was really pretty shallow as of late. 

Party after party doesn’t change anything. Jonathan follows Nancy around and gets her a drink once in awhile and holds her up sometimes when she drinks too much. And when she’s in a really good mood, he caresses her in one of the spare bedrooms and kisses her breathless. Then she begs him to take her somewhere private and he makes love to her like she hasn’t hurt people the way she claimed she was hurt. 

He remembers her confessing how Steve was attempting to keep up appearances when she couldn’t. He remembers her saying how Steve was out of touch and didn’t understand something so important as Barb’s death. He remembers her talking about how she was hurting and all Steve did was try to calm her down and how she finally told him her feelings. About how he was bullshit. About how their love was bullshit. He’s waiting to hear more. He knows it’s there. He can feel it under the surface of their relationship. She’s holding onto something ugly and he’s terrified to hear it and to have light shed on the woman he’s trying to love. 

It’s the end of July when everything finally unravels. Jonathan is accompanying Nancy to yet another party, one of the last before people will start to change the theme of their parties to pre-school year parties rather than post-school year parties. 

He usually stays quiet and doesn’t notice many other people around him, but this time he can’t help it. This time he hears someone yelling quite loudly and happily. He looks up just as Billy Hargrove raises his glass along with most of the basketball team. Tommy is present and being as obnoxious as usual. 

“Let’s hear it for Billy Hargrove, first and only recipient of the Harrington Scholarship!” He leads the team in whistles and hoots and slaps Billy hard on the back of his shoulder. Jonathan notices that he doesn’t wince as he has in the past. Then again, this is the first time he’s seen Billy in nearly two months. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” He stands. 

Nancy turns toward him. “Jonathan? What is it?” She follows him, worried that something is wrong with how fast he’s moving. When they finally stop, she is in the middle of the basketball team and Billy Hargrove of all people is standing in front of them. She touches her boyfriend’s arm gently. “Jonathan… come on…”

Billy smiles at the other boy. “Hey Byers, I see you still have your shadow with you.” He nods in mock respect to Nancy. 

Jonathan scoffs. “I don’t care what anyone says, Hargrove. You’re full of shit. School is over now. Don’t you think it’s finally time to set things right with Steve? You know that he never did anything to you. Fuck, nobody even saw you two together by the back of the school. I know you made up the whole thing.”

Jonathan feels Nancy pull at his sleeve and sighs. She’s not totally drunk, but she’s not totally sober, either, and he really needs her to steer clear in case this gets ugly. He’s about to say something about how he can handle himself when she blows his mind instead. 

“Hey, you don’t know that. I could see Steve being… you know…”

Billy laughs. “Queer?” He raises his voice. “You hear that? His own ex thinks he’s gay!”

“That’s not what I said!” Nancy looks around, embarrassed. “I’m just saying that maybe….it’s not an awful thing, is it?” She shrugs. “He was fine with me so maybe… maybe he’s not. I don’t know.”

Jonathan glares at her and then looks back to Billy. “I don’t care about whether or not he’s gay! I care about the fact that you accused him of something he did not do. I’m worried about him and you’re just sitting on your fucking throne like it even matters. You are a nobody, Billy Hargrove, and you can say whatever you want about Steve, but he is more of a man than you will ever be!”

The punch isn’t a surprise when it comes. Jonathan had been trying to rile Billy up for the sole purpose of having an excuse to give Hargrove the ass kicking that he deserves. He hits Billy and briefly registers that Billy isn’t fighting him back. By the time that Nancy pulls him away, he’s given Hargrove a beating that is only the fraction of what Jonathan thinks he should get. But he has to get Nancy out before she runs her fucking mouth some more. As he stomps out of the house, he hears Billy laughing everything off and taking on the role of party god again. 

He’s almost to his car when Nancy yelling his name finally breaks through his thoughts. He turns and tries to think of something to say that won’t sound like he’s screaming at her and then he gives up. “Just get in the car.” He drives them to her house, not even considering talking to her until he is no longer driving. When he pulls up to the curb, he puts the car in park, but doesn’t turn off the ignition. 

Nancy looks down at her lap, feeling the tension eat away at her. She sighs. “What is going on?”

Jonathan turns to look at her. “You’re serious? Hargrove and you having a contest to see who can run their mouth the most?”

Nancy’s eyes widen. “What is _wrong_ with you?”

“What’s wrong with _me_?” He runs a hand through his hair and studies her for a few seconds before he shakes his head. “What’s wrong with me… okay, sure.” He takes a deep breath. “You’re a hypocrite.”

“What?”

“A hypocrite, Nance. Someone who says one thing and does-“

“I know what it means! I’m not sure why you think _I’m_ one, though!”

“You told me that Steve tried to make it seem like everything was okay when you were upset about Barb dying and how he just didn’t get it. You’re doing the same thing now. Steve isn’t here. He’s been hurting and he’s continuing to be hurt by your mom who-“

“Oh God, please leave her out of it. I’m not her.”

“I didn’t say you were, but my point is that he’s been hurt. And he’s gone and you don’t seem to care.”

“I care! But what am I supposed to do? He took off to some resort and he’s probably healed himself by having sex with every cute girl he runs into. In fact, I’m guessing that was the point. If his dad has his way, Steve will come back with a fiancé and a baby on the way just so his family can prove that he’s the stud that they always said he was. Ugh, his family is so ridiculous.”

“You _know_ them?”

“No, but I’m sure they are. Why else would they leave him alone all the time?”

“All the…” He rubs his hand over his face. “Wait, are you saying that the entire time you were with him you never met his parents?”

She shakes her head. “No, they were home sometimes, but he never let me come over when they were.” 

“You didn’t think that was weird?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know. He was just always at my place. Then he didn’t want to do that, either. But I told him that he had to because I wasn’t going to go to all those stupid parties with him if he didn’t spend time with me in a place I could study.”

Jonathan tunes her out as he thinks back on a few things. “So his parents neglect him completely and have nothing to do with him or his life and then suddenly spring for a trip to a resort and sneak him out early on the morning that Hopper was planning to speak with him…. I really have a bad feeling about this. I mean I already did, but now... now I'm going from worried to scared.”

Nancy sighs. “I’m sure he’s fine.”

He turns and looks at her and feels his jaw tensing as he mutters something that she can’t hear. 

“What?”

He says it again, but she still can’t hear it. 

“Jonathan… Jonathan, you’re scaring me. I can’t hear you and I-“

“Bullshit! I said _bullshit!_ It’s your favorite word, isn’t it?”

Tears fill her eyes quickly. “I told you that in confidence! I didn’t expect you to throw it in my face!”

“I guess that’s probably how Steve felt when you threw the fact that he told you he loved you back in _his_ face.”

“Why are you being so mean!?”

Jonathan’s anger dissipates immediately and leaves weariness instead. He slumps back against the seat. “I don’t know. I’m… I’m sorry, Nancy. I’m worried.”

“I don’t know why. I told you, he’s fine.”

“You don’t know that. And you didn’t help matters back at that party.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you keep saying shit that gives everyone the wrong idea. So what if you think Steve is gay? So what? You don’t fucking tell Hargrove and the entire senior class that!”

“So it’s my fault that they are gay bashers? I don’t care if Steve is gay. I’m just saying that if he is, who cares?”

“ _Lots_ of people care, Nancy! They care and they’re using it to judge him on this shit that Hargrove is saying. I know you think it’s fine to be gay. So do I, but this isn’t about us! This is about Steve! You handed Billy ammunition to destroy Steve _again_ in front of everyone! If Billy says Steve is gay and you support that, then it makes it easier for people to believe Billy when he says that Steve is some sort of pervert!”

“I didn’t mean it that way!”

“Then how did you mean it?”

“I just wanted to focus on that so nobody would think of the rest of it. Is it really that impossible to think that Steve went too far?”

Jonathan sits back away from her, feeling the door handle dig into his back. “Wait… what?”

“Remember when he broke your camera and when he spray painted that stuff about me? He’s not a saint!”

“He broke my camera because he was a dick and then he apologized and that Halloween party… he asked me to take you home. He was angry and hurt and he _still_ cared about you and your safety. He fought beside us. He risked his life for our brothers. And hell, he forgave us for falling in love with each other when he loved you… so much. And now you treat him like he’s trash, like he’s garbage that you’re done with. You can’t even be bothered to protect him from the town bully!”

“That’s not fair! Steve and I fought because he was moving too fast! He was always telling me that he loved me and… I didn’t know how to love him. He was like this… two dimensional rich boy stereotype and it didn’t make sense to me that we would actually like… be anything. It’s high school. He was the popular guy who dated the nerdy girl and suddenly I wasn’t just the nerdy girl anymore! And yeah, it was nice. But that’s all it was supposed to be. And then it got weird and I don’t know… I mean seriously, how could he think that we would last?”

Jonathan is completely confused now. “Nancy… I’m glad that you ended up with me, but… Steve… I believe he did love you. I think he still does. He never would have left you or dropped you after high school.”

Nancy stares at him in disbelief and shakes her head. “No… No, Jonathan, you have it all wrong. I’m smart. You’re smart and so talented. We’re going to _be_ somebodies.”

“And Steve’s…not?”

“Yeah, I mean… Jon, he’s not smart. He’s sweet, but I read his college essays and it was awful. I hated reading through that and trying to figure out what the hell he was trying to say and if I’d helped too much, he could have actually gotten into college and… and what? He never would have made it and then he would have wasted all that time. And basketball? I mean he’s okay, for Hawkins, but Billy proved that in the grand scheme of things, Steve wasn’t going any farther with it.”

“What are you saying?” Jonathan stares at this woman and feels the blood in his veins turn to ice. 

“I’m saying that Steve was good for getting me at least one popular year in high school and he proved himself to be a nice guy and a friend, but there was no way that I was going to be in his league for long after high school. He’s going to end up being some junior executive at his father’s company and when his father is gone, he’ll be jobless because he probably still won’t have any skills. And any woman who marries him will only marry him for his money and she’ll leave once he’s not connected anymore. It’s sad and not anything I want a part of and I knew that I would leave him pretty soon after going to college. He’s too fucking needy anyway, Jonathan. He knew it, too. He knew he was going to lose everything once he was out of high school. He always needed something and if he set his sights on Billy, he probably just wanted someone to need him, too. But he read it wrong and now he’s in trouble and now somehow this is my fault.”

Jonathan turns to settle in his seat again. “Get out.”

“What?”

“I need you to get out of the car.”

She frowns. “Okay… well are you at least going to walk me to the door?”

“No, that’s something that boyfriends do for their girlfriends.”

“That’s my point…”

“We don’t fit that description anymore.”

“Jonathan…”

“Get out. I can’t do this with you. Mike was right. You were supposed to have loved Steve and look at how you treated him. What does that say about you? I think… I think I finally figured out _exactly_ what it says about you and I don’t want anything to do with it.”

Nancy glares at him. “I don’t believe you!” She gets out of the car and slams the door before running inside. Jonathan drives away, trying not to let the tears fall for the woman who apparently never existed in the first place. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

When Dustin finally comes home, he’s lighter and he smiles. The others have forgotten how to relax and Dustin had to leave town to figure it out again. He starts joining Joyce and Hopper in keeping up the positive vibe that Steve used to, but they don’t succeed nearly as much. While nobody is sulking, they aren’t laughing and smiling, either. Life has become more like a gray void without Steve. Dustin refuses to go down that path, not with them. Not with the only other people in town who love Steve as much as he does. So he talks to them about what they’re going to do _when_ they talk to Steve. Not _if_. 

When school starts up again, everything stays about the same. Nobody really mentions Steve at school as the fervor has died down and Steve hasn’t been seen to restart any rumors for months. The biggest news is probably the breakup between Nancy and Jonathan and Tommy accidentally sheds some light on why Karen Wheeler has it out for the boy at the final party at the quarry before Nancy and most of the teens leave for college. 

“Oh my God, Nancy! Now that you’re leaving, I might have to go hang out with your mom.” Tommy laughs and spills some of his beer down his front. 

Carol snorts and elbows him in the ribs. “I’m not enough for you?”

Nancy frowns. “Ew, stay away from my mom, pervert!”

Jonathan looks over from where he’s talking to a few people he knows. He didn’t want to come at all, but his mother asked him to go and maybe try to patch things up with Nancy enough so that they could stay friends. However, she’s been giving him the cold shoulder for most of the night and he is about to leave when he hears Tommy’s comments. 

“ _I’m_ not the pervert. That would be Mrs. Wheeler!” He laughs again. 

Jonathan walks over because, as angry as he is at Nancy, he doesn’t want people to make a laughingstock of her. “Tommy, hey man… why don’t you keep it down, okay?”

“Fuck you, Byers!”

Nancy glares at him. “I don’t need you defending me or my mother, Jonathan.”

Tommy smirks. “You get a piece of that, Byers? Mama Wheeler grease your knob?”

Nancy’s mouth drops open in shock. “Tommy, enough! Where the hell do you get off talking about people like that?”

“You’re kidding, right? Everyone knows.”

Jonathan frowns. “Knows what?”

“Karen Wheeler….opened her door in only a robe to Billy one night. He said that she was practically purring at him. She wanted him bad. She’s into younger guys anyway.”

Nancy shakes her head. “Why? Because she flirted, supposedly, with Billy?”

“That and every guy who has ever delivered pizza for her or mowed her lawn.” Tommy is clearly having fun tormenting Nancy. 

“And then there was the shit with Steve.” Carol speaks up and looks as if everyone already knows. She’s oblivious to the stares of everyone. 

Tommy notices, though. “Seriously? He never told you? After you broke up?”

Nancy shifts uncomfortably. “Told me what?”

“Back when he thought I gave a shit about him, he told me that your mom couldn’t keep her hands to herself. Said you’d go somewhere and leave him in the living room with her and she’d try to touch him and get cozy with him or try to expose herself and shit… It was pretty wicked.”

Nancy shakes her head. “No… no, that’s a lie. My mom couldn’t stand Steve.”

“Yeah, she tried to get him to come over when you weren’t there and he did, but I guess only to put her in her place and he threatened to tell you what she was doing!” Tommy laughs. 

Jonathan cuts in. “So… he bragged about this to you?”

“Bragged? Nah, he was freaked out.”

Nancy wipes at her eyes. “It’s not true.”

Jonathan ignores her. “Freaked out how?”

Tommy sighs, bored with the conversation now. “You know…. Freaked out! He didn’t want Nancy to find out about her mom being hot to trot and all that. I guess she wasn’t really very happy with him after he turned her down, though. Made threats to make him pay and all. He thought that she was going to do something to tank his relationship with Nancy, but… she never did.”

Nancy turns and walks away. Jonathan ignores the others and races after her. “Nancy… Nancy, could it be true?”

She turns and glares at him. “What? No! No, it’s not.”

“Did your mom _always_ hate Steve?”

She takes a deep breath. “No. Not until later. I… I never knew why.”

Jonathan takes a step closer to her. “Nancy.”

She looks up at him, her eyes daring him to ask. 

“Nancy, could it be true and could her vendetta against him now, the posters and her willingness to believe Billy… could this all be because he didn’t respond to her the way she wanted him to?”

Nancy stares back at him and it seems like she might not answer, but then she whispers out a “yes” before turning and walking away. Jonathan is heartbroken, for Steve, for Nancy, for the kids. There are so many things that could have been prevented. So many things that caused this perfect storm. And Steve was at the eye of it. Jonathan heads home. He needs to talk to his mom and Hopper. He has to find out if there’s a way to calm things down so Steve will have a safe place to come back to when he’s ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is. I have one more Party chapter and then I'll finally get back to Steve. But be warned, as always, I am making things progressively worse for Steve. And he's only been there three months and he has three months left to go.


	16. The Party - The Reveal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Max reveals to the others what she learned from Billy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have other fics to write, but this is the one that's not letting me go so... I guess I'll just write what my muse tells me to for now.

Max looks in the mirror at the bruises on her arms. She apparently mouthed off too much to Susan this morning and her stepfather gripped her hard and shook her, not hard enough to cause her another headache, but hard enough that she felt dizzy for a good 15 minutes afterward. She touches one of the bruises lightly and hisses in pain. She’s sickened at the shape of them, the imprint of Neil’s hands. His mark is on her and she despises it. It gives false evidence that he’s stronger than her, but he’s not. Not in the ways that count. She’s about to throw something at the mirror as she begins to feel overwhelmed again. The little girl she was before Billy left shows through and she starts to shake with the understanding of the hell she lives in and that Billy knowingly abandoned her to. 

But then the phone rings and she opens her door, hoping that it’s Lucas or one of the other members of the Party. She’s been avoiding them, but now she’s thinking that she needs to get away from her house for awhile. She hears Susan answer and then nothing. She frowns, curious, and heads toward the kitchen. 

“Billy, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

Max’s breath catches in her throat and she can’t think for a moment. She feels her heart start pounding out of her chest and then the rage starts to strangle her until it stops harming her and starts supporting her. She stomps into the kitchen. “Did you say Billy? Is that him? Give me the phone!” She yanks the phone from the woman’s hand and lifts it up as if to hit her when she moves to take it back. She glares at her mother and continues to stare her down as she puts the phone to her ear. “Don’t fucking call here again, you ass!” She slams the phone down and then turns on her mother. “Don’t you _ever_ try to stop me from talking to anyone again! _You_ don’t ever get to decide _anything_ about what is or what isn’t a good idea ever again!”

Susan reaches out and lets her hand fall to her side. “Maxine, please…”

“Don’t talk to me. Stop thinking of me as your daughter, _Susan_! You gave up that right the first time you let that man lay a hand on me. Maybe you should try taking a hit once or twice instead of using me as a fucking shield.” 

As the phone rings again, she rolls her eyes. She snatches up the phone as Susan sinks into a chair and starts to cry. 

“Hello?”

“Max? Hey, my name’s Grayson and I’m Billy’s roommate. I know that you don’t know me, but please… please talk to Billy. Just listen to him.”

She frowns. Is it possible that Billy made a _friend_? “Why should I?”

“Well… because then you can finally bite his head off.”

She considers this and realizes that maybe this won’t be such a bad idea. She hears Grayson talking softly and Max is amused as he advises Billy to “take the hit.” If he only knew. 

Grayson comes back on the line. “Max, will you talk to him? If not, I completely understand.”

She shivers, not liking the understanding part of that. Steve understands. This guy… Grayson, he can’t understand. She doesn’t like it when people are nice to her because it throws off her expectations and then she might not keep her guard up as well as she would otherwise. All she knows is she wants this over and done with. She sighs loudly. “Fine…. I guess.” She closes her eyes, trying to prepare for hearing his voice again, but nothing can prepare her and she swipes at a tear before it can fall. 

“Max, hey….”

She can’t stand the sad tone. “Say what you want to say so I can end this and never hear your stupid voice again.”

“Max… I need numbers for your friends. I have to tell them something.”

Max is stunned at the audacity of her stepbrother. “No. You don’t get to talk to them. You’ve caused enough trouble for them. And me.”

“Trouble?”

She runs a hand through her hair, not sure what to make of the worried tone of his voice. “Don’t worry about it. You wouldn’t care anyway. Do you need anything else or can I hang up?” She walks toward the phone to do just that. 

“No, wait… I have to tell you about something I did. I want to… confess.” 

Max grips the phone tighter. She doesn’t dare hope that this is about what she thinks it is. 

“I lied. About all of it.”

Max stops breathing. 

“Steve never indicated he had a crush on me and he _never_ touched me or even tried to.”

She closes her eyes tightly. It was all a lie. She knew it, but to hear it… it was ripping her apart. 

“I made the whole thing up. I didn’t think anyone would take it that seriously and I… I stole his scholarship and didn't help him when his father lit into him.”

_Oh my God… it was all for nothing. He destroyed everything for nothing…_

“I wanted out so bad.”

She hates that she gets it. 

“I mean… I fucked up. It really doesn’t matter what my reasons were. It’s no excuse for what I did.”

She shakes her head, the absolute devastation of it all taking over all rational thought. 

“I just wanted you to know so you understand that Steve is still a great guy.”

Her hand trembles and she’s surprised the phone doesn’t snap in half. She considers how she can possibly handle this at the moment as her brain seems to short circuit. She’s just gotten everything she’s been hoping for and she feels hollow. There’s no joy. She doesn’t even know where Steve is or if he’s ever going to want to come home. She slams her fist into the wall, causing Susan to jump. She starts screaming, unable to form words at first. Finally, she finds her voice. 

“You _fuck_! You absolute _fuck_! You ruined _everything_! We already _know_ Steve is a great guy, but nobody would listen. _Nobody!_ ” She’s vaguely aware of Susan standing up and coming toward her. She hopes it’s not to offer comfort. “None of us can even look at our parents, except for Will and he’s not exactly nominating his mom for mother of the year! Jonathan and Nancy aren’t together anymore and your father…” 

“Maxine, no!” Susan whispers harshly at her and tries to take the phone. 

“No, Susan, fuck off!” She yanks the phone away. “I’m telling him!...” She shoves Susan away from her, causing the other woman to hit her hip against the counter and the slide down, sobbing. “Your father decided to take shit out on Susan when you left and then when she became a simpering idiot, he… he wants me to be a _lady_ , Billy…” She feels the tears start to fall and hates herself more than she hates Billy in the moment. “And when I don’t fall in line…” She lets her voice trail off into sobbing. “You ruined everything.”

“Shit… Max? Did he…Fuck, did he hit you?”

The lie leaves her mouth easily. “Not often, but often enough. Susan isn’t doing anything about it so fuck her.” She glares at her mother, who stares up at her with tears in her eyes. “Yeah, _fuck_ you, Susan!”

“Max, stop! Your mom is still your mom and she’s hurt by Neil, too. Please don’t take it out on her. Don’t… don’t become like me.”

Max can’t handle it anymore. She can’t hear Billy being concerned. There’s no way it’s true. “She’s not my mom anymore. I hate her. And I hate you, too. It’s too late. Don’t call here again. I’ll tell the others what you did. If you talk to them at all, you’ll do it face to face.”

“Let me give you my number here. That way any of them… all of them… have the option of calling me to tell me anything they want. Just… Grayson is here, too. If they need to talk to him instead of me, that’s okay. He’s more than willing to take a message if someone doesn’t want to hear my voice.”

She listens to him as he gives her the number for his dorm room twice. She refuses to write it down, but for some reason it seems to be burned into her memory. She doesn’t know what to say to him and glances at the clock. She knows that Neil will be back soon. 

“Max… I’m sor-“

She hangs up. She has bigger things to worry about now. She looks down at her mother. “If you tell him that I’m the one who made you cry, I swear to God I will run away and you will never see me again.” She walks into her room and slams her door. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

In the end, Susan gets herself cleaned up before Neil sees her and Max pretends to be a perfect angel long enough that Neil gives her permission to spend time with her friends the following weekend. She notifies the others by walkie talkie and sits quietly while Susan drops her off at the arcade. She leaves and finds a payphone, calling Lucas. “I’m here. Is Jonathan on his way?”

“Yeah, but what’s going on that you need everyone together?”

“You’ll know soon.” She hangs up and watches the road, running out when Jonathan shows up, not giving him time to even turn the engine off. 

Jonathan is concerned about how panicked the girl looks, though. “Max? What’s going on?'”

She shakes her head. “I’m not repeating myself. Not about this. I want everyone together and then we’ll talk.”

“But-“

She fixes him with a glare. “I talked to Billy.”

Jonathan’s mouth drops open and then he shuts it. “Okay… Okay, let’s go.” He tries to keep his speed in check as he races toward his house. 

Although Max was quick to jump in his car, she doesn’t move a muscle once he pulls up to the house and gets out of the car. He watches her through the windshield for a moment before walking inside. He knows the look when someone wants to be alone. He’s seen most of the kids with it on their faces since all of this happened. 

The boys come out of Will’s room when he hears the door open. “Where’s Max? What’s going on?” Lucas demands. 

Jonathan holds his hands up. “Look, she needs a minute. She’s in my car. Just leave her alone for right now.” He looks around. “Where’s mom?”

Will gestures toward the door. “She went outside with Hopper a little bit ago.”

Mike scoffs. ”They’re probably around back making out or something.”

Everyone makes a slightly disgusted face except for Eleven, who is calm as usual as she sits down on the floor near the couch. 

Dustin flops down onto the couch cushion closest to her. “This is stupid. It’s not really a group gathering without Steve.”

Will sits down next to him and pats his back. “I wish I knew him more when everything was happening. I’m glad I got to know him afterward, though. It would be nice if he was here.”

Lucas crosses his arms over his chest. “You’re talking about him like he’s dead. He’s not dead.”

Jonathan wants to point out that they technically don’t know that, but chooses to keep his mouth shut. He glances over at Mike. “How’s Nancy?”

Mike shrugs. “I don’t talk to her.”

Lucas frowns at him. “She doesn’t call?”

Mike purses his lips and then sits on the floor next to Eleven. “She calls. I just don’t talk to her.”

The others fall quiet. They’ve all been affected by this, but maybe none more than Mike. While all of their parents made their choices out of fear, it was Mike’s mom that fueled everyone’s hatred for Steve and Nancy hadn’t even supported their friend. Jonathan has kept the secret about Nancy’s mom for now, mostly because he has no real proof and it doesn’t really help Steve. He hopes that whatever Max has to say will give him more leeway to expose Karen Wheeler for what she is. His fists clench just as Max quietly walks in with Hopper and Joyce following. 

Hopper takes a deep breath. “Lose something?”

Eleven gets up and comes over to hug Max. “No, she’s not lost.” She guides the girl over to sit on the couch and then goes back to sitting with Mike. “You’re hurt.”

Max shrugs. “I’m always hurt.” She ignores the looks from the adults. “So… I talked to Billy this week. He had something to tell me.” She glances up at all of them. “I don’t really know how to say this. He… He told me that he made the whole thing up. He said Steve never did any of the things he accused him of.”

Nobody speaks. Nobody moves. Max feels as if she’s caught in a vacuum until Mike stands up. “Okay. So what?”

Everyone turns to Mike then, just as shocked by what he says. Dustin stands up near him, ready to fight. “What do you mean ‘So what?’ Are you fucking serious right now? This is great! What’s wrong with you?”

Mike shrugs. “She’s not telling us anything we didn’t already know.” He frowns at the others. “Right? I mean we knew this.” The others think about what he’s asking and then nod their heads, realizing he’s right. 

Max shakes her head. “No, this is different because Billy is admitting it!”

“Says who?” Mike runs a hand through his hair. “Billy’s not here. The only person saying this is you and you’ve made it very clear how you feel about Billy…. And about Steve. It’s just going to look like you’re lying. Nobody is going to believe you. They haven’t believed any of us yet.” He walks to the door and heads out. “I need some air.”

Eleven turns sad eyes to Hopper and once he gives her a small nod, she rushes after Mike. 

Lucas gets up and starts to pace. “There has to be something we can do.”

Max sighs. “She said we could call him anytime we want and he has this roommate… Greg? Gray… Grayson! Yeah, Grayson. Anyway, he said we could call and talk to him, too. He seems okay.”

Joyce lights up a cigarette, trying to wrap her head around this turn of events. “So… okay, he lied. Can he come here? Can he tell everyone else?”

“He won’t come here. Neil is an asshole and Billy is glad to be rid of him. I wouldn’t come back if I was him.”

Hopper walks over to her. “Max… are you sure there’s nothing you want to tell me?”

Max looks at the floor. “It’s not about what I want to do. It’s about what I’m _able_ to do right now.”

Hopper swears and walks over to the window. “Max, I can help you! I don’t understand why you won’t let me!”

Lucas sighs. “It’s not you. It’s her stepdad. She knows if something happens, he’ll move the family again.”

“Lucas!” Max hisses out a warning, but she’s already caught everyone’s attention. She sighs. “ _If_ anything was happening, Neil would move us away from here. It’s why we moved from California.”  
Dustin looks around to see if anyone else is confused. “I thought that Billy said it was your fault, though.”

“It was. I knew what was happening and I went to one of my teachers. The social worker called and that was it. We were gone within the week and here we are. I don’t want to be taken away from here and I won’t give Neil a reason to pick up and leave.”

Joyce stands and puts a hand on Hopper’s shoulder. “There has to be something…”

Hopper shakes her head. “If she won’t talk, there’s nothing. Hell, even if she does say something, it’s hard to prove. A kid has to practically be on death’s door for the state to do anything and when they do… it’s usually to take the kid and put them in a strange place with people who will do the same or worse. Maybe one day there will be some screening for these folks, but right now… it’s not really a system I’d want a kid in.”

Jonathan speaks up. “What if we involve the newspaper?” He shakes his head when the stares of everyone else hit him with the clear message that he’s a moron. “Hear me out. If we can get Billy to tell a reporter what happened… maybe we can make sure that everyone knows the truth.”

“Is it even a story?” Will blushes as Jonathan gives him an exasperated look. 

“I think it is. I mean the whole community was pulled into it when those flyers went up.”

Mike walks in with El and looks around before looking back at El, who nods and places her hand on his shoulder. Mike takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment before opening them again. “We should call and tell Nancy." The others agree and tell him about Billy's roommate. "Fine. Then we call Nance and then… then I want to talk to this Grayson guy.”

Joyce nods. “I think we all need to talk to him. Talking to Billy might be… volatile.”

They all agree and Mike walks over to the phone. He looks over at them and then digs into his pocket. “I brought her number with me because whenever we all get together like this, I wonder if someone’s heard from Steve and even though she sucks, I’d like her to know that he’s back. Just so she stops asking mom about him.” He dials the number and holds his breath until his sister answers. “Nancy?” He sighs. “Yeah, it’s me. I just called to tell you that Billy confessed.” He looks down. “About Steve. He confessed that he made it all up.” He rocks back and forth on his heels. “He told Max.” He holds the phone away from him and looks shocked and then puts it back to his ear. “I’m not making it up.” He shakes his head and turns away from the group, his hand coming quickly to his face. 

Dustin and Lucas turn away then, as if to respect Mike’s privacy. 

Mike runs a hand through his hair. “Nancy, do me a favor, will you? Forget I exist.” He slams the phone down and then waves El off and goes into the bathroom and closes the door. 

Jonathan looks at his mom helplessly. “ _I_ should have called her. I didn’t think she’d… I didn’t think she’d react that way if it was Mike telling her…”

Joyce comes over and hugs him. “We’ll figure it out.”

Mike comes out and his eyes are red, but the look on his face is fierce. “Okay, let’s call this guy.”

Max stands. “I’ll do it.” She goes over to the phone and dials the number, promising Joyce she’ll pay her for the long distance, but Joyce waves the offer off. 

Dustin turns to Lucas. “What the hell are we even going to say?”

Lucas shrugs. “Beats me.”

Max’s posture stiffens. “I want to talk to Grayson.” She waits a moment. “Hey, we want to hear what Billy has to say, but we also don’t want to talk to him. He needs to face us. You convince him to come to Hawkins for his Thanksgiving Break.” She frowns as Grayson lists some demands. She looks to the others, clearly concerned about what Grayson is saying. “Um… no, he never had those.” She shifts uncomfortably. “Yeah…. Yeah, I’ll ask. Just assume it’s all set. Thanks.” She hangs up. “Sorry, I just couldn’t do some whole phone conversation when you know we all would have been yelling. I thought in person would make it better.”

El walks over to her. “Scared.” 

Hopper frowns. “What are you scared of, Max?”

“I’m not. I think she means Billy.”

Dustin scoffs. “Nobody gives a shit about him.”

“Grayson does. He said that he’ll talk to Billy about coming here, but Neil can’t know. Grayson said…” She glances at Hopper. “He said he’ll kill Neil if he sees him or if Billy is anywhere near him.”

Hopper grimaces. “Can’t say as I blame him.”

“He also said that Billy will only be here if Grayson can arrange to be here, too.”

Dustin stares at her in disbelief. “Seriously? Why?”

Max looks nervous and then shrugs. “He asked if we knew how to handle his panic attacks and… I didn’t know Billy had those so… Grayson said he has to come to make sure Billy is okay.”

“Fuck Billy!” Dustin can’t hold it in anymore. “He hurt Steve and we’re all acting like we need to give a rat’s ass about Billy. Forget it. If you all remember who we actually need to help, you let me know.” Dustin walks out and slams the door. 

Max sits down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it seem like I’m not worried about Steve.” 

Joyce wraps her up in a hug. “He knows that, sweetheart. I think we’re all just a little overwhelmed that all of this was a lie. I mean… we knew it, but hearing it… having it confirmed… that was a little jarring.”

Hopper nods. “I have to admit that I never thought we’d get that far. I figured Billy would keep up that story until the day he died.”

Max looks up at Joyce. “Can I stay here for a little while?”

Joyce smiles. “Of course. I’m going to make dinner. You can help.” She puts her arm around the girl and they head to the kitchen. El follows only after Mike tells her that he’s going to head home. Lucas offers to go with him and Mike agrees. 

Jonathan watches them walk out and looks at Hopper. “You staying for dinner?”

Hopper nods. “Wouldn’t miss it. By the sounds of it, I’ll be here for Thanksgiving, too. Not sure if I should bring my gun, though.”

Jonathan shrugs. “Not sure whether you want to be unarmed for that meeting.”

Hopper sighs. “Good point.” He heads outside for another much needed cigarette, already trying to determine how he’s going to keep everyone in line when they lay eyes on Billy Hargrove again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter is all Steve. I'm kind of dreading it. Okay, I'm REALLY dreading it....


	17. Three Months Ago - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve's chapter is brutal, as always. There is some Stockholm Syndrome in this chapter, but it does NOT last long into the next chapter belonging to Steve. It might show up again, but it will never stick. Please heed the warnings!!!!! Triggering stuff inside. Also, homophobic slurs. Please, again, mind the tags.

He stares out the window of his room and tries to remember to breathe. He leans his forehead against the bars there. They’d had to install them after he put his hand through the glass last week. At least he thinks it was last week. The days mean nothing anymore. He thinks there was something else said about him back home. He doesn’t remember anymore. He only knows that he’s not leaving. He’s never leaving, that’s what the Father had said and he’s never been wrong. 

Steve looks down at his still bandaged hand. He knows underneath the tape and gauze his skin has been crudely sewn together. It itches and he welcomes it as a reminder that he still exists. He looks down at the grounds and sees men down there doing yard work and remembers when he used to be allowed to go outside. He tilts his head up, trying to get the last bit of sunshine that’s on this side of the house. He grips his sore hand and wrist in the other and squeezes hard until the tears leak from his eyes. 

He steps away from the window and decides that today is the day. He’s done being in this place and the time has come to escape. He sinks to his knees and pushes up his mattress to get the glass shard he had hidden there after he had found it, hidden under his bed. The broom hadn’t managed to catch it and Steve clung to it like a lifeline. Today it would pay off. 

He lifts up the mattress higher and frowns. _No… where is it? I had it…_

As if reading his mind, Father Purcell comes to stand in the doorway. “Did you lose something?”

Steve jumps and spins to look at the Father. “No, Father. Just… straightening up the bed.”

Father Purcell walks in and tsks at Steve. “Now, Steve… lying is a sin.”

Steve nods. “I know, Father. I didn’t lie.” He stands carefully, never knowing what’s in store for him one second to the next. 

“I let you have this room with the window because you’ve been so good in our prayer sessions, but then you went and damaged the property…”

“I know and I’m sorry. I told you, I’ll pay for it.”

“Oh, yes…. You will.” He smiles at Steve and Steve has to force himself not to gag. He’s seen that smile before and it always shows up right before Father Purcell “lays hands” on him. 

Steve’s lip starts to tremble. “I’m sorry, Father. I _did_ lie…”

“Yes, you were looking for the piece of glass that you stole.”

“I didn’t steal it!” He barely finishes his sentence before the slap sends him to the floor. He immediately gets to his knees. “I’m sorry, Father. I won’t… I won’t interrupt again.”

Father Purcell sneers at him. “The window is not yours and therefore the glass is not yours. You stole it.”

“Yes, Father. I’m a sinner.”

“Your next month here will not be as easy as I’d hoped. You were so close to leaving. In fact, I was going to tell you that I’d arranged for a cab for you tomorrow, but after this… I can look past the… _accident_ with the window, but this.. stealing and lying… maybe you’re not well at all.”

“No, I am! Please… I’m well. I’m sorry. I’ll be good. I’ll leave tomorrow and you won’t have to see me anymore. I know that I’m bad and I’ll go away. I’ll go far away.” He’s not sure when he crawls over to the Father, gripping at his robe, but he prostrates himself and grips at the robe. “Please… please I’ll be good.” 

Purcell yanks the robe from Steve’s fingers. “Get up, you foolish boy! You’re sick and you think that I care about your false promises? No, you’ll stay. One day away and you ruined everything. Such a shame. You know, nobody has ever been here as long as you. You’re _special_ , Steve.”

Steve gets up to his knees and stares up at the Father. He knows the trap by heart and he’s been caught in it so often that he now means what he says. “No, I’m not special. I’m evil. I’m not wanted. Not by my family and not by God. I am a mistake of nature. I should be dead. My survival is not sanctioned by God. My death will come when He wills it and not before. I can… I can never escape the Hell of my own making.”

The older man nods. “Yes… you show promise. Usually family members are looking for updates and progress and we keep someone here for a month. Maybe two. But you… seem to have been forgotten. So we’ll keep you another month. Maybe someone will ask about you one day, but that is not today. Now get up and follow me. Your new training begins.”

Steve gets up slowly and follows. He frowns as he’s led downstairs. It’s not time for any of his punishments so he’s surprised to be down here at all. When he stops in front of the white cell, he shivers. “Father? Why… why are we here?”

Purcell gestures to the room. “It needs cleaned for another guest and I prefer that it gets scrubbed down at least twice before a new occupant arrives. It’s been cleaned once. I’d like you to do it the second time so you can have a good transition.”

Steve sighs in relief. “Yes, Father. I can do that. He walks into the cell and turns to get the cleaning supplies from behind the door, where he assumes they are, but finds nothing. He looks up. “Father?” The door slams and Steve’s eyes widen in panic. He slams his fists against the door. “No, please! Please don’t leave me in here!”

Father Purcell stares at him with cold eyes through the small safety window. “Maybe you will learn not to abuse the gifts you’re given. I put you in a nice room upstairs just a week ago and you were very disrespectful. I gave you one more chance and look at you… searching for glass. Were you going to harm someone with it? Harm yourself?” He shakes his head in disgust. “No matter. You will remain here for the rest of the afternoon and night. I will come back in the morning to see if you have learned anything.” He knows Steve’s fears now and decides to add to his torment. He walks over to the temperature control and adjusts it before walking to the light switch for the floor. “Goodbye for now.”

“No! Please don’t turn it off!” He screams as the lights go off, leaving him in complete darkness. There are no windows down here and no other lights other than those that the Father has turned off. “Please don’t leave me here! _Please_!” He backs up from the door and feels around for something. He finally finds the bed and sits down, pulling his knees up. His eyes begin to play tricks on him and he swears that he sees monsters reaching for him out of the inky blackness. He whimpers and closes his eyes. He can feel himself shaking in terror and he tries to catch his breath. _Nothing is here. It’s okay. Nothing is here. It’s okay._ He starts saying the mantra out loud and then begins to sob his way through it because he finds it harder and harder to believe. He freezes and falls silent when he hears the sound of a motor and a fan whirring to life. It only takes a moment to realize it’s the ventilation system. He can feel the frigid air hit his skin and he jumps up and runs toward the direction of the door. He slams into it, but doesn’t fall. “No! Not the cold! Please don’t leave me in here!” He sinks down to the floor and screams out his fear until he loses consciousness. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Steve wakes to the bright light of his cell flickering on. He’s frozen and he’s pissed himself during the night. He starts to cry, but can’t manage it past the pain in his throat. As Father Purcell comes in, he hurries to the corner of the room. He can’t convince himself that he’s not in the Upside Down and the Father Purcell is just a demogorgon in disguise. This whole situation can’t possibly happen in real life. Someone would certainly find him by now. He looks down. But nobody is looking for him. He knows that now. 

“Steve, have you learned your lesson?”

Steve nods, obedient and silent. 

“Good. Now prepare for the day.” He leaves and the others come in to take over. 

Steve follows the same pattern as before and moves when he’s told to and goes to the shower room. He can’t stand up, but they don’t seem to care. They hose him down and drag him up by his rapidly growing hair and help him into a jumpsuit. He follows like a zombie when he’s taken to the Father’s office. He goes to the table and lies down, knowing the drill by now. 

The Father comes in and smiles at Steve. “Eager today for prayer, are you?” He laughs. “But no… we must work harder. I think you need to understand that finding pleasure from your perversions is the real sin.” 

Steve frowns. Pleasure is not what he would call it. Sometimes when the Father has a finger buried in his ass, his body responds, but it isn’t pleasurable and he’s always punished for it. 

Father Purcell must sense his confusion because he smirks. “I brought you some friends.” He opens the door and two men walk in. They smile at him and then grin at Purcell. 

“He’s everything you promised.”

Purcell nods. “Yes and you know the rules. If he still needs some help in a month… I’ll keep your numbers.”

Steve stares at them and worries that he’s about to be raped. He shakes his head. “I can’t… I can’t do this. Please don’t make me.”

One of the men grins. “Don’t worry, baby. You don’t have to do a thing.” He grabs Steve and pulls him up as the second man pulls off the jump suit and then holds him down while the first man moves between Steve’s legs. 

“Please don’t! Please don’t do this. Oh… God, please don’t.”

The man shakes his head. “No, sicko, not doing that. You want me to, though, don’t you?” He laughs again and then leans forward and starts licking at Steve’s soft cock. 

Steve shakes his head hard. “No! No, I don’t… I don’t want you to do that. Please leave me alone!” He tries to push up, but the other guy is holding him fast now. Steve tries to cry out again, but as the man fully takes him into his mouth and starts doing something incredibly wicked with his tongue, a moan is ripped from him instead. Steve whimpers, half in pleasure and half in shame. 

Steve tries to ignore the tension building at the base of his spine and starts to shake with the oncoming climax. But that is when Father Purcell walks over. “If you climax from this, I will most certainly report the behavior to your father.”

Steve stares at him in shock and then looks up at the ceiling. He tries to detach from what’s happening to his body and he succeeds for a short time, but then the pleasure starts cloying at him and he groans again and shudders. “Please…”

Father Purcell frowns. “Please what?”

“Please… please let me cum. Please.”

Father Purcell smiles. “You understand you have to obey if you want any chance of leaving soon.”

Steve nods and tears leak from his eyes, the effort of holding back almost too much for him to handle. “Yes. Yes, I understand. Please!”

Father Purcell nods. “You may come.”

Steve lets out a strangled sob and releases into the other man’s mouth. He lies there while the Father and the other two talk and have a drink. He considers sleeping, but knows that it’s never a good idea to let your guard down. After about an hour, the man who had held him down earlier stands up and starts to undress. Steve tenses and watches him, ready for anything. The man comes over and pulls Steve up and then throws him down to the ground. “Open your mouth, faggot.”

Steve shakes his head. “I’m…. I’ve never…”

The man grabs Steve’s jaw hard and Steve knows there will be bruises there. “Open. Your. Mouth.”

Steve sobs once and then the man’s fingers are pressing into his jaw and his mouth opens. He fights and tries to pull back, but is prevented by the man’s tight grip and the second man coming to stand behind him. “Settle down, boy. We gave you yours. It’s our turn.”

“You bite me, I take an eye.”

Steve is terrified now because he needs to be able to see so he can be prepared when the monsters come. And they will because Father Purcell has put him in the dark and the cold and they like that. Before he can continue down that path of thought, he sees the man holding his jaw start to move forward. Steve yanks back again, but is helpless to move as the man forces his cock down Steve’s throat. Steve can feel the weight of it against his tongue and he cries out, unable to reconcile this with his reality. Steve Harrington doesn’t get on his knees and suck dick in front of two other men. And yet here he is. He barely registers the other man taking his hand and guiding it to him. Steve finds the man’s penis and begins to stroke it as he’s being instructed to do by Father Purcell. 

Steve isn’t sure what he’s doing and the humiliation and shame is definitely the most overwhelming sensation at the moment. It had taken so long to pull himself out of his own head and now he was going to go right back in. Or try to. He is starting to think that his safe place in his mind has abandoned him because there is no longer any place to hide. The abuse is like a tornado and eventually it finds him, no matter how deep the cellar is. 

As the man in his mouth grips his hair and uses it to hold him steady as he thrusts into his mouth, Steve thinks that he might want to keep his head shaved after he leaves so nobody can ever have the convenient ways to hold him still. He starts to choke at the man’s brutal pace and accidentally squeezes the other man too hard. He shoves Steve’s hand away from him and pulls away. Steve is grateful as he’s trying to concentrate on getting everything over with sooner rather than later. He focuses his attention on the man using his mouth and tries to pull away again when he realizes the man is close. 

“No, bitch. You’re going to take it all.” Steve struggles anew and then sparks fly behind his eyes as Father Purcell comes up and hits him in the head with something hard. Fluid fills his mouth and he gags and then suddenly the man is in front of him, holding his mouth shut and glaring at him. “Swallow.”

It takes a moment, but he does and then he howls out a cry as he finally pulls away. He curls in on himself and then the second man is in front of him. “Come on, boy. You’re a rapist faggot. You like forcing this stuff on people. I guess now you understand how dirty you are.”

As Father Purcell grips Steve’s hair and yanks his head back, Steve realizes that this is his new punishment. He’s going to end up pleasuring men in order to hate the idea of ever pleasing a man. And the idea that he’s not allowed to climax while he’s being molested is new and terrifying and he’s not sure he wants to find out the punishment for disobeying. 

The next four weeks blend together and every day is the same. He’s on his knees, servicing men. Father Purcell is there and warning all the men to stay away from his ass because it will have the opposite effect. He makes them all think that Steve is begging for a cock up his ass and that’s why he can’t get it. While he should be relieved, he knows better. Something more is happening and Steve isn’t aware of it yet, but he’s terrified of the day when he finally gets what he’s missing out on. He’s hoping that whatever it is will be revealed soon. The waiting is agony. The shock treatments only happen when he climaxes without permission and soon that happens rarely. The Father can be kind and will sometimes tell the men to paint Steve’s face and hair with their release, sparing him the humiliation of swallowing. When he’s been very good, Father Purcell allows him to get on his knees in front of _him_ and he keeps him safe from the men who want to come in and hurt him. He eagerly allows the Father to use his mouth, grateful for the reprieve. 

Father Purcell tells him that he’s getting better and promises that the conversation at their next meeting will herald good things. Steve thanks him and begs again to let him please him. He begs for the Father to use him and begs for release. He never looks at the crucifix anymore. His new Savior is a man with withered hands and a red robe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is roughly two months shy of the conclusion of this part of the story for Billy. Again, this "month" may be broken up into multiple chapters. While Bily is dealing with all of these changes and discovering the world, Steve is having his erased and his whole life is boiled down to only the abuse. Hopefully that makes sense and that you enjoyed.


	18. Two Months Ago - Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy has some more growth and he's moving quickly toward the person he wants to be with a few stumbles along the way. His friendships are turning into the catalyst for real change. And of course he finds comfort with a pretty nice and familiar guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It has taken me a LONG time to get this how I want it. I hope there are no small errors in this, but there probably are. I know that I did Billy's part in three sections last time, but his growth is moving pretty well now and I didn't think that I needed to put as much into this chapter to show the month progression. The following month for Billy will definitely be split up in at least two parts. We are also getting to Steve's last month in conversion therapy camp and that might also be split up. 
> 
> Please don't think I'm ever abandoning this fic. I'm not. This and the others are all up on my PC and I work on all of them a little at a time and then switch when I need to. Eventually, like this time, I'm able to finish one. :) 
> 
> This is dialogue heavy. I know some people don't like that, but the interactions were more important, I think, in this section. Hope you like it!

_tap tap tap tap tap tap breathe_

_tap tap tap tap tap tap breathe_

_tap tap tap tap tap tap breathe_

_tap tap tap tap tap tap breathe_

Grayson places his hand on Billy’s. “I adore you, Billy, but I might kill you soon.”

Billy looks up from his textbook where he’s been tapping his pencil incessantly and sighs. “Sorry. I just have to wonder what it’s going to be like when I go back to Hawkins. It’s happening in less than two months. I was hoping that Max or someone would have called again.”

“Max was pretty clear that nobody wants to talk to you. Dude, I’m a little nervous about going there, too. I think that they really hate you and I’m thinking that I’m going to have to get between you and a bunch of grade schoolers.”

“They’re in middle school. Soon to be in high school.”

“They have grades in middle school.”

Billy rolls his eyes. “Semantics.” He closes his text, giving up on learning anything tonight. “So, plans tomorrow?”

Grayson glances up at him. “Yeah. Maybe.” He quickly goes back to reading. 

“No way. Come on and spill. You got a date?”

“Not exactly.”

Billy smirks. “You holding out on me?”

Grayson closes his text, too. “Am I getting any more studying done tonight?”

“Nope.”

Grayson stands up. “Come on then. We’re not having a conversation in the library. They frown on talking, you know.”

Billy grabs his things and heads out with him, pulling his jacket closed. “It gets so chilly once the sun goes down. It wasn’t like this in California.”

“It’s October, man. It’s going to start getting colder.” He frowns as he walks and then realizes Billy isn’t next to him. He turns. “Billy?”

Billy is looking across the lawn in front of the library and Grayson comes up beside him. Billy glances over at him. “Should we invite Kyle to come hang out?”

Grayson looks over at where Billy is watching Kyle walk toward the library. “Sure, why not?” He yells for Kyle and waits for the other man to join them. “We’re just going to hang out and talk if you want to join us.”

The strawberry blonde looks down at his books. “I was going to study. My English Lit teacher is really on our asses with this mid term.”

Billy speaks up quickly. “I’m good at English Lit. I can help.”

Grayson arches an eyebrow and keeps his mouth shut. 

Kyle smiles. “Yeah? I could use as much help as I can get.”

Billy reaches for the books. “Here. I can take some of those.” He takes two of the four books that Kyle has and put them on top of the two he’s already carrying.

Grayson looks down at the five books he’s holding onto and switches the eyebrow he’s arching. “Uh… I’ll head to the dorm room and you two join me when you’re ready.” He’s trying not to smirk.  


Kyle takes a step forward. “We can walk with you.”

Grayson waves him off. “No, it’s good. I need to take a shit anyway.” He laughs and keeps walking. 

Billy rolls his eyes. “He’s so dumb.”

Kyle watches the other man walk off. “Yeah, he kinda is.” He sighs and turns to Billy with a smile on his face. “You look better. Regardless of how it happened, Jacob says great things about you. Only to me, but he still asks about you.”

Billy shrugs a shoulder. “That’s nice to hear, but I feel pretty bad about how all that went down. He might not know that I used him, but _I_ know.”

“Look, don’t sweat it. Jacob will be fine. He might be asking about you, but I think he may have met his match in one of the lab techs over at the science building. Believe it or not, the guy is 6’2” and muscular as hell and follows Jacob around like he’s on a leash. Probably will be before long if Jacob has his way.”

Billy laughs nervously. “Yeah, not sure that’s my thing at all.”

“Mine, either. I mean… there are certain things I would do with the right person if they wanted me to, but I’m pretty vanilla.”

Billy kicks a small stone as he continues to walk. “Vanilla doesn’t sound that bad. I just wish there was someone that I could trust who would… you know… let me try things.”

“What kind of things?” 

Billy shrugs. “I mean… I’d like to see how I do with a blow job.”

“Giving or receiving?”

Billy starts to blush a little and then shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. It’s never going to happen. I think I’m going to be a gay guy’s equivalent of an old maid.”

Kyle laughs loudly. “Shit, Billy… that’s not even a fucking possibility. Do you even look in a goddamn mirror?”

Billy frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’re like sex on legs. Shit, man… You’re hot.”

Billy looks him up and down. “Teach me.”

His eyes widen. “Teach you _what_?”

Billy chews on his lower lip. “Everything. Look… I don’t like being… you know, the inexperienced one. Not in anything, but if I’m going to start exploring my sexuality, I don’t want to go into every situation like a virgin each time.”

“Billy, I don’t know. I mean Grayson-“ 

“-can’t. I have never had a friend like him and I’m not going to fuck it up. Please, Kyle? You… I mean there’s something about you. I know you felt it, too, the first time we met.”

“Billy, that’s not… I mean yes, but it was… I was trying to figure out who you were to… well, I don’t know.”

“I thought you said you find me attractive.”

“I _do_! That’s not the problem.”

“Then what is?” He frowns and takes a step back. “Oh. It’s because of what I did. Look, you can think that I’m still that person, but I’m not. I’m… I’m learning a little at a time. And I like you. I know that it would be good with you and what’s the worst that could happen? We’ll go into it with our eyes wide open. No promises.”

“No, Billy.” He shakes his head. “I don’t fuck people unless I’m… you know, _with_ them.”

Billy frowns and shuts down. “Yeah, well, let’s go. I’m sure Grayson is wondering where we are.” He walks off. 

Kyle watches him go and groans to himself, running his hand through his hair. “Shit, what did I just get myself into?”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy stands on the side of the park and looks out toward the basketball court. He tugs at his sweatshirt and his sweat pants again because they don’t seem to fit right. Beside him, Grayson tries not to sigh again. “Billy… you’re fidgeting. Just relax, okay?”

It had taken a bit to get out of Grayson what was going on tonight, but it turned out that it was another game with Josh. Billy had seen it as an opportunity to apologize and Grayson and Kyle supported him. “What if they tell me to leave?”

“Then you leave.”

Billy rolls his eyes and looks at him. “Grayson, come on. You know what I mean. If they tell me off, should I bother continuing to apologize or just go? I don’t want them to think I’m apologizing just to do it.”

“You think too much. Let’s go.” He starts walking toward where his cousin and friends are shooting hoops.

Billy stands there a bit longer before walking over. His legs feel like they’re made out of lead and he’s clenching and unclenching his hands to try and keep from bolting from the park and back to his room where it’s safe. 

Grayson slows down to wait for Billy, having no intention of leaving Billy behind for long. He just knows the other boy needs that nudge to get through his fears. He waves to Josh when they get close. He can already tell that this is so different from their first meeting. Billy is acting almost shy and he finds it kind of endearing. He also has an odd feeling that he wants to take him back to the room as soon as possible and order a pizza or get some burgers so Billy doesn’t have to deal with any of this. He remembers his brother and knows that this protectiveness has always been there, but it just didn’t have anyone to focus on and now there’s Billy. He hopes beyond hope that he doesn’t drive this friend away with how overbearing he can be when it comes to keeping people he cares about safe. 

Josh looks over and nudges the other guys. He waits for Grayson and Billy to get close. “Hey, long time no see, Billy.”

Billy nods and automatically puts his hand to his nose, remembering the well deserved punch. “Yeah… I guess so.”

Grayson remembers what he was told before about not forcing Billy to apologize if he’s not ready and starts egging the guys on about playing the game. 

“Um… I’m going to sit out.” Billy goes over to a nearby bench and takes a deep breath, holding onto the edge of the bench. 

Grayson frowns. “Maybe I should stay with him.”

Josh shakes his head. “I will. Just go have some fun, Gray.” He goes over to sit by Billy. “How are your classes going?”

Billy glances over and then at the court to see Grayson. “Fine. They’re fine.” He reminds himself to breathe, but it’s getting a little harder. “I’m sorry. For all of it. For the things I said about your friends. I’m really sorry.”

Josh frowns because Billy seems to have more going on than just this apology. “Billy? You alright, man?” He puts a hand on Billy’s shoulder and suddenly Billy practically flies off the bench and sits on the ground with his hands over his face. “Gray!” He rushes over to the blonde.

Grayson looks up and sprints over. “No! Don’t touch him!” He drops to his knees in front of Billy and starts whispering his name. “It’s okay, Billy. I’m right here.”

The other four stand back a bit so Billy doesn’t feel crowded.

“It’s never enough. It’s never enough and I don’t want to… I don’t want it to be for nothing. I really mean it this time. I do and I don’t want it to be nothing.”

Grayson frowns. “Billy, you’re not making sense, man. What’s going on?”

Billy shakes his head. “My dad made me apologize all the time and I never thought I should, but I did, and it didn’t matter to him. It was never enough. And he’d punish me and I didn’t want that and… nobody… nobody hugged me anymore after mom died except for Jamie and dad took that away. He never touched me except to hurt me and then Jacob and it wasn’t his fault and everyone wants something and why can’t someone care about me? Everyone cares about Steve and he’s… I’m not _him_ and what if nobody believes me? I’m here and I’m apologizing and it’s real. I mean what I’m saying and the idea that nobody will believe me… Oh God, Grayson, is this how _he_ felt? Shit, no resort is worth this! I _did_ this to him! I _did_ this to him! _I did this to him!_ ” He starts to sob.

Josh looks over at Grayson. “Gray, what the fuck? His dad that bad?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, and he hurt someone and sometimes he…” He frowns. “It hits him what he put someone through and when that happens, he has a panic attack, but he hasn’t had one really about this guy’s feelings specifically. Not really, but… shit… If he hits me, don’t be rough with him.” He reaches out and grabs Billy in his arms and sure enough he takes a punch for it, but it’s off center due to the fact that Billy is blindly lashing out. He turns him quickly so Billy’s back is to his front and he wraps his arms around him. Billy is still fighting and the others get out of the way of his kicking feet. Billy attempts to escape the hold, but ends up only causing his shirt to bunch up a bit. Grayson rocks him side to side and whispers in his ear. “Billy, I’m here. It’s okay. I’m not letting go. You’re okay.” He rests his cheek against the side of Billy’s head. “Come back to us, Billy. It’s okay.” He thinks about the fact that this is one of the biggest panic attacks that he’s seen Billy have. He looks up at Josh. “When he’s ready, can you guys help me get him back to the dorm? I can call Kyle after that, but I don’t want to risk not being able to control him on the way.”

Josh squats down next to them. “Grayson, my house is closer.”

Grayson shakes his head. “No, he needs to be somewhere familiar.”

Billy takes a deep shuddering breath and his sobbing slows until he’s only breathing harshly while turning to rest his head against Grayson’s shoulder. 

“There you go, Billy. Nice deep breaths.” This time when Billy moves to sit up, he allows it.

Josh stands and helps Billy to sit on the bench. Much to Grayson’s dismay, he sits next to him. “Billy, hey… I know that your apology is real, okay? I get it. And I appreciate it.”

Billy turns to look at him and keeps eye contact for a bit until his panic starts to diminish. He nods his head. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, man. I forgive you, okay? Like it never happened.”

Billy looks around and wipes his face as he looks at the others and then his eyes land on Grayson and his face crumbles with mortification. “Oh God…”

Grayson squats down in front of Billy and takes his hands. “No. Don’t hide. Nobody here thinks any less of you.” 

“That’s not saying much.” Billy frowns. 

It’s quiet for a bit and then Roy starts laughing and everyone turns shocked faces to him. “What? Man, that was funny. Seriously…” He grins at Billy. “You’re pretty funny. For a white guy.”

Billy stares at him, confused, and then grins. He starts to laugh, too. Pretty soon all of them are laughing and Billy sucks up the hilarity until he’s totally calm. “Hey… Uh… I am really sorry for everything I did and said the last time we met. My father didn’t like it when I had a friend who’s black and he just…” He shrugs. “He made sure I never had another friend like that and I just… it was easier to hate everyone like that than risk having someone taken from me again that I cared about.”

Grayson frowns as he hasn’t heard Billy really explain it that way before. “Billy, your dad can’t take anyone from you again. You’re an adult and I’m not afraid of him.”

“Yeah, fuck his bitch ass.” Matt winks. 

Billy smiles. “Thanks, man.” He looks over at Roy. “And you… you really didn’t deserve the stuff I said about you. My father… he hates certain types of people and when you did that, I just kept thinking that… well, the stuff my dad said was in the front of my brain.”

Roy nods. “I got it, Billy. I got me a hot woman at home and I like bouncing her around so you _are_ a pretty white boy, but I prefer the ladies.”

“Look, it’s not an excuse. I want you all to know that I believed that stuff when I said it. My dad may have taught it to me, but I’m the one that carried it on and that’s on me. Grayson and Kyle have helped me realize that I can think for myself and I don’t want to be like my dad. And my past experiences have shown me that nothing I believed before is real. I want to be… me.”

Craig nods. “Yeah, I get that. My old man was a son of a bitch. It was nice to make my own way. So good for you, Billy. You’ve got good people by your side. You can do this.”

Billy sighs. “Yeah, I think I can. I have a lot of past mistakes to face first, though.”

“Yeah, well this one is done, okay?” Roy smiles. “I’m good and I’m betting the others are, too.” The others nod their head in agreement.

Tell you what,” Matt smiles. “Maybe we all go out soon and get you hooked up with some sweet ass, huh?”

Grayson starts laughing. “Sorry. Just… you all going out. That would be a disaster.”

“Especially since I’m gay.”

It’s as if time stops and they all stare at Billy, including Grayson. Billy’s never said it. Not really. Grayson finally clears his throat. “Well… you really… kind of owned that.”

Billy shrugs. “Look, I act like I’m attracted to girls and sometimes I am. I appreciate how they look and all, but there’s one guy and… I mean I’m a bit… I mean I can’t stop thinking about him and his body and-“

“Well… that’s… yeah, man. That’s good.” Craig smirks. “Shit, we need to get you laid.”

Billy looks at him oddly. “For real? Like… you’re all okay with this?”

Josh laughs. “Hell, they’re already on the prowl for the next hardcore significant other for Grayson, but he won’t let them set him up. Congrats, man. You’re going to be their new obsession.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

After they get back to their dorm room, Grayson looks over at Billy. “Hey… are you really okay?”

Billy nods. “I think so. I have a better idea of what I need to apologize to Steve for when I see him. It’s not just about what I did. It’s about how my actions made him _feel_. I may not be able to take responsibility for what others have done to him, but I can own what I did to him and… it’s a lot. He didn’t deserve it. Just like I don’t deserve forgiveness, but you know… he’s going to give it to me. Part of me wants to tell him not to. I want to tell him that he’s better than that. Better than _me._ ”

Grayson starts changing into his pajamas. “What do you think he’d say?”

“What would _you_ say if it was you?”

“I’d say… I’d say that you made a mistake and I would never want you to think that you don’t deserve good things because it’s never too late to change and make amends.”

Billy tosses his things into the hamper. “There you go. That’s what he’d say.”

“Seriously?”

Billy nods. “Yeah, you’re like the same person.”

Grayson sighs. “Billy, I need you to know something. My brother… he died and I haven’t had anyone that has been a person that I care about as much as I did him. But… I do care about _you._ ”

Billy smiles. “Yeah? Wow, that really… I mean that means a lot to me... that you told me. I’ve never…” He sits down after pulling on a pair of sleep pants, not sure how to verbalize how much Grayson means to him other than trust him with something. “Hey Grayson, can I tell you something personal?”

Grayson comes over and sits down next to Billy. “Always.”

“I… I kind of tried to uh… I mean I wanted to be with someone and they… they turned me down and that’s okay. I didn’t expect him to go for it, but I was hoping that we could maybe… I Just wanted to be with someone I trusted to learn some things and he wasn’t really into it.”

“Who is it? Do I need to cut a bitch?”

Billy laughs. “No… No, nothing like that.”

“It’s okay. Kyle can be a bit dense.”

“I guess, but he-“ Billy looks at him wide eyed. “How did you know it was Kyle?”

“Seriously? You eye fuck him every time we’re around him.”

“I do _not_!” 

“You do.” 

Billy sighs and falls back on the bed, covering his face with his hands. “This is humiliating.”

“It’s really not. Kyle is attractive and I’m really not sure why he’s not all for this.”

“He doesn’t fuck guys unless he’s dating them.”

Grayson snorts out a laugh. “Really? Wow… that’s kind of sweet.”

Billy gives Grayson a side eye. “Really? It’s only sweet unless you want to stick your cock in his ass.”

“Whoa okay… that’s… vivid.” Grayson laughs. “I’m calling Kyle and have him come over and then I might make myself scarce.” He goes over to the phone.

Billy sits up quickly. “Oh God! I have to take a shower and… and do something with my hair and… oh Hell…” He rushes to get ready. 

Grayson shakes his head. “Damn drama queen.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

When Kyle gets there, Billy is showered and dressed in some comfortable sweats and a t-shirt. Grayson is completely dressed and ready to go out. 

Kyle looks at Grayson in confusion. “I thought… I mean aren’t we getting pizza and watching a movie?”

Grayson nods. “Yeah, they’re pretty busy so I’m just going to pick up the pizza. I’ll be back soon.” He heads out quickly. 

Kyle looks at the door and frowns and then turns to Billy. “Hey, um… about the other day…”

“Don’t. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have put you in that position.” Billy shifts his weight to his other foot. “You wanna sit down? I mean, you don’t have to sit down.” He sighs. “I like you. I know you don’t feel the same.” 

“That’s not it, Billy.”

“Then what is it? Is it because I slept with Jacob?”

“No! No, not at all. I know what that was about. You’re not exactly a slut.” He smirks. 

“Maybe not, but I get why it might bother you.”

“It doesn’t.” 

Billy sits down on his bed and looks up at Kyle. “Then what?”

Kyle sits down next to him. “Being with you could fuck a lot of stuff up. I think you’re a great guy, but I’m not sure if I’d make a very good boyfriend.”

“Why not?”

“First of all, you don’t like me like that. You think I’m attractive, but you’re not ready to be in a relationship with me.”

Billy stands, angry. “How do you know? Maybe I am. I’m not some shrinking violet or anything.”

“Billy, there’s someone else!”

Billy stops cold. “Oh. Oh, well… Oh.” He sits down again. “I thought… I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not important. He’s not interested. So I really do know how you feel. Rejection sucks.”

Billy nods. “Yeah, it’s not my favorite.” He looks over at Kyle. “So what’s the big deal?”

Kyle tilts his head in confusion. “How do you mean?”

“I mean… I like you, but you’re right… I’m not going to die without you. And you care about someone who doesn’t care about you in the same way. Why not just be with each other and either we’ll find something in each other that we didn’t expect or…”

“Or we break each others’ hearts and ruin friendships, especially with Grayson since he cares about both of us.”

Billy shakes his head. “We won’t hurt each other that way. At least I won’t hurt you that way. I’ll be honest with you if you can be honest with me. And you already told me there’s someone else and I’m still here.”

Kyle looks at him and his gaze travels to his lips. It’s been a long time since Kyle’s been intimate with anyone and he’s not sure if he trusts himself. “Billy, you don’t understand. I’m not sure if you should do this yet. You’re just figuring things out.”

“And that’s _my_ business. What are you so afraid of?”

“I’m afraid of…” He sighs and starts to pace. “I’m afraid of the person I care about not wanting to be with me at all, especially if I’m already with you. And I’m afraid that you’ll fall in love with me and I’ll hurt you.”

Billy stands in front of Kyle. “Wow, that’s quite and ego you’ve got there. Funny, Grayson was worried about the same thing….”

Kyle grips Billy’s upper arms lightly. “What if… what if _I’m_ the one who falls in love? And what if you’re the one who hurts me?”

“I won’t.”

“How can you be so sure?” 

Billy pulls out of his grip. “Because. That’s not something that’s going to happen to me. Nobody… I mean I’ve done things and nobody is ever going to…” He sighs. “I’m not the type of person someone falls in love with.”

Kyle watches him for a bit. “Do you really believe that about yourself?”

Billy shrugs a shoulder. “It’s reality.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not true. You’re attractive and insightful and you’re fighting so hard to be a better man.”

“You and Grayson said that you wanted my first time with someone to be special. I feel safe with you. Grayson is my best friend and there is nothing like that between us. But I felt something for you when I first looked at you. I know it sounds dumb, but… I thought you did, too, and-“ Billy doesn’t manage to get another word out as Kyle grabs his hand and hauls him against his chest and kisses him. 

Kyle grips Billy’s hair with one hand, while the other wraps around his waist and pulls him flush against him. He licks into his mouth and it isn’t long before he can feel Billy’s hardness against his leg. He moves his leg slightly and feels Billy’s breath hitch. He pulls back a bit. “Billy, Grayson is going to be back soon….”

Billy shakes his head. “No he’s not. He’s at your place. I’m supposed to call him when the coast is clear.”

Kyle takes a step back and smiles. “Smart.” He runs a hand through his hair and licks his lips. “I meant what I said, Billy. I don’t do this with someone I’m not in a relationship with.”

Billy nods in understanding. “So… you’re saying this isn’t happening.”

“I’m saying call Grayson and tell him he can come back, but that we won’t be here because I’m taking you to a movie in town.”

Billy smiles. “Yeah?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy looks around the large store and rolls his eyes as Grayson runs around like a big kid. He glances over to Kyle. “Do you think he’ll actually buy something this time?”

Kyle smiles. “Doubtful. He just likes to look.”

The Halloween themed store has sprung up recently in one of the nearby strip malls. Billy has to admit that he’s not interested that much in the holiday, especially considering that he hasn’t heard from the nerds at all. He’s still over a month away from seeing them and he doesn’t know if he is going to be able to keep up the momentum of his growth. 

The last couple of weeks have been interesting, to say the least. He quit basketball and talked to the finance office at the college. He was able to get assistance because of his grades in high school, but more because of his grades currently. Acing all of his mid-terms hadn’t hurt. Kyle is still fuming about his one B and he’d had to curl up in Grayson’s bed with him for a week after the C on his Biology exam. It was only after a long talk with Kyle, Josh, Craig, Roy, and Matt that the plan to take Grayson to a Halloween shop was brought up. 

So now they’re watching Grayson run around like a maniac trying to figure out what costume he wants. Billy gets hauled over to rack after rack and finally decides on his own costume. He looks over at Kyle. “Hey, you need to pick one, too. There is a pretty awesome Halloween party in your dorm and you won’t be able to escape it.”

Kyle laughs. “We’ll see.”

Grayson pulls out a Ghostbusters outfit. “Kyle! You should wear-“

“No.” 

Grayson pouts. “You’re like a Halloween Grinch.”

Billy laughs. “Oh God, Grayson, you’re so funny. What is it about this holiday for you?”

Grayson smiles and it’s not a goofy one. “I guess.. you know, my brother and I would dress up and it was so much fun and then we would go together to get candy. It was just a time to use our imaginations and it felt really good. It was his favorite holiday so now it’s mine, too.”

Kyle sighs softly. “So… I can probably find an old sheet and cut some holes in it. I like that idea and it’s easy to put on.”

Billy puts his arm around Grayson. “Think I’d make a good looking rock star?”

“You already do.” Grayson hugs Billy and then pulls out a cape. “Vampire…”

Billy shakes his head. “Unbelievable.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The party is a bad idea. Billy knows it as soon as he walks in. He swears that someone is there dressed _as_ Steve Harrington, but then he realizes that it’s that fucking character from when he first officially met the other boy. The night that he beat his keg stand record. He walks around in a cape and with fake teeth and blood on his mouth and all he can think is that he’s fake, too. He doesn’t even know what Steve is doing tonight. He’s hoping that he’s back in Hawkins and taking the nerds out. Billy smiles gently. He knows by now the kids have made sure everyone knows what he did. It’s bad for Billy, but good for Steve and he wants to give him that back. He genuinely wants Steve to be with the kids tonight and he wants him to be relieved that the nightmare is over. 

He also does not want to be at this party. There are too many people and too many memories and Jacob winked at him earlier and he could only wave awkwardly at him. He also can’t immediately recognize people and he has a weird feeling that his dad is there spying on him. He knows it’s paranoid, but it’s there so he can’t really fight it since he can’t prove it isn’t true. 

He steps back as a person in a scary clown outfit jumps at him. He tries to find Grayson the Jedi of the night and can’t among the sea of bodies. Just when he’s pretty sure the crowd is going to close in on him, he’s pulled away from the noise and chaos and finds himself outside the building. He takes a deep breath and then looks at who pulled him out. 

Kyle pulls the sheet over his head and smiles at him. “You alright?”

Billy nods. “I am now.”

Kyle move forward, but doesn’t kiss him. Not here. Not so in the open. 

“Grayson is staying in my room tonight.”

“He is?”

Kyle nods. “I thought… we could go back to your room.”

“Why?” He stands there as Kyle gives him a look that says he’s waiting for Billy to figure it out. Finally he does. “Oh! Oh… really? Tonight?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, I think maybe it’s time. But Billy, no false expectations. We’re… we’re together and we’re having fun, but-“

Billy holds up a hand to stop him. “I know. I get it. We’re not picking out china patterns. I like you. I trust you. I want this.”

Kyle smiles. “Then let’s go.”

By the time they make it to the room, Billy is feeling sweaty from the unusually warm October night. “Shower first, okay?”

Kyle nods. “Me, too.”

“Nobody is upstairs. They all headed out for the party before we did. So… you can use that hall shower. Nobody should need in there.”

“Will do.”

Billy spends time in the shower making sure he is extremely clean. He doesn’t want Kyle to regret being with him. He’s nervous, too. He can’t keep the experience with Jacob out of his head, but tries to remember Grayson’s words that it’s different when you’re with someone who cares about you.

He dries off and heads to his room. He pulls on a fresh pair of sweats and waits for Kyle to return. He doesn’t have to wait for long as Kyle walks in with a towel from Grayson’s closet wrapped around him.

“Hey.”

Billy smiles nervously. “Hi. Uh… that’s Grayson’s favorite.”

“Oh, well.. I didn’t have a towel so…”

“It’s okay. I’m sure he won’t care.”

Kyle puts his things down and walks over to Billy. “Everything alright?”

Billy nods. “Maybe a little scared.”

“Of me?”

“No, that I will be a disappointment.”

Kyle laughs. “Never.” He kisses the corner of Billy’s mouth. “I want to suck you.”

Billy groans and Kyle is pretty sure that is one of the sexiest sounds he’s ever heard. 

Billy nods. “Yes… please…”

Kyle smiles. “Such manners…” He sinks down to his knees and pulls Billy’s sweats down far enough to free him. He looks up at Billy, who is staring back. He darts his tongue out to lick at the slit there and Billy shudders at the sensation and the visual. Kyle continues to play with the blonde, even sucking on the head and then pulling off, until Billy is panting and begging for release. Kyle sucks him down all the way then, letting Billy’s cock hit the back of his throat. He pulls off and then begins a steady rhythm.

Billy starts to fall apart. “Kyle yes… please Kyle… please don’t stop. God, I want you to fuck me. Please… please be my first. Please…” He cries out as he climaxes hard and whimpers when he realizes that Kyle is still sucking him down. His knees start to buckle and Kyle comes up quickly in order to support his lover. “That was… really awesome.”

Kyle smiles. “I’m glad you think so.” He kisses him and pushes him back toward a bed. “I’m going to fuck you this time, but you can always switch things up whenever you want. I don’t mind either. And we don’t even have to do that if you don’t want Sex is much more than penetration.” 

“I know, but I really want this.”

Kyle nods his head once in understanding. “Then lie down, okay? And take off those pants.”

Billy gets comfortable while Kyle gets what he needs from the bag he had brought over earlier when he and Grayson had planned this evening for Billy. Billy looks over at him. “I’m not sure what to do.”

“Nothing. Let me take care of you, baby.” 

Billy stares up at the ceiling, terrified, but soon Kyle is whispering how good he’s doing and kissing his stomach gently and the time moves slowly and quickly all at once, making Billy feel as if he’s floating between times or something similar. He takes Kyle’s fingers well, but when Kyle finally begins pushing forward, the tension returns. It’s more soft whispers praising him that finally allows him to relax enough for Kyle to push forward. He muses over the fact that Grayson was right and it does feel pretty good when it’s with someone that he trusts. 

Later, when they fall asleep tangled in each others’ arms, he pretends that he didn’t look up into Kyle’s eyes and see someone else staring back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me! I promise this is Billy/Steve eventually. But Billy still has some growing to do and I think that it's pretty natural to try out a relationship on a more intimate level before he goes back to Hawkins. Please leave any notes you want if you have some ideas for me or anything at all. I love hearing what others think when they read the stories.


	19. Two Months Ago - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get worse for Steve because of course they do. MIND THE TAGS and see beginning notes for more detail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this took me awhile. I have had so much of this written for so long, but I needed to connect all of it into something more useful. It was painful writing this chapter, although this was the idea that started it all. My heart broke a little with this. Please make sure you understand the tags. There is a graphic rape scene in this and it's not written in such a way that anything is implied. This isn't even the worst it's going to get. I know. You're trying to figure out how the hell it can get worse, but it can. And again it was an idea that started toward the beginning. It was never supposed to be in the same story, but here we are. Again, please mind the tags. It is not for the faint of heart and this can easily trigger someone. Hell, it triggered ME and I'm the one writing it. So be gentle with yourself. Summary is in the end notes if you can't get through this chapter. Also, homophobic slurs and misuse of spirituality.

Father Purcell frowns as he listens to the man on the other end of the phone. “Yes, Mr. Harrington, I understand. Steve is progressing well. I think it would be a mistake to take him out this soon. He shows a high chance of relapse right now. Our program will help him battle that.”

“Maybe, but people are asking questions back in Hawkins. It’s starting to create a bit of a buzz and I don’t like that,” Steve’s father says. 

“Tell you what. How about if I keep him here for now and refund you the rest of what you gave me minus the time he’s been here?”

“You’d do that?”

“Of course! Saving your son’s soul is far more important than money.” Father Purcell smiles, knowing he has the man where he wants him. “We’re a new facility and Steve would be our first… failure if we don’t work hard. You’d be doing me a favor to let us work with him a bit longer.”

“Fine, but right now we’re making arrangements to be finished with him, especially since the police chief keeps contacting my office. I’m cutting my losses in Hawkins. He’ll have a sizable account that could keep him happy and comfortable for the rest of his life as long as he isn’t buying expensive cars and going on shopping sprees in Chicago. And I’m leaving him the house with another very large account to handle bills and expenses.”

“That is _very_ generous, sir.”

“It’s not about generosity. I don’t think you understand how much I want to erase this chapter from our family history. My older brother had a son before his death. My wife and I have spoken to him and he would enjoy our family support of him as his parents are both deceased. He is in agreement with me that Steve is not worthy of the Harrington name so I’ve left him all of this with the understanding that ‘Harrington’ can no longer be associated with him. He’ll have six months to change it or he’ll lose everything. And this way the Harrington name will go on the way it should, with my nephew.”

“He _is_ your son, though. I’m surprised you’re being so… cold.”

Mr. Harrington sighs. “Look, I’m sure I seem cruel, but the fact is that my wife and I… we should never have become parents. We weren’t ready to adjust our lives to accommodate a child and Steve… he will certainly be better off without us around to continue to ruin things for him. I am glad he found your program. I was enraged the night I confronted him. And I was drunk and my wife was so high on valium…Anyway, all of the calls I’m getting prove that he doesn’t belong in this family. He’s too… maybe he’s too good for it. Regardless, my wife and I need to move on and he will probably want to do the same.”

Father Purcell grins. “I understand. Oh, and the gentleman you gave me permission to talk to, about your son’s recovery… yes, we’ve spoken. I am certain that Steve will have support when he returns to Hawkins.”

A few more pleasantries and then Father Purcell is hanging up and making plans for the next several weeks. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Steve wakes up and goes through his routine, as always. He is led to Father Purcell’s office and waits for the men to come in so he can pleasure them and hopefully get a nap before lunch. He doesn’t realize that he’s rocking back and forth until the Father puts his hand on his shoulder and orders him to stop moving. 

Steve turns dead eyes up to the other man and waits patiently. At some point in the last couple of weeks, his mind has come back to him a bit. It’s happened a few times during his stay here. His brain will leave for awhile and then return. Each time, Steve’s fight is renewed. But when his mind checks out, he becomes vulnerable again. Steve isn’t sure which he prefers since fighting does him no good and being compliant makes him sick once he’s in his right mind again. 

Purcell shakes his head. “This won’t do at all. You’ve become complacent. I need you to really understand what’s wrong with you.”

“I do.”

“Oh, do you?”

Steve shrugs. “Pretty sure it’s you.”

Purcell is unable to hide his shock. “Excuse me?”

Steve glares at the man. “I want to leave. Now.”

“Do not speak to me in that tone.”

“Or what? I’m already your personal whore. And how much money am I pulling in for you? You’re not a priest! You’re a _pimp_!” His fragile hold snaps and he’s up and lunging for the older man before he can process what’s happening. It’s as if he sees everything from a distance and as his hands wrap around the Father’s throat he is partially horrified and partially pleased at the idea that he has the power to end this man’s existence. 

But then hands are on him and pulling him away and he’s screaming because he wants to kill this man more than he’s ever wanted anything. If he kills a man here there are only two choices left. Either he’s killed, too, and his agony is over, or he goes to prison where he at least stands a chance of surviving.

As Father Purcell coughs, his hand clutching his throat, he points toward the door. “Shed…” He croaks out. 

Steve stops struggling for a moment because he’s been here for a long time and he’s never heard of this before. He stares at the man as he’s dragged out. When he’s pulled outside, he immediately starts to fight again, kicking and blindly punching. There is a pain-filled grunt and the grip on him loosens enough so he can break free. He stumbles, but manages to get his feet under him. He hits the chain link fence and begins to climb only to be dragged roughly back down by his foot. He hits the ground and knocks the wind out of himself. By the time he catches his breath, he’s back in the iron grip of his captors. He’s dragged toward a shed in the back of the yard and further away from the main house. He watches as Victor opens the door and Steve is surprised to see there is a landing and stairs that go down. 

Steve begins to pull back again. _They’re going to force me to live underground! Nobody is ever going to find me down there!_

He tries to throw the men off balance, but only succeeds in tumbling down the stairs as they shove him roughly. When he lands on the cellar floor, he groans and tries to stand up. He gives up at the pain in his knee and waits until he hears the men coming down the stairs. They drag him over to another door and open that. Steve frowns at what he sees inside. As Victor throws him into the room, Marcus gruffly tells him to get used to his new home for the next two months. 

_Two months? So no more evaluations…_

He looks around and frowns as the only thing in this room is a large mattress in the corner. He touches it gently and marvels at the fact that it is clearly a new purchase. He looks over in the other corner and sees a door. He gets himself up and limps over to the door. When he opens it, he finds a very simple bathroom. It’s very similar to what he had in the basement of the main house. He tries to find the source of light in the room and finally sees bulbs in the corners of the room. There is a transparent material between him and the bulbs, though, so he’s unable to mess with anything involving the wiring.

He limps over to the mattress and drops down, ready to take some time to sleep. He looks over at the door and registers that there is a smear of paint on the edge. He briefly wonders if someone considered painting the door and decided not to or if that is just the color the door was before and it’s all that’s left. The knob is metal and there is a chip in it. The idea of something between him and the world outside is comforting and he falls asleep soon after he lies down, mentally exhausted from all that has happened. He is also resigned to staying for two months more.

When he wakes up, he has no idea how to tell what time of day it is and he’s not sure that he cares. He feels more and more of himself fading away and he tries to grasp at the wisps of his personality, but it’s as if he can do nothing but watch it all slip through his fingers. 

He finally gets into the shower because he is curious if the water is warm. It is and he allows himself to cry. He doesn’t get a chance to be alone enough to benefit him emotionally. But now he has a minute to really process all of the things he’s being put through. He hadn’t been able to make sense of much of anything in all the time he’s been here, but little by little he’s fighting back. He is pretty sure that he’s only getting used to things. Going to prison for killing Purcell doesn’t bother him because he knows he’s got a skilled mouth and can probably get the protection of anyone he wants. He laughs harshly because he is actually considering himself luck for knowing how to suck cock good enough to keep him safe in a fucking prison. The laughter turns into sobs as he slides down the shower wall to the floor. He buries his face in his knees and wishes that he had parents who would hold him when this is all over, to help him regain some sanity. But he doesn’t have parents like that. He has parents who decided to send their son to a torture chamber for six months. 

By the time he’s able to get up and head out of the shower, he sees that his scrubs are gone and there are only a pair of sleep pants in their place. His eyes widen and he’s trying to remember if he heard someone in the room, but he knows that he was falling apart enough that he hadn’t noticed his surroundings. He knows that’s dangerous. He’s been at the mercy of these fuckers too long. If they think that he’s going to remain their passive little bitch, they have another thing coming. He goes out into the main room after pulling the pants on. Just when he’s getting the familiarity of anger back, he hears noise on the stairs. He goes over to the mattress and sits, willing himself to stay calm in case they’re just bringing him more scrubs. 

The door opens and Victor and Marcus are standing there. They stare at each other for what seems like forever, but then Victor chuckles and elbows Marcus gently in the side. When Marcus smirks, Steve becomes very aware that they’re sharing some sort of personal joke and he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t find it funny. 

As the men close the door and start moving toward him, he backs up more and more on the mattress until his back is against the wall. His eyes dart around, attempting to figure out if there is another escape, but there is only the door they came through. Regardless, he takes his chance and lunges toward the door. He makes it to the edge of the mattress before the men have their hands on him and are trying to restrain him. 

Steve struggles against the hands on him and tries to catch his breath. He knows that he’s been tortured before and that he’s been used for sexual activity, but this feels like something different. This feels more dangerous and the terror welling up inside of him is acute. He fights harder as he feels a hand at his waist band and finally finds his voice. Allowing Father Purcell to touch him was difficult, but he adjusted. Now he’s not so sure what’s going to happen as these men are not nearly as calm and relaxed as the Father and he’s thinking they might not be as gentle, either. The fear is overwhelming as the reality of what’s about to happen to him comes crashing in. Despite everything he’s been through, something had always been in the back of his mind that _this_ would never be a line that is crossed. The agony of the discovery that he’s wrong floods him. 

“Oh God please… Please no!”

Victor snickers. “You think God will save you, you fucking faggot? God is the one who commanded us to save you and we’re going to do it whether you like it or not.”

Steve sobs brokenly as his pants are pulled down. He hears Marcus tell Victor to hold him and he screams as the larger man plants his meaty hand on his back to hold him down. He feels his ass cheeks being spread open and he struggles again. “No!” He moans as if he’s dying as he hears and feels Marcus spit on his hole. “Please… please I’ve never… Please don’t… please.” He tries to appeal to their humanity, but his hopes are dashed quickly. 

Marcus laughs. “A virgin? Yeah… well after this, you’ll never want a man again and maybe you’ll finally be worth the body that God blessed you with.” He spits a few more times and then pulls a condom on for a little more ease. He foregoes preparation and moves to slam into the boy underneath him, the condom only allowing him to avoid his own pain. He grunts with the effort that it takes to shove into him. 

Steve screams at the burning pain. He scrambles to escape what feels like a hot iron stabbing through his guts. He flails and tries to find purchase with his hands to pull him away, but the hand on his back won’t allow him to move. He continues to scream as the man behind him starts to move at a punishing pace. He’s not sure when he stops breathing, but there is no way for Steve to cope with the pain. As he finds the oxygen stuck in his chest, the pain increases. He panics when he recognizes that his body has completely seized up. He can’t breathe at all and the pain only gets worse. He knows he’s about to pass out with the lack of oxygen, but then he’s being flipped onto his back and Victor is hitting him in the chest. 

“Breathe, fucker!” 

He gasps then and screams again and again, his pained cries mixing in flawlessly with their laughter.

“You interrupted my fun, jackass!”

“Come on, Marcus, you really want to literally fuck him to death? The Father would have our heads.”

Marcus waves off the concern and leans over Steve. “This is better. I can see your face and make sure you’re not getting off on this.” He slams home again and Steve wails. 

Steve looks up as Marcus wraps his hand around his throat. He watches Marcus snap his hips and feels it deep within his body. The pain only increases and it’s only then that he realizes that he’s not screaming because he physically can’t. He starts to claw at the hand at his throat, but then Marcus is moving faster and his breath is coming in short bursts. The cry that comes out of Marcus’ mouth is far different than the ones coming from Steve. When Marcus pulls quickly out of him, Steve gasps at the burn and the sharp pain from where he knows he’s damaged. He tries to catch his breath, but then Victor is there and he’s lying on the mattress, pulling Steve over him. 

Steve sobs and then groans in pain as Victor pulls him down on top of him, spearing him on what Steve can only describe as a giant cock. He gags as the man slams Steve down hard and Steve is certain that he has never felt so much pain in his life. He starts to go limp and Victor doesn’t seem to care as he continues to move Steve over him. When he finally climaxes, Steve feels no relief that it’s over. As the fluid hits his internal tears, he screams anew. When he can’t stop, Marcus threatens to shut him up. The last thing he sees before the darkness overcomes him is Marcus’ fist coming toward his face. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He used to cry and scream. 

He used to slam himself against the door over and over. 

He used to beg for mercy. 

Now Steve stares at the door and waits for someone to come in and cause him more pain. And he tries not to be sickened at the fact that Victor and Marcus are only two of many who come to him. The first time Father Purcell shoved his withered dick up his ass, Steve vomited for an hour afterward. It shocks him how many men are willing to pay to shove their dicks into unwilling partners. 

Other thoughts run through his head, but he can’t connect to them. He just sits. And stares. And does nothing. Time means nothing. His thoughts mean nothing. He’s existing in this space and when they come, because they always do, he will scream because it will hurt him. But when it’s over, he’ll continue to stare at the door. He’ll be grounded slightly by the pain and he’ll shift his body sometimes to achieve a goal, whatever it may be. If he wants to connect with reality, he’ll move so he can feel the sharp burn. If not, he’ll make himself as comfortable as he can so his mind can blissfully drift away until that door… until that useless fucking door with the smear of white paint on the edge and the chipped metal on the knob… opens again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically the two large men that Steve has been dealing with at the facility take him to an outdoor cellar of sorts and rape him. More men come to do the same thing and Steve is beginning to realize (again) that Father Purcell is most likely making money off of him. Father Purcell also rapes him and soon Steve feels that his assaults are his only existence by the time he stops fighting and becomes resigned (again) to his new fate.


	20. One Month Ago - Billy (Part I)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy talks to the Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been waiting to write this for so long and I decided to add another part to this chapter because telling the kids isn't good eough. I need him to make some serious amends so it should be a two parter and then on to Steve's final month of hell.

Billy checks his reflection again in the side mirror until Kyle finally pulls the car over. He glances in the rearview mirror at Grayson. “Gray, you’d better talk your boy down.”

“How is he _my_ boy? _You’re_ his boyfriend!”

“Friends with benefits!” both Kyle and Billy say in unison.

Grayson rolls his eyes. “Whatever. Why did we stop anyway?”

“Because I can’t handle how nervous Billy is.”

Billy frowns. “I’m not nervous.” He sighs. “It’s Thanksgiving break, man… what if Steve is in town? I mean… I know he’ll be in town. I just meant what if I see him? What if he sees me? Should I talk to him or hide or what? He’ll probably beat the shit out of me and that’s okay, but… it won’t be enough so I’m not sure just how much I’ll need to take before I can… I mean before I can even _start_ to make up for anything.”

“Billy, what you did is… I mean it’s unforgiveable to some. You know that, right?”

Billy looks over at Kyle and nods. “Yeah, I know. I’m trying to get all of this nervous energy out before I see anyone. I mean even I think it’s unforgiveable. I’m only going back to take whatever they all dish out.”

Grayson frowns. “You sound like you’re a lamb being led to the slaughter.”

“Well yeah… I am. Think about it. None of this is about me feeling better. I mean… fuck that. I’m there to take anything they need to give me so _they_ can feel better.”

Grayson leans forward. “Billy, we’re not going to let them hit you. We discussed this. Encouraging your father’s actions by allowing it in others is counterproductive.”

“No.” Billy fidgets a bit. “The difference is they’re justified. Let them hit me. Let them beat me down. It might make up for a tiny bit of what I did. Fuck… someone might as well hold me accountable. Steve won’t…”

Kyle shakes his head. “I don’t think I believe anyone is _that_ good.”

Billy frowns. “Well _he_ is and…” He starts to take some deep breaths. “I gotta get out.” He opens the door and stumbles away from the car. He drops to his knees and fists his hands in his hair as he bows over his knees and sits back on his heels. The tears come quickly then and he starts shaking and doesn’t even notice when Kyle and Grayson are on either side of him until he gasps in a few more breaths and can finally breathe in one full breath without choking on the air. He wipes his eyes and leans against Grayson. “Sorry.”

Grayson sighs. “See? This is why I’m not sure this is a good idea. You’re all worked up over seeing these people…”

“No, that’s not it. I just… When I think about what I did to him and how… how fucking _good_ he is to people… What type of fucking asshole does that? Me, that’s who. I shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe the same air he does. I hurt him for no reason other than I suck.”

Kyle helps Billy up. “Come on, man. You’re on the verge of self-pity and that’s not you. You fucked up, yeah, but you’re not going to help anyone heal if you stay here on the side of the road all day.”

Grayson follows them. “Do you have to be suck a jerk about it, Kyle?”

“No, he’s right. Steve has been through more shit than I have because of this. I deserve whatever it is I need to deal with.”

Kyle puts Billy in the backseat and orders him to rest until they get to Hawkins and check into their hotel since they refuse to stay with anyone else.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max sits in front of the phone and waits for it to ring. It only gets a half ring in before she’s holding it to her ear. “What?”

“Max, it’s Grayson. We’re here.”

Max sighs. “Lovely. Well don’t expect me to be excited about it. You can bring him to the Byers’ house tomorrow morning at 10.”

“So early?”

“Yeah, we want to get this over with so he can go and never come back.” She hangs up and goes to her room just as Neil walks in. She looks over at him as he goes into his bedroom and starts rummaging around. She shrugs and goes into her own room to sleep since she has to gather everyone up early enough in the morning that they can prepare to see Billy again. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy sits in the car and stares up at the house. “I’ve never been so scared in my life.”

Grayson looks over at him, having driven this morning. “We can leave right now.”

“No, we can’t and we won’t.” Kyle opens his door and leans forward. “Billy did something awful. It’s time he face it. Stop giving him an out. I know you’re his friend, but if you really care about him, you’ll let him deal with the consequences.”

Billy watches Kyle get out of the car and walk toward the house. “He’s right, Gray. I know you care about me and you’re easily the best friend I’ve ever had, but… I have to do this. And you have to promise not to interfere.”

Grayson grips the steering wheel and then nods. “Fine. I don’t like it, though.” He opens his own door and walks to the front of the car and waits for Billy to join him. When he does, they walk together up to the door, which is opening to Kyle’s knock. 

It doesn’t take long for them to figure out how the visit is going to go as a red haired blur hits Kyle hard and races straight toward Billy. Grayson can only stand there as Kyle stumbles to the ground and takes a breath as Billy is warding off blows to his face from a girl who can’t be more than 13 or 14. He moves to pull her off, but suddenly can’t move at all. “What the fuck?”

A young girl walks out of the house and toward Max and Billy, who has put his hands down to take the blows. She puts her hand on Max’s shoulder. “Enough.” Her voice is soft but commands attention and Max stops as if the girl’s voice drained all the anger from her. The girl holds her hand toward Grayson. “El.”

Grayson can move again and he hesitantly shakes her hand. “Uh… Grayson.” He motions toward Kyle, who has finally gotten up and is holding his hands up in surrender as a boy with curly hair brandishes a bat with nails in it. “That’s Kyle. He’s Billy’s friend, too.”

Max stands up and glares at Billy and then Grayson. “He doesn’t have friends. He only has victims.”

Billy finally gets a good luck at Max and sees the split lip. “Shit…”

Max looks down at him and then laughs harshly. “Yeah, you like it? I make a good placeholder, Billy? You walk away and I get to step into your fucked up role.” She kicks him in the hip. “I hate you!” She runs back into the house and slams the door. 

Billy sits up on his elbows and studies El for a moment. When Grayson attempts to help Billy up off the ground, Billy waves him off. “Pretty sure I don’t deserve anyone’s help right now.” He wipes off some of the blood from under his nose and stands up. He looks over at Dustin and Kyle and then back at El. “Kyle didn’t do anything wrong.” 

El nods and then turns toward the house and starts walking, beckoning Billy and Grayson to follow. She glances at Dustin and puts her hand on his upper arm gently. “Friend.” 

Dustin turns and glares at Billy, who stops and glances at the bat. “I don’t blame you for wanting to slam that into my face.”

Dustin shrugs. “Not where I was thinking of burying it.”

Billy nods. “Right… message received.” He hangs his head and walks in behind El. He looks up to see a lot of people sitting around in the Byers’ living room. He’s about to say something when he’s tackled to the ground and he feels fingernails scratching at his face and the screams of someone saying something about killing him and calling him a monster. As the person is pulled off of him, he stares in shock as Hopper tries to hold Joyce Byers back. 

She points at Billy. “Do you even understand what you did? I _hurt_ him! I took his kids away from him and that’s on _you_! My son _needed_ him and Steve helped to save his life and you… you did _nothing_ except delay him from doing what he needed to in order to save my son and you almost fucked it up and now you do _this_?” She struggles against Hopper’s grip and she finally pulls away when he makes her promise that she won’t go after the boy again. She walks away and holds her hand up to ward off anyone who wants to check on her. She goes over to the table and sits down, lighting a cigarette and trying to calm herself down. 

Hopper frowns. “I think you’d better talk and explain what you need to tell us. I can only keep you safe for so long from her.”

Billy nods and then gestures to Grayson and Kyle. “Um… these are my friends. Grayson and Kyle. They helped me understand that I did something… horrible and I have to do something to try and help people who were hurt by my actions.” He takes a deep breath and tells them about the scholarship. He watches as Jonathan’s face crumbles. 

Jonathan doesn’t cry, but his eyes are wet. “How could you? You weren’t here. You don’t know how hard he worked to be good at that game. I remember seeing him at late practices. He was always in the gym and out running and… I don’t get it. How could you? He worked his ass off and you took that from him… why?”

Billy shakes his head. “Because I was an asshole. I don’t know.”

Lucas comes up on him fast. “Are you kidding me? You don’t get to say ‘I’m an asshole’ and think that explains everything! We _know_ you’re an asshole, but that doesn’t mean you get a free pass to do shitty things to people we care about. We haven’t seen Steve since all of this went down and he left town. Not a phone call. Not a letter. Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Billy looks over at Max. “He was at that resort…”

Hopper sighs. “A resort that I can’t find. It doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t contact someone here. I can’t even reach his parents.”

“Don’t do that. His parents are… not great people.” Billy shoves his hands in his pockets. He tells them about his lie regarding Steve trying to touch him and that gets some frustration from the others as the rumor had turned into Steve actually touching him. “I never said that. I said that he tried to kiss me. Or something lame like that. The rumor mill took off with it.”

Mike sits down on the couch and puts his arm around Max, who is crying openly. “My mom came on to you, right?” At Billy’s nod, he continues. “She used to come on to Steve, too, but he shot her down all the time. She was pissed. So when this happened, you handed her a golden opportunity and she took it.” He gets up and picks up a piece of paper from the table and then slams it into Billy’s chest. “This is the shit that everyone knows about Steve Harrington now. My _mother_ did this! Understand something… I know that you’re not personally responsible for this, but you don’t get to wash your hands of it, either. You may not have fired the gun, but you handed my mom the weapon. And anything that happens to him because of this? It’s on you for being so careless with his life.”

Billy takes the paper crushed against his chest and looks at it. He pales. “Oh my God…”

Dustin leans forward, his head in his hands. He’s too sad to say much of anything as Billy confirms what he’s known this whole time, that Steve was a victim of Billy Hargrove for no other reason than high school rivalry. The thought hurts him to his core and he can barely think past the pain in his heart for his friend. 

El whispers something to Hopper and he nods. “Okay, Billy. We’re going to go outside to get some air. You can stay in here and talk to the kids. They each should have a chance to ask you questions.   
“That’s fine, but I didn’t finish telling you everything.”

Will’s eyes widen. “There’s _more_?”

Billy nods. “It’s why I said not to call his parents.” He recounts what he heard the night he went to Steve’s house and admits to his own inaction. “I’m… There’s really nothing I can say.”

Jonathan glares at him and helps his mother out the door as he wants to make sure she’s calm enough to not physically attack Billy again and it helps him to not attack him, also. The others follow, still stunned, and soon Billy is alone with Grayson and Kyle. Kyle pulls Billy in for a hug. “You’re doing great. Remember, this can’t be about you seeking forgiveness. This is all about you taking your punishment.”

“I know. I’m just not sure there’s any punishment that fits this crime.”

Grayson glances over at Kyle. “Maybe we shouldn’t leave him in here.”

Billy kisses Kyle gently and then looks at Grayson. “You need to let me do this. I can’t carry this guilt anymore. I need for people to know the type of person I am.”

“But you’re not that person anymore!” 

Billy walks away from Kyle and takes Grayson’s hand. “I am, though. Maybe I’ve tried to change, but at some point, that guy who walked away from a kid in pain and who accused him of some pretty vile stuff… that was me. It still is, somewhere deep down. I can’t blame anyone else for it, not even Neil.”

Before Grayson can protest again, Kyle takes Grayson’s arm. “Let’s go. We’ll be here for him afterward.” He drags Grayson out and Billy sits down on the couch and looks around. It looks different, more domestic, than the last time he was here and beating Steve’s face in. He runs a hand through his hair. He knew this was going to be difficult, but he never thought he’d feel so unsure. It was as if he was expecting some epic dramatic meeting only to find that nobody knows how to express _that_ much emotion so they all tap their feet and fidget and fight their own expectations to be honest with those feelings. And then the problem becomes identifying the feelings and all seems lost again so there are only awkward silences and anger outbursts. 

When the door opens, he looks up into the face of Dustin. He’s not sure whether the boy will rip into him figuratively or literally, but he knows he deserves both. He stands up and waits to see where Dustin will lead him. He’s surprised when Dustin sits on the opposite side of the couch and gestures for him to sit. Billy isn’t sure whether he should speak first or keep his mouth shut. 

Dustin answers that question quickly. “I need you to stay quiet for right now.” Dustin continues looking straight ahead and not at Billy. “The others and I talked before you got here about how we wanted to hurt you. Beating you up seemed like a good idea. But then we thought we’d scream at you and tell you what an awful person you are and threaten you if you ever thought to come back here again.”

Billy bites his lower lip and knows that he expected this, but he didn’t expect it to come out of Henderson’s mouth in such a calm and sad tone. 

“But then we decided that isn’t what Steve would want. He’s always been really _good_ , you know? No, I guess you don’t know, but I'm going to talk to you about how good he is and maybe when I'm finished, nobody will punish you more than you and that… that’s justice.”

Billy swallows past the lump in his throat and he knows Dustin is right. There’s no way to play the victim if the hatred comes from within. 

“I talked to Steve about a crush I had. He didn’t tease me. He helped me. He didn’t even know me. Not really. I was just looking for someone to help me with something and ran into him. He didn’t even hesitate. And when we faced something dangerous, he made sure I was back far enough so that he could protect me. He taught me how to take pride in my appearance. And when the shit really hit the fan, when monsters came for us and the bait we set down, he’s the one who walked out into the open to draw them out. He was willing to die and when one of them came at Max, he got in front of her.”

Billy frowns, having no clue what Dustin is talking about with monsters, but he figures it doesn’t really matter. The point is that Steve Harrington is better than Billy will ever be. 

“Then you tried to kill him and we took him to the place where we had come up with the stupidest fucking plan ever. It was dangerous, like… we could have all died. So we carried through with this plan. And it was underground and cramped. Steve insisted on going first even though he could barely stand and all he really had was a flashlight, but he said he couldn’t let any of us get hurt on his watch. But then everything turned and these… these things were coming right at us. He lifted all of us up to get us out first. There’s no way he didn’t think he was going to die, but he had to save us. And when there was no time left, when it was just me and him… he held me. He tried to shield me from the teeth and…” Dustin takes a shaky breath. “I still have nightmares about that, but Steve… he told me he was fine, but I saw it… the look. I knew I was going to die when those things came at us, but Steve… Steve _planned_ to die just for the chance that I could survive. I can’t imagine what it takes to get to that point where you know there’s no option other than to step into the path of certain death.” He looks over at Billy finally. “You ever do something like that, Billy? You ever know for a fact that you’re going to sacrifice yourself for someone else? For people you barely know?”

Billy shakes his head and tries to keep quiet, but it’s hard because he wants to ask questions. Dustin seems to recognize this and crooks his finger at him to encourage him to talk. 

“Monsters?”

“I’m not getting into that with you. Just understand there are things out there that you don’t understand and that Steve willingly threw himself into so he could protect other people, and especially us.” He stands and looks back at Billy. “You know…He also kept telling me how great I was when I was always so down on myself. He insisted that I was a great guy who was worth his time and that anyone who didn’t care about me wasn’t worth my concern. He would have done the same for you if you’d given him a chance.” He walks out and leaves Billy feeling like the piece of shit he knows he is. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Jonathan comes in and gestures for Billy to get up and follow him to the kitchen. He looks over at the other boy. “I won’t sit with you on my couch. That’s for friends and family and you aren’t either of those things and you never will be.”

Billy nods. “I understand.”

“Do you? Because Steve sat on that couch at Christmas. He sat there after giving me a brand new camera to make up for breaking my old one. He had every right to break it. I was snapping pictures of Nancy while she was at his house. I didn’t make the best choices but he was forgiving. I even beat the shit out of him and he lost his best friend because he wanted to do the right thing. And when Nancy broke his heart, he trusted me to take care of her and then he helped my little brother even though I’d been the one she cheated on him with. Do you even understand the type of man he is? Because I don’t think you do. And now he’s never going to be the same. He’s been branded a predator by you. He never deserved that.” He takes a deep breath. “You should know that Nancy thinks that this is all crap, that he wanted you and that maybe he did make a move on you. You know that, though. You were at that party where she questioned him. The fact that you really said he was gay…”

“What’s wrong with being gay?”

Jonathan frowns. “Nothing, but Steve… he’s never indicated that he is.”

Billy shrugs a shoulder. “Neither did I.”

Jonathan stares at him for a bit and then smiles sadly. “I should have known.”

Billy’s eyes dart over to Jonathan’s face. “Should have known _what_?”

Jonathan stands up. “That Steve wasn’t the one with the crush.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson races in and pulls Billy in for a hug. “Okay, how are you holding up?” He checks him over for bruises and Billy gently pushes him away. 

“I’m okay, Gray. I’ve only seen two of them and they were pretty calm. Dustin told me that Steve is a hero and Jonathan told me that he’s the most forgiving guy I will ever meet. I hope that bodes well for me.”

“If you need me or Kyle, you just say the word, okay?”

Billy nods. “Thanks, Grayson. I owe you one.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy isn’t sure what he expected when he sees Max on her own, but he knows that he isn’t prepared for how much she reminds him of him when he was that age. “Oh Max… don’t do this.”

She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at him. “Do _what_?”

“Become like me.”

“I’m _nothing_ like you!”

“You’re _exactly_ like me.”

He isn’t sure when it happens, but they’re facing each other and they both have their fists clenched. The glares they shoot each other are identical and there is nothing but anger between them for a few moments, but then Billy’s eyes turn from angry to sad and his hand reaches out ever so gently. “Max… what did he do to you?”

She steps back just as Billy almost reaches her face. “Don’t touch me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear it! You _left_!”

“I’m not apologizing for that, Max. I won’t. You’ve dealt with his shit for months. I dealt with it for _years_!” 

“And so now it’s _my_ turn?”

“I never said that.”

“Then what _are_ you trying to say, Billy?”

He sighs. “I’m saying that I know that you feel like everything is caving in on you and you’re so angry and you don’t know what to do with it and it’s tearing you apart. And I know that you’re already desperate to escape and you’re not quite to the point where you would do _anything_ to escape, but you will one day. And you will never do anything as despicable as I did, but you _will_ surprise yourself with how much you _will_ do. Just to run… to escape him forever.” He swallows hard and turns away from her, refusing to let her see him cry. 

There is silence for a moment and then Max speaks softly. “I was going to tell Neil you stole his money?”

He turns then. shifts“What?” Billy’s eyes widen. 

“I wanted you to pay so I was going to steal money from Neil and say you stole it so he would have you arrested and you would have to stay here and you’d lose out on college.”

Billy takes a deep breath and lets it whoosh out slowly. “Wow, Max… that’s pretty bad. Not as bad as what I did, but bad.” He studies her. “What stopped you? Because something did and that means it’s not too late for you.”

She shrugs. “Neil’s not home. Can’t take money out of his wallet if it’s not here.”

“Oh… okay well…maybe it _is_ too late for you.” He frowns at his horrible attempt at a joke. 

Max glances up at him. “Apparently not. _You_ were able to have friends by your side. What a bunch of _shit_ , Billy! You don’t deserve friends. Steve protected me. He’s a good person and you fucked him over.”

“I know.” Billy frowns. “I really _do_ know, Max. I’m glad you put those pictures in my bag before I left for college. It made a big difference.”

She frowns. “What?”

He shrugs. “It meant something to me. I know you probably didn’t mean it that way, but that’s what happened. I saw them and I was a little annoyed, but then Grayson talked about how you were a cute kid and I thought… yeah, you are a cute kid. And I pissed all over the relationship we could have had.”

“That’s over now.”

He rubs his eyes as they start to fill with unshed tears. “I know. I’m so sorry. I’ll talk to Neil and maybe arrange for-“

“He’s not home.”

“I mean when he gets back.”

She shakes her head. “No, I mean he’s not home for like… a month.”

Billy frowns. “Wait, he’s gone for Thanksgiving _and_ Christmas?”

“No, just Thanksgiving. He said he’d be back by Christmas. I don’t really care. He gave me a parting gift this past weekend so fuck him.”

“Wait hold on. So he just up and left a few days ago. Where the hell is he going?”

She shrugs. “No idea.”

Billy takes a deep breath. “I’m going to talk to Susan. You’re not staying there anymore.”

“Don’t do me any favors!”

“I’m not.” Billy shifts his weight from one foot to the other. “I’m just… I’m trying to think of what I wish someone had done for me. I want to do everything I can to make sure you never become the same monster that I am. And I know it, okay? I know I’m a monster.”

“Like Neil?”

His eyes snap to hers. “Nothing like him, no.”

She crosses her arms over her chest. “Oh?”

“No, Max. I’m…” He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears away this time. “I’m _worse_ than him. I took my anger out on someone who didn’t deserve it.”

“I didn’t deserve it!”

“No, you didn’t, but I took my anger out on you, too. And I… I _did_ deserve it. I was a constant disappointment to him. He hated me and he showed me and I just… accepted it.”

She sits down. “I remember seeing it for the first time. You were no older than I am now.”

He hesitantly sits down next to her. “Max… I mean it. I’m worse than him. And saying that I’m sorry is shit. None of it matters. I can only try to make things better, but I know that I’ll never fix it. I’m going to talk to Susan. I’m going to get you out of there.”

She scoffs. “Whatever.”

He moves quickly and kneels in front of her. “Max, please…” He grips her hands and rests his head on her knees. “Please… you don’t have to ever talk to me again. You can hate me forever, but please…” He looks up. “Don’t turn away from an opportunity to escape now. Don’t stay until you get desperate and turn into a monster like I did. Please… please let me…”

She stares at him for a moment and begins to see the similarities. She doesn’t forgive him and she doesn’t understand how he could have been so cruel, but she starts to think that she’s on a path to understanding and that terrifies her. And here is Billy wanting to save her from being able to relate to him. She pulls a hand away and then strokes it through his hair. “You’re an awful person, you know that?”

He laughs through his tears. “Yeah… yeah, I know.”

“Will you stay for Thanksgiving and do some things to make sure people know what you did and what Steve _didn’t_ do?” 

Billy nods. “Anything. I mean it. Anything. And I’m going to bring Steve back to all of you. I don’t know where to start, but I’m going to do everything I can.”

Max stands and moves around Billy, still on his knees. She stops at the door and doesn’t turn to look at him. “If you talk to Susan, I’ll take the chance you’re offering. I won’t be like you, Billy. I hate you and I’m so tired of being angry at everyone. I can’t handle being angry at myself, too.”

She walks out.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He’s still kneeling in front of the couch when El walks in. She sits down next to the spot Max had vacated. He studies her for a moment and they both look at each other in complete silence. Finally she reaches forward and places her hand on his head. He thinks it is comforting, but he realizes quickly how wrong he is. He gasps and his eyes go wide as his mouth opens in a silent scream. He flails to try to gain purchase on reality. She lets go of him and he falls to the ground on his hands and knees and sucks in a few breaths, letting them out as sobs. “What… what the hell?”

El stands up. “Steve’s pain. Some of it. I can’t see him. I can’t find him. I can’t push past his pain. I can’t find him because you hurt him.” She walks out and Billy has no idea what she’s talking about, but he does know that he would be willing to slit his own throat if that pain had continued. He takes a few deep breaths and wonders how Steve is surviving with that sort of emotional pain. He vows that he will find the other boy sooner rather than later. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

As soon as Mike walks in, Billy is up and grabbing the paper from the floor where he dropped it. “I had _no_ idea that this would blow up. I should have known, but I didn’t. I’m going to go get all of them and take them down and I’ll talk to your mom about it.”

Mike shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. _She_ doesn’t matter.”

Billy nods. “I’m still going to take care of it.”

Mike stares at him for a few minutes until Billy becomes decidedly uncomfortable. When it gets to be too much, the boy finally speaks. “You know what Steve taught me?”

Billy shakes his head. “No. What?”

Mike’s fist comes out of nowhere and slams into Billy’s eye, which feels like it’s going to explode as soon as contact is made. Billy goes down hard and looks up at Mike fully expecting another blow. He watches as Mike shakes out his hand a bit. “Steve’s a good teacher.”

Billy watches the boy walk away and puts his hand to his eye. He’s not sure any hit from Neil has ever hurt as much as the hits he’s taken from Joyce Byers, Max, and Mike in just a short time. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The rest of Billy’s time there is simple and no longer fraught with drama. Joyce and Hopper come in together and they formulate a plan to get Max out of the house. Hopper agrees to take her into his home so she can be close to El. Joyce insists he go to the homes of the kids so he can talk to the parents personally and he agrees. Will comes in with Lucas, but Lucas refuses to stay. He can’t bring himself to talk to Billy at all. Even looking at him seems to be too much effort. Will looks at Billy like he pities him and Billy finds that very disconcerting, but he shakes it off. 

When Kyle comes in, he practically falls into his arms. “God… that was… I don’t even know.”

Kyle holds him and rubs his back. “Come on, I understand we have parents to visit and then we need to go back to your home to talk to your stepmom.”

Billy nods. “Yeah, I don’t know… not looking forward to going to that house.”

Grayson walks in. “Hey, we’re apparently taking the kids home?”

Billy sighs. “Of course we are.” He takes Kyle’s hand. “I guess they want a front row seat for my humiliation in front of their parents.”

Kyle squeezes Billy’s hand. “Can you blame them?”

Billy shakes his head. “Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, don't be too hard with me. I hope you like it. I really wasn't trying to cop out with Hopper and Joyce and Lucas and Will, but I feel like they wouldn't have as much to say. Lucas doesn't give a shit about Billy and doesn't care if he never talks to him again. Will is the peacemaker and his only focus is on Steve and he thinks this is a waste of time. Hopper and Joyce are definitely a couple of wild cards, but I liked how it turned out.


	21. One Month Ago - Billy (Part II)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy tells the families of the Party what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, mind the tags, There is a brief mention of childhood sexual abuse, but it is brief and could be potentially triggering. I have it tagged in the chapter so you can skip it and I can explain what happens in the end notes. Also some homophobic language.
> 
> Things have been pretty serious so this chapter is kind of all over the place. There is anger, sadness, fear, and even laughter. So hopefully the humor isn't lost on you. I think we all face awful things and sometimes we use humor just to balance us and that's partly what's happening here. if they don't find humor in something, they'll go mad.

Grayson walks out of the house, having not said anything further to Billy, who is now looking at Kyle. “What’s going on? Is he okay?”

Kyle shakes his head. “Not really. While you were in there with Max, he was out here listening to everything the kids had to say about you.”

“Oh shit…”

“Yeah, and you told him a lot of big things, but… seriously, dude… you tried to run over kids? And you attacked one? And earlier, Max was more than happy to tell him how you grabbed her and yelled in her face.”

“Fuck…”

“Look, he’s just going to have to take some time. He never really saw that side of you so I think he got it into his head that it wasn’t that bad, but you were… _are_ seriously fucked up. At this point, he has an idea stuck in there and it’s not going to go anywhere until you talk to him about it.”

“Idea? What kind of idea?”

“Not my place, man.” He gestures to Grayson, who is heading back their way. “Talk to him. Don’t expect a lot from him, though.”

Billy takes a deep breath and walks over to Grayson. “Hey…”

Grayson doesn’t stop for pleasantries. “I had a brother once. He’s gone. Max had _you_ and you didn’t deserve her. Still don’t.” He doesn’t say anything else and gets in the backseat and slams the door. 

Billy looks toward Kyle, who shrugs and walks over to the car. He leans in to talk to Grayson while Billy waits for the kids. He sees them all come out and say their goodbyes and he tries not to stare. He thinks back on what Dustin told him, about how Steve would have supported Billy if he’d given him the chance. Even after he beat him up, he’s pretty sure the other boy would have jumped in if he’d known what a monster Neil could be. And yeah, he would have seen his father as the reason that Billy was so angry and yeah, he would have convinced him that he’s not a bad person and… Billy sighs. Shit, the curly haired wonder really _is_ right. Billy has watched Steve long enough to know that Dustin is correct. 

He still remembers the day he decided to make up the lie about Steve having feelings for him. It was when he’d caught Harrington staring at him too long in the showers. It wasn’t perverted. It actually warmed him a bit and that was not okay with him. Now, looking back and knowing what he does now, he probably would have been the one making the moves behind the school. He runs a hand through his hair as the others walk up to him. 

“I’m going to drive but I’ll need some of you to share some laps, okay?”

They all move toward the car, ignoring him. Billy rolls his eyes, but goes over to the car and gets in. Max looks over from the passenger seat and glares at him. “Just like old times, right?”

Billy shakes his head. “Never again, Max. I’ll make you believe me.”

She shrugs and looks ahead. “Doubtful.”

The others argue in the backseat until they finally settle on Kyle and Grayson sitting on the far sides with Mike in the middle and then Lucas and Dustin sitting on laps. Billy pulls up to the Sinclairs’ house first and walks in with Dustin and Lucas while the others wait. 

Max turns in the front seat and looks at the other three before focusing on Kyle. “So… you and my brother…”

Kyle nods. “Yup, me and your brother.”

Mike rolls his eyes. “I don’t get how that’s even possible. You seem like you’re human at least. Billy, not so much.”

Grayson glances over at Max. “Your dad still beating you like he beat Billy?”

Mike’s eyes widen and he looks at Grayson in shock and then at Max, who is glaring at Grayson. 

Max growls low in her throat. “Fuck you.”

Grayson shrugs. “No Max. Fuck you. You have the chance to get help and you won’t take it. I know your friends aren’t stupid enough that they didn’t notice something was wrong and you didn’t say a damn word, did you? You’re more like Billy than you think.”

“Grayson!” Kyle hisses out a warning. 

Mike leans forward. “Max… is that true? Your dad’s hitting you?”

“He’s _not_ my dad!”

Grayson meets her eyes. “Lucky you. Think how fucked up you’d be if he was.”

Max shakes her head. “Shut. Up. You’re making excuses for him now?”

Grayson shakes his head. “Nah, but at least I tried to help. What were _you_ doing while Billy was learning his _lessons_ from dear old dad?”

Kyle reaches over Mike to grasp Grayson’s arm. “That’s _enough_ , Gray!”

Grayson yanks his arm away and opens his door before shoving his way out and walking from the car. 

Max glares at Kyle. “I don’t need you defending me.”

“I wasn’t. I was trying to stop two good people from fighting over a bunch of shit that doesn’t matter. Jesus… you are _both_ like Billy sometimes. He was… is a stubborn ass, too. Here’s the thing. You don’t know what Billy went through and yeah, Neil might be hitting you now, but he’s not your dad and you haven’t been at his mercy as long as Billy has. You have _friends_ who care about you. Billy had nobody. And Billy was in the closet which probably made everything feel so much more lonely. I know Billy is an asshole. He’s done things that are basically unforgiveable to a normal human being, but you’re his sister. It’s your job to hold him more accountable while also being more forgiving.” He sighs. “And Grayson’s got his own demons. If you would all stop trying to hurt each other by comparing notes on who has it worse and focus on pulling each other up, you’d get a lot more empathy and understanding. Instead, you _all_ look like stupid fucking assholes.” He gets out of the car and slams the door. 

Max stares, open mouthed at the seat where Kyle was just sitting before looking over to Mike, still sitting there and trying to look as small as possible. When he glances up and immediately back down, Max huffs out a breath. “You have something you want to add?”

“Uh… no. No, I wasn’t going to say anything. I’m just sitting here.”

Max turns and flops into the seat, her arms crossed over her chest in anger. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

By the time Dustin comes to the car, with Billy limping badly behind him, the tension in the car becomes almost a physical presence. Dustin climbs into the backseat and looks around. “Where are those guys?”

Mike shrugs. “Where’s Billy?”

Dustin smirks. “He might take a minute to get here. Erica Sinclair nailed him in the nuts pretty hard.”

Billy opens the door and gingerly sits down. “Fuck, that little girl can punch like a champ. And I think she broke something in my leg with that kick.”

Max looks over at him. “Good, I hope it hurts.”

“Well, it does, so you got your wish.” He looks toward the back. “Where are Grayson and Kyle?”

Mike looks up, bolstered by the presence of Dustin. “Grayson and Max got into a fight and then Kyle told Max off for being a bitch.”

Billy glares at him. “Hey! Don’t call her a bitch.”

Max turns toward Billy. “I don’t need your help!”

Billy pinches the bridge of his nose. “Shit… okay, just stay here.” He opens the door and gets out. He finds Kyle first as the boy has been waiting for Billy and heads over as soon as he hears the car door. 

“Billy, you’re limping.”

“Wow, quite the observant one, aren’t you?” He hugs Kyle close to him. “They yelled… a lot. Lucas’ parents told me what a horrible thing I’d done and asked questions to make sure that I was 100 percent telling the truth now about Steve. I think they’ll trust him again. Especially since their daughter said that she knew the whole time and then she punched me in the nuts and kicked me in the leg. Lucas didn’t make a move to stop her, but… tonight might only be cuddle time because I’m pretty sure I’m out of commission until my nuts heal.” He rubs Kyle’s back as the other man nuzzles his neck. “Hey, I heard you yelled at my sister.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. She and Grayson were going at it and I just got sick of it.”

“It’s okay. Why don’t you go back to the car and I’ll find Grayson.”

“No, you’re hurt. You deserve it, but there’s no reason to make it worse. Just go sit down in the back and I’ll drive.”

“You sure?”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, I think it’s better that way.”

Billy scoots into the back next to Mike, who immediately turns away from him to talk to Dustin, who is still whispering about how Lucas stood there while his parents were lecturing Billy, who was failing to fend off Erica. When he realizes that nobody is going to talk to him right now, Billy leans his head back and closes his eyes, cringing at the fact that Lucas’ house was only the first. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

It doesn’t take long for Kyle to find Grayson leaning up against a tree a couple of houses down. “Grayson, come on, we need to go.”

Grayson runs a hand through his hair and looks out onto the dark street “I yelled at an abused kid and outed her abuse to one of her friends. What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“There’s nothing _wrong_ with you. You’re upset and you just… didn’t have the greatest control. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Yeah? Cuz a kid is getting beat by her dad and not only did I give her shit about that, but I actually blamed her for not saving Billy. She’s a fucking kid and I’m treating her like she should have been an adult. I’m better than that. I swear I am. I’m losing it and I don’t even know why I came here. I’m going to make it worse and now I’m pissed at Billy again and I’m not sure why.”

Kyle laughs harshly at that. “You’re not? Because he’s done some fucked up things.”

“And I _haven’t_? Billy knows _nothing_ about my past and he treats me like I’m his best friend. What if I have some dark secrets, huh? What if I’m fucked up, too? What the hell, Kyle? We’re just going to like him for awhile until we learn something new and then start all over every time? I’m sick of it. I need to be his friend or stop telling myself that I’m not a hypocrite.”

Kyle takes a deep breath. “Okay, Grayson… you’re obviously really upset right now, but-“

“No! Not ‘but.’ I’m pissed off! I’m a bad friend and I’m so sick of people telling me what a great fucking guy I am. This is such shit. I need to talk to Billy and we need to deal with this shit now before we both end up walking away.”

“Well… he’s not walking very fast so that won’t be a big risk.”

That snaps Grayson out of his anger pretty quick. “Wait… what?”

“Little girl punched him in the nuts. I heard it was followed up by a kick to the leg.”

Grayson stares at him for a moment and then starts laughing. “Oh shit… Poor Billy… felled by a little girl.”

Kyle arches an eyebrow and then starts laughing, as well. “Come on, man… let’s get back to the car so you can laugh at him in person.”

“That’s not very nice.” He’s wiping at the tears that came from his laughter. 

“Nah, but you’re not the one who just got cock blocked tonight by a 10-year-old.”

Grayson laughs harder.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

By the time they get back to the car, they’re both much calmer. Grayson climbs into the back and Dustin goes back to sitting half on his lap and half on Mike’s. Pulling up to the Henderson home is overwhelming to Billy, but he goes in with Dustin and Mike to get it over with. 

When they’re gone, Max looks over at Kyle. “What you said earlier… you might be right. Billy didn’t have friends here. I don’t think he made much of an effort to get them, though. Steve would have been his friend.”

Grayson bites his lower lip and leans forward. “Hey Max… I’m really sorry about what I said earlier. I shouldn’t have said that shit in front of your friend.”

She shrugs. “It isn’t like they don’t know. I just never confirmed it.”

“Yeah, but what I said about you not helping Billy, that was really crossing a line and I’m pretty ashamed of myself.”

“Seriously, drop it. I get it. You’re Billy’s friend. I guess I’m just not used to anyone standing up for him, including me. I told myself it was because it would piss my mom off if I said something and she’d lose him and for some reason I actually thought that was a bad thing. I guess because she’s such a pansy ass. She can’t survive without a man.”

Kyle looks toward the Henderson home and can see Billy through the window. His head is hung low and there is a woman wildly gesturing with a… cat… in her hand. “Hey… is that normal?”

Max looks over and smiles. “She has a thing for cats. I guess she didn’t think to put it down before yelling. That poor cat….”

Grayson grins. “There it is.”

Max looks back at him. “What?”

“Your smile. I remember the first time I saw it, in the picture in Billy’s bag. I told him you were a cute kid and he accused me of wanting to get in your pants.”

“Ew!” Max laughs. “I mean… why would he care?”

Grayson shrugs. “I think he always cared… but didn’t know how to show it.’

Kyle looks over at Max. “So… he thought this before he found out Grayson was gay apparently.”

Max nods. “Apparently.” She looks over at Grayson again. “So… how did you two become friends?”

“We were assigned to the same dorm room. It was honestly just luck. And then I got to know him and he said some shit I didn’t like and I made arrangement to have him moved out of my room and then… he told me some things…opened up a little… and I thought it would be better if I actually helped him. So I did and here we are.”

Max turns to Kyle. “And you?”

“I helped Grayson with him when he had a panic attack. We became friends and then we became more.”

“Panic attacks…” Max frowns. “That’s right… you mentioned those.”

Billy comes out to the car then sporting scratches down the side of his face. “Un-fucking-believable.” 

Mike is snorting because he’s laughing so hard. “Oh my God! Mrs. Henderson was so pissed and she’s waving her fucking cat around – “

“Language!” Billy frowns as he’s not even sure where that came from. 

Mike rolls his eyes. “So Dustin is trying to catch the cat because the cat is starting to growl and hiss and then she throws her hands in the air and the cat goes flying and Billy dives for it and catches it, but then it claws the fuck out of his face and Dustin is screaming like a girl because Billy hit this shelf with Dustin’s rock collection and I’m trying to tell him they’re _rocks_ so they’re fine and Mrs. Henderson was crying about her poor baby and she’s reaching for the cat and she steps on Billy’s bad leg and he’s howling and the cat is howling and Dustin is yelling and it was just…. Just amazing.” He can’t stop laughing and soon the others are joining him. 

Billy crosses his arms across his chest. “How about all of you just fuck off!”

Kyle takes that as his cue to drive and he wipes his face free of the tears that fell during the laughing fit. “Yeah, man… okay.” 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

It’s silent when they pull up to the Wheeler house. Nobody is laughing anymore and Billy is chomping at the bit to get into that house, but he’s also aware there’s a little girl in there who needs her mother.

Mike gestures to the door. “I need you to get out so I can get out.”

Billy shakes his head. “Not just you and me. We’re all going in for this one.”

The doors open and everyone gets out. Mike starts walking toward the house and stops when Billy doesn’t move. “Are you coming or what?”

Billy nods. “Holly… she can’t hear.”

Grayson frowns. “Who’s Holly?”

Max speaks up. “Mike’s little sister.”

Billy sighs. “She can know what I did, but I don’t want her to know what her mom did. So Mike… when we get to that part, can you let Max take her and distract her in the basement while I finish up?”

Mike looks to Max, who nods. “Yeah, sure…” 

They all head up to the house and Mike opens the door. “Mom! Dad! I’m home!”

Holly comes running out and Mike scoops her up as his mother comes in. “Mike, where have you-“ She stops when she sees Billy. “Oh… oh Billy…” She touches her hair as if to check it and the blush rises on her cheeks. “How are you?”

Max and the others come in then. “Hi Mrs. Wheeler. This is Grayson and this is Kyle. They’re friends of Billy’s.”

“Oh… well such nice looking boys. Won’t you sit down?”

Billy looks at Mike. “Get your dad.” 

Karen frowns. “Why would we need him? I’m so eager to hear how school is treating you. How long are you in town? I’d love to get together. Maybe for breakfast?”

Kyle opens his mouth to speak, but Grayson nudges him. 

Mike brings his dad in and then gestures to Billy to begin. 

Billy clears his throat. “I did some pretty awful things this year, but one of the things I did was lie about me and Steve. Steve never made a pass at me and he’s never hurt anyone. He’s a great guy and I wanted to ruin his life so… I made everything up. All of it. Steve didn’t do anything wrong.”

Karen frowns and then looks nervous. “Billy, that’s just not true. Did someone force you to say these things?”

Billy clenches his fists and turns to Max. “Max, can you take Holly downstairs and help her understand what a great guy Steve is? I have some things to handle up here.”

Max nods and takes Holly’s hand. “Come on, you can show me how you got your hair so pretty.”

Billy watches them leave and then rounds on Karen. “Tell him, Karen. Tell your husband how you came on to me and I fed into it. Tell him how you came onto Steve over and over again and he shot you down.”

Mr. Wheeler frowns and looks over at his wife. “Karen? What is this about?”

Billy pulls the flier out of his pocket and gives it to the man. “This… she’s putting these things up all over town and none of it is true. She’s just trying to get back at Steve for being a gentleman and not taking her up on her offer to suck his dick!”

The slap that Karen delivers is followed by silence. It’s broken by Mike’s soft voice. “Dad… it’s true. Mom likes to flirt and… maybe more, but Steve and Billy aren’t the only ones. I…” He looks over at the others, having not told them about this. “I caught at least two guys who go to high school coming downstairs when I come home. And mom usually comes down in a robe and says something about how they got a window unstuck. Maybe it was true, but… maybe not.”

Karen turns to her husband. “You can’t believe this, right?”

Mr. Wheeler glares at her. “So you fuck boys in my house and try to fuck other ones, babies really… the age of our _daughter_ and then you have the audacity to call Steve Harrington a predator?”

“I didn’t do anything! They’re _lying_!”

“Mom!” Mike is stunned. 

Billy steps forward. “Your son isn’t lying. I’m not lying and neither did Steve. Do you know that he never told Nancy? He cared too much and he didn’t tell your husband because he didn’t want to destroy a family.”

Mike glares at his mother. “You were doing that all on your own.”

Karen shakes her head. “It’s not true.”

“You’re calling our son a liar now?”

“What? No… No, but he’s confused.”

Mike shakes his head. “I can’t listen to this bullshit. Look mom, you’re a whore. Stop trying to act like you’re not. At least go after seniors, alright? You might stand a chance of fucking someone old enough to not get you thrown in jail.” He stomps downstairs into the basement. 

Mr. Wheeler grabs his wife by her arm and Billy can see that it’s firm, but not bruising. “Get upstairs and pack a bag. You’re visiting your mother and _if_ I get to the point where I want to _look_ at you, I’ll let you know.”

“But… but Holly….”

“Will be fine with me and her brother to watch over her. I’m certain there are other mothers who will be more than happy to step in when needed.”

Max comes upstairs and hears most of what is said. “Me, too. She’s very sweet.”

Karen jerks out of her husband’s grip and glares at Billy. “You’ll pay for this, you little shit!”

“You gonna put posters up of me, too, Karen? Make sure you include the part about me lying all about Steve, will ya?”

Karen pouts for a second and then runs up the stairs to get her things together. Mr. Wheeler looks at Billy. “I’m glad you said something, but you should have said it earlier. This is humiliating for me and I have to be grateful you didn’t say anything in front of Holly, but… regardless of what my wife did, you were the one who started this with Steve. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. I can’t stop Mike from choosing his friends, but you stay away from my family and you definitely will never set foot inside my house again. You come near me, I’ll make sure you realize just how angry I can get.”

Billy nods. “Yes, sir.” He’s surprised with just how intimidated he is, but he glances at Max. “Tell Mike we’re leaving, okay?” He heads out, Grayson and Kyle following closely behind. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The three men don’t talk and Grayson takes over driving while the other two climb into the back seat. Kyle wraps his arms around Billy and spreads out on the back seat so Billy can nestle down in between Kyle’s thighs, his back against Kyle’s chest. “Is it almost over?”

Kyle strokes his hands down Billy’s chest. “For tonight, yeah, but we still have tomorrow, Thanksgiving, and then two more days. Any clue what you’re going to do to get the word out?”

“Yeah, I got a couple of ideas. I don’t want to talk about it right now, though.” He tilts his head back and meets Kyle’s lips with his own. He turns soon after and deepens the kiss, not noticing that Grayson is watching in the rearview mirror and that the door opens. 

“Oh my God, seriously?” 

Kyle and Billy break apart and stare at Max as she gets into the passenger seat. 

“Max! Sorry….” Billy sits up and tries to get comfortable again. 

“You’re gay!”

Grayson glances over. “Pretty sure you knew that already.”

Max rubs her hands over her face. “Knowing it and seeing it are two different things.” She sighs thoughtfully. “Kind of hot, though.”

“Max!” A trio of male voices ring out. 

“What? It is.” She looks down then and the levity of the moment fades. 

Billy leans forward. “Max? You okay?”

Max shakes her head. “I’m scared…”

“I’m going to be there with you.”

Max turns and glares at him. “That’ll be new!”

Billy frowns. “Just realized you let your guard down, huh?” He nods. “Yeah, I’ve been there.”

“Fuck off, Billy. You don’t know _shit_!”

Kyle looks at Billy. “God, do _you_ switch that fast when someone is trying to be nice to you?”

“No.”

“Yes!” Grayson calls from the front. “Now, everyone shut up so Max can give me directions.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max learns about Billy’s panic attacks within a few seconds of getting out of the car at her house. She sees the door open and Billy gets out and looks up at the house and then everything goes to shit. Billy looks like he’s just been punched in the gut at the same time he’s seeing something horrifying. He claps his hand over his mouth and turns and walks away. 

Max frowns. “What the hell?”

Kyle swears under his breath and runs after Billy while Grayson sighs sadly. “Fuck.” He walks slowly down the driveway to where Kyle has caught up with Billy. Max follows, also, but stays quiet. 

Billy has his hands on his knees and he’s bent over, Kyle rubbing circles on his back. “Just breathe, Billy, come on. I know, baby, I know…”

Grayson gets on Billy’s other side. “I’m here, Billy. I’m not leaving you, okay? I’m angry, but you’re still my best friend.”

Billy shakes his head. “I can’t go back in there. I can’t.” He starts to sob. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried. But I can’t. I swear I’m not trying to get out of it. I just…. I don’t want to be here.”

Max stands still and stares at the scene in front of her. She tells herself she hates Billy, but in that moment she sees him as the little boy he was when he got hit by the man who was supposed to be the person who loves him most in the world. She thinks of earlier when she held Holly in her lap and brushed her hair for her. She thinks about how her mother used to do that for her and how nobody probably did that for Billy for years. 

Nobody touched him with kindness in close to a decade and suddenly her anger _for_ that child, and not the anger toward the teenager he became, is what propels her toward the three men. She’s not ready to forgive Billy for anything and she’s not ready to be some sweet nice little girl that everyone thinks she should be and everyone can fuck right the hell off if they think she will ever turn into that. No, but this is her brother and Grayson was right. She’d known what was happening, somewhere in her head, she’d known. But she didn’t want to care because Billy was an asshole. Still is. And the teenager can go fuck himself, but the child he was… the child he is in this moment… never deserved the shit life that Neil gave him. 

She watches as Grayson and Kyle keep trying to pull Billy out of this attack and fail. Billy takes in gasping breaths through the sobs. “I hurt him and I have to be punished and I know it, but please… don’t make me go in there. I can’t.” He drops to his knees and wraps his arms around himself. “I’ll be good. I’ll be good, but please… I can’t.” 

Max has seen enough and she moves quickly to Billy’s side and shoves the others away as she drops to her knees in front of Billy and grabs him, pulling him to her. She hugs him tight. “You can and you _will_ , Billy. Nothing in that house will hurt you as long as I’m here, okay?” She rubs a hand up and down Billy’s back. “Breathe for me. Breathe…” She mimics what she heard the others saying earlier. She may not know how to handle panic attacks, but she knows how to comfort a terrified child because she’s dealt with El a few times and with Holly and even some of Lucas’ siblings. Eventually, his sobs become soft puffs of breath against her neck. “There you go… It’s okay, Billy.” She starts rocking him back and forth, barely realizing she’s doing it. Kyle and Grayson are close, but are respectful of the moment the siblings need. 

As if on cue, the door opens to the house. “Maxine?”

Max growls as she feels Billy tense. “Billy, it’s just Susan. Neil is gone. He’s not here. Stay by my side and you’ll be fine.” She waits until she feels Billy nod slightly. She stands up and then holds a hand out to him, which he takes. He stands up and Max waits for him to steady himself. 

She holds his hand and heads toward the house. “Susan, I’ve brought some guests.” As she gets closer to the circle of light from the porch, Susan gasps. 

“Billy?”

Max snarls at her mother. “Don’t talk to him! You talk to _me_!”

Billy squeezes her hand. “Max… she’s your mom.”

Max shakes her head. “She’s Neil’s wife. Apparently they’re not the same thing.”

She leads the three into the house and pushes Billy into one the chairs in the kitchen. She gestures to Kyle. “Here, your boyfriend can sit next to you.”

She rounds on Susan as she comes in behind Grayson, who had felt the need to introduce himself to her. “Susan, I’m leaving you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m moving in with the police chief and his daughter. You’re going to sign off on it and if you try to go back on it, Billy and I are going to press charges against you.”

“Maxine!”

Billy finally gets control of himself and stands up, knocking the kitchen chair over. “No… No, Susan. Look, I know that you got caught up in something that you weren’t prepared for so…” He shoves his hand into his back pocket and frowns. “Shit…” 

Kyle pulls an envelope out of his pocket and hands it to Billy. “I took it so you wouldn’t lose it.”

“Thanks…” He looks down at the envelope and then at Susan. “It’s $5,000. You take it and sign papers saying that you’re giving Max’s care over to Jim Hopper and…you can get away from him, too. And then maybe one day, you can have her in your life again, but not like this, okay? You gotta do something for her now.”

Susan bites down on her lower lip. “You can’t ask me to give her up.”

“You already did. I’m just asking you to stop pretending you didn’t turn your back on her a long time ago.”

Max watches it all unfold in front of her and isn’t sure what to make of it. It’s as if Billy had planned this the whole time. And that really freaks her out because she’s certain that Billy has never thought of her since he left. But she might be wrong. 

“Where did you get this money?”

“Not your business. I just need you to take it. If you don’t, I’ll take her out of here anyway and you’ll have cops at your door. This way she’s with friends and not in the system.” At her silence, he sighs. “You saw him and what he did to me. He hit me in _front_ of you and you did nothing. I get it. I’m not your kid, but she _is_. You have a chance to get her forgiveness one day. But that means thinking of her first for once. Do this. Do it and give her a chance to love you again.”

Susan looks over at Max, who is unaware of the tears running down her cheeks. “Okay… okay, but Neil-“

“-will never find you because he won’t care enough to look.” Billy glares at her. “You know it’s true. He’ll find a way to make himself look like a victim and then he’ll move on to terrorize someone else.”

Susan nods and rubs at her temple. “I’ll leave… next week.”

“You’ll leave by Saturday night.”

“That’s only four days.”

********* TRIGGER WARNING FOR BRIEF MENTION OF SEXUAL ABUSE********

“Make it happen, Susan. Hopper will be by tomorrow morning with the papers. And I’m pretty sure you will have a ton of volunteers here to help you pack.” He drops the envelope of money on the table. “And by the way, Neil was right. I’m a faggot and I am really okay with that. And Steve Harrington? I made it all up. All of it. I’d like to tell Neil that, but… he wouldn’t care. He’d hate me and Steve anyway. Pretty sure that it’s his own desires that he’s trying to push down. Isn’t that right, Susan? Tell me that he didn’t treat you like a boy sometimes… that he didn’t bend you over and-“

“Billy!” Kyle is up now. “Billy….”

Billy glances back at Kyle and then at Susan. He leans forward. “You know how many times I woke up in the last few years with him standing over me, jerking off? I never moved because he would have killed me. But then he’d come in his hand and walk away and that was it. Never when I looked like a kid. Only when I started looking like a man. What’s that tell you, Susan? While you were in his bed, it was me and boys like me in his _head_. Who’s the faggot now?”

Grayson grabs Billy’s arm. “Billy, that’s enough.”

Billy pulls gently away and walks outside. He gets to the car and leans against it, his forehead coming into contact with the cool metal. It isn’t long before he feels a firm and warm hand against the back of his neck. Grayson leans in. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

Billy stands up straight and shakes his head. “I don’t even know what happened. It’s not like he touched me or made me touch him or even knew I was aware of what he was doing.”

“Doesn’t matter. It’s still twisted and you didn’t know what he was going to end up doing.”

Kyle comes jogging out, having helped Max get a bag together and standing guard while she told Susan goodbye. He runs over and pulls Billy to him. “Shit, baby….” He kisses him hard. “Fuck, I’m going to kill him. I’m going to _murder_ him.”

Billy shakes his head. “He’s not worth it. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”

“No… no, Billy. You’ve fucked up plenty, but don’t you _ever_ apologize for what that sick monster did to you. Baby… baby listen to me.” He takes Billy’s face between his hands and kisses him again. “Baby… did he ever touch you? Ever? You need to tell me.”

Billy shakes his head. “No. I swear it. I used to think… I used to wonder when he would wake me up to…” He shudders. “I just never knew when he would make it more… than it was.”

Max comes up to them. “That’s… awful.”

Billy’s eyes snap to hers as if he’s just remembering that she’s there. “Max… I’m sorry you heard that.”

“I’m not.”

“Oh shit… Max…” He pulls out of Kyle’s grip and stands in front of her. “Did he _ever_ do that to you? Did he touch you? Say something to you? _Anything_?”

She shakes her head. “No. I swear it. If he’d tried, I’d have bitten it off.”

********** END OF TRIGGER**********

Billy cringes. “Ouch… I mean yeah, I’m glad, but… ouch.”

Max tosses her hair behind her shoulder. “It doesn’t matter. We’re away from him now. Both of us. You still suck and I hate you, but you’re going to take me to Hopper’s and then you’re going to tell him everything and then you’re finding ways to clear Steve of this shit, right?”

Billy nods. “Yeah. I promise.”

Max gets in the car and Kyle pulls him into a hug while Grayson gets in the driver’s seat. Once the boys get back into the car, the ride is relatively quiet. Kyle and Billy whisper to each other, keeping it quiet enough that Max and Grayson can only tell that they _are_ whispering, but not what they’re saying. 

Grayson ends up being the one to take Max in and tell Hopper what happened at the Hargrove house. After a lot of questions to make sure that Max and Billy were never touched, the girls are allowed to go into El’s bedroom to sleep. Grayson tells Hopper that Billy has plans tomorrow to continue to clear Steve’s name and the chief waves him off, telling him to get some sleep and talk to him about it in the morning. 

Grayson returns to see that Kyle is wide away and Billy is resting, his head on Kyle’s lap. “He alright?”

Kyle shrugs, running his fingers through Billy’s hair. “Yes and no. He’s exhausted. I don’t think he ever planned on talking about what Neil did. I can’t imagine never knowing whether or not your own father is going to… cross that line and…”

“Hey.” Grayson waits until Kyle’s eyes meet his in the rearview mirror. “It didn’t happen. Billy’s alright. He has us now and he’s not losing us. And maybe one day he’ll have these kids a little, too. Maybe even this Steve guy if he ever shows up.”

Kyle frowns. “Yeah, well… he talks about that guy a lot.”

Grayson smirks. “Jealous?”

“No.” He rolls his eyes. “Maybe a little. But I want him to be happy, whether he’s with me or not.”

“Honestly, I do think that he’s pretty hung up on this guy, but I don’t think that will ever happen. I mean he single-handedly ruined this kid’s life.”

“Billy makes it seem like this guy is a fucking saint, though. Like he’ll treat him like the prodigal son.”

Grayson laughs. “You’re so lame.”

He drives them back to the hotel and helps Billy get inside. Between the two of them, Billy ends up in only his underwear and under the covers. Kyle climbs in next to him and falls asleep quickly while Grayson finishes getting ready for bed. He comes out and looks at his two sleeping friends and smirks. He walks over and reaches down to pull the covers up over Kyle’s shoulder where it has slipped down and then stops himself. The familiarity shocks him and he takes a moment to calm his breathing before scrambling into his own bed, taking at least another hour before sleep claims him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically Neil used to stand in Billy's bedroom once he was a teen and touch himself. He never knew that Billy woke up and was aware of this. Because of this, he worries about something happening to Max and finds out that Neil never made a move toward her. This is just setting Neil up to show where his homophobia is coming from and that he's hiding his own desires.


	22. One Month Ago - Billy (Part III)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a fairly short chapter with the intention of getting Max a little closer to who she was before the abuse. She's the type that I think she needs to see someone else's pain to push through some of her own. She's a good kid who's been a little lost and Billy's friends help her find herself a little.
> 
> PLEASE SEE BEGINNING NOTES FOR CHAPTER WARNINGS!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING FOR TRIGGERS INVOLVING DRUG USE AND SUICIDE. (in a flashback - no current characters)
> 
> Please don't be mad at me. This shorter chapter is more about Max and her relationships with Billy's new friends. I promise that things will go back to Billy and Steve and what they're dealing with, but I wanted to develop the relationships that Billy is using to help him learn more about himself. If you hate this, I can always summarize so you don't have to read the chapter. You can read that brief summary in the end notes. For those of you who forgive me for this chapter, the next one will come as soon as I can get it to you. It will most likely be one or two more Billy chapters and then I'll go back to Steve.... 
> 
> The suicide is descriptive enough that it could definitely hurt people if they read it without warning. Please take care of yourself for this chapter.

The “Billy Sucks Tour,” as Max not so lovingly calls it, continues during the break. It starts with a sit down with a newspaper reporter as Hawkins doesn’t have much to report. Billy is glad to hear that his story will be in the next day’s Thanksgiving edition as that’s the one that everyone gets, whether they have a subscription or not. Then he’s told by every reporter and editor that he’s a piece of shit and gets sent on his way. 

He heads to the local radio station and sits on the air while the (probably only) five listeners call in to call him names and ask him questions, such as whether or not he had a heart or a soul or a small penis. By the end, he is ready to call it a day. But it’s only noon and Kyle and Grayson are pushing him toward another event. 

This time it’s the downtown Hawkins “Last Minute” sale, which is where ladies making Thanksgiving dinner run over because they forgot something. There are ingredients, recipes, and whole dishes prepared and ready to be warmed and served. Billy talks to every single person that he can at the event and he’s called a lot of names, slapped by some bitch with her nose in the air, and told to die a horrible death by someone he is pretty sure is a pastor in town. He ponders over the fact that this event is organized by the church ladies. 

Finally, he heads to the high school under the guise of talking at a pep rally for the day-after-Thanksgiving exhibition football game. He stands in front of the population of Hawkins High School and talks about cheating a kid out of a scholarship and falsely accusing him of coming onto him. He turns it into a speech about making sure that dreams don’t come at a price of your soul and also about how it’s never too late to make amends. It concludes with a lesson on sexual assault and how to recognize it and how to help someone through it, such as with panic attacks. Billy reminds them that few people make false reports as he did, but that it’s important not to do that as it makes it harder for real victims to be believed. He surprisingly gets more cheers for his speech than insults. But those come later in the forms of teachers who like Steve and thinks that Billy is a waste of skin. 

Thanksgiving is uncomfortable, to say the least. Ted Wheeler decides to open up his home to the kids for a late Thanksgiving gathering after everyone eats with their families. Dustin and his mom, Claudia, are invited to the home and Dustin and Mike support each other as Ted and Claudia talk quietly about what happened with Steve, Billy, and Karen. Holly is too entertained by the television to notice the sad faces in the room and each time she asks after her mother, someone distracts her with something fun. Nancy is also not there as she made an excuse about going to a friend's house for the holiday, even though Mike knows she is hiding from consequences of her behavior. Lucas shows up later, after a filling meal with his family. He is grateful to be out of there as Erica had kept on the subject on how evil Billy is. Lucas can’t say he disagrees, but he’s still happy to be out of there. When he’s dropped off, the Sinclairs take Holly with them to play with their kids. Ted gratefully accepts and invites his female guest to stay for awhile. Claudia agrees with a blush on her face. 

Joyce, Jonathan, and Will make room for Hopper, El, and Max. It’s only by Max’s insistence that Grayson and Kyle are invited over. She doesn’t include Billy and that nearly makes Grayson and Kyle decline. Billy insists, though, explaining that he needs some time alone and that they can bring him leftovers. Reluctantly, the boys agree and head off while Billy starts working on some assignments for classes as he wants to be ahead on his work when he returns anyway so he can start preparing for finals. He feels comfortable spending his Thanksgiving alone and closes his eyes against the tears that threaten. He can’t do anything worthwhile right now, but he can at least hope that wherever Steve is, he’s not alone.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

It’s only after they’ve polished off the pies that Max broaches the subject of her brother. She glances over at Grayson. “So… Billy’s done a pretty good job so far of trying to make things right. I’m kind of… surprised.”

Kyle moves to sit on the coffee table to face Max. “Listen… I want to talk to you about my outburst the other night. I know you said to drop it, but… I want to tell you why I’m kind of an asshole. No excuses, but you deserve the truth so you understand that it isn’t you and there was nothing that was really about you. I don’t… I don’t want you to be forgiving of Billy because he deserves it, okay? I see how angry you are. I see how much you’re hurting and you have the right to all of that, but I don’t want you to be consumed by it. Forgiving someone isn’t about making them feel better. It’s about, um, letting go. I mean you’re carrying all of this pain around and yeah, it’s on Billy-“

“And Neil. And Susan.”

Kyle nods and barely notices Grayson getting up to leave them alone while he goes to help in the kitchen and say goodbye to Jonathan, who is heading out to take Will to the Wheeler home to be with the others. El declines the invitation because she wants to wait for Max and Hopper informs her that he can take them both over later if they want. 

Kyle waits as people file out and wave their goodbyes before turning back to Max. “Yeah, them, too.” He swallows hard. “Forgiving him is how you move forward with no regrets. It’s for _you_. Am I making sense?”

Max nods. “I think so, but I have time to forgive him and I think it’s going to be awhile. I hear you, though.”

Kyle sighs in relief and starts to stand up, but is stopped by Max’s hand on his. She pulls a bit to get him to sit down again and he does. The two of them sit there in silence for awhile and he feels the anxiety creep up at her thoughtful gaze. He finally can’t stand it anymore. “What uh… what did you need?”

Max frowns. “Why is this so important to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you want me to forgive him so bad? What are you really trying to do here? Because this feels like a ‘don’t make the same mistakes I did’ talk.”

Kyle smiles sadly. “Damn, you’re pretty smart, you know that?”

“Yeah, I do. Don’t change the subject.”

Kyle laughs then and shakes his head. “It actually isn’t about me. I’ve seen people who can’t forgive themselves for things and it eats at them until they’re not capable of really living life. I saw it happening to Billy and with a _lot_ of help, he’s gotten better.”

“It hasn’t been easy for him. I can tell. That panic attack or whatever was pretty awful to watch.”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, he gets those and a lot of that is because he’s starting to see how wrong he was. He’s still learning and when something becomes real to him, he reacts. He’s ashamed of what he’s done. He thinks what he’s done is also who he is. I still haven’t been able to really shake him of that. I know he hurt you, too. And I’m really sorry, Max. There’s no excuse for it. I may not be able to convince you to take a chance on having a _good_ relationship with him, but if that’s what you want, I’d like to see you do what you’re able to so that you can look back one day and be comfortable with the decision you made. Because if you’re not, that regret will turn into you not forgiving yourself for the hesitation and that would really be a shame. So don’t forgive Billy if you’re not ready. Or _do_ forgive him. But do it for you, not him. You deserve to be free of this anger, Max. And no matter what, you never deserved to have a big brother who hurts you and you never deserved a stepdad who hits you and you never deserved a mother who turned the other way and… you never deserved the dumb friends of your brother to put more shit on your shoulders and I’m sorry.”

Max stares at him for a moment, a blank look on her face, and then shudders as she covers her face with her hands and leans forward to curl in on herself. 

Kyle’s eyes widen and he glances around for help, but sees none. He reaches forward to hug her and then doesn’t know if that’s okay. He finally decides to start slow and he grips her upper arms very lightly and then rubs them softly before seeing if he’s able to draw her in for a hug. It doesn’t take long for him to realize that she needs one as she leans into him and finally lets out a loud sob. He pulls her over and into his lap because her youth is painfully obvious in this moment. “Aw Max… I’m sorry, kiddo.” He rubs her back as she sobs into his shoulder. By the time Grayson comes back in, Kyle’s face is wet with his own tears and he looks up at the others, desperate for someone to come to Max’s rescue who is better than him. 

Joyce rises to the challenge and rushes over and pulls Max up. “Honey, come on… let’s go talk.” She leads her away, her arm around Max’s shoulders. 

Once they’re gone, Grayson walks over and playfully hits Kyle in the shoulder. “You made her cry!” 

Kyle wipes his own tears and rolls his eyes. “Fuck you, Grayson.” His words carry a bit of heat to them and he stands. “I told her why I was an asshole to her.”

“You apologized for that already.”

“So? I didn’t tell her _why_ and now I have so she knows that I’m not just a dick, but a dick with good intentions who totally fucked it up. Maybe you should try being honest about why you were a dick to her, too. Maybe, if you're actually capable of being honest."

“Whoa, what did _I_ do?”

“Nothing, Grayson. You didn’t do _anything_.” He walks out the front door and sits down on the porch, letting Hopper and El come to keep him company and talk about safe topics as they witnessed the anger in the boys’ conversation. 

Grayson stares after him for a few moments and then turns toward where Joyce led Max. He takes a few breaths to steady himself and then knocks on the door. When he hears Joyce tell him to come in, he cracks open the door and smiles sheepishly at Max. “Hey, you mind if we talk for a minute?”

Max looks at Joyce. “It’s fine. As long as he doesn’t tell me that Kyle being upset is _my_ fault somehow.”

Grayson frowns. “I deserve that. But no, I won’t do that.”

Joyce gets up and glares at him as she talks to Max. “I’ll be right outside if you need me, honey.”

Max smiles as she can hear the warning toward Grayson in her tone. “I’m serious. It’s okay. He’s not that bad, even if he is kind of stupid.”

Grayson suffers through Joyce looking him up and down once more before leaving the room and he lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “She’s tough.”

Max nods. “Yeah, she’s tougher than a lot of people I know.” She sighs. “What do you want, Grayson? I told you we’re good.”

“Yeah, well… Kyle thinks I’m a dick.”

“Kyle’s a smart man.”

Grayson nods. “Okay… I deserve that, too.” He frowns. “Kyle said I should tell you why I’m a dick instead of just saying that I’m sorry and… if you’re willing to listen…”

Max sighs. “Actually, I think I am. Kyle… he helped me feel something that I didn’t want to and I guess I needed to.”

“Yeah? He’s a good guy. Billy is lucky to have him.” He rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Sometimes I think that maybe I’m not a good friend to him at all.”

Max scoffs. “You made friends with him when he was full on asshole so… you’re probably secretly a saint.”

Grayson shrugs a shoulder. “More like a cursed fuck-up.”

Max’s eyes widen because Grayson didn’t find any humor in her joke and because he sounds pretty hateful toward himself. “Why would you say that?”

“Look, I accused you of not helping Billy and that was total shit, Max. It wasn’t your fault. It was _my_ fault and I took it out on you. It’s not really easy for me to see you and Billy together and see how you two are with each other. I mean you have him in your life and I thought… I thought you should be working harder to keep him with you and keep him safe and-“

“Okay, wait. I do hear you, but you know that he terrified me, right? The fact that I’m even comfortable with him in the same room with me is a big deal.”

“I know. I mean I didn’t know, but I do now. I forgot for a little bit that you and Billy aren’t… I mean you’re different.”

“From you?” Max scoots back on the bed and crosses her legs in front of her before motioning Grayson to join her. 

He gets on the bed and sits with one leg over the edge. “Yeah, from me and Morgan.”

“Who’s Morgan?”

Grayson shrugs. “My brother.”

Max waits for him to continue and when he doesn’t, she nudges him a bit. “Hey, so tell me about this brother of yours.”

Grayson looks up at her and nods. “My friends know about him for the most part. They know that he’s my brother and that he died in an accident when we were in high school.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. You must miss him.”

“Yeah, well, he was a year older than me and he got involved in some stuff that he shouldn’t have. Drugs and stuff and he was hanging out with some assholes and his grades were slipping and… he got worse as time went on.”

“What did your parents do?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing. They didn’t know.”

“Really? How did they not know?”

Grayson rubs at his neck again. “I hid it. He asked me to help him and I did. I wanted to stay in his good graces so I could convince him to stop. I saw the signs, Max. I saw them and I didn’t do anything.”  
She sighs as realization creeps in. “You weren’t angry with me. You were angry with _you_.”

Grayson nods slowly. “Yeah… pretty much. But my decisions aren’t your fault and I guess the whole situation with you and everything brought it back a little. Maybe you didn’t know. Maybe you did. Doesn’t matter. It’s not your responsibility to do anything about it when you’re scared. You’re just a kid.”

“Okay, but you’re not an old man. How old were you when your brother died?”

“Seventeen.”

Max frowns. “Wasn’t that like… a year ago?”

“Well, I had just turned seventeen so closer to two years ago, but that doesn’t really matter.”

“But you were a kid, too.”

“Maybe, but I should have gotten him the help he deserved and I didn’t. I chose to turn the other way and lie to myself that it wasn’t that bad.”

“So what happened?”

Grayson studies her and sees nothing but curiosity in her eyes and it feels as if something is pulling him to tell her, to tell someone. Not even Josh knows the whole story, but he’s been keeping this secret and here’s this girl, the one person who has a chance to have her brother back, an outcome he’ll never have. “He got caught up in his addiction and he didn’t see a way out. Maybe if he’d gotten help earlier… but he didn’t because I hid it for him for months and nobody had a chance to intervene.”

Max notices how he shrugs his shoulders a few times as if trying to get comfortable in his own skin. She leans forward a bit to show she’s still interested in hearing what happened. 

“I finally told him that I was going to tell our parents. It was too little too late. If I’d done that sooner, maybe he would have thought it was a good idea or maybe he would have been angry and annoyed, but not… not desperate. So that day… the day he died… we were at home and I told him that I was telling them and he was so angry. He told me that I was a piece of shit and that I was going to destroy mom and dad and that they’d hate him. He begged me not to take them away from him and.. I stayed firm on it. I was finally ready to get him the help he needed and I wasn’t going to be swayed. So I left. He yelled at me to stay and talk with him about it and I told him I didn’t want to hear it and I wasn’t letting him throw his life away. He was still yelling my name when I pulled out of the driveway.”

“So you told them.”

He shakes his head. “Not initially. I realized that I should wait. I decided to go back and talk to him and stay with him until they got home from work and that we would tell them together. So I came home and called for him and it was really quiet. Not normal quiet, but eerie… you know?”

Max nods. “Yeah, I’ve experienced that once or twice.” She feels her stomach clench painfully. “Grayson, what happened?”

“I looked through the house and he was gone. I couldn’t figure out where he had gone so I thought I’d check to see if his car was there. I went to the garage and…” He shakes his head. “He was hanging from the light. He used his belt to…” 

Max sees the faraway look and knows that he’s seeing it now, the body of the brother he loved. He reaches out and grabs his hand. “Grayson… I’m so sorry.”

He pulls his hand away quickly and Max marvels that he’s not crying about this. “I tried to get him down, but I couldn’t reach and I finally crawled up on the car and I got him unhooked but he was so heavy. I don’t remember him being that heavy. We used to wrestle for shits and giggles and he wasn’t _that_ heavy. I kept thinking that maybe it wasn’t real. Like it was a fake body or something. But I fell and he was on me and I was yelling at him to wake up. It was so stupid. I tried to bring him back but I never paid attention to that first aid stuff. Maybe if I had…”

“No, Grayson. No, that’s not on you.”

“I saw the signs. I knew he was in trouble. I didn’t do anything. I should have said something right away. So I yelled at you. I told your secret like I _didn’t_ tell _his_ and that wasn’t my place. And then I told you that you were wrong for not getting Billy help and that wasn’t fair. Billy and Morgan are nothing alike. Billy didn’t ask you to hide it. And even if he had, you’re a kid. That’s not your responsibility.”

“And you think it was _yours_? Grayson, I really do understand. I’m sorry that this has brought things up for you. You’re right… it wasn’t fair to lay that all on me, but I get where you were coming from and maybe why you weren’t thinking clearly.” She reaches out her hand again, but Grayson is up and out of her reach before she can blink. 

"Anyway, I wanted to tell you.” He finally meets her eyes. “Do me a favor. Don’t share this. I keep it private so people don’t know… they don’t know what I did. I can’t stop you from saying something, but I’m asking. Believe it or not, having Billy and Kyle in my life is nice. I can be friends with them because they don’t know.”

"You know that you don’t have anything to be ashamed of, right? You didn’t do anything wrong. What do you think would happen if they knew?”

Grayson frowns as if the answer is simple. “People don’t usually like being friends with a person who murders his brother.”

Max gets off the bed then. “Wait… no, you didn’t do that.”

“I walked away. He was calling for me and I _left_ , Max. I left him alone and he’s dead and that’s on me.”

“But-“

"They’re probably looking for us. I just wanted you to know that I’m an asshole and why I said the things I did. Completely inexcusable, but that’s kind of my thing.” He shivers and grips the doorknob tightly, practically flinging the door open to head out to the living room.

She sits back down on the bed and looks toward the door. She wonders what sort of otherworldly force put the three of them together and she silently thanks it because she doesn’t think that anyone could understand any of them except for the others. She stands finally and walks out to let Grayson know that she’s not going to say anything yet, but he’s not there. “Where did Grayson go?”

Hopper turns and looks at her. “Not sure. He told Kyle he had to leave and check on Billy. He was a little frantic and I don’t know… Kyle took him out of here.”

Max sighs. “Because he left him alone.” She chews on her lower lip.

Joyce walks over. “What are you talking about?”

Max shakes her head. “I think maybe Kyle and Grayson have more invested in Billy doing the right thing than Billy does. And Billy doesn’t even know the responsibility he’s carrying right now. If he did, I’m not sure he could handle his own shit.” She looks over to El. “Can we go talk somewhere?”

El nods. “That’s what friends do.”

Max smiles. “Yeah, it is.” She heads outside with El and wonders if Kyle and Grayson know that supportive friendships are give _and_ take. She remembers Grayson’s words but she also remembers his warning. She decides that before the men leave for college again, she’s going to open the Pandora’s Box of their secrets and hope for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically Max is a good listener and learns more about Billy's new friends. She makes a vow to push these stubborn boys to open up to each other instead of just focusing on Billy because friendship shouldn't be one sided. 
> 
> Again, I hope that you all forgive me for this chapter.
> 
> Full disclosure, this is badly written. I've gone back and edited like five times now. I have a friend and I pushed her to get an exam with a specialist. She thought I was overreacting and after a test today, she is now having surgery next week to remove a very large tumor in her brain. We'll see what we're dealing with at that time. Anyway, I'm distracted and needed to write something and I figured I could do this as it isn't really much about Billy and Steve. So I'm so sorry, again, for this. I just needed to write so I could distract myself.


	23. One Month Ago - Billy (Part IV)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy says one last goodbye and hopes that some people have cooled off enough from his initial reveal to have a conversation with him so he can express just how deep his regret is and to find out things he can do to help mend things in some way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I have been waiting for this chapter for awhile. And the next one. And the one after that. We're obviously in the home stretch because we're approaching the completion of the circle of this story. However, I'm probably going to take this part out a little bit more. I was thinking about it and I am probably going to keep Billy's stay in Hawkins in this part and then start the sequel once he returns to school. That story will not have the same setup as this one I don't think. I haven't really decided yet. 
> 
> The chapter before this one is important to read so you know what the meaning is behind the guys and their own issues as it will definitely come up in the sequel, big time. And it will impact Billy and how he heals from his past.

Billy looks up as he hears the door to the room slam open. He stands from where he was putting his notebooks back in his bag in time to be grabbed by Grayson, who seems to be shaken. 

“Wha-?”

Billy doesn’t get a chance to finish as he’s crushed against Grayson. He looks past him at Kyle, who appears concerned. He tentatively hugs Grayson and pats his back awkwardly. 

Kyle walks closer. “Grayson, are you okay?”

Grayson lets go of Billy and takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I guess you’re not the only person who gets panicky sometimes.” He sits down on his bed and groans. “That was embarrassing. I seriously… I think that this trip has been a bit much.”

“I’m really sorry. It has meant so much to me that-“

Grayson holds his hand up. “Stop, Billy. It’s not that. I just have a lot on my mind, okay? I’m really glad I could be here for you. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He stands up and hugs Billy again. “You’re my best friend. I’m really happy I’m here with you.” He lets go and runs a hand through his hair. “But I need some fresh air. I need to take a walk and apparently I need to fuck off.” He glares at Kyle and then walks out the door, barely stopping himself from slamming the door. 

Billy stares at the closed door for a moment and then turns to Kyle. “What did you do?”

Kyle throws his hands up in the air. “Nothing! We had a great time and then I talked to Max and made things right and then I told Grayson I did and then I just… I mean I may have said that he um… was a dick to Max.”

“But he was. He already told me that.”

“He teased me about making her cry and I may have said ‘fuck you.’” His cheeks pink up. “And then I got pissy with him for not doing anything or being honest or-“

“Stop. Shit, Kyle… I guess we’re not having sex tonight.”

“Why not? It was bad enough not getting any because of Erica Sinclair’s good aim!”

“Well I can’t fuck you if there’s no room for my dick. Apparently your head is taking up all the space.” He smirks. 

Kyle rolls his eyes. “Har dee har har.” He sits down on the bed. “I don’t know what to do. I’m really enjoying what we have, but…”

Billy sits down next to him. “But it still hurts.”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, it kinda does.” He pulls Billy to him. “You think it will ever get better?”

“Maybe.” He sits up and looks Kyle in the eye. “Or maybe you’ll have to deal and we’ll both be surprised.”

Kyle and Billy lean in, keeping their eyes locked on the other. The gaze lasts as they both seem to be searching for something. 

It’s Kyle who cracks first and he lets out a huff of air and starts to smile. Billy laughs then and lays back on the bed. “Shit… Well, I tried.”

Kyle turns and settles next to Billy, but on his stomach. “We’re pretty fucked up.”

Billy turns his head to look at Kyle. “You think?” He glances back toward the table by the door. “Hey, where are my leftovers?”

Kyle bites down on his lower lip. “Oh… well Grayson really wanted to get back and-“

“Did you seriously forget my leftovers?”

“I seriously did.”

Billy sits up. “So, what are you going to do to make up for the fact that I’m stuck eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches tonight?”

Kyle glances up at him. “What do you _want_ me to do to make up for it?”

Billy smirks and stands, holding his hand out to Kyle. “I have an idea….”

Kyle takes his hand and stands. “Yeah? And what would that be?”

Billy leans into the other boy and presses an open mouthed kiss to his neck and then his ear. He takes Kyle’s earlobe between his teeth and then releases it to whisper in his ear. “You can go with me to find Grayson so you can apologize.”

Kyle groans. “I hate you.”

Billy laughs. “Liar. Come on, let’s go.” 

The two men leave to find Grayson and make things right. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy supervises the grudging apologies from both men to the other. He can tell something is going on with Grayson more than just an argument with Kyle, but he decides not to delve into it too much. He leaves them to deal with their issues and heads to the various houses two days after Thanksgiving. He appreciates them being there, but some things he wants to do by himself. He doesn’t think it’s fair that he gets support when it sounds like Steve really didn’t get any at all.

He’s not looking to do anything other than say goodbye. He and his friends are leaving tomorrow and he doesn’t want to miss out on an opportunity to see everyone one more time. He spent Friday going to every public place he could and telling each person he met a rundown of what he did to Harrington. By the end of the day, he was ready to curl up in a corner and cry, but he knows it’s worth it to make up for even a small percentage of the pain he’s caused. He’s also started to feel hopeless because it’s becoming very clear to him that there is nothing he can do to truly make up for any of it. He’s planning on trying, but he knows that most of his redemption will rely on whether the others choose to give it to him. And he doesn’t blame them if they never do.

He stops at the Harrington house first. He walks around it and tries to look in through the windows. He knocks at windows and at the doors and sits on the steps and rests his head in his hands after at least five cycles around the house. He goes to the front door one last time and rattles the knob. He rests his forehead against the wooden door and sighs. He steps back and places the palm of his hand on the wood and stares at the door sadly. He closes his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” He can feel the heat behind his eyes and he opens them in time to feel a tear slip down his cheek. He takes in a shuddering breath and then turns and jogs down the steps, vowing to come back soon when Steve is home and he can apologize properly. 

His next stop is the Sinclair home. He looks up sheepishly at Mr. Sinclair when he opens the door. “Sir, I know that I’ve caused your family a lot of pain and I know that we’ve had a discussion already, but I’m hoping that you will give me a chance before I leave to talk to your family again. I’m planning on returning at Christmas and I’m hoping we can continue working on ways to help everyone heal.”

Mr. Sinclair studies him. “Including you?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, sir. I don’t deserve to heal. I know who and what I am and I can make better choices, but I can’t change that.”

The older man crosses his arms over his chest. “And what do you think you are?”

Billy shrugs a shoulder. “A monster.” He sighs. “I don’t know. Nothing I say or do means anything. But I don’t want to give in to this nagging thought that there’s nothing I can do so I might as well _stay_ a monster.”

The door opens wider and Lucas reveals that he’s been standing there eavesdropping. “Don’t do that.”

Billy looks over at him and then back at the teen’s father. “Please.”

Mr. Sinclair looks over at Lucas and, when the boy nods, he steps out of the way. “Come in.”

Billy walks in and looks at Lucas again. When the younger boy walks away, Billy follows and ends up sitting at the kitchen table while the elder Sinclair gathers his family into the kitchen. 

Billy looks at all of them. “I came to say goodbye and that I am, again, very sorry for everything I did.” He turns his attention to Erica. “I’m not happy that you kicked me, but I’m kind of glad you did. I think I needed someone to lash out at me. It’s really not very easy to feel as if I’ve suffered enough. I don’t even know what _enough_ looks like. I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist. Anyway, I am really glad Steve has someone like you fighting on his behalf. I hope he comes back soon so he can really benefit from it.”

The Sinclair family is civil to him and Mrs. Sinclair gives him a small container of mashed potatoes from their family Thanksgiving as Mr. Sinclair shakes his hand and tells him to always keep working to be a better man than he is today and if he ever thinks that he’s as good as he can be, that’s when he’ll know that he’s failed to be better at all. Billy frowns as he thinks of that and realizes that Steve is the poster child for that. Steve is a good guy. He’s caring and selfless and yet he still tries to be better. Billy has never done that before he met Grayson. He’s definitely learning, but it’s difficult. He gets up to leave and Erica plants her hands on her hips and moves in front of him. She makes it very clear that if he hurts Steve again, she will remove a certain body part from him and he takes her very seriously. 

He takes his potatoes and heads toward the door, Lucas at his side. He turns to Lucas once they reach the threshold. Billy takes a deep breath. “Look, it doesn’t matter what happened or what I thought or what’s up with my dad. What’s important is that I grabbed a kid… a _kid_ … and I shoved you into a wall and I was angry and… if it wasn’t for Steve, I could have hit you like I hit him and…” He shakes his head. “I don’t even want to think about that. All I can tell you is that I’m working really hard on changing and I’m not telling you that for any reason other than to let you know. And I’m hoping… I mean I know you will take care of Max, but… if she needs something and she’s being stubborn… just please let me know. I have a job now so I can help pay for things at school and I’ll send some to you if I need to. You can say it’s coming from you if you want. I don’t care. But she’s been through a lot and most of it is my fault and… please, Lucas? I have no right to ask anything of you, but please… please let me help her if she needs something.”

Lucas studies him for a moment, not sure what to say. He shrugs. “You’re really fucked up, but… Max needs as many people in her corner as she can. I don’t like you. I think you’re scum, but yeah… if Max needs something, I’ll let you know. Just don’t press me for details about her. You don’t deserve that.”

Billy nods. “Fair enough.” He holds out his hand and waits, willing to drop it if needed. 

Lucas gives him a nod, willing to accept the respect. He shakes his hand and then shuts the door. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin’s is next and he’s surprised that Claudia isn’t wielding a cat. “Um… hi. I was hoping to talk to you and Dustin for a moment… I’m leaving to go back to college and I want to check in and-“

Claudia rolls her eyes. “Just come in. It’s cold.”

Billy walks in and takes a little more time to look around. It’s a nice house. It’s small like his home was with Neil, but he can feel the warmth radiating from this place. He looks over at Claudia. “What I did is unforgiveable. I know it is. I’m going to make it right somehow, at least as much as I can. Steve loves Dustin. I know he does. I really want to talk with him. I’m going to respect whether or not you let me. If you tell me to leave right now, you won’t have to see me again unless you want to, even if it’s to scream at me.”

Claudia sighs. “It is only because Steve is such a good person that I’m willing to let you talk to my son. I can’t help but think that he’d want me to give you a chance, even though he was basically run out of town. I _did_ hear that you’ve basically told the entire town what you did. Not everyone is going to believe that it didn’t happen.”

“Then I’ll say it again and again. I’m hoping to come back for Christmas. My father wasn’t here and I think it’s important I talk to him, too. I need to… face him.”

“That’s bullshit!”

Claudia and Billy both look over as Dustin comes into the room. 

“Language!” Claudia glares at her son.

“Sorry, mom.” He looks at Billy. “I am the only person who is willing to fill the space left by Steve right now. Nobody else feels up to the task, but I’m not willing to let him go. He’s coming back and I’m going to be the one who makes sure that nobody forgets him and who he is.”

Billy frowns. “That’s not going to happen. Steve will be back and-“

“No, you don’t know that. _I_ don’t know that I probably know him better than anyone. If Steve was here, he would be mad as hell that you’d even consider going to see your abusive dad. He wouldn’t wish that on _anyone_ so you _will_ respect his wishes… even if he’s not here and even if he doesn’t come back. He’s hurt and he feels betrayed. If he’s still gone, there’s only two reasons. Either he thinks he’s doing us all a favor by staying away or he’s being held against his will.”

Billy blinks at that. He’s never even thought of that as an option. “Seriously? Why the hell would someone keep him against his will?”

Dustin shrugs. “Steve taught me to never take anything for granted, even the weirdest possibilities are possible. That’s why they’re called possibilities.”

“He told you that, huh?”

Dustin shrugs. “I don’t always think that I can do things. Steve told me I can do anything.”

“So if you find out he’s being held somewhere, you’ll tell me?”

Dustin crosses his arms over his chest. “Why?”

“I can’t make things right. I get it. But it can’t hurt to have another body to help on a rescue mission, right?”

Dustin studies him for a long while and then nods. “I guess not.” He shuffles his feet. “Are we finished here?”

Billy looks at Claudia and then back at Dustin. “What you said… about Steve and the fact that if I’d given him a chance….”

Dustin nods. “Yeah, I meant it. And to be honest with you, he still would. It’s who he is. A lot of people would think it’s stupid and maybe it is, but after all of this, Billy, nobody is going to be cautious when it comes to defending him and keeping him safe. We’re all in. And if you hurt him, we’ll make what you did to him that night at the Byers’ look like a slap on the wrist.”

Billy nods. “Understood.” He nods toward Claudia. “Ma’am.” He turns and hopes that Dustin means what he said and that there’s still a chance to properly repair something with Steve. If he does, he knows that it’s only because Steve is a far better man that he will ever hope to be. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

When he pulls up to the Wheeler house, Mike is already outside. He walks over to the car before Billy can even turn it off and then he stands in front of the door so he can’t open it. He rolls down the window. “Wheeler, I came to-“

“Save it. Dustin and Lucas called me. I guess they figured I needed a warning. And I did. My dad and my baby sister are inside. They don’t know you’re coming over and they won’t. My dad hates you right now, but not enough to care about you one way or the other. He’s too pissed off at my mom to give a shit about what you’re doing. He just wants to forget you exist. My sister cries for my mom at night sometimes. You’re just lucky that she seems to like Dustin’s mom so much so she calms down when she comes over or calls. I haven’t even _heard_ from mom. She doesn’t care enough about us to try and talk to us so she can go fuck herself. And Nancy… She thinks that Steve did something to get you to act like you did. She thinks we’re all lying. She just doesn't want to feel guilty. And as of last night, she thinks it’s possible you’re being paid to give this whole story. The Harringtons are pretty fucking rich, you know.”

“I know, but that’s not what’s happening.”

“I believe you. But only because Grayson and Kyle seem like stand-up guys. Your word means shit to me. So you can’t come in the house. You can’t talk to my family. And me? I’m not going to give you the time of day until Steve does. My loyalty is to him. Not to you. I will follow his lead and since he’s not here to show me what that is, I’ll stick to wishing you into an early grave.” He turns and walks away. 

Billy takes a deep breath and leans his head against the steering wheel for a moment. He knows he deserves that, but it hurts all the same. He counts to ten and then looks up. Mike is still standing outside, in front of the door to his home, his legs spread just a little, as if he’s in a fighting stance, his arms loose at his sides, his fists clenching and unclenching. Billy has to respect the kid. He’s pretty sure he’s never stood up to Neil as convincingly as this kid is standing up _for_ his family right now. He heads out and hopes that his next two stops aren’t as tense. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Byers’ house is not his favorite place to be. It’s where his relationship with Harrington went from contentious to spiraling out of control. Nobody is coming out to tell him off, though, so he’s counting that as a good sign. He walks up to the door and is about to knock when the door swings open to reveal Will. “Oh… hey kid. I was just… uh… is your mom home?”

Will nods. “Yeah.” He turns in toward the house. “Mom! Billy’s here.” He motions to him. “Come in.”

Billy chances a look in the house. “You sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. It’s just the three of us here.”

Billy steps in carefully, remembering the feel of the small woman crashing into him the other day. As said woman walks in from the kitchen area, he takes a step back. “Will said I could come in.” He frowns at how frightened he sounds. 

Will looks over at his mom. “Mom… he came to talk. You always say we should listen to people, even if we disagree with them.”

Joyce shakes her head. “This isn’t just a simple disagreement, Will.” 

Jonathan walks in then and stands by his mother, his hand on her shoulder. Billy gets the distinct feeling that he’s not comforting her as much as he’s preparing to grab her if and when she lunges for Billy again. “Hargrove, what are you doing here?”

“Like Will said… I’m here to talk.” He locks eyes with Joyce. “I’m sorry about the other day. I know that I upset you by being here and that wasn’t fair to expect anything less from you than what you dished out. I never meant to cause you… Well, that’s not true. _This time_ , I didn’t mean to cause anyone any distress. I really wanted to come back and apologize over break. I didn’t think many people would forgive me, but I also thought Steve was back and I’d have a chance to talk to him, too.”

Jonathan steps forward then. “You’re not getting anywhere near him.”

Billy nods. “Okay, I get it. I’ll keep my distance from him when he comes home. But if he wants to see me-“

“He won’t.” 

Billy takes a deep breath. “Jonathan… if he wants to see me…”

Jonathan rolls his eyes. “Fine. _If_ he wants to see you… then I’ll be there. I don’t want you alone with him in case you decide to make any more false accusations.”

“I wouldn’t do that.” He frowns at Jonathan’s arched eyebrow. “But… I understand why you wouldn’t believe me.” He looks over at Will. “Steve a good friend of yours, huh?”

Will nods. “He accepts me for who I am. It’s kind of nice. I mean… my close friends and family are one thing, but Steve… he really didn’t have any reason to accept me and he did anyway. I like him a lot and I don’t think he would approve of me being mean to you so… I hope that it happens for you.”

“That what happens for me?”

“You know… that you get better and can make friends with people here.”

Billy smiles. “Thanks, kid. I hope that happens, too.”

Joyce clears her throat. “Will, baby, why don’t you go to your room for a bit. I want to have a talk with Billy.”

Will takes off and Jonathan walks over to Billy. “I’m leaving you alone with her and if you say something to upset her and she goes off on you, I’m not stepping in to help you out of it.”

“I hear you. And… I know you’re close with Steve and I really am sorry, Byers.”

Jonathan nods. “I think you actually might be, but that doesn’t change anything for me. You _hurt_ him. He didn’t deserve for that to happen. He’s been hurt enough. But he just tries to be a good person and then gets hurt again. From what you said, his own parents hurt him. He needs someone on _his_ side. And that’s me. Which means I don’t have time to waste on you. Are we clear?”

Billy nods. “Crystal. For what it’s worth… I’m glad he has someone like you on his side.”

Jonathan walks away and shares a glance with his mother before joining Will. 

Joyce walks over to Billy and studies him. She may be shorter, but she somehow manages to seem as if she’s towering over the teen. “Ma’am, I am so sorry for-“

“Save it.” She sits down on the couch and gestures to him to sit, also. Once he does, they sit in silence and he’s about to say something when she finally speaks soft and low. “Max is your sister. She’s tough as nails, but one day she’s going to need you. You’ll be the only one who really gets what she’s gone through with your father.” She looks at him then. “Did he beat you all the time? Was there anything I could have done to stop what you did to Steve? That _any_ of us could have done?”

He’s horrified as her eyes grow wet with unshed tears. “No… No, there was… It doesn’t matter, does it? It’s done. I did what I did. And none of it is anyone’s fault except mine. Lots of people get hit by their parents. Not all of them are so willing to hit rock bottom and not all of them who do that decide to take down innocent people as collateral damage. This is _all_ me. It’s not my mother leaving me. It’s not my asshole dad. It’s sure as hell not any of you. It’s _me_. I did this. Grayson and Kyle are trying to teach me that I’m not _evil_ but I’m capable of evil _things_. Mrs. Byers, I’m sorry that I drove you to attack me the other day. I’m sorry that I ever gave you a reason to hate me. I’ve heard about you. I know that you’re a good person and a fiercely loyal mom. I never had that. Maybe if I had, I’d be as good of a person at Jonathan, but I didn’t and we’ll never know what could have happened and, like I said, none of it matters. We have to find Steve and bring him home. If I could help with that, I would, but I don’t think that my presence would bring him back. It would just drive him away. I _am_ coming back at Christmas, though. Max might need me if Neil is back by then. And I have to try and see Steve. I have to.”

“And if he wants nothing to do with you?”

“Then I’ll respect it. I won’t see him. Because in the end, it doesn’t matter what I want. It’s my job to make sure that he’s okay and he’s safe and if that means disappearing from his life, then I’ll do it. But I can’t leave Max, not if she needs me and wants me to help her.”

Joyce nods. “I understand. I’ll be here for her, Billy. I promise. I don’t approve of what your father did, but at least you’ve owned up to it. Maybe there’s hope for you yet. Maybe… but I haven’t decided whether or not I care about the outcome of your attempts to make amends. All I can think of is Steve and how much we hurt him when I took him away from Will. Steve agreed, but Will was livid with me. It wasn’t Steve’s fault or even my fault. It was _your_ fault. I’ll take responsibility, but you put me in that situation.”

Billy wants to tell her that her decisions are her own and that blaming him for hers is no different than him blaming Neil for his, but he also thinks that she needs to believe this because of how much guilt is eating her up inside. From what he’s heard, Steve would do whatever it took to prevent her from feeling that way. He keeps his mind on Steve and reaches over to take her hand. He squeezes it gently. “I did. I’m so sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong. I did this and I’m so sorry. And Steve… Steve knows that.”

Joyce breaks down then, letting her guilt flow out of her at his words. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I didn’t.”

He pulls her into his arms awkwardly. “The one thing that I _know_ about Harrington, from what everyone says, is that he’s the type of guy that cares about everyone. And you love him enough to jump a guy who sets foot on your property and who hurt him horribly. You’re fierce, Mrs. Byers. You’re fierce as hell and there’s no way he doesn’t love the fuck out of you.” 

She grips him tightly, sobbing into his chest. Billy isn’t sure how much time passes, but it’s enough for Jonathan to come out at least twice to see what’s going on and nice enough to walk away to let his mother have her time to process. 

When Billy leaves with three plates full of leftovers for him to take on the trip with Kyle and Grayson, he feels a little lighter. He’s still an asshole and he knows that. He’s still the guy who destroyed Steve with lies and deception. But maybe now he can start thinking that those are things he _did_ and not definitions of who he _is_. He carefully settles the food in the passenger seat and heads toward his last stop. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

He stands on the porch of the cabin and lifts his hand to knock on the door three times, each time dropping his hand before he can, before Hopper opens it. “Get your ass in here before El and Max start getting creeped out by you just standing here.”

“Too late.” Max stands in the doorway of the bedroom and crosses her arms over her chest, shifting her weight to one foot. “What do you want, Billy?”

“I… uh, I came over to say goodbye. I’m leaving in the morning.”

“Good. That it?”

“Max, I…” He shakes his head and looks at Hopper. “I’m also here to see if you’re sure there’s nothing I can do legally about this situation.”

Hopper frowns. “Like what?”

Billy shrugs. “Like… turn myself in? Is there something that I can be charged with for all of this? I’m more than willing to face it. I won’t post bail. I won’t wuss out. I’ll go to trial. I’ll do whatever. But I can’t go back to campus without knowing there’s nothing else I can do.”

Hopper sighs. “I can… I can take you in for harassment. You never filed a report so that’s really the only thing I’ve got.”

“Okay, so what’s that going to do to me?”

“I’d put you in jail and you’d sit there until the judge can get to you so probably a few days because of the holiday. You’ll be arraigned and, if you don’t post bail, you’ll stay in my lockup until trial.”

Billy nods. “Okay, and then what?”

Max steps forward. “What are you doing?”

Billy ignores her. “And then what?”

“Then you wait maybe three months. Maybe more. We go to trial and your lawyer-“

“What if I don’t want one?”

“You can’t… I mean you can represent yourself I guess.”

Billy nods. “Okay so I represent myself and I tell them I’m guilty.”

Max takes another step forward. “Billy!”

He ignores her again. “If I tell them I’m guilty, then what?”

“Depending on the deal you made with the prosecutor-“

“No deal. Just straight guilty. What happens?” Billy is starting to sound hopeful again. When Hopper doesn’t answer, Billy repeats himself. “What happens?”

Hopper sighs. “You’ll go to jail. Maybe the state prison if you really screw yourself over on the case.”

“Okay, how long? How long would I go away for if I screw myself over?”

“Maybe ten months total so… if you stay in lockup for some time, I’m guessing a judge would be willing to give you six months tops.”

Max finally comes over and shoves Billy. “Stop it!”

Billy looks confused. “Max, I need to pay my debt. To Steve, to you and the others, to society. This isn’t a joke for me, Max. I know you think that I’m not sincere, but what the fuck did I need to come back here for if not to _pay_? I could have gotten away with _all of it_ if I wanted to. But I don’t. Think about it. I don’t care about any of the people from high school. I’ve always wanted to be away from Neil and Susan. You and I never got along. The person I _was_ didn’t care about ever seeing this place again. The person I _was_ put Steve in this position in the first place. Nothing I can do will erase what I _did_ but that doesn’t mean I’m just going to give up. I may never be a good person, but I want to be better than I was. Each day I want to be better, Max. And that means taking responsibility for the things I’ve done. Don’t you get that?”

“I _do_ get that, but this isn’t the way. Steve would be upset about it. He wouldn’t want anyone to suffer just to make up for _him_ suffering. Whatever you do, it won’t take away what he’s already been through. It’ll just make you hurt, too.”

“No. I think it’ll feel good. I can’t feel sorry enough. At least this would be a step.”

“And that’s why it’s wrong. I get it. I do. You think it will feel good and that’s because of your guilt, but what about Steve? Shouldn’t this be about what _he_ would want?”

Billy stares at her for a moment and then hangs his head. “Shit… you’re right.” He looks at Hopper. “But if you have to do something, I do understand.”

Hopper shakes his head. “Can’t. I tried, trust me. Steve refused.”

The siblings turn to him, shocked. “What?” they ask in unison. 

“I managed to talk to him after the allegations and I told him that I didn’t believe it and that if there was a way… if you ever confessed… I could put you away. He wouldn’t let me. Just like he wouldn’t let me do anything that night you nearly killed him.”

Both Max and Billy look confused. Billy breaks the silence and asks what both of them are thinking. “What are you talking about?”

Hopper frowns. “I knew what you did to him and I told him I had you dead to rights. I had every intention of throwing you in jail for a long time for what you did… and what you _almost_ did to him. He kept the severity of those injuries from everyone. But I knew. But he wouldn’t let me do a damn thing.”

Billy runs a hand through his hair. “He did that? He… I mean _why_?”

“He said that rage like that came from a place darker than where you lived.” At the confused looks, he shrugs. “What he meant is that he thought there were other things at play for you. He didn’t think that _you_ were that evil.”

“Yeah, well he was wrong.” Billy can feel it coming. He can feel the itch under his skin and he sits down on the worn armchair to catch his breath. 

“He told me the same thing after those things you said about him. He never told us about all the other shit you did to him. After that beating, he told me that something was _wrong_ with you and he asked me to look into it. He had it in his head that you were hurt somehow… deep down. He asked me to find out what happened to your mom. And what your dad and stepmom were like.”

“He wanted to _know_ me?” Billy feels the tremble in his voice and barely notices Max moving closer. 

“No, kid. He wanted to _save_ you. He just didn’t know from what.”

Billy covers his face with his hands. Dustin was right. Steve cared about people who didn’t even deserve it. The idea that Steve believed that something else was at play and that Billy wasn’t a bad enough person to do those things on his own overwhelms him. “And Max?”

“She didn’t say anything. Steve told me that either he was wrong or she didn’t know. And that meant you were keeping it from her. He said that really spoke more to the character of who you really are.”

“Stop…” Billy whispers the word and it’s barely loud enough for Max to hear it and she’s now right next to him. “Just stop….”

El comes out of her room then, her nose bleeding. “Hopper, something is wrong with Steve. I tried to find him again and he’s scared. He’s really scared.”

Before Hopper can scold her for trying to pry again, Billy looks up. “Scared? Of what?”

“Not of… _for_. He’s scared for _you_ , I think. I don’t know. It was muddled. I can’t get through to him when the emotion is as strong as it was. And I still don’t know where he is.”

“Scared for me… Scared for _me_?” He jumps up from his spot on the chair. “Why the _fuck_ would he be scared for _me_?”

Hopper tries to get between him and Max at the spike in his anger, but Max waves him off. El comes over and takes Hopper’s arm to hold him back. 

“Billy…” Max reaches out for him and Billy slaps her hand away. She gasps and backs away as Hopper shakes El loose and stands in front of the teen. 

“You need to go. Don’t you think she’s been hurt enough?”

Billy blinks a few times and then looks at Hopper, who is standing in front of him, his hands on his hips and a stern look on his face. He looks over at Max. “I didn’t… I didn’t mean it. I wasn’t angry…” 

El frowns. “You’re scared, too.”

Billy shakes his head. “No, I’m not scared of anything.”

“You’re scared of _yourself_. You think you’re like him. You think you’re going to _be_ him. You’re not fighting against who you are or who you were. You’re fighting against who you think you’re destined to be.” 

El speaks calmly, but her words are like daggers into Billy’s soul and he holds his hand out as if to physically ward off the blows from the truth of what she’s saying. “Stop, please… I can’t do this.”

Max steps out from behind Hopper. “You weren’t angry with me. You couldn’t handle me touching you, could you? It’s like that night. You felt safe and you let us comfort you. But you don’t feel safe right now, do you?”

Billy glances up at Hopper and then at Max. “It _is_ safe, though. It _is_! And then this happens and I hate it. I don’t understand it.”

Max waves Hopper back and approaches Billy slowly. “Grayson and Kyle said this happens sometimes.” She seems to talk more to Hopper and El than Billy. “He has panic attacks. I saw one once. It hit him fast. This one seems to be toying with him.”

“Don’t.. don’t talk about me like I’m not here, Max. I’m here. I don’t…” He shakes his head. “Why would Harrington do that? Why would he think he knew? He could have asked. I mean… he didn’t need to, but if he’d asked….”

“You’d have beat the shit out of him. Let’s be honest, Billy. You would have _murdered_ him. Look at you right now. You can’t even handle the thought of someone helping you. And if Steve had known that Neil was the monster that he is, he would have gone after him. I’m glad he didn’t. Steve doesn’t do well in fights.”

Billy nods. “He would have, wouldn’t he? He would have gone up against Neil and I… I would have stopped him. I would have fought him for the chance… just the chance that Neil would see me on his side. That he’d know that I was his son and that he’d feel proud of me. He’s my dad and he… he’s supposed to be _proud_ of me. The scholarship, the college acceptance, the state championship… I did all of it for him and yeah, I wanted to escape, but I wanted a _dad_. I had nobody…. There was never anybody…”

He chokes back a sob just as Max throws her arms around him. “Billy… you’re not alone. You have Grayson and Kyle now.” She rests her head against his chest. “You have me. I may really hate everything you’ve done. Everything, but you’re my brother. And I’m your sister and we’re family. And even when family is super fucked up, they’re still family.”

“Neil’s family…”

“Neil’s not even human. Doesn’t count.”

Billy laughs then, the panic starting to ease in his chest. The release brings more tears, but it’s enough and he wraps his arms around her for a moment before dropping to his knees in front of her and holding her tight. “Max… Max I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. Please… You don’t have to. I know you don’t, but please don’t tell me to disappear. Please tell me that you want me to get better. Please.” 

She runs her fingers through his hair and looks up at the ceiling, fighting her own tears that are streaming down her face. “Billy… I’m trying to forgive you. I _am_. I won’t lie to you. I’m not there yet. But…” She forces him to look at her. “I’m so _proud_ of you for trying. I want you to keep doing that. You keep doing that and you come back here at Christmas, okay? You come back and we’ll see about getting reconnected… as real family this time.”

“You mean it? Max, I don’t ever want to force anything on you. Ever. It’s okay if you never want to see me again. I get it.”

“You’re dumb. I said I did. You don’t get to tell me what I mean, alright? Look, you hurt me. You hurt others. You _were_ like him. He hurt you and you hurt me and you know it. Grabbing me, saying mean things to me. But you’re not going to do that anymore. You don’t have to be him, Billy. You’re choosing something different.” She hugs him to her again. “Please come back to me. Please be the brother that I thought you were in the beginning, okay? We’re going to be okay. _You’re_ going to be okay.”

Hopper and El allow the siblings to have a few minutes and wait until the two separate and Billy is prepared to go, once he promises to be back for Christmas. “Thank you, sir, for taking care of my sister. I can never repay you for that.”

“You don’t have to, kid. We love Max. We’ll keep her safe.”

Billy nods. “I know you will.” He looks over at El. “If you…. Get through… to Steve… Can you make sure he feels safe, too?” He frowns. “Dustin thinks he could be stuck, like being held against his will or something. Do you think that’s possible?” 

El and Hopper exchange a look and Hopper grunts as he thinks about the implications. “I didn’t… but now that you say it, it kind of makes sense.” He sighs. “If you girls are okay here, I think I’m going to head into the station and make some calls. Somebody has to know something.”

Billy waves to El and gives Max one last hug, after she gives him a sealed letter for Grayson with the instructions to give it to him and leave him alone about it, before walking out with Hopper. He gets in his car and looks toward Hopper. “Hey… if you find him… can you let me know? I just want to know that he’s alright. I know I don’t have the right to ask but-“

“Sure, kid. I’ll let you know. You really going to come back at Christmas?”

Billy nods. “Yeah, I don’t want to lie to Max anymore. I told her I’d be back and I mean it.”

Hopper thinks about that for a moment and then nods his head in approval. “It’s a start.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The next few weeks are a whirlwind of projects and final exams. Grayson had taken the paper from Billy, read the letter, shoved it in his pocket and never spoke of it again. Billy didn’t ask and he never told Kyle about it. 

Grayson seems to get back to himself quickly once they’re back on campus and he throws himself into basketball and spending time with his cousin. Billy and Kyle spend time together, but usually with others. Their relationship is still strong, but they both know that it’s not going to be forever and they’re okay with it. 

Billy talks to Max a few times and she makes sure to get time on the phone with Kyle and Grayson. He also gets one very interesting call from Dustin's mom, but he keeps his distance from everyone else. He knows that Jonathan called Grayson once and Nancy called Kyle, but he never asks about those conversations. All he knows is that Grayson is always quiet after talking to Max and he seems relaxed after talking to Jonathan. Billy thinks the two might be becoming friends and he's glad because he wants Grayson to eventually feel comfortable going to Hawkins with him since he wants to make a lot more trips. After Kyle talked to Nancy, he was impossible to be around for nearly two days. He slammed doors and snapped at everyone, including Billy. And then he'd take Billy to bed with a gentleness that Billy wasn't sure how to read. It was as if Kyle was apologizing to Billy for something or trying to protect him. Either way, Billy felt as if Kyle treated him like he was fragile and he's glad it only lasted a few days. He shudders to think what Nancy could have said to him to cause that reaction. 

As Billy aces his finals and solidifies his spot academically, he continues to grow and change. He starts seeing his therapist regularly and doing some hard work. He manages to get three sessions in before winter break. Another week and he’s shopping and packing and getting ready for Christmas in Hawkins. Oddly enough, Dustin’s mother during that phone call has asked to host him and he’s pretty freaked out. He’s certain that Max had something to do with it and he’s not about to turn down any bit of acceptance from anyone at this point. He starts preparing for his stay there and is happy that he has a job now so he can afford some things he finds necessary for this trip. The gift for Steve, though… that’s the big one. He still isn’t sure how he managed it, but he’s going to make it work. He promises himself and Steve that he’s going to make it work.

As he gets ready to go and is about to hug Grayson and Kyle goodbye, the phone rings. He picks it up, in a good mood for once. “Hello?”

“Billy.”

Billy frowns at the sound of his sister’s voice. “Max? What is it?”

“Neil’s home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like this final chapter of Billy's before I get to Steve and then bring them together (not for romance yet). Be warned, next chapter will be triggering and awful and really not something you should read if you're feeling vulnerable at all. I will put a summary at the bottom of that chapter, but please be safe.


	24. One Month Ago - Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve escapes the conversion center. 
> 
> HIs last month of hell is revealed. 
> 
> WHY it's not over is revealed. 
> 
> That's about it. Please mind the warnings and read the beginning notes for the chapter for more warnings. Read the end notes for a super short summary of what the chapter is about if you don't want to read it all the way through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The nice thing about being home sick is that I can write more. So there is a LOT of rape/non-con in this. It's also pretty sick and twisted and there's some serious Stockholm Syndrome-ish stuff going on. I tried to make it more realistic than it sometimes portrayed in TV and movies. Sometimes it's a bit more subtle and that's what I did here. I just want to warn people because rape and assault are NEVER okay and nobody should buy into the lie that it's not that bad. And even when you think you made a choice, if there is any coercion or fear involved, it is NOT a choice. It's assault. There is also some homophobic language in here. The interactions in this are very detailed and can absolutely be disturbing so, again, be very careful and I will write a summary in the end notes.

Steve stares at the door again and wonders who is going to come through today. It’s always someone. He has to shower every morning and clean himself thoroughly. And he does. The punishment for refusing is painful and he has to do what he was supposed to anyway so soon his rebellion fizzles and dies. He gets up and showers and then takes his place on the mattress. He doesn’t dress. He doesn’t move. He only eats when forced. And when he goes to the bathroom, he takes another scalding hot shower and then goes back to the mattress. Sometimes he sleeps, but then he has nightmares. And afterward, he wakes up in another nightmare so there is no real rest for him. Sometimes he thinks he feels an itch in the back of his mind as if someone is there, but it’s too far away from who he is now and he can’t connect to it. He isn’t sure he wants to. He isn’t sure he ever wants to be reminded who he used to be. It would make this situation hurt so much worse. At least now he can pretend that he’s a shell… an empty shell that can’t be hurt anymore. And yet he still cries at night sometimes. He still thinks that maybe his father will change his mind and come and get him. That hope is what damages him the most. 

This time when the door opens, it’s Father Purcell again. Steve slowly blinks and looks up at the man. “Father…” He gets up slowly to his knees and looks up at him. He’s always so willing to take anyone in his mouth now if it means he can be spared the pain and humiliation of being fucked. Other than Victor and Marcus on that first day, he’s always safe. Father Purcell insists that nobody expose themselves to the “gay plague” and Steve isn’t sure how that applies to him since he’s not really gay. He’s had desires and he’s had some dreams and hopes regarding a few boys in his past. He’d forgotten them before this experience, but he’s certain of it now. Maybe he likes men _and_ women. Maybe he’ll never like anyone again. He doesn’t really know and he’s not sure it matters if he never leaves. If he dies in this place. 

“Now, now… none of that, Steven. I have a guest for you. Your father thought that I should keep in touch with this person since you’ve hurt him more than most. You need to repent and this is your chance.”

Steve frowns and then shakes his head. “Billy… he’s here?” He feels his heart leap in his chest. Billy is an asshole and he hates Steve, but there’s no way, once Steve tells him what this place is like… there’s no way Billy will leave him. He’ll take him out of here. He’s stronger than Steve. He’ll take him away. Maybe he’ll leave him on the side of the road somewhere, but at least he won’t be here anymore. But then he thinks that maybe Billy is here to be punished like him and he starts formulating a plan in his head to get them both out. 

“Billy… the poor child you molested? No… no, that would be cruel to him.” He turns toward the door and gestures to someone. 

A man walks in and Steve frowns. He knows this man, but he can’t recall from where. He’s big, muscular in ways that aren’t obvious. Steve can tell that this man has real power in his body. It’s not just muscle like normal. It’s not like Billy or Tommy. This man is solid. The thought makes him shudder. “Do I… know you?”

The man frowns at the boy and then looks at the Father. “Why is he naked?!”

Father Purcell has the audacity to look sad. “Steven is a sick young man. He only wants to fuck the men who come in here to help him. It’s so shameful. We can have him dressed for you if you’d like…”

“Yeah, I’d like that very much. Jesus… I’m not a fucking pervert.”

“Of course not, sir.” 

Steve stares up at this man in relief. “Thank you… thank you for wanting me to put clothes on.” He crawls over to the corner of the mattress and lifts it slightly, pulling out his scrubs. He pulls them on and then stands. He walks over to the man with the pale eyes and paler hair, the mustache and stone cut jaw making him look scarier than most. 

The punch comes out of nowhere and Steve slams into the wall of his small room. He slides down the wall and looks up at the man, who glares back at him. “You made my son a faggot by putting your whore hands on him and now I want you to pay.”

Steve studies him for a moment through bleary eyes and then his breath freezes in his throat until he can choke out the words. “Mr. Hargrove….”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The rest of the day is filled with beatings. Steve can barely walk for all the hits and kicks he’s taken from Neil Hargrove in some sort of revenge for hurting Billy. He tried to tell him that he never touched Billy, but he soon becomes aware that Neil isn’t going to listen to him. 

Eventually, things shift and the next day Neil is sitting on the floor on the other side of the room and he talks about Billy like he’s worthless and not important. Steve isn’t sure why the man is punishing Steve so much for hurting someone that Neil doesn’t even seem to _like_ and he asks him as much. The question is answered with more hits and kicks and between all of it, he hears Neil talk about how Billy was a mistake and how he hates him and how he made his father into a monster. By the time he talks about how he couldn’t stay out of his boy’s room and how he tempted him, Steve begins to understand that things are about to take a turn. 

Neil is above him and he’s choking him and slamming his head back into the mattress one second and then he’s crying and leaning into Steve. “I’m not a faggot… I’m not…”

Steve’s eyes are wide and he has no clue whether this man is going to be able to get him out of here or not or if he’s going to run away and never come back. “I… I know, Mr. Hargrove. I know you’re not. It’s… It’s okay… we can leave and nobody has to know, okay? Nobody. It was just… just a lapse in judgment.”

“No, you don’t understand. I did everything right. I dated his mother. I got her pregnant and took responsibility. That’s what a man does. I never acted on those urges. Never. I’m stronger than that. And then Billy… he looks so much like her. And she was safe. So I go into his room, you know?”

Steve nods, somehow managing to hide his horror. “Yeah… yeah, I know. I get it.”

“You saw it, didn’t you? That’s why you went after him. He begs for it. He flirts and he shows off.”

“Yeah… yeah, I saw it. I understand what you went through. You… you’re not alone. You didn’t do anything wrong by thinking about it.” Steve wants to cry at how easily the lies slip from his lips, but he’s so desperate to convince this man that he’s on his side… that he has to take him out of here. But he still needs to know. He will never forgive himself if he doesn’t know how bad it was for his rival. “You… you didn’t… you said you didn’t hurt him, right?”

“I would never hurt my son. I keep him in line. I make sure he knows his place, but I’d never push him into fucking men and I’d never let him lure me to it, either.”

Steve breathes a sigh of relief. “Okay, so we’ll go. We’ll leave here and forget everything, alright?”

Neil starts to weep harder. “He made me a queer. I was doing so good and now I’m a queer.”

“What? Um… no you’re not. It’s okay…” He rubs his back and thinks that he has to get this guy to pull it together to get him out of here. “It’s really okay….” 

“Yeah… okay… yeah, it’s okay.” He looks at Steve and the boy shudders at the desperate look he sees there. “It’s okay.” He suddenly smashes his lips against Steve’s. 

Steve freezes and then starts to whimper. He can’t survive this. He can’t. This was supposed to be his way _out_. This was supposed to be the _end_. It was over and now the hope that he had is ripped away from him. It’s never going to get better and he’s never going to escape. The thought angers him and he screams against Neil’s mouth. He lets the rage consume him and he shoves the man with all his might. He tries to attack him, but he stumbles, still weak from the beatings the day before. 

Neil stands and stares at the boy. “You understand, don’t you? You, more than anyone, knows what it’s like to be tempted and to be judged. But it’s okay. It’s okay to have you. You’re ruined already. Nobody… Nobody is ever going to want you now.”

The truth of his words cause Steve to hesitate, to let down his guard. Suddenly he finds himself slammed down to the mattress again and he screams. 

Neil grinds down into him and mouths at his neck. “Scream all you want. Nobody can hear you. And if they could, they’re not coming to help. There’s _nobody_. Do you understand how much you need me right now? You and I are the same and nobody cares. Nobody is going to save you. Give up. It’ll be easier.”

“You don’t have to do this! You _don’t_! Please, I can help you. I can make all of this disappear. We’ll just go back and nobody will know. I won’t tell..” He sobs brokenly. “I won’t tell anyone.”

Neil leans down and whispers in Steve’s ear. “I know you won’t. Because if you do, Billy and Max might not be as safe as they are right now. Would you like that? Would you like them to take your place? I already have to keep Max in line to show her what a lady is supposed to be like. Maybe I’ll teach her what a man likes.”

Steve whimpers as the idea of Max or Billy being subjected to their father’s perversions. “No… please don’t hurt them. Please…”

Neil smiles against the other boy’s lips as he lifts up for a chaste kiss. “I can’t get to Billy right now. He’s in college now, you know. Basketball scholarship.”

Steve nods, hurting once more for the loss of that opportunity. “I… I know. I want you to know… I need you to know that I’ve never hurt anyone and I never touched Billy. I swear. And I never did it once, let alone multiple times. I know what he said, but-“

“What are you talking about?” Neil sits up then and stares at Steve in confusion. “Billy left the day of graduation. He never said shit about you after he said what you did. And then the fucking story changed and he started saying you didn’t touch him and… ugh, he’s so confusing. I think he realized that he’s the one who lead you into it.”

“Wait… what? But… people came forward to tell lies about me. They… they said I hurt them, too.”

“If you fucked around with other people, that’s on you. I don’t know anything about that. This is the first I’m hearing about it.”

Steve can feel something inside of him and he’s not sure exactly what it is at first. It’s only after Neil leans forward again to kiss him that he remembers what it really feels like to fight for himself and he slams his fist into Neil’s face and runs for the door. He yanks at it until it breaks open and runs upstairs. He opens the door in time to run into Marcus. “No… No, you were wrong. I don’t belong here! You have to let me out. He’ll tell you! It was all lies! I don’t belong here!” He continues screaming his innocence as he’s dragged back downstairs. 

Neil is waiting for him, wiping the blood from his nose. He glares at him. “You know… I could have been nice to you. But you fucked up. You really fucked up.” He pulls back and slams his fists into Steve’s stomach as Marcus holds him from behind. After a few hits, he motions for Marcus to put him on the mattress and then leave. As Steve hits the soft surface, he chokes on another sob and tries to get up, failing and dropping back to the mattress. 

“I can’t… Please… you’re Billy’s _dad_! Please don’t do this… Please…” He continues to beg and then he feels himself being turned onto his stomach. “Oh God please… please don’t… please… please Mr. Hargrove! Please don’t do it!”

He feels his scrub pants being yanked down to his thighs and then his shirt being ripped down the back and a finger probing at him. Neil grunts above him. “I don’t… I don’t even know how…” He groans. “God, but I’ve wanted this. Since the first time I saw your prissy little ass. I knew you were the one. I knew it. Billy, that fucker… he was supposed to befriend you, bring you over to the house. But no, he went to school with a fucking attitude and it was all ruined. I didn’t even get the chance to mention making you his friend… the social prestige of the Harrington name… he could have been willing to do it for that. But you met him first. But now you’re here and I can finally have this… this is a fantasy that I had… your beautiful eyes… like a woman… you’re like a woman. Soft…” 

Steve buries his face in the mattress as he sobs. He wants the man to shut up. Listening to him go on and on makes him think that this is his fault, that his looks… his name… had something to do with this. And he thinks about how he wanted to groom Billy to be someone who lured boys, lured _him_ in for his own father’s pleasure. While not everyone is innocent, most people are victims in their own way. And Billy started it. One lie. It’s all because of one lie and now his life is ruined and he’s here, under this sick man. This sick man raised Billy and it all makes a little more sense. But not enough for him not to want to tell Billy just how fucked up he made his life, just how much his lie hurt him. He holds onto that bitterness, hoping that it takes him away from what’s happening. But Neil is nothing if not persistent. He’s clearly getting more and more turned on as he speaks. Soon Steve hears the distinct sound of a belt being undone and he struggles again. But then Neil is strapping the belt around Steve’s wrists and kissing his way down the boy’s back. Steve struggles anew. He won’t have Neil treating him like a lover. It’s too much. “Please stop… Please Mr. Hargrove…”

“Neil… Call me Neil…” His lips move to his shoulders and then his neck. 

“No… I won’t do that. I won’t give you that.” He chokes on another sob. “You can’t have _that_.”

He whispers again. “I can get you out of here. I can make you a deal. I take you home and you’re mine… only mine. Would you like that? I can make all of this go away. I stay here for the time I said and then I find a reason to take you home. Home, Steve. You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Home? You’d… you’d do that?” He whimpers. “You’d take me home?”

“Maybe… you’ve been pretty bad today. Maybe if you’re better as time goes on.”

Steve lets himself cry for a moment and then shakes his head. “I… I don’t think I can…”

Neil starts sucking on Steve’s earlobe. “Say it…”

Steve arches away as Neil begins thumbing at his nipples. He whimpers again and finally lets go. “Neil…”

Neil suddenly lifts up Steve’s hips. “Oh God… say it again. Please…” He spits into his hand and strokes himself. 

“Neil…” His voice breaks as he says the name. And then he’s screaming as Neil shoves his way inside of him. He slams his forehead down on the mattress and desperately tries to relax enough to take the man but he struggles to position himself with his hands bound. He barely has time to adjust, still suffering from the various times men have been rough with him, before Neil is thrusting into him. As the thought hits him that Billy Hargrove’s father is _inside_ of him, he screams again. He’s not sure he can make it as long as he needs to in order to get home, but he’s got to try. He knows he can escape once he’s out of here. He knows it. He doesn’t even know when Neil finishes as he’s exhausted from the crying and the pain. He feels the older man pull out and paw at Steve’s flaccid cock. 

“Next time, baby. I’ll make it good for you next time.” Steve stays quiet as the belt is removed and the man stands up. “Look on the bright side, Steve. At least you didn’t have to spend the holiday alone. Happy Thanksgiving, beautiful.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Neil calls his wife a few times and is annoyed that he’s not getting an answer. But he also hopes partly that she’s finally decided to leave him. It will make things easier for him and he won’t have to fuck into her while thinking of smooth skin and slim hips and a tight ass. He won’t have to think of milking someone else’s cock any longer because it was going to be a reality for him soon enough. 

He stays away for two days. He insists that Steve be cleaned up and that a new mattress be placed in the room. The lock on the door was replaced within the hour and he begins to plan their exodus from this camp. He knows that Mr. Harrington had already told him that he gets the final say on whether Steve should stay or go. That much power has earned him some time away from Hawkins and prying eyes and he’s going to take advantage of it. 

He goes back to the room after he’s had time to talk to Father Purcell about the growing unrest in Hawkins about Steve’s absence. It’s not entirely a lie. Hopper had been to his house no less than five times since the boy had disappeared, asking questions and treating him as if he was hiding something. Things had gotten worse in the last two months. Max had mentioned that kids at school were beginning to wonder what had happened to him and he was approaching the status of “Hawkins Mystery Disappearance.” He can’t have that. He can’t have all the attention on the boy when he’s so close to having something that he wants. Granted, Steve Harrington is not the only boy he saw in Hawkins who struck him as lovely to look at, but something about taking down the richest boy in Hawkins was too tempting to ignore. Add to that the boy was alone most nights, it seemed perfect. He remembers hearing from other parents about the boy and his empty house, how it was “party central” for the other teens. 

When he opens the door to the room, Steve is as he requested. Sweatpants and a t-shirt and bare feet. He’s fresh out of the shower, hair blow dried and soft. Neil beckons the boy to stand and he does. 

Steve isn’t sure what’s going on and he can only figure that Mr. Hargrove is taking him home finally and he has to look decent. He doesn’t know how the new mattress figures into it, though. Maybe just to keep him comfortable for the last few nights while he recovers. He stands for the older man, nervous about what’s going to happen and if he’s going to finally get out of here. “Sir…”

Neil frowns. “Do _not_ call me that! What did I tell you to call me, boy?”

Steve swallows past the lump in his throat. “Neil.” He shift his gaze downward, not sure what he’s supposed to do but getting an increasingly bad feeling. 

Neil moves closer and cups Steve’s cheek. “This doesn’t have to be bad. I can make this so good for you. Or I can go home and let Max or Billy do it. Either way, I get a nice time with someone, right? The difference is, if you make me happy, maybe I’ll keep you. I can take you home.”

Steve keeps his composure as he looks up at the other man, save for one moment where a tear escapes. “What… what do you want from me?”

“Just stand here. Don’t fight me.”

Steve chokes back a whimper because he can take anything as long as it means escape. Going home is his only chance to get it. He nods. “I can do that.”

Neil pulls him close and kisses him gently, letting his lips linger for a moment before pushing against Steve’s lips with the tip of his tongue. Steve cringes, but lets him in. He tries to answer Neil’s ministrations with his own, but he ends up focusing on not gagging into the other man’s mouth instead. He finally pulls away. “Sorry… sorry, I couldn’t breathe.”

“It’s okay… It’s alright, Steve. I’m here for you.” He kisses Steve’s cheek and then moves to his neck, his tongue licking stripes up to his jaw. He moans at the taste of the boy. 

Steve shudders and can only describe the feeling as a slug on his skin. He squirms a bit and pulls away again. “Tickles….” He hopes he can keep things up so he doesn’t have to deal with anything for too long. He just wants the man to fuck him and leave so he can be alone. He’s pretty sure he can’t keep faking benign excuses to get the guy off of him. 

But then his hands are around Steve's waist and he’s kissing at his neck again, nipping at the tender flesh there and Steve tilts his head back to get as far away from that searching mouth as he can, but it has the opposite effect as one of Neil’s hands come up and stroke the other side of Steve’s neck. “You’re so beautiful.”

Steve backs up a step. “Mr. Hargrove, I-“ The backhand takes away any thought of what he was going to say and Steve puts a hand to his cheek, trying to stop the tears from the smarting pain there. 

Neil puts his hands up to show he’s not a threat. “I’m… I’m sorry about that. But you should know not to make me angry. I demand respect, Steve. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Now… what are you supposed to call me?”

“Neil.” Steve is surprised at how young and small his voice sounds now and he can admit that he’s truly frightened of this man. He’s not stable at all and, unlike his other tormentors, he has no idea what to expect one minute to the next. He shudders to think how Billy and Max must feel at their home. He swears for a second he can hear Dustin in his head telling him to stop being such a saint and worry about himself for once, but it’s really not in his nature. Then again, neither was being a whore and yet here he is. And now he’s Neil’s whore. 

“That’s right. Neil…” He grabs Steve by his hair, which is nowhere near as long as it was, but certainly more full than it was in the beginning after it was shaved. Neil has just enough to fist his hands in it to hold him fast. He kisses him again, plundering his mouth while his hand slides to Steve’s lower back and gently strokes the soft skin there between the pants and the shirt. He finally comes up for air and smiles at Steve’s swollen lips. “Do you even know how good you look? I can’t wait to see those lips around me.”

Steve’s eyes widen. He’s been made to do acts like that before, but he doesn’t want the warning. He doesn’t want to think of it. Sure enough, he feels his stomach turn and he does everything he can to focus on something else. He remembers a song that he heard in the taxi on the way to the center. It was newer and he can’t really remember the tune, but he knows there were some lyrics that were kind of cool. He struggles to remember them and soon he’s no longer in the room. His mind is so focused on the mysterious lyrics that he can still feel Neil’s mouth on his, can still feel his roughened hands against his skin, but he doesn’t think beyond that and it’s comforting. When he’s pushed down to his knees, he comes back to himself, but he never had time to think about what he would be doing and that’s something he might be able to handle. 

He stares at the fabric in front of him confused and then feels a hand petting his hair. “Take it out, boy. Show me how much you want it.”

Steve closes his eyes in anguish. He doesn’t like that Neil is being sweet. He doesn’t like that he’s taking the last piece of sexual intimacy away from him. It’s all he had left, the promise of being safe and loved in someone else’s arms and now that’s gone, too. Even that is torture now and he hates it. He hates himself. He hates the thought of living. And he does what he’s told. He fumbles with the belt buckle and tries to fight the feeling of disgust that bubbles up as Neil continues to stroke his hair. He opens up the button and pulls down the zipper and moves the cloth of the briefs aside. It’s the first time he’s seen the man up close and personal and he shudders because this is Billy’s _dad_. He leans in and takes the man into his mouth, willing his hands to stop shaking. Just when he’s close to gaining some sort of control again, Neil finds a way to shatter it. 

“Look up at me. Open those beautiful eyes and look at me.”

Steve squeezes his eyes shut and is horrified to find wetness there. He looks up and is struck by how hungry and predatory Neil looks. As the older man moans and whispers his praise, he starts petting his hair again. 

“God, you were made for this, beautiful. Those sweet tears… all for me. You love this. I can tell. It means everything to you to make me happy.” He starts thrusting into Steve’s mouth, gagging him on it until he cries out his release. “Take it, beautiful. Take it. Don’t reject it. Don’t… I’ll make you pay… I’ll make them pay…”

Steve swallows dutifully and then sobs silently while he processes what Neil said about making _them_ pay. He tries to find solace in the fact that it’s finally over, that he can rest now. But then Neil is kicking off his pants and kicking them into the corner of the room. He pushes Steve down onto the mattress and settles beside him. “What… what are you doing?”

“I’m making love to you, my beautiful boy. Did you think we were finished? We have all night. Hell, we have weeks. I’ll show you how much I want you… how much you mean to me. You’ll see… I’ll treat you right and you’ll never get hurt again.”

The low timbre of Neil’s voice starts to lull Steve into a false sense of security. He knows that it’s fake, but he also knows that he can keep this man on the hook until he gets out of here and can finally escape all of it, like he’s been wanting to for so long. He keeps thinking about it. He knows it’s a thought that will remain. So he clings to it. “I’m… I’m scared.”

Neil rolls over toward him. “I’m here, Steve. I will show you how good it can be for us. Our little secret, right?” He kisses Steve again and then removes the boy’s shirt slowly. He fondles his nipples and licks at them until Steve whimpers. Neil chuckles. “There you go…”

Steve bites down on his lower lip. He hates it and his body wants more. It’s the one conflict that he hasn’t been able to wrap his mind around. Father Purcell had managed to get him to climax a few times and he’d always needed permission first, but this was different. It’s not clinical as much as it is sensual and Steve wants to die. 

Neil licks down the boy’s belly until he gets to the waistband of his sweatpants and then he slides those off, too. He groans when he finally gets a good look at Steve uncovered and wastes no time in taking him into his mouth. He moans and then pulls back. “It’s so good… Better than I thought. I knew… I knew it would be better than putting my face into that wet mess of Susan’s.” 

As he goes back to his task, Steve frowns at how he talks about his wife. He remembers being with girls when it wasn’t against his will and he remembers how good they tasted and how he loved when their juices would coat his chin and his lips and how much he loved hearing them scream his name. But now he has memories of disgusting used up women who didn’t bathe well and who suffocated him with their bodies. He feels more tears fall as he thinks back on it and he shakes his head. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

Neil pulls off of Steve and looks up at him. “Look at me, Steve. Watch what I do to you.” 

Steve does as he’s told and is immediately sickened. It takes a few moments for him to set his eyes on the man’s hairline instead so that he doesn’t have to see the display there. It causes him to immediately go limp and by looking elsewhere he can pretend that the person sucking him is anyone. If it weren’t for the man’s mustache, he would have more options to choose from. But then Neil reaches into the pocket of the shirt he’s still wearing and pulls out a small bottle. Soon, Steve feels Neil’s finger circling his pucker and he jerks in surprise. 

“You’re going to like this. I’ve read so many things and watched movies and I’ve been waiting for so long for someone like you… I want to try it all…”

Steve squirms, not sure he likes the idea of the man using him as his own test subject, but he also takes comfort in Neil’s words. If he’s been waiting for him, that means he hasn’t hurt anyone else. He watches as Neil swallows him down again and shudders once more as Neil’s eyes lock onto his just as his finger breaches him. He huffs out a breath and tries to pull away a little, but then Neil crooks his finger until Steve nearly arches off the bed. “No…” He bites down on his lip, refusing to feel pleasure with this man. Refusing to allow him to slowly bring him to a climax. But then Neil is moving over him again, his mouth moving in tempo with his finger, as it strokes him firmly and carefully. Steve whimpers in pleasure. “I don’t… I don’t want this. Please don’t… Neil… Neil, I can’t…” He continues looking at the older man, but this time he’s pleading, no longer caring about the look that Neil is giving him as he pleasures him. As the man’s eyes stare back at him, Steve sees they’re nothing like Billy’s at all and that somehow calms him. Billy’s are bright blue and reflect the light as if there’s something there trying to break through… something good. But this man, Billy’s father, has pale eyes that are more gray than blue. They’re almost colorless and they are cold and lifeless, like a corpse. He’s pulled out of this thought by the spike of pleasure that shoots up his spine. “Oh God… no no no…. 

Neil pulls up and pushes another finger in, moving more aggressively before sitting up and taking Steve’s weeping cock in his hand. “I want to see it, beautiful boy. Let me see what I do to you.” Steve cries out in pain and twists his head away, but then there is a sharp tug as Neil squeezes him harshly. “ _Look at me_!” 

Steve does then and the hand gentles and strokes sure and true. Neil’s fingers push and stroke and caress and then the pleasure breaks through the fog of his willpower and he keens as he tries to climax. But then realization seems to hit Neil and the look he gives is dangerous. Neil licks his lips and stares at Steve, straining and whimpering. He smiles cruelly. “Come for me, beautiful.”

Steve cries out his release and sobs as his body spasms around Neil’s fingers. He tries to curl in on himself, hating every moment of pleasure that he felt. And when Neil crawls behind him and turns him, holds him close, and strokes his hair, Steve can’t help it if he nuzzles closer and takes the comfort being offered as long as it gets him home. As soon as he accepts the disgusting man’s touch, he wonders if this is how Billy felt. If Billy needed to escape his own hell so bad that he would have done anything, even things that he never would have done otherwise, just to get away. And for a moment, he forgives him. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The next morning, Neil helps Steve into the shower and rubs his body down with the soap there. He backs him into the wall and kisses him, moving so their cocks slide against each other and Neil is panting into Steve’s mouth. He turns off the water and leads Steve back to the mattress, not caring that they’re both dripping water everywhere. He claims his mouth again before pushing a finger inside of him. As Steve tenses, Neil whispers softly and calls him beautiful and precious. At one point, he refers to him as angel and Steve wants to laugh because he’s pretty certain that he’s not dead yet. 

When Neil sits up, ready to push into him, Steve tries to wriggle away again, but Neil stares him down and Steve is pretty sure that the man will physically harm him if he doesn’t stay put. As Neil pushes forward, he keeps his eyes down to where their bodies are joined. Steve can tell that he’s watching the whole process and it leaves him feeling raw and exposed. It isn’t long before he’s sucking in big gulps of air against the pain and fighting the tears that threaten to spill. He’s so tired of crying. 

“Shhh…. It’s okay, angel. You’re doing so good. You’re perfect, you know that? Look at you, taking all of me. Just a little more…” He pushes forward more and then leans in to kiss Steve. “Feel that? You’re mine now. You’re all mine, precious.” 

As his movements begin, Steve registers they’re slow and steady and he moans in frustration, not wanting to be taken gently. He doesn’t want to find any pleasure in being raped. He whimpers at the thought. He tries not to think of that word. He tries not to remember it even exists because if it’s a word, that means he’s suffered through it and he doesn’t want to. He can’t be _that_ person because it isn’t real… it isn’t a _thing_ for that to be part of his life. He throws his arm over his face, not able to face it anymore. 

The sounds that escape him vary between moans of pleasure, moans of pain, and sobs cut off by hitched breaths every time Neil moves just right, or just wrong. When Neil grabs his ankles and spreads him obscenely, he puts both hands over his face and squeezes, not willing to see the man enjoying the view. He manages to hide for awhile, but then Neil wraps a hand around him and starts causing more pleasure than pain and again Steve cries out his release as soon as Neil gives him permission. Neil follows soon after and Steve expects another round of cuddling and finding comfort. But that’s not what happens at all. 

Something about the situation sets Neil off and soon he’s yelling at Steve and accusing him of making him a “queer.” He tosses out crass words left and right and then screams at Steve that there’s something wrong with him and how he’s been tricked by Steve into doing something unholy. Steve loses track of the punches and the kicks, but eventually one kick to the head submerges him in blessed darkness.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Neil frustrates Father Purcell to no end. He’s put an end to all visits to Steve except by him. He’s told Father Purcell that he has to leave sooner rather than later and that Steve will be leaving with him. He’s also told him that Mr. Harrington has agreed to this as he’s no longer paying and he’s also getting asked too many questions about Steve’s whereabouts. Purcell confirms this and begrudgingly has Marcus and Victor find Steve’s belongings from that first day in order to have it ready when Neil finally decides to leave. 

Purcell notices a pattern with the two men. When Neil is loving and kind, he beats Steve to within an inch of his life. The doctor has been out two times in two weeks for checkups to make sure ribs aren’t fractured and his skull is still intact. But Neil is most loving and comforting after sex after being a sadistic monster sexually. Fisting led to a call to the doctor for stitches and Steve screaming in agony while Neil held him and apologized as if he wasn’t the one to cause all the damage. Victor and Marcus have been invited to join in once or twice on special occasions. Neil wanted all manner of positions. Sometimes Neil would watch as Marcus would use one end of Steve and Victor the other. Sometimes Neil would insist one of them push inside of Steve next to him while one uses his mouth. But most times, Neil is alone with Steve. It is only due to the video camera Purcell had hidden in the room that he even knows there is a pattern to the treatment, but eventually he’s pleased that Christmas is coming and that the man will be out of his home and no longer his problem. He’s got enough footage from all of Steve’s time with various people to get what he wants. All those people handing over their money and thinking that’s all Steve is to him. But it is the footage that will keep the cash rolling in. Too many of the men involved have high level jobs and families they want to protect. He grins at the library that Steve has provided and closes up the door to his office as he leaves to say goodbye to his best client. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Steve isn’t quite sure what’s happening when he gets out of shower and Neil isn’t there. He was dismayed to see the blood running down the drain today, but doesn’t want to tell anyone as he’s sick of doctors and stitches and creams. After the brutality of last night, Neil had stayed with Steve and stroked him and held him all night until he fell asleep. He snuck into the shower and now Neil is gone and there is a pair of his sweatpants and one of his t-shirts on the mattress. There are socks and Steve whimpers at the vision of his sneakers on the floor next to the doorway. He lifts the sweatpants and sucks in a breath when he sees the briefs there. He pulls them on and sighs in relief. The sweatpants and t-shirt follow slowly due to various injuries from last night. He pulls on the socks and shoes, tying them carefully. It takes two or three tries as his fingers get used to the movements after months without having shoe strings. He feels the skin on his back stretching from two nights ago when he’d whispered Neil’s name reverently after a particularly strong orgasm. He barely remembers how many times the belt buckle ripped into his skin before he stopped. Steve lost consciousness soon after. But someone bandaged him up and stitched the deeper wounds. Still, the uncomfortable pull reminds him that Neil is only a means to an end. Just like he was Billy’s means to an end. He thinks he gets it now.  


He stands up and looks around his room, thinking that something is different, but unable to place it. It takes almost ten minutes before he sees that the door isn’t locked and is just barely open. He goes over to it and stares at it. He places his hand on the door and slides it down to the door knob for a second and then he shoves it shut and scrambles to sit on the mattress. He holds his knees to his chest and shakes with the concern that he’ll be punished for the door being ajar. 

It takes another fifteen minutes before he gets up and goes to the door again. He opens the door slowly and looks around. Nothing is there and nothing is stopping him from going upstairs. But he doesn’t. Instead he goes back downstairs and closes the door. In the next ten minutes, the door opens and Victor and Marcus walk in. Steve shivers and backs up. “Not… not again. Neil’s gone, isn’t he? Neil’s gone and you’re going to… you’re….” He starts to cry out, begging it to stop even though he’s not really sure what he wants to stop at this point. 

But then there are hands on him, on his face and in his hair and holding him tight. And there’s a voice in his ear whispering words of comfort and calling him beautiful. Steve clings to the person with the calming voice and comforting hands and sobs brokenly and he’s told over and over that it’s okay to cry. 

He opens his eyes and Neil is leading him out of the room and up the stairs and he stops shy of the threshold. He sees the sunlight and shivers because that’s not for him. He doesn’t get sunlight and blue skies. He gets darkness and isolation. He gets stale air and fear. He feels the tug on his arm and looks at Neil, who nods his head at him. “Come on, beautiful.” Steve steps forward and winces as the light hits him. He keeps his head down and shuffles alongside Neil, half thinking that he’s going to be yanked back into the basement soon. He barely breathes, terrified that this reality is fragile and not destined to stay for long. He digs his fingernails into his arm a few times, wondering if he’s dreaming. As he gets to the main house, he steps back, but Neil holds him fast. “You’re fine. There’s no gate back here.” 

Steve turns around and looks at the shed. He can still see part of the stairs going down and he tries to force himself to breathe. He’s not sure how to feel being out of there. He’s not sure how to handle being free. But then he reminds himself that he’s not free. He’s only out of the room with the chipped door knob with the white paint smear. The main house had its share of horrors, too. He allows himself to be pulled along by Neil and looks over as Marcus hands a bag to Neil. _His_ bag. He remembers it from the first day. 

He glances over to the left and sees an open door to Purcell’s office and he shrugs loose of Neil’s grip and walks toward it. He pushes the door open and goes over to the crucifix. He looks at it for awhile and traces the pattern on it. He feels someone’s hand on his shoulder and looks to see Father Purcell smirking at him. “Would you like it, Steven? I know you admired it so much while you were here.” 

Steve backs away slowly and feels when he starts to shut down. He hears Purcell and Neil talking and it all jumbles together until Neil takes his arm again and guides him out the door. He tries to get another look at the crucifix, but it’s too late and he’s walking in the main hall toward the front door. Again, he stops. He looks back at Marcus and Victor and Father Purcell and waits for the punch line. He looks over at Neil and takes a breath. “Is… is it real? Can I leave? Am I leaving? I’m not coming back?”

Neil strokes his hair. “Steve, do you trust me? Do you want me to take you home with me? If you do, you won’t have to come back, okay? I’m leaving today and you can come with me, but only if you want to. If you really want to be with me, I’ll take you out of here, but if you don’t… I won’t force you.”

Steve considers what he’s saying and tries to wrap his head around it. He doesn’t want to stay here, but if not staying here means he wants to be with Neil, he isn’t sure how to do that. Maybe that’s what he wants. It’s all confusing to him and he hasn’t had the chance to make a choice in so long. He looks to Neil. “What… what do you think I should do?”

“I think you should be with me, don’t you? I’m good to you, aren’t I? I take care of you when you’re hurt and I’m willing to take you out of here, even after what you did to my son. I know you feel bad about that and I’m willing to forgive you. Would you like that?”

Steve nods. “Yes… I want… I want that.” He moves closer to Neil. “I… I want to go with you. I want to _be_ with you.”

Neil smiles at Purcell. “Thank you for everything, Father.” He leads the boy out and helps him into the car, noticing how carefully he sits down. He pulls away from the center and watches as Steve slowly breaks down in the seat next to him. He puts his hand on Steve’s knee and rubs his thumb softly over it in soothing circles.

Steve takes his hand and continues looking out the window. He pulls himself together quickly. “How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long was I there? You said it was Thanksgiving when you first got here.”

“It’s about a week until Christmas. We’ll be dealing with some temperature changes on our trip. We’ll stop and get you some clothes on the way.”

Steve nods. “Okay. When will we get home?”

“About three or four days. It’s a pretty long drive.”

Steve nods again. “We’ll stay in hotels?”

Neil squeezes his hand a bit harder at the question. “Yes. Why? Are you thinking you might run from me? Because you can. I won’t mind. I’ll just keep heading north. I have other people to occupy me at home.”

Steve shudders and looks down at his lap, almost ashamed of the fact that he wants to run even knowing that Max and Billy will be in danger, but he pulls himself together yet again and shakes his head. “No, I won’t run.”

“Good. This can be a nice trip for us, Steve. Don’t ruin it, okay? I did a lot to get you out of there. I would think you’d be grateful. I can always take you back.”

Steve turns quickly toward him. “No! No, I’m sorry, Neil. I’m so… No, I mean.. I’m grateful. I am. Please..”

Neil glances over and then shrugs a shoulder. “Alright… I suppose I believe you. But maybe we’ll have to see…” He starts playing with the catches on his pants. “You want to show me, Steve? You want to be my beautiful boy?” He looks over again and strokes a tear from his cheek. “God, I love when you cry. You’re so gorgeous when you cry, you know that? You’re so fucking beautiful when you’re used and soft hearted. Look at those eyes…”

Steve has gotten used to Neil going on and on about how beautiful he is when he cries and he’s sick of it. He’s sick of being what Neil wants, but he also can’t go back. He has to escape and that means being out of that place. He turns toward Neil and adjusts his seat belt. “It’s okay… let me….” As he lowers his head, he half hopes that he can pleasure Neil right into an oncoming truck.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The trip takes a total of three days and 10 hours. It’s dark when they reach Hawkins and Steve tries not to be disgusted by sitting next to the man who has made this trip like a honeymoon of sorts. He doesn’t look around at the town because he’s not sure he believes he’s back. The silence in the car is eerie and he finally looks up when Neil stops. He barely registers he’s at his house and the nausea kicks in. He swallows down the urge to vomit and opens the door. “You’re not taking me to your house?”

Neil shakes his head. “This is your house now. Parents left it to you along with a shit ton of money. They don’t want you. Don’t want you to have their name, either. We’ll get everything in place. You’ll be Steve Hargrove before you know it and then we’ll make some arrangements, okay?”

Steve continues to stare up at the dark house in front of him. “I don’t… I don’t have a key.”

Neil digs in the glove compartment and holds out the key. “Take your bag and go in. I’ll come back later tonight, alright? I have to go deal with things at home.”

Steve takes the key slowly and then gets out of the car. Everything feels surreal as he picks up his bag from the backseat. He closes the doors and shivers at the loud sound the doors seem to make in the evening hours. He walks up the drive and stops to turn. He sees Neil waving him forward and then turns back to the house. He manages to get up the steps and then fit the key into the lock. He’s almost surprised when the door opens. As he closes the door behind him, he hears Neil’s car pulling away. He looks out the window and sees the tail lights disappear down the road. He drops his bag by the door and shrugs off the coat they’d gotten for him a state or two back. He was hoping to see a fluffy white snow, but it was melting in a lot of spots. He’s not sure how. He’s freezing. 

He goes over to the spot where his father had beaten him senseless. He stands there and stares at the spot. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but it must be at least an hour because then he hears the door open and he turns around to see a shadow passing in front of the light from outside. He hopes beyond hope that it’s from the Upside Down and that it’s almost over. 

“Angel? You in here?” The lights come on and cause Steve to blink. “There you are. Sitting in the dark, beautiful?” He comes over and takes Steve’s hand. “Sorry it took me so long. Susan left. There was a note. Looks like Max is staying with some friends so I called the number and she wasn’t there. Talked to um… a guy. Anyway, she’s not my problem anymore. And Billy was in town I think. That’s what I got. Apparently he was here and Susan up and left. He’s always ruining something. I’d be better off if he just disappeared. Maybe like you did, huh? You’re a good guy, but someone like Billy… I still have that guy’s number. He’d probably-“ 

Steve stops his train of thought by kissing him. He won’t let anyone go to that place. Ever. Not even Billy Hargrove. He shoves Neil back until he falls onto the couch and strips his shirt off before pulling at Neil’s clothes. 

“Whoa… Damn, you are ready tonight, aren’t you?” Neil laughs. “But let me get a fire started, okay? It’s still a little chilly in here.”

Steve watches from the couch as the man fusses over the fireplace and his mind wanders to what it would be like for Billy in a place like that. He’s pretty sure that Billy wouldn’t have broken like Steve did. Billy would have been out in a month. Billy would have behaved long enough to escape or he would have gotten past the others. He’s good at fights. Steve isn’t. He loses track of time again as Neil comes over and licks a tear off of his cheek. “Come here…” He pulls Steve up and goes over to the mirror near the fireplace. Steve can make out the tear tracks on his cheeks glistening in the firelight. “See? You’re beautiful, just like I said.”

Steve stares at the reflection for long enough that Neil starts calling his name. He’s not sure he’s really seen himself in a long time. He avoids mirrors when he can. But there he is. He looks tired and worn out. The last time he saw himself in a mirror, he thinks, he was a virgin… with guys. Now he’s a used up whore. He hates the tears. Tears are for innocents and he is far from innocent anymore. He makes a promise that he's not going to cry again. He won't feel anything again. He won't be beautiful for this sick man ever again. He looks away. Neil pulls him back over to the couch. “So… where were we, angel?”

Steve shakes off the melancholy. The goal is to distract him from thinking about Billy and Max and he has to focus. He turns away from the mirror completely and kisses Neil. “I… I want you.”

“Yeah?” Neil smiles. “You want me, huh? I’m right here, Steve.”

Steve steps back so he’s backlit by the fire and slowly strips off his clothes. “We’ll need something to… you know, make things easier.” 

Neil goes to the front hall where his bag is and comes back with a vial of lube. “I brought it with me. I figured we’d need it soon. I didn’t think this soon, though.”

Steve shakes his head. “I’m better. I just want you. I don’t want to talk about anything or anyone but us, okay?”

Neil nods. “Yeah, I think that will work for me.” He smirks. 

Steve wonders briefly if Neil knows what he’s doing. If he thinks threatening Billy and Max will get him into his bed more. It’s working, but he doesn’t want this sick shit to know him that well. He watches as Neil takes off his own clothes and sits back on the couch. He tosses the lube to Steve and the boy knows enough by now to prepare himself. He drops to his knees and takes Neil into his mouth while his hand reaches back to work himself open gently. The pain is unreal, but he has to keep him occupied and he knows this is the best way to do it. When Neil pushes him away, he turns to get on his hands and knees, but then finds himself getting manhandled back to the couch. “What are you doing, Mr…. What are you doing, Neil?”

“We’re doing this right. It’s our first night back in Hawkins.” He sits up on the couch and strokes his cock a few times before moving Steve over him. “Now… lower yourself down, beautiful.”

Steve frowns. “I… But we usually…”

“You got a problem with this?” Neil’s hands tighten on Steve’s arms. 

“No… No, it’s okay.” He positions himself and then pushes down. He takes slow and even breaths to get past the sting of being sexually active so soon after his mistreatment by Neil on the ride up to Hawkins. Before long, Neil has his hands on Steve’s hips and he’s moving him, taking away the control from the younger man. Steve grunts in pain, but disguises it as groans of pleasure.

Neil pulls Steve closer so they’re in an incredibly intimate embrace and Steve can’t help but lean into the comfort again. He pretends that the person holding him is someone who doesn’t mean him any harm, but he doesn’t even know what that feels like. He just wants to escape and he has to find a way to get away from Neil long enough to implement the plan. As Neil begins to move erratically, his hand comes down to stroke Steve. “Come for me, precious.”

Steve obeys and moans softly as he manages to have a slightly unenthusiastic orgasm. He feels Neil finish inside of him and then they sit there in silence. It takes about five minutes of soft breathing and caresses for Neil to flip the switch. His hands tighten again around Steve’s arms and Steve is suddenly thrown backward onto the floor. “Neil… Neil, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Neil stands and pulls his pants on. “You fucking faggot! You did it again! I’m not like you! I’m not some queer that gets romantic with another guy!”

“No! No, you’re not! It was my fault. I…. I made you do it. I did. Please calm down. Please.” He puts his hands up as the first blows rain down on him. 

Neil finishes up an hour later and goes to grab his bag from the front hall. “I’m going to sleep at my house. It’s quiet there. If you can behave, I might come over tomorrow. If not, I’ll just go visit the kids.”

Steve curls up in front of the fire and listens to him leave, taking some pride in the fact he never cried during the ordeal. After being beaten yet again, he had to endure Neil’s sadistic sexual side and now he doesn’t even think he can move to get up on the couch. He carefully reaches up to get the blanket laying there and pull it over him. He shivers in the heat of the fire until the crackling sound turns into a taunt in his mind. As the sounds lull him into a nightmare filled sleep, all he can hear are the ghostly whispers in his head. 

_Welcome home, Steve…_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Neil comes to the center and manages to convince Mr. Harrington to let him take Steve back to Hawkins. He rapes Steve frequently but reveals that he has a twisted fascination with the boy and has for awhile now. He offers romance and gentleness one minute and violence the other. Steve sees him as the only way to get out of the center and "willingly" does some things with him. Eventually he gets back to Hawkins and Neil makes it clear that he expects their relationship to continue or else he will hurt Max and/or Billy.


	25. Today - Billy and Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy gets home and tries to find Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting right up to the end of this part. I would highly advise you to go back and read the first chapter if you'd like to get yourself ready for the end. I've tried to bring it full circle, but if you think I screwed up, please let me know. And remember, there is a sequel coming. But i needed to split this whole thing up into parts for my own sanity. LOL. 
> 
> Katelyn Tarver's You Don't Know was my inspiration for this chapter. If you want to listen to it, you can. It always makes me sad, but I also relate to it so much. 
> 
> Warnings for thoughts/plans for suicide. If you'd prepare not to read this chapter, please see end notes for the summary.

Billy has never driven so fast in his life and that means something. He’s not sure if the rental car can take it and he doesn’t really care. Hearing that his father is home usually wouldn’t upset him, but knowing that he called to try and talk to Max frightens him. What frightens him more is El swearing that Steve is close by. He’s been skeptical from the first time it was hinted that she was psychic or some shit, but he’s starting to hope that she is. And that feeling she hit him with a month ago wasn’t a joke. He has to wonder if Neil knew where Steve was this whole time or if Steve’s dad paid Neil to sneak him into town quietly. So many scenarios are rolling around in his head that he barely notices when the signs for Hawkins appear. He considers going to see Max first, but knows that he should go to Dustin’s to get him and the other kids if necessary. He asked Max to call the others and not go nuts looking for the other teen until he gets there. Max agrees and told him that if anyone could shield the kids from Neil, it would be Billy. 

He has to admit that hearing that feels good. He is hopeful the others will put the same faith in him, but he’s not counting on it. He really can’t. And his past actions that put Steve in a place where he didn’t feel he could come home weren’t that long ago. He shudders to think that Neil and Steve’s reappearance could actually be linked. Then again, he’s probably being overdramatic. By the time he gets to the Henderson house, he’s amped up. Dustin greets him wordlessly and leads him to the guest bedroom. Once Billy has set all of his things down, he turns to Dustin and they stare at each other, unsure what to say or how to start. 

Billy finally breaks the ice. “So… where’s your mom?”

“Over at the Wheelers. She and _Ted_ are friends now.”

Billy chooses to leave that completely alone. “So what’s the plan? We all going to look for Steve?”

“Do you think you should? I don’t think he’s going to want to see you.” Dustin frowns at him. 

“I know, but I can at least find him and tell you where I find him, right?” He starts tapping his foot, wanting to go. “I have to stop by my old place first. I just want to see if my dad is there. If not, maybe I can find the key to the storage unit there and get my car.”

“Don’t break in. Max may have the key since she cleaned some things out. At least wait until we can go or tell you where your dad is so it’s not as risky.”

Billy’s touched. “Thanks… that’s really nice of-“

“Doing it for Max. Not you.” He sits down on the couch. “Okay, Jonathan is picking us all up. Max and El are going to the new mall. Will and I are going to the arcade. Mike and Lucas and Jonathan are going to the quarry to look around and then Jonathan is taking us over the diner that Steve likes. Then he’s coming to you at Steve’s house. So don’t break in there, either. Just sit outside until he gets there.”

Billy gives him a mock salute. “Yes, sir.” He heads for the door and then stops. “And if one of us finds Steve?”

Dustin shrugs. “Simple. Don’t let him out of your sight.”

Billy nods. “I can do that.” 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Steve lies on his stomach on his bed, naked, uncovered, and spread-eagled. His face is turned toward the window and he gazes out at the stars he can see. He listens to the rustling behind him and waits. He’s finally gotten his escape planned and he can’t do it until Neil leaves. He came over in the late morning and now it’s late afternoon and Steve wants to vomit. The man brought his things with him, or a lot of them. He’d moved them into his parents’ bedroom, what used to be their bedroom, and informed him that they’d be moving in together. 

Steve doesn’t really care. He doesn’t even want the fucking house and once he leaves, Neil can have it. He closes his eyes as he feels Neil stroke a hand down his back. “Okay, angel, you relax. I’m heading out and I’ll be back tomorrow sometime. Soon, we’ll be here together and I’ll get to enjoy this nice big house with you. That’ll be nice.” He presses a kiss to Steve’s bare shoulder and then he’s gone. 

Steve doesn’t move. His eyes stay closed and he listens for the sound of the car pulling away. He gets up slowly as Neil was particularly rough with him earlier. But he can’t complain too much because he’d rather deal with that then the kind whispers and soft caresses that turn into beatings. He counts to 100 after he can no longer hear the car and gets up. He goes to his window and sees the sky continuing to turn dark. He looks out of the window for a few moments and then turns away. He doesn’t want to see the outside world anymore. He has to concentrate. Escaping Neil’s grasp is going to be tricky, but he’s figured it out. Just like escaping the center. Now he can escape it all.

He walks into the shower and turns on the water, stepping under the hot spray. The feel of the sting of heat causes him to suck in a shuddering breath. He grits his teeth in order to stop the tears. He refuses. Neil loves it when he cries. Neil calls him beautiful and says he looks like a broken angel and Steve wants to kill him. But he doesn’t. He takes it. He doesn’t want Neil to call Max beautiful or precious. He doesn’t want Neil to call Billy an angel. He closes his eyes against the warmth of the water and the memory of the day he saw Billy for the first time. 

He remembers the feeling in his belly of want and desire that he didn't understand, but he wanted to explore. 

He remembers the feeling of fear as Victor and Marcus came toward him. 

He remembers the first time he knew Billy hated him and how he couldn't figure out why that hurt so much. 

He remembers Father Purcell telling him that God loves him and that’s why he’s being punished. 

He remembers seeing Billy in the shower and feeling him against his back on the court and wondering what it would be like to fumble for purchase in the back seat of a car to get closer and closer. 

He remembers the agony of being fucked for the first time and the sweaty chest and foul breath of the man who terrorizes him now. 

He remembers his deepest secret that he shared with nobody and his confusion that he still loved the gentle embrace of a girl. 

He remembers Billy somehow knowing the secret anyway and telling everyone who Steve Harrington really is, even if it was a lie that brought it out in the open. 

He remembers wanting to be loved by someone like Billy Hargrove. 

He remembers being told he’s loved by a monster like Neil Hargrove. 

He gasps as the memories overtake him. None of it matters now and he’s okay with that. He doesn’t want things to matter anymore. They can’t, not if he wants to really run and not care about anything left behind. He knows he can’t stay here and he knows he can’t come back. 

He finishes washing his hair and scrubbing his body where he’s able. Bruises and scratches litter his body and it’s difficult for him to get completely clean. Soon. He’ll be clean soon and he holds onto that.

He dries off and goes to his dresser. He rummages through it until he finds some simple boxer briefs. He chooses the black ones and smirks. He feels like his soul is an empty void now, black and unending, like a pit to Hell. He pulls them on, amused at his own morbid attempt at distancing himself from the moment. His black jeans slide on easily and he notices that they’re just a little baggy. Losing weight hadn’t been so obvious in scrubs and sweats. The dark green polo shirt covers up the big bruises and he turns his head as he looks in the mirror. He’s used to his reflection now that he knows it’s a shell and the real him has gone away and vows never to return. The split lip hides the fact that it’s been bitten so often. The marks around his throat are hopeless and he looks around for something else other than the shirt, settling on a black turtleneck. It isn’t his favorite, but he’ll make due. He spreads his arms out and frowns at the all black ensemble he’s managed to choose. The other bruises are there, but can be explained away by a fight. Under the clothes, though. Bite marks, scratches… more…. That’s not something that will be missed at the end, when he’s held by a stranger in a cold room. 

He looks down at his bare feet and something about that soothes him. It reminds him of being a small kid and running around without shoes and socks on and being outside and feeling the warmth of the concrete against his soles. How it would be hot and he’d run to the pool to cool his feet off and how it felt even better when he slipped under the water afterward. He shakes off the memory. That’s a summer memory and this is winter and it’s never going to be summer again so there’s no point in thinking about it. 

He tugs at the sleeves of the turtleneck to make sure he can fold them up if needed and then pulls at the wrists to keep it loose enough not to restrict his escape. He’s hoping he won’t need to detour. He’s hoping that he can face his biggest fear. He’ll be a hero in those last seconds before the escape. A hero in his own eyes only, but maybe that will be enough to erase everything else. He doesn’t want to carry it with him anymore. 

He leans toward the mirror and looks into his own eyes. Something about his reflection gives him an idea that what he sees is an alternate Steve, a fake Steve, who hasn’t gone through everything that he’s gone through. Mirror Steve looks at him as if he’s begging him not to leave. And if Steve talks back to the image, then maybe he’s crazier than he originally thought. 

_Don’t do this. Be patient._

“I know you’re trying, but I’m not okay. I’m tired and I can’t do this anymore.”

_Don’t give up. Don’t let go._

“I can’t fight anymore. You’re over there and you don’t know what things are like over here.” 

_You can do this. You can stay. I can see that you’re strong. Keep your head up, Steve._

“I’m sick of it! I can’t do it anymore! I don’t want to try! I don’t want to fight! Don’t you get it? I’m done!”

Mirror Steve looks back and says nothing, but he looks so sad and sorry for Steve. 

“Don’t look at me like that. You don’t understand. Please let me go. Please… I don’t want to see what you think I need. I don’t want to know what you know. I don’t want anything to get in my way. It’s too late.”

He leans forward, his forehead resting against the smooth cool glass. He’s trying to leave and he’s certain that his image is saying goodbye to him in its own way. It won’t exist soon, and neither will he. He stands and walks downstairs slowly, taking in the feeling of his hand against the banister and his feet against the stairs. He takes a deep breath and feels it expanding in his lungs and releasing. He stands still at the bottom of the stairs and focuses on the beating of his heart. Another deep breath and he’s moving into the kitchen. The slick slide of the drawer is loud in the quiet of the house. He pulls out the large knife and sets it on the counter before moving to the front door. Once he makes sure the door is locked, he goes back and picks up the knife. 

He walks to the patio door and sees the sky continue to darken and the lights around the pool come on. He steps out into the chill night air and goes to the machine that’s buzzing softly with the heat. Neil had turned it on yesterday with the hopes of a winter swim soon. But Steve doesn’t want to take a warm winter swim in Barb’s grave. It seems disrespectful.

He pulls back the tarp that’s still on the pool. He told Neil that it would make the pool heat up faster, but now he thinks he just didn’t want to look at it. Now it’s going to be his doorway to escape. After he finishes pulling the tarp back, he gets on the diving board and watches the sky over the woods until he can no longer make out any light other than the ones around the pool. 

And the escape begins. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy drives over to his father’s home and waits for about five minutes. The car is in the driveway, but he wants to make sure that his father isn’t going to leave again. He doesn’t want anyone running into him. He ducks down when the door opens and watches as his father lights up a cigarette. Billy squints his eyes and thinks that his father might actually look kind of happy and he’s not sure what the hell to do with that information. Regardless, it doesn’t look like Steve is there and he’s not sure why that thought even came into his head. His father doesn’t even know Steve other than what Billy stirred up with his stupid fucking lie. As his father goes back inside, he sits up. He recognized the outfit. It’s the one he usually wears when he’s watching TV late and falls asleep in front of it. Knowing that his dad is in for the night, he heads out to the Harrington house. 

He goes over in his head what he’s going to do if he sees Steve. 

_“Hi Steve, it’s me, Billy. I’m evil incarnate. Would you like to kill me?”_

_“Hi Billy! How are you? I’m okay now and I’m too nice to kill anyone. Do you want to come in for cookies?”_

Billy groans. “Jesus, Harrington, you’d better at least hate me…” His mind wanders again. 

_“Steve, it’s me, Billy, can we-“_

_Steve pulls a gun out from behind his back and aims it right at Billy’s forehead, practically touching the metal to skin._

_“Steve, I’m so sorry.”_

_“I’m not.”_

The loud crack of imagined sound makes Billy gasp and he rubs at his forehead. “Shit, okay… maybe just drive.”

When he pulls up in the driveway, he frowns at the lack of a vehicle there. He was hoping to see a few cars and Steve laughing with friends or family after his long trip away from Hawkins. Maybe with a new girlfriend. Maybe with a new plan for his future. He gets out of the car and lights up a cigarette, staring up at the house. “Okay, King Steve, let’s see if you’re here.” 

He walks up to the front door and is about to knock when he thinks twice and tries the knob instead. It’s locked and he’s not surprised, but he doesn’t want to knock. Something about that seems too familiar and he’s not allowed to do that. He goes to the window where he watched Steve being beaten and tries to will himself back into the past, to a place where he slammed his fist through the window, to a place where he saved the boy instead of condemned him to Hell. He shakes his head. It’s not good for anyone, especially Steve, for him to sit around and think ‘what if’ about everything. What’s happened has happened and Billy is committed to doing what he can do to help Steve heal from whatever the hell his father put him through, even if that means that the brunette hates him forever. 

He pauses as he thinks he hears a sound from the back and he walks toward the gate. He is about to open it when he hears a tapping sound. He looks through a space in the boards to see Steve sitting on the diving board. It isn’t that the water is steaming hot, causing a mist to rise up around the boy in an eerie display of loneliness. It isn’t the fact that he’s fully dressed in black clothes that definitely don’t double as swim trunks. It isn’t even the bruises on his face. What causes Billy to do something that he’s not planning on doing that night is the knife he sees catching the light and it’s in Steve’s hand, which is clenched tight around the handle as if it’s a lifeline. 

It takes one glance to see the lock on the gate and he knows if he yells out and startles the other boy, something horrific will happen. He turns and sprints to the front of the house. It takes three tries for the front door to splinter and break open and one stumbling fall before he makes it to the patio door. He slides it open very slowly, standing to the right and behind Steve as he takes the first step outside. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he knows that if he doesn’t do something now, Steve Harrington will die tonight. And it’s all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'm already halfway through the next chapter. The next chapter will not be the last, though. There's going to be one or two more chapters to wrap up Billy's Christmas break. 
> 
> Summary: Billy arrives in Hawkins and the Party makes plans to find Steve since, thanks to El, they know he's close.  
> Steve ends another session with Neil and makes a plan to kill himself.  
> Billy gets to Steve's house, sees what's going on, breaks into his house and ends up standing at the patio. Steve doesn't know he's there yet at the end of the chapter.


	26. Tonight - Billy and Steve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy and Steve have a confrontation. You might want to read chapter 1 again before reading this one as this chapter starts out with Billy's POV of the very first chapter of the story. Happy reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be MINDFUL! This talks about suicide and is slightly graphic! Suicide is NOT completed, but only because someone is there to save the person AFTER the fact. Summary at the end. 
> 
> Be AWARE that this is close to the end of the FIRST PART of this series so please don't get too disappointed at a lack of complete resolution. There is so much more to come. This is NOT the last chapter of this part of the series. But it's close. 
> 
> I'm a little weirded out that I finally got this far. Chapter 1 was a one-shot because I was really struggling with depression and then I thought I'd write a little something and now here we are. I guess that's how creativity works sometimes. Thanks to everyone who has stuck with it so far.

Billy tries to stay quiet as he doesn’t know what Steve is thinking right now, but it can’t be anything good. Regardless, he doesn’t say anything because Dustin specifically told him to keep him in sight, but they both know that Billy is the last person who can help Steve. He needs to wait for Jonathan and he can do that. He’s not happy about Steve sitting outside, but he also knows that it’s probably safer than Billy meddling right now. 

Billy is spooked by how Steve keeps tapping the knife on the diving board. He can’t really see the boy’s face anymore, but he knows from what he saw when he was at the gate, the bruises are fresh. Maybe he got into another fight wherever he was. But there’s no way he got those bruises at a resort. This leads him back to thinking about Steve being kept against his will somewhere and his father’s return to Hawkins at the same time. Then he starts thinking of his father above him, the slick slap of his hand on his cock and the grunts. The fear he felt on those nights crawl up his throat to choke him now and the thought of what that would have meant for Steve isn’t even in the same universe as the possibilities Billy can fathom for what could have happened to the teen. 

He moves out of the patio doorway and creeps over to the side just a little bit, but freezes when he hears what sounds like a growl coming from the other boy. Billy’s breath catches as he sees the glint of light reflecting off the tear trailing down Steve’s face. He’s clearly trying not to cry and that breaks Billy’s heart because he’s had so many opportunities to feel everything he needs to feel and Steve… hasn’t. Not really. If he had, he wouldn’t be fighting his sadness so hard right now. Billy thinks that the only reason he’d be fighting it is if it’s the only thing he’s felt lately. It hurts him that someone like Steve would be so used to sadness that he’s now sick of it and Billy has no doubt that this is his fault.

The tapping starts again and it grates on Billy’s nerves, as if it’s reminding him that he’s only standing here watching a boy fall apart because of him. 

“Here kitty….” Billy gasps at the same time Steve does and wonders if it’s for the same reason. Billy hasn’t heard Steve’s voice in months, but he knows it never sounded like _that_. It never sounded so wrecked and broken. It never sounded so hopeless. When Steve whimpers, Billy almost steps forward to speak, but then Steve is taking a deep breath and calming himself down apparently. So Billy waits. 

But then the tapping starts again and it takes on a bit of a rhythm and Billy can’t stand it anymore. Just as he starts to walk forward, Steve yanks up the sleeves of his shirt. 

“You’re taking too long, mother fuckers. Soup’s on… _Take me!_ ”

Billy’s eyes widen and Steve moves so fast that Billy barely has time to yell out before the knife comes down on Steve’s wrist. 

Steve turns his head slowly and stares at Billy, hearing the yell and not acting as if he’s even the slightest bit surprised. In fact, Billy thinks, he doesn’t look like Billy is even really here at all and Billy starts to wonder if maybe he _isn’t_ because nothing has ever felt so surreal to him as it does right now. 

Steve lets his hand drop to his side as he faces Billy and the blood drips from his fingers to the board, splattering into the water. 

Billy stares at the blood and is grateful that it’s not dripping as quick as it could be. He also knows that it is only chance that kept that knife from opening up the whole vein and he won’t be that lucky next time. “Harrington? Steve… listen, man, I need you to come inside, okay?”

Steve points at Billy with the knife. “You’re not supposed to be here. You went to college.”

Billy frowns at how “dead” Steve sounds. “I’m on break. For Christmas.”

“Christmas.” Steve frowns as if he’s trying to figure out where he’s heard that word before. “Oh. Merry Christmas.” He brings the blade to his already bloodied arm. “Not fast enough…”

“Wait! Just… wait, can I… Can we talk?”

Steve looks up at him, the point of the blade still against his skin. “About what?”

“About you and me. About us? About what I did. I lied, Steve. I lied about all of it. I was jealous and that’s not an excuse. It’s not. I was wrong. I _am_ wrong! Listen to me, you’re a good person and I’m not and I was selfish and you got hurt and that’s not fair and I need… I would like to make it up to you and I can’t do that if you’re… if you’re…”

“Dead?”

Billy’s air rushes out of him at the word. “Yeah, I can’t do it if you’re dead.” He slowly starts to walk around so he can get to the board. 

Steve turns with Billy’s movements and his eyes follow him, still looking lifeless. 

“You won’t have to anymore. And... I know Hopper can keep her safe, but I need you to get Max. I need you to take her to California, but not where you were before. And it has to be you and her and nobody else, okay? Just... don't ever let anyone near her except the kids and someone new. But nobody else and..." He shakes his head. "I should have taken care of that before. I should have taken care of her _and_ you. I'm so sorry I forgot. I didn't mean to." He takes a deep breath. "I need to go.” He switches the knife to his other hand and brings the blade to his unmarked arm. He starts to press in. 

“Steve! I'll take care of Max, but I could use your help and... I know… I know that you’re trying _so_ hard, okay? I know that things have happened. I don’t know _what_ , but I know that it’s really bad because that’s the only reason you would _ever_ think that this is the only way out. You’re _so_ strong. But Steve, you don’t have to be. You don’t… You don’t _have_ to be. You’re not alone.” Billy can feel the tears run and can’t be bothered to care how emotional he looks right now. 

Steve’s eyes meet his and he smiles sadly, as if he’s trying to explain something to a child who doesn’t know any better. “I _am_ alone.” 

“No! Not anymore! I’m here and I want to make things right, okay? I really do and I don’t know that I’ll ever really be able to. But I want to try and I’ve already started. I’ve told everyone that I lied. I’ve gone on the fucking radio, and to a pep rally and to the paper and I’ll keep doing it. I’ll do everything I can to make sure everyone knows that I lied and you’re a far better man than I could ever be. Please. Steve, whatever you do, don’t lose hope.” 

“I can punish you? However I want?” 

Billy nods. “Yeah, however you want.” 

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t want to, that’s the thing. There’s already been too much… too much pain. I don’t want anymore. Not for you. Not for me. Not for anyone.” 

“Jesus, you really are a fucking saint.” He rubs a hand through his hair and takes a step up on the board. 

“Get away!” Steve frowns and starts to look a little frantic. “Stop talking to me! I can’t let you… I can’t let you get in the way. It’s _my_ turn to escape. I can finally… I can do it. No gates. No walls. No locks. No…” He chokes back a sob. “No guards…” 

Billy holds his hands up, absolutely horrified at what he’s hearing, but he knows there’s no time to dive into that right now. “I just wanted to be able to talk to you better. I’m not going to come any closer if you don’t want me to.” 

Steve presses the blade in. “You should go. In case they come. You can’t be here.” His eyes dart quickly toward the woods, back at Billy, and then down to the pool and back up. “You have to run.” 

Billy shakes his head, scrambling for things to say to keep the other boy talking and distracted until Jonathan can get there. “I’m not going anywhere. I don’t think this ends for you like this, but if I’m wrong, I won’t leave you alone. Do you hear me? I’m the worst person I know and I’m still not leaving you.” 

Steve lets out a humorless laugh. “ _You’re_ the worst person you know? Trust me on this one… you’re _not_ the worst person you know. I used to think that, though… I used to…” He sobs harshly. “God, I was _so_ fucking sheltered.” He half laughs and half cries. “Shit… Shit I _wish_ you were the worst person I know. I _wish_ I was still sheltered. I wish you were nice to me when we met. I wish that when I started getting confused about what was wrong with me that you’d helped me figure it out. I wish I’d asked you out and that we were behind the school together like you said, but I wish that if I reached for you that you reached for me, too. I wish… I wish that you’d accepted me and that you’d kept our secret together and I wish for nights in the back of your fucking Camaro and blushes only for you and… and I wish that you’d treated me as if everything I had to give you was special and I wish… I wish that everything that I could give can’t also be _taken!_ ” 

Billy isn’t sure when his breath left him, but it’s definitely gone and takes a second to get back. Watching Steve Harrington break down used to be a dream and now it’s a nightmare and one of his own making and he isn’t sure if there’s a person on the planet who can hate him more than he hates himself right now. “You… Wait, so that lie…” 

“You weren’t wrong about _everything…_ I could never figure out how you knew. I started having… feelings years ago, but I thought something was really wrong with me because I still liked girls, you know? And then I learned that if people know you have those feelings, you have to be punished. I went with Tommy’s family one time to church and I’ll never forget the things I heard there. But that’s not my God. I can’t… the crucifix…” He sobs again. “Blood is red… not _orange!_ ” He shoves the knife harder into his arm, blood mixing in with the sweat that he’s broken out in. "I knew that I had to find a way to _fix_ myself so that I could… make my parents happy. So I could make what I thought was God happy, but…I never would have told anyone else’s secret about that. Never. Not if I knew what it meant. I just wanted to find a friend who knew, who accepted me, who… who was willing to… to help me figure it out. Who could tell me before I figured it out on my own that God isn’t the God that they told me about. God is good, right? I mean… if God made me and he’s good then maybe I could have been good, too. But that’s over now so I just want to know _how_ , Billy? How did you know?” 

“I didn’t.” Billy is stunned and openly sobbing now. Here he was making jokes and cruel comments about a boy who really was struggling with his sexuality. He remembers when he felt that way so many years ago and again this year. He may have been alone the first time, but he had Grayson and Kyle this time. Steve doesn’t have anyone, but Billy knows that the kids would be there in a heartbeat for him if he told them. “Look, I think… you and me… we can tell the people who love you.” Billy frowns as Steve starts to shake his head. “Steve, they’ll love you no matter what. I’ll be right there with you the whole time, okay?" 

“Really? How would you know that they’ll love me?” 

“I… I have a boyfriend and he and my friends have been really good for me. Having people around you who accept you makes all the difference. You have those people. I was here at Thanksgiving and the kids were really accepting of him.” 

Steve pales and stares at him, clearly distracted from the knife now. “Thanksgiving… you were here…” 

Billy nods. “Yeah, and you know… the kids missed you so much and I… I even said a little prayer or something like that for you. I was so happy to be included even a little bit at Thanksgiving and I kept hoping that you weren’t alone. And you won’t be for Christmas because everyone is so excited to see you.” 

Steve stares at him sadly and then he starts to laugh. “You didn’t want me to be alone….” His face suddenly changes to one of rage and he points the knife at Billy again. _I would have rather been alone!_ “ He chokes on a sob and laughs again. “Don’t worry, Billy. You got your wish. I wasn’t alone. But you’re about to be because I’m done with this conversation.” 

“No! But I don’t know anything you went through! Shouldn’t you… I mean shouldn’t you tell me? You said you don’t want other people to go through what you did because… you said you’d never tell that secret so can you tell me what happened?” 

Steve looks up again, but the knife has dug in far enough that it’s starting to bleed down his arm. 

“You’re gay?” 

Billy shrugs. “Guilty. And Steve, if you’re into guys or girls or both, that’s alright. You have _nothing_ to be ashamed of and I know that now.” 

“What’s his name?” 

Billy is taken back by the conversational tone of the boy in front of him and he feels like he’s going to get whiplash just from the emotional ups and downs that Steve is having. “Who?” 

Steve stares at him, still oblivious to the blood dripping into the pool. “Your boyfriend.” 

Billy licks his lips and glances at Steve’s arm. He is getting pretty nervous and wants to get Steve inside and get the wounds bandaged. “Kyle.” 

Steve nods. “He’s… good to you? He doesn't... hurt you?” 

Billy frowns at the fear he sees on Steve’s face. “He’s a good guy, Steve. He's never hurt me.” 

“Good. I’m glad.” He starts pressing the knife in again and then stops. “Don’t tell anyone who can use it against you, okay? Protect yourself _and_ Kyle. Don’t let them try to fix you.” 

“I won’t, but… you have to tell me, Steve. I won’t know how to protect him if you don’t tell me what they did to you.” He’s freaking out now as he has no clue what they’re talking about, but he figures the more information he can get, the better. He tries to soften his voice to make it less threatening. Steve backs up a step and he’s on the edge of the diving board now. “You… left after graduation. Where did you go, Steve?” Billy swears the pool water is getting darker from something other than all the blood. He notices the steam has stopped rising from the water, too. 

“It was… a therapy center.” Steve starts to look confused and he’s beginning to shiver. 

“Wait, you went to therapy? For _what?_ ” 

“For what I am… you know, liking guys. Hurting guys like you.” 

Billy frowns. “You never hurt anyone, not even me. I have told so many people and I will keep telling people.” 

“They did things… showed me pictures and when I looked at them… when I looked at the men…” He shakes his head. “It hurt.” 

Billy frowns, not sure what that means, but filing it away. “So they showed you pictures and hurt you when the pictures were of men. Okay… and what else?” 

“Um… the things… on my head… “ He starts tapping the knife against his temple. “The… gel.” He puts the knife back to his arm. “And the thing in my mouth and… it was so bright… behind my eyes…” 

Billy sees that Steve is starting to go into a full on panic attack and doesn’t want to push him too hard, but he’s realizing that Steve is either going to collapse and Billy can get to him to keep him safe or he’ll go through with this and Billy _might_ get to him in time to keep him safe. 

“Steve, listen to me.. I need to know… Were you allowed to leave?” 

Steve whimpers. “No… dad paid them… and they kept saying that I did bad things. I told them I didn’t. I told him... “ 

“Told _who?_ ” 

Steve shudders. “The Father…” He shakes his head, clearing it and not able to talk anymore about that place. He shoves the knife into his flesh and glares at Billy. “Stop trying to distract me!” He hears a growling sound and glances down to see that the water is clearly black now. “There is no happy ending for me, Billy! And you need to run…” 

Billy ignores him and doesn’t even care about the black water because he has no reason to be frightened of it. “You can have that happiness, too! I mean… I’m not a good person, Steve, and _I_ got that so you are definitely able to have something that good for you.” 

Steve shakes his head. “No. No, I can’t have that.” 

“You said… you said you wanted that with me one time, right? Maybe we can be friends like you wanted. Please, Steve! I know I pushed you away, but you’re so good and kind and I fucked up. I know I did, but please… if you can ever forgive me, please… I want you to be a part of my life, Steve!” 

Steve looks up at him, completely calm again. “Billy, I need you to hear me.” 

Billy takes a step closer, more terrified than ever at his tone. “I’m listening, Steve.” 

Steve looks intently at him and his voice is low, but Billy can hear it clear as day. “I would never…. In a million years… wish _me_ on _you._ ” 

The movement is fast and Steve slashes downward just as Billy slams into him and they both fall off the diving board. Billy hears a yell in the distance as he hits the water and he scrambles to hold onto Steve while also trying to keep their heads above water. Just as he starts to break the surface, Steve is yanked down and away from him and he blindly reaches out and finds his hand. He’s pulled down, too, and he’s not sure how the pool is so deep, but he finally finds something to kick off of and shivers at how soft it is. He thinks he feels something sharp try to latch on to his leg, but can’t because of his jeans and how fast he’s moving. Just as he’s about to break the surface for a second time, he hears an unearthly scream of rage. Once the air hits his face, he sucks in the desperately needed oxygen and screams for help. He nearly weeps when strong hands come down to pull Steve from his grasp before yanking him out of the now freezing water, too. 

“What the fuck happened!?” Jonathan drags Steve as far away from the side of the pool as he can and searches the unconscious boy for injuries. “Where is all the blood coming from?” He’s practically yelling now. 

Billy tries to catch his breath. “Arms… He cut… his wrists… You can’t see…. Black sleeves…” 

Jonathan’s eyes widen in horror and he yanks the wet sleeves up and cries out at the wounds there. “Fuck! Billy you have to put pressure on these! Are you alright? Are you hurt?” 

“I’m okay I think. I tackled him while he was holding the knife, but I think it’s still in the pool.” He crawls over to Steve and pulls off his wet shirt, using it to somehow stem the flow of blood. “Get me a towel!” 

Jonathan runs over to the shelving under the awning by the pool and brings a small towel out. He glances at the pool then and swears. He runs over and turns the heater on full blast. “We have to get him inside!” 

Billy looks over. “He’s going to bleed to death and you care about the temperature!? If anything, it’s safer for him to be in the cold!” 

Jonathan comes over and tosses the towel at Billy before looking him in the eye. “It’s never safer in the cold.” He pulls Steve up. “Now come on! Help me!” He carries Steve as well as he can and rushes over to the patio door, Billy stumbling behind. He settles him on the floor by the couch. “I’m going to call Hopper. If you let him die, you’ll be next!” He runs through the house, turning on all the lights as he goes. 

Billy puts his weight on the wounds. He knows one isn’t bleeding fast, but the other one is deep and Billy is shaking more with fear than the cold. “Hold on! Steve… please don’t let go. Stay here with me. Please… I did this. I know I did this. Please don’t… don’t do this to me or to you or to those kids who love you so much.” He leans close to Steve. “You’re gonna be okay. I promise, but you gotta stay. Don’t let go, Steve. Don’t let go.” 

Billy feels like it takes forever, but then Jonathan is back and he’s got another towel. Billy switches his shirt out for the towel and looks up at Jonathan, who is now putting pressure on the least injured arm. “This arm is the worst. He tried to cut the arm that you’re holding, but he didn’t… I mean it wasn’t clean. I tried to stop him. I didn’t… I didn’t want _this_.” 

“Billy, right now we have to focus on Steve.” He takes over holding the pressure. “Is he breathing?” 

Billy swears to himself. He was so worried about blood loss, he didn’t even check. He presses his ear close to Steve’s mouth and feels little stuttering breaths. “Barely, but yes.” He starts to stroke Steve’s wet hair back from his face. “I did this… Steve, I’m sorry. I did this. Please come back.” 

Jonathan studies Billy and then decides he can’t take it anymore. “Shut up, okay?” He takes a deep breath. “Sorry. I’m… I’m glad you were here, but… we really need to just get Steve better right now.” 

Billy looks around. “Where the fuck is that ambulance?” He doesn’t stop stroking Steve’s hair and then takes a turn with the pressure so Jonathan can be the one to check his breathing. This time there is none. 

Jonathan is just about to start yelling out instructions to Billy again when they hear the sirens. Billy pulls from his knowledge of a summer of junior lifeguard duty in California. “Hold the pressure on his wrists!” 

He maneuvers closer to Steve’s head and checks his pulse, which is weak, but present. He leans in, pinching Steve’s nose and tilting his head back before blowing a sure and steady breath into Steve’s mouth. He watches as his chest rises and falls and then refuses to rise again. Billy repeats himself four more times before Steve takes a breath on his own and coughs up some of the water. Billy falls back and moves away so the paramedics, who have just gotten to Steve’s side can care for the other boy. He looks over to see a hand being offered and he takes it as Hopper lifts him up from the floor. 

Billy puts his hands through his wet hair and turns and walks away, trying to get the adrenaline out of his system before it sends him spiraling. He doesn’t have time for it and he doesn’t have the right.

Hopper looks at Jonathan. “What happened?” 

Jonathan shakes his head. “Ask Billy. He was here. I didn’t show up until after the fact.” He backs away from them both. “I’m going with Steve.” He points at Billy. “Keep _him_ away from the hospital. I see him there, he’s gonna be the next patient.” 

Hopper frowns, but watches as Jonathan dutifully follows the paramedics out and two of his deputies arrive. He looks over at them. “We’re okay for now. Go see what you can do to repair that front door. I don’t need anyone trying to break in while the boy’s not here.” He watches them leave and then turns back to Billy. He can see what’s happening and figures it’s easier if nobody is here to witness it. He knows El would tell him to behave. He also knows he has to go collect these kids sooner rather than later. He walks over and places his hand on Billy’s shoulder. “He’ll pull through. He’s tough.” 

Billy turns then and leans into Hopper’s chest, allowing himself to sob out his fear over what had just transpired. “I thought… I didn’t think I could stop him. I _didn’t_ stop him. I tried.” 

Hopper holds the boy for a moment and tries to remember that although he’s caused a lot of damage to a lot of people, he’s still basically a kid and it’s not going to do him any good to piss him off or close him up. “Hey, you did what you could. Now… why don’t you tell me what happened. From the beginning…” 

Billy laughs sadly and pushes away. “From the beginning…. You mean when I came here and saw him about to kill himself? Or when I decided that he was nothing and I ruined his whole fucking life? Or do you mean when I decided not to give him a chance and unknowingly ruined _my_ life? Which _beginning_ do you want to start from!?” 

Hopper takes a breath. “Kid, let’s start with you getting here tonight. Now… you’re saying that what’s going on with Steve, that he did that to himself?” 

Billy nods. “Yeah, I guess you couldn’t really see. He slit his wrists out at the pool. I tried to get to him in time. I talked to him to stop him and it worked for awhile, but then it stopped working. I rushed him, but he’d already done it. By then, it was too late and we fell into the pool. Jonathan pulled us out once I broke the surface with Steve.” He shakes his head. “I could have sworn something grabbed him. It was so weird. And then there was a soft surface.” He frowns. “I don’t know. I guess it was the adrenaline.” 

Hopper stares out at the pool for a minute and then starts turning on more lights. He walks over to the thermostat and turns it up. “Okay, so you got him out of the pool. That’s good and then… I’m guessing you had pressure on his wounds.” 

Billy nods. “Yeah and he stopped breathing, but I got that going again just as the ambulance got here.” He sits on the couch, not caring that he’s wet. “He said something about the time he was gone.” He looks up at him. “It’s bad, I think.” 

Hopper sets his jaw, preparing himself. “What did he say?” 

“Something about a therapy center that has... guards? And that his dad paid for it and they showed him pictures and the ones of men hurt him or something.” He shakes his head. “Something about gel on his head and bright lights behind his eyes and something in his mouth. And… he was told he was bad. It had something to do with him liking guys. Oh and he talked about religion a lot and he seemed scared of someone. He called him... uh... Father.” 

"Father... as in his _dad_?" 

Billy sighs. “I don't think so? Sorry, I’m not much help. Everything was just so… crazy and I don’t know if I can get it all straight. There was a _lot_ said, but…” He frowns. “He never said he hated me and I’m not sure what to do with that.” 

Hopper sighs. “Well, take it for what it is. That somewhere deep down, no matter how fucked up things get, Steve is a good guy.” 

Billy nods. “Yeah, he is.” He stands up. “We should get to the hospital.” 

Hopper puts a hand on his shoulder. “You’re not going there.” He holds up a hand when Billy starts to protest. “Look, Jonathan Byers is a good kid, but I’m almost certain that he _will_ harm you if you get anywhere near that hospital. I’m going to check out that pool and try and find the knife with my boys. I want you to drive yourself over to the Henderson house and get changed. Take Dustin over to the Byers house, tell them what’s going on, and then you go back to Dustin’s house and sleep and wait for me to call you, okay? I promise I’ll update you when I can.” 

Billy bites his lower lip and then nods. “Okay, I guess I can do that. Oh, and you should know… he has some bruises on his face. They look new and he had them when I first saw him so I don’t know what type of therapy center does that, but it can’t be a good one.” 

“No… no, it can’t, can it?” Hopper rubs his hand over the back of his neck to loosen the muscle there. “Go do what I said. I’ll call once I have news.” 

Billy doesn’t even bother grabbing his ruined shirt from the puddles of water and blood on the floor. He heads out to his car in the cold and gets in, firing up the heater as high as he can. As he pulls down the driveway, he feels time start to catch up with itself and he makes it a block before he pulls over and practically falls out of the car and to his knees. He gags and then he’s throwing up some of the water he swallowed while he was in the pool. He wraps his arms around himself and sobs at the reality of what just happened and the guilt that slices through him sharper than Steve’s knife could have. He crawls back into the car and slams his hands once on the steering wheel and takes another moment to wail out his rage and self-hatred before leaning back and taking some deep breaths. “Fuck you, Hargrove… Fuck you! You don’t get to fall apart yet. Steve needs his kids. They… they need him, too. Pull it together.” He blinks a few times and then heads off to try and tell Dustin what happened without getting murdered. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Steve tries to kill himself with some bloodletting so the Demogorgon can come get him. When that isn't fast enough he decides to cut his wrists. Billy tries to stop him and fails but is there to immediately help with medical intervention, as is Jonathan. Steve and Billy have a confrontation and learn a LOT about each other that they didn't know before, including some information about what happened to Steve.


	27. An Old Friend - Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy gets the kids to the hospital, ignores Hopper completely, and goes to find an old friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please mind the tags and recognize that this chapter deals with some extreme self-hatred and some realizations of how someone has changed so many things in so many lives. This chapter DOES dive into suicide and the planning of it. It's a very dark chapter with a look into how someone gets to that point internally. Please be careful. If you think you might get triggered at all, skip down to the end notes and read the brief summary.

Billy realizes about five minutes down the road that Hopper spaced on the kids’ adventure to find Steve. He half wonders if the man was even let in on it. He races to the Hendersons, pretty sure he can get away with a speeding ticket in Hawkins right now, and runs up to the door. Finding it locked, he scours the front porch where Claudia had told him on the phone a couple of days ago there would be a spare key. Finding it, he tries to open the door and discovers his hands are shaking. He clenches his fists and opens the door finally. 

He runs in and strips quickly, pulling on clean clothes. He doesn’t have time for snaps and zippers so he goes with sweats and a t shirt before grabbing a blanket to wrap around his arms since his jacket is God knows where now. He thinks he pulled it off at some point when he tripped in Harrington’s house, but he doesn’t care to ever find it. 

He gets into the car and heads off again. He doesn’t know where the mall is or even this diner that Dustin mentioned, but he definitely knows where the arcade is. He pulls in, stopping with a screeching of the tires and probably takes up two spaces. He runs inside and pushes through people, yelling for Dustin. He practically runs into him. 

“Whoa! Jesus, dude, what the hell?”

Billy catches his breath and looks at Dustin and the younger Byers. “It’s Steve…”

Dustin pales. “What is it? Did you find him?”

Billy nods. “I don’t know where the diner or the mall are. I need your help. I’ll tell you in the car.” He turns and sprints outside, certain the boys are following him. He’s pretty sure they actually beat him to the car and he’s impressed. He opens the doors and gets in. “Okay, what’s closer? Mall or diner?”

Dustin and Will look at each other and finally Will decides upon the diner. “They’re equidistant and we’ll find Max and El at the mall faster with all of us looking.”

Billy nods and takes off. If the boys are alarmed by how fast he’s driving, they don’t say anything about it. Instead they pepper him with questions, or Dustin does. Will sits quietly and tries to figure out why a feeling of dread is creeping up his spine. “Dustin! I can’t tell you everything right now and we’re not getting to him any faster if I’m distracted talking to you. Once everyone is in the car, I’ll tell you!”

Dustin seethes with anger that Billy knows something about Steve that he doesn’t, but he manages to keep control of his temper. “Just tell me he’s not alone.”

Billy shakes his head. “He’s not. I wouldn’t have left him alone. Jonathan is there. He’s with him. Steve… Steve is with someone who really cares about him. I promise.”

That seems to settle Dustin for the moment and he points out the directions calmly so they can get to the diner quickly. He screeches to a halt again, gravel flying, and Dustin flies out of the car and into the building. Billy stumbles out of his car and tries to catch his breath past the sobs that are threatening. He feels a hand on his lower back and turns to see Will standing there silently, looking up at him. Billy leans his forehead against his arm on the top of the car and weeps for a moment, allowing this kid to rub his back so he can feel everything that has been trying to crash down on him since he first saw Harrington at that pool. As soon as he hears a door slam and the yelling of the kids, he wipes his eyes and looks at Will. “Thank you.” He gets in the car and lets Dustin shut Mike and Lucas up while Billy drives. Will has thankfully taken over as shotgun and calmly gives Billy directions. The boy reaches over once in awhile and pats Billy’s hand and tells him that he’s going to be fine. It’s probably the only reason the teen doesn’t wreck the car. 

At the mall, they make a very quick plan. There are three entrances to the mall and they’ve each been designated a “zone.” Billy has no clue what the place is like so his job is to drive in circles around the mall until he hears them yelling. He figures he can handle that and he drives past each entrance and drops Mike at one, Lucas and Will at another, and finally Dustin at the third. Then he drives around in circles. On his third pass, he hears the screaming and he heads toward it. He practically hits the little fuckers as they come running out between the cars to intercept him. 

He doesn’t say a word and lets them all pile in. He doesn’t even care that Max is sitting on Lucas’ lap. More power to them. He hopes Neil chokes on his hate. Billy asks Will very quietly how to get to the hospital and Will seems to understand that if the other kids know what’s really going on, it’s going to be a mass of screams. As it is, even though they’re trying to be quiet, it’s still noisy in the car. 

It’s Mike who notices first. “This isn’t the way to Steve’s house.”

The car goes deathly silent then and Max leans forward. “Billy? Where are you taking us?”

Billy swallows past the lump in his throat so he doesn’t sound as wrecked as he feels when he answers, but he’s saved by Will. 

“Billy’s taking us to the hospital.”

The stunned silence lasts for half a second before all the yelling begins. Max puts her hands over her hears and cries. El stares out the window in silence and Will sighs and sinks down in the passenger seat, having expected it all along. Mike is the first one to tell the others to shut up. “Look. We can’t do anything about this right now. We’ll get to the hospital and figure it out.”

Dustin nods. “Jonathan is with him.”

Billy glances in the rearview mirror. “Hopper knows what’s going on and he is meeting me when he can over at Dustin’s house. I’m going to head to a hotel and-“

Dustin frowns. “I didn’t say you couldn’t stay at my house.”

Billy nods. “I appreciate that, Henderson, but… Steve needs you right now. We’ll talk about it, but there’s no way I’m staying at your house if you are able to have Steve stay there. When I say he needs you little shits, I mean he _needs_ you.” He takes a deep breath, finally able to just follow signs for the hospital. “I want you to all hear me. You can hate me and I’m really cool with that. But that can’t take priority over you _loving_ Steve. Anything he tells you about himself or what he’s been through, I need you to love him through it. I don’t care if you don’t like something he says, you fucking _fake_ it in front of him, alright?” He wipes at his face. 

“Billy? You’re crying…” Max can’t help but start crying, too. “How bad is it?”

Billy doesn’t know how responsible adults handle shit like this, but Steve needs these kids to be more than just kids he babysits right now. He needs them to be his family in every way. “He wasn’t breathing. I got him breathing again, but he lost a lot of blood.”

“Shit, was it a demodog?” Lucas blurts out the question and gets pushed and shoved for his trouble. “What? I had to ask!”

“I uh… I don’t know what the hell nerd shit you’re talking about, but no… He was out at his pool and he and I talked and I kept him from it as long as I could…”

Dustin pipes up, clearly agitated. “You weren’t supposed to talk to him!”

Billy hits the brakes then and slides onto the side of the road. He turns around. “If I hadn’t, he’d already be dead! He was trying…” He stops and closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. “I’m.. I’m sorry. I know you’re all scared. I am, too.” He takes another breath. “Dustin, I wasn’t going to talk to him, but I couldn’t see him, either. I walked around the house and found him at the pool. He had a knife. I realized what he was going to do.”

Dustin shakes his head. “Steve wouldn’t do that.”

El sighs. “Yes. He would.” She looks at the others. “I couldn’t even find Steve past the emotional pain he’s been in. I think it makes sense that he wanted to get away from it any way he could.”

The mood in the car quickly goes from angry to terrified to grief stricken. 

“Look, I snuck up by him. I didn’t want to scare him. But then he suddenly… slit his wrist and I couldn’t stop him. It wasn’t… it wasn’t as bad as it could have been so I kept him talking to distract him and then… then I couldn’t distract him anymore and he just… did it.”

Will looks up at him then, scared. “Billy… is he dead?”

Billy shakes his head. “I wouldn’t lie to you about that.” He sees Mike raise an eyebrow. “I’m a liar, but I wouldn’t lie about _that._ Like I said, he wasn’t breathing. When he went to slice his other wrist, I tackled him. We both fell into the pool and I struggled to get him out.”

Max frowns. “Billy, you’re an amazing swimmer.”

“Yeah, but the water was ice cold. It was warm when I first saw him, but I guess he turned the heater off. Anyway, it was weird. He was calling something and I’d forgotten about that, but it was like he was trying to… offer himself?” He shakes his head. “Anyway, when I tried to get him out, I guess his foot got caught on something because I couldn’t pull him up and then.. I kicked something and we came up. I almost got my foot caught, too." He misses the looks that everyone shoots each other. "Anyway, that’s why I didn’t get him out of the water as quick as I wanted. Jonathan showed up and we put pressure on the wounds and then he stopped breathing. And… I told you the rest.” He turns and starts up the car and drives the rest of the way in silence. Once he parks the car, he turns it off and sits. “I don’t know if you can get in. I don’t even remember what Hopper told me to do. For all I know, he didn’t want you here at all. I just… I just felt in my gut that I needed to get you all together and here. I’ll go talk to your parents and tell them what’s going on if you want.”

Will shakes his head. “We can call them from inside. I have quarters.”

Mike looks at Billy in the rearview mirror. “Are you coming in with us?”

Billy leans back. “To see my handiwork up close and personal?” He shakes his head. “No.”

“Billy…” Max puts her hand on his shoulder. 

“No!” Billy pulls away. “No, Max. Everything… _Everything_ is about Steve right now for you kids. _Everything_! I need you to focus on him. He loves you but he doesn’t think he’s worth your time. He thinks he’s doing you a fucking favor by leaving you. You all know how to be solid and steady when you want to be. You do that for him now. You make him believe it. I know you all love him, but he doesn’t think so and I think that’s because a lot of people struggle to show what they feel and I get that, but you all can’t do that anymore. Okay? You go in there and you love him as much as you can until he can’t do anything but believe it. I know you can do that. I can’t… I can’t take any of that from him. I won’t. I will talk to Grayson and Kyle. I promise, but you can’t think of anyone but Steve right now. Please… please promise me.”

Mike nods. “I know we can do that. And you’re right… we aren’t overly emotional with him. Maybe it’s time we are.” He looks at the others. “I’m going to call Nancy and tell her what’s going on. But not right away. When I do, I think we all need to be ready to protect Steve from anyone, including our own families.”

Max nods. “Yeah…. Yeah, I guess that makes sense.” She looks up at Billy. “I guess you’re not the biggest human enemy he has to face anymore.”

Billy laughs sadly. “Trust me, shitbird. I’m the worst of the worst, human or not.” He looks up toward the hospital. “Now go. Jonathan is most likely in the emergency room waiting area. If you can’t find him there-“

“Then we’ll tear through the hospital until we do.” Dustin nods at the others. “Let’s go.” 

They all take off and El and Max yell at them to wait up. Max looks at him and then hands him a key. “It was supposed to be a Christmas present. It’s to the storage unit with-“

“I know what it is.” He squeezes the key in his fist. “Thank you.” He looks up at her. “I don’t deserve it.”

“I know, but you’re trying to.” She looks up at El. 

El smiles at her and then looks at Billy sadly. “You’re not the worst person you know. I don’t know why, but I know that it’s true.” She takes Max’s hand and they take off after the very impatient boys. Billy watches them go and wonders just how psychic this El girl is.

He shakes off the thought and heads to the storage facility that he now has the key to, thanks to Max. He gets lost a couple of times, but finally gets there. He pulls the car off to the side where it won’t be in the way and fiddles with the lock until the door goes up. He smiles and walks in, running his hand along the car he's missed so much. “Hi baby… I’ve missed you…” He gets in and pulls the visor down, smiling when the keys drop into his hand. He tests it out and, as the engine turns over and rumbles the same sweet sound that it’s always made, he starts to choke on his sobs. He manages to drive it out of the shed, but then stops.

He strokes the steering wheel. “Hi… Hi sweetheart. _You_ love me, right? You… you love me…” He sobs. “I’m so sorry. I’m so… so so sorry. I’m _sorry_!” He hits his hands on the steering wheel. “I’m _sorry_! I didn’t know! I’m _sorry_!” He screams and kicks his feet and slams his hands on the steering wheel in rage, turned inward but with no place to go. He starts slamming his hands up above him and keeps screaming until he nearly passes out from the inability to suck in a breath. He sobs brokenly, wishing that he’d made the decision that Steve made earlier in the night. He still wants to go back in time, but now he wants to go back to the first time he thought life wasn’t worth it. Now he wants to make sure he makes it count so Steve never met him and he never suffered whatever it is he went through over the last few months. 

He looks in the rearview mirror and leans back, his eyes bloodshot and the small capillaries around his eyes broken. He shakes his head slowly. “There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing.” He strokes the steering wheel again and lets himself get lost in the smoothness and the repetitiveness of the movements. “You and me… we’ll go and we’ll make it right. We’ll erase it all so nobody has to suffer again because of me. Nobody will know. Nobody will think I copped out. We’ll just… disappear.” He takes a deep breath and feels peaceful for once. He’s not sure if he’s going to sell his car and then walk into the desert near California with enough water and food to get him as far in as possible so nobody will find him or if he’s going to find one of the gorgeous mountain ranges and hike until he can’t hike anymore. He’s too much of a wimp to go out starving or dehydration so he thinks he’ll pack a gun. He knows he can get one easily enough and he’d only use it to end it all once he was far enough away from people that he’ll be nothing more than bones one day to an adventurous hiker. Then again, maybe there will only be one or two bones. Maybe he’ll find some animals and then blow his brains out. What was it Harrington said? _Soups on_ …

He knows he should go pick up the rest of his things from the Hendersons so they don’t have to deal with it. And he has to leave a note where the rental car is because he doesn’t want the company to get screwed out of their car just because he’s a waste of space. He rocks back and forth a few times, feeling more alone than he has in a very long time. He’d forgotten what it was like. After his mother abandoned him, he felt this way. And he _hated_ everyone for it. If he thought someone had it better, he made them pay for it. And then Max came along and she made him think about what he was doing a little bit. She gave him hope. But his father took that away by yelling at him all the time and telling Max that he was “bad news” and to not be like him and… that hope was gone. 

And then they came to Hawkins and the urge to start over was gone. He knew by then that nobody would ever see him as more than “bad news.” He never had to hope again. And he never had to hurt again.” He wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “You love me, girl. I don’t know how. Who has a mom that leaves them behind with a man who hurt her so bad? She _knew_ …. She knew what he would do to me without her there and I even _told_ her and she still… she wouldn’t come back for me. I don’t understand why… why I’m never good enough.” He sobs again and wraps his arms so tight around himself that he can feel his nails scratching into his arms and he lets out a guttural cry again, trying to purge any pain out of him so he can go back to the place he was so long ago when he couldn’t feel anything, when he treated everyone like they’d already hurt him so he never had to feel worthless again. 

It takes about an hour before he makes his decision. He’s taking himself out of this mess. He’s ending it. He’s making sure everyone thinks that he’s not interested in Steve’s misery and that things got too… serious for him. That’s something people will believe. And then he’s leaving and never coming back and he’s ending all of it. He won’t use himself as a weapon ever again and him trying to make amends is a fucking joke. There are no amends he can make that will come close to what is needed and certainly not from him. His actual presence, his existence, is painful to others…. To _Steve_ , probably the nicest person he ever met and the person who scared him the most. Steve liked everyone and being rejected by him would have destroyed Billy so he went after him and now here he is, exactly where he didn’t want to be. But being rejected by Steve Harrington…

Billy takes a deep breath and looks in the mirror again. “Being rejected by Steve Harrington would have hurt far less than him accepting you for the sack of shit you are.” He breaks down again and lets the tears flow down his cheeks as he considers that statement. Steve had been kind to him, had even warned him off to protect him. Even though he’d ruined the guy’s whole life. That was a pain Billy never thought could exist and here he is, wishing that he was dead a million times over. 

He calms himself again and heads to Dustin’s house. It’s late, nearly midnight now, and he ends up driving down a familiar road. He stops and looks up to see the house that still causes him to have nightmares, the house that he could barely step into when his father _wasn’t_ there. But tonight he is and tonight he’s sleeping in front of the television because he can see the kitchen light is one and he can see the telltale flicker coming from the living room window. He stops the car and stares at it for a little longer and thinks that maybe he can do at least one more thing right before he leaves Hawkins and this life behind forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurt me in ways I never thought it would. This isn't just about Billy giving up on himself it's about me possibly giving up on the story as I'd envisioned it. Because I wrote something TOO well? LOL. I don't know, but trust me when I say that this journey has been difficult, but cathartic. But don't doubt it when I tell you that I've had to walk away from my computer sometimes while writing just to remind myself that it's (somewhat) a world that is in my control and that is my creation. 
> 
> Summary: Billy gets the kids to the hospital to see Steve and he goes to get his car and sits inside and rages against himself for being an awful human being. He starts thinking that he has to disappear because nothing he does will ever make up for the things that he's done to others. He plans this out calmly and decides that he's going to go through with it, but first he wants to talk to his father because he has some things he wants to say.


	28. The Party - The Waiting Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets to the hospital and waits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been struggling for awhile with what I've been doing with this story (probably one chapter's worth of struggle) but I'm back on track and I went through the notes I had when I started this labor of love. I almost went in a totally different direction, but this story is a personal undertaking of healing and care and joy so... I've started moving it to where I want it and will keep doing so. 
> 
> I started writing this to keep myself occupied. In 15 minutes, it will be exactly one year since I decided to end all of it. And then because of some REALLY weird things that happened at REALLY weird times that have NEVER happened before, someone was there and intervened and here I am, fully recovered. So... one year ago, I thought there was nothing to keep me here. This year, I don't even recognize that life as everything changed and I'm so blessed. 
> 
> But this is no longer a distraction. This is a pleasure that I am only now allowing myself to have. I love being an author, even if it is fanfiction. Eventually, I think I might try my hand at an original. We'll see. Who knows what the future holds, right? If anyone is struggling right now, please listen to You're Gonna Be Ok by Brian & Jenn Johnson. It's literally a life saver.

Once the ambulance doors close, Jonathan is on edge. He watches as the paramedic works and wants desperately to reach in and grab Steve’s hand, but he’d be in the way. He wants to talk to Steve, but the medics are talking to each other and he doesn’t want to distract him. Instead, he clenches his hands together and wrings them until he fears he’s going to break his own fingers with the tension. He watches Steve’s chest rise and fall and wills it to continue because that moment when there was no breath was the most terrifying of his life, Upside Down shenanigans included. 

His knee starts bouncing and he’s grateful that it isn’t making any noise on the floor of the ambulance. It seems to take forever before the ambulance doors open again and he stands off to the side as they pull his friend out. He jumps down and follows and makes it only so far before a nurse stops him. 

“You can’t go in there, young man.”

“Jonathan! My name… Look, I need to go in there. He can’t be alone.”

“Stay out here and I’ll find you when we’re done _saving his life_ , okay?”

Jonathan blinks then. The severity of what’s going on, the fact that this fight isn’t over, hits him and he backs up a step with the weight of it. “Yeah.. okay, yeah…” He starts to watch her go and then grabs her arm. “His name is Steve. He… he’ll do better if he knows that you know his name. He’s not… he’s not a number, okay?”

The nurse’s gaze softens and she gently removes Jonathan’s hand from her arm. “Okay… I’ll let you know how Steve is doing in a minute.” She heads off. 

Jonathan stands there staring at the door and not really knowing what to do except for sit down and wait. That seems absurd, though, so he finds a phone and digs change out of his pocket and calls his mother. 

“Hello?”

“Mom! Mom, something happened and I’m at the hospital.”

“Oh God, is it Will? Are you okay?”

“Mom… mom, I’m okay. Will is… he’s with Dustin. It’s fine. Listen, It’s Steve Harrington. Steve is… he’s hurt. I need you to come here once you pick up the kids. Or at least call Hopper at Steve’s house and see if he can pick them up.”

“Okay, I can do that. Honey, just stay there and relax, okay?”

“I… I can’t relax. Mom, you should have seen him. He… Mom, he cut his wrists…” He turns into the corner so nobody can see him and tries to swallow down his sobs. “Mom, there was so much blood and… he was trying to get it to come for him, like it did Barb, and-“

“Jonathan!”

He stops talking immediately, knowing better than to talk about it. “Sorry.”

“No, baby… no, it’s okay. I know what you’re saying. I just want you and Steve to be safe, okay? We don’t know where he’s been and we can’t be sure that he wasn’t with… We just can’t be sure.”

Jonathan turns and leans against the wall. “I can’t… I mean if that happened and we didn’t know…”

“If that happened and we didn’t know and they did _this_ to him, they won’t see us coming.”

Jonathan smiles. “Remind me never to piss you off.”

“My kids are always safe from me and that includes Steve. Shit… it should have included him long before now after how he helped us. I don’t even know his parents and… Will…”

“Mom, stop.” He sighs. “Look, we can’t go back and change anything. We just have to do what we can do with what we’ve got right now. We’ll be better.”

“Yeah… yeah, okay. I’ll find Hop and the kids and we’ll be there.”

“Please hurry…”

Jonathan hangs up and goes to wait.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin races into the waiting area and immediately sees Jonathan. “Hey!” He and the others race to get to Jonathan first. 

He holds his hands up. “Whoa… where the hell did all of you come from?”

“Billy brought us.” Will shrugs. “He said Steve needs us.”

Jonathan nods. “Yeah… yeah, he does. Look, something happened tonight.”

Mike shakes his head. “Save it. Billy told us. So have you seen him?”

“Not yet. I called mom and she was going to find you, I think. Wait, does anyone know that Billy brought you all here?”

Lucas shakes his head. “No, but we told him we were all going to call our folks.”

Max frowns. “He wouldn’t come in.”

“Good. He doesn’t need to be here. He’s the reason Steve is here in the first place.” Jonathan looks murderous and Will takes him aside so they can call his mom and tell her that Will is at the hospital already. 

Max goes over to the chairs on the side of the room and sits down. El follows and sits next to her. “I’m sorry.”

Max glances over and then back down at her feet. “For what?”

“Because people say mean things about your brother.” She takes Max’s hand. “It’s not nice.”

Max shrugs. “He did bad things, El.”

“He’s still your brother. And he’s the only one who knows what a bad man your stepfather is.”

Max nods and feels the tears threaten to fall. “I never realized how safe he kept me. Not on purpose, but I always thought I’d love it if he was gone and then he was and… and it was horrible and suddenly I understood him, you know?”

El nods and squeezes her hand. “I know.”

“But there are some things that were worse and I was so angry, El. I was so angry and Neil didn’t do as much as he did to Billy and he didn’t do it as often. I think if I had been through what Billy went through for as long as he did… El, I think I would have been worse than he ever was and I can’t… I can’t judge him. As much as I want to, I can’t. I’m no better.”

“You don’t have to be. You and Billy are… your own people.”

Max looks at her for a moment and smiles sadly. “You really think it’s that simple?”

“I really do.” She wraps an arm around Max and holds onto her, not willing to let anyone else badmouth Billy in front of Max again if she can help it. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin rolls his eyes. “Mom! Yes, I know you’re worried. No… No, don’t leave _Ted_. Just stay there and I’ll… I’ll catch a ride with Billy when it’s time to go.” He waves off Mike motioning wildly “Yeah, okay… O- _kay_ mom! Bye. Yeah… love you. Oh, Mike needs to talk to Ted. I mean… you know… his dad.” He hands the phone to Mike and sits next to Lucas, ignoring Mike’s conversation. “You call your mom and dad?”

Lucas nods. “Yeah. Erica was freaking out. She wanted to come to the hospital, but she’s with Holly so I guess that’s keeping her calm.”

Dustin frowns. “Wait… Holly is at your house?”

“Yeah, why?”

Dustin looks up at Mike as the boy comes over. “So… you talk to your dad?”

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

Dustin glances over at Lucas and then back at Mike. “Nancy coming to the hospital?”

Mike shakes his head. “Nah, she’s not coming into town until tomorrow. I told Dad I’d catch a ride with Jonathan since he doesn’t think Holly will stay there alone with your mom.”

Lucas’ eyes widen. “So… Holly is there with them?”

Mike looks at them both like they’re stupid. “Obviously, why?”

Dustin and Lucas shake their heads and then Dustin gets up. “I have to go scrub my brain. Hands! I have to go scrub my hands…yeah…” 

Mike looks over at Lucas again, who is laughing. “There is nothing funny going on right now. Steve is in danger.”

Lucas sighs. “Look, man, we can’t do anything right now so if we don’t relax, we’re going to go nuts.”

Mike looks over at El and Max. “You think she’s okay?”

Lucas follows his line of sight. “Which one?”

Mike smiles. “Both of them?”

Lucas shakes his head. “Honestly, no. El couldn’t get a read on Steve at all so I know she’s been feeling a lot of shit from him. And Max… I mean yeah, we don’t like Billy, but it’s her brother and I don’t know if we can expect her to dislike the guy as much as we do. It’s not really fair, you know?”

Mike shrugs. “I mean… I don’t know. I guess, but I’m really cool with all of you hating my mom and Nancy right now so…”

“I just think it’s different for her.”

The boys sit back and watch over the girls for now, waiting for someone to tell them when they can see Steve. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Joyce and Hopper get to the hospital at the same time and look at each other from two parking spots away. They walk toward each other, each one clearly needing to see the other. 

“Where the hell is-?”

“The kids are here and-“

They both stop and take a breath. Joyce nods toward Hopper. “You first.”

“Well, I was going to ask where the hell everyone is, but it sounds like they’re here.” He sighs. “I told that Hargrove kid to go to Henderson’s house and wait for me to call him.”

“Yeah, about that… the kids all took off to look for Steve. El… you know… sensed he was back so they all wanted to find him.”

“Of course they did.”

“Hop, they’re kids and they love him. They were just worried.”

“Yeah, I know.” He runs a hand through his hair. “We found the knife in the pool. There wasn’t a lot for me to do with the two witnesses saying it was a suicide.”

“Attempted suicide.”

“Maybe. Have you heard how he’s doing?”

Joyce shakes her head. “No, after talking to Jonathan, I headed out. We’re worried that maybe someone had him from… you know…”

Hopper frowns. “Shit, I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll keep an ear out, but I really have a feeling that this is something different.”

Joyce folds her arms over her chest and rubs her hands up and down to get warm. “I hope you’re right.” She turns and heads in and it isn’t long before Hopper has his coat draped over her as they walk through the door. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

It takes another hour before a doctor comes out, accompanied by the nurse Jonathan had talked to earlier. Jonathan is up and headed toward the nurse before the others even realize something is different. 

Jonathan is a ball of energy and hops a little on his feet. “So? How is he?” He turns and waves the others over, hearing as they scramble to catch up. 

The doctor frowns. “Are any of you family with this young man?”

“Yes!” 

The doctor’s eyes widen as every person speaks up at once. “Um… no… I need to know who is _family_.”

Hopper steps forward. “Doc, they’re being serious. They’re all family. Now, what’s going on with him?”

The doctor looks Hopper up and down and is well aware of who he is. “The young man has-“

“Steve.”

He looks back at the nurse. “Excuse me?”

She smiles at Jonathan and then looks back at the doctor. “His name is Steve.”

“Ah. Okay, well… _Steve_ is stable. That’s really all I can divulge without his permission. He was not very cooperative and has refused all visitors.”

Jonathan shakes his head. “Well that’s just too damn bad.” He looks at the nurse. “You take me to him. If he tells me to leave, I’m out. But he’s not going to be alone. He’s been alone enough.”

The doctor looks at the nurse. “I relayed the message. It’s _your_ unit, Marissa. I’m always going to back you up.”

She nods. “I know you will. Go take care of your patients. I’ve got this.”

She looks to the others as the doctor leaves. “Alright, listen. You’re not all going back.” She points to Jonathan. “This one came in with him so he can go back.” She looks at the others. “No kids.” 

“That’s bullshit!” Dustin is about to throw something. 

Marissa sighs. “And that is why you’re not going back right now.” She glances at Hopper and Joyce. “No police.”

Hopper frowns. “I have questions and-“

“And you will not bother my patient with them tonight. I’ll think about it in the morning.”

Joyce places her hand on Hopper’s arm and smiles at the nurse. “You’re right. And I may be an adult, but… I barely know him. I really just want to be as supportive as I can, but he has no reason to really trust me. He knows Jonathan, though.”

The nurse nods and looks at Jonathan. “Let’s go.”

Jonathan looks at the kids, who are sulking. “I’ll give you a full report.” He leaves with the nurse, not noticing that his hands are shaking as the woman leads him to the back of the emergency area. “He’s not in a hospital room?”

“Not yet and… probably not here.”

Jonathan frowns. “What do you mean?”

“He needs specialized care. We’ll be putting him in a psychiatric hospital.”

Jonathan processes that for a moment before he remembers to breathe again. “No. That’s not happening.”

Marissa sighs. “I understand your concern but-“

“No, you don’t. Look, he’s been gone for months and we had no idea where. I don’t know what happened to change him from the guy I know to the type of guy who would… do what he did. He was having a rough time, but there’s no way… _no way_ …. he was at this level of depression. He’s not leaving Hawkins and that’s final. We’ll figure out another way.”

Marissa nods. “I understand your frustration. I really do. For now, how about if I let you in to see him.”

Jonathan takes a deep breath. “Okay. Thanks. Sorry I’m argumentative, but…” He frowns. “Actually, no, I’m not. Not enough people stand up for the guy and that needs to change.”

Marissa knows she’s not going to win this battle at the moment and opens the door to a room. “If you need anything, just let me know. I’ll be right down the hall at the nurse’s station.”

Jonathan doesn’t bother answering her because he really doesn’t care what she’s saying. His only focus is on the guy in front of him. Steve is resting, but he doesn’t look _rested_. He walks over to the bed and looks down at him for a moment before feeling the rage build at what he’s seeing. He turns to see Marissa heading out and he can’t let her. Not yet. “Hey!”

She turns at the sharp tone of his voice. “You’ll need to keep it down if you want to stay.”

“Great. So why is he restrained?”

Marissa sighs. This is going to be a long night. “Steve tried to kill himself. There are so many ways someone can make that happen and we’re not going to take a chance with his life, no matter how much you don’t like our methods. This is non-negotiable and I’m not discussing it any further.” 

Jonathan clenches his jaw as she leaves. He decides to let it drop for now and turns toward the bed again, shocked to see Steve staring at him. “Hey…. Hey, Steve, you’re safe. It’s just me, okay?”

Steve continues looking at him for a moment, expressionless, and then turns his face away. 

Jonathan looks down at the bandaged wrists and the restraints there and at his ankles. “Steve, I don’t understand. We’re here for you, you know. You can always come to me or…” He’s stopped cold when Steve turns to look at him, an expression of annoyed disbelief on his face before he turns away again. 

“Look, you can be angry with me for anything you want, but I’m not leaving. I mean it. I’m here for you, okay? You… what you went through at the end of the year wasn’t fair and I know that. I’m sorry for the things that happened. We all learned so much after you were gone.”

Steve turns again and this time he seems curious. 

“Karen Wheeler. Steve, why didn’t you tell anyone?” Steve looks sad and Jonathan is starting to worry about why he’s not talking. “Please talk to me. Please. I’m not feeling anything except concerned. Look, the hospital wants you to move to another hospital to deal with your specific issues. I’m not willing to let that happen. But if you _want_ to go-“

Steve shakes his head and is starting to look frightened. 

“Hey, I’m not going to let it happen. I’ll chain myself to your door if I have to.” He places his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “You’re gonna be-“ He’s stopped dead in his tracks at the hard flinch and the soft whimper. He withdraws his hand quickly and looks at the other boy’s face, seeing his eyes shut tight. “Okay, I’m not going to touch you. I’m just going to talk, alright?”

Steve opens his eyes and looks at Jonathan, seemingly trying to judge if he’s telling the truth. He looks terrified and Jonathan isn’t sure what’s going on in his head, but desperately wants to know.

“Did… did I scare you? I didn’t mean to. I should have asked first. I know you’ve been through a lot and I wasn’t thinking.”

“No.” The whispered word seems like less of an answer and more like a plea. 

“I won’t touch you again. Listen to me, Steve. I _promise_ I won’t touch you.”

Steve studies him and then closes his eyes again, clearly trusting Jonathan not to break his promise.

“Do you remember what happened? Do you remember why you’re here?”

Steve opens his eyes again and pulls at the wrist restraint lightly, but winces at the pain despite the cushioned straps. He shrugs a shoulder and turns away again. 

“I’m going to stay here with you, alright? You won’t be alone.”

Steve stares at the wall. He heard those words from Billy earlier. He remembers their conversation, although it felt like he was walking through a bad dream. And he remembers Billy’s body slamming into his and the black of the water as they crashed in. He remembers feeling something wrap around his ankle and being pulled down and then he remembers someone, probably Billy, grabbing his hand and not letting go as they were both pulled down impossibly further. After that, there’s nothing. His eyes widen and he turns suddenly to look at Jonathan. He has to ask and his whisper soft voice tries to hold the desperate urgency. “Billy… Billy…. Is he…”

Jonathan frowns. “He’s fine. He pulled you up and we did everything we could to save you from… Steve… what the hell is going on? What happened to you? Why would you _ever_ think this was the way to take care of your problems?”

Steve slumps in relief when Jonathan assures him that Billy is alright. He remembers the one thought that hit him harder than Billy when they fell into the water. He kept thinking that he was going to kill Billy, too, like Barb had died. He had told him to run, but the other boy hadn’t listened. He looks up at Jonathan again. “Go.”

“I’m not leaving you, Steve. You need someone to-“

“Go…” His voice comes out as a bit of a ragged croak.

Jonathan sighs. “Steve, the kids are here and they-“

“Go!” Steve’s voice cracks as he cries out and continues to do so. “Go! Go! Go!” He pulls against the restraints hard. “Go!”

Jonathan’s eyes widen and he sees blood seeping through the bandages on his arms. He runs out to the hallway. “Nurse! Marissa!” 

She’s already halfway to him when he starts yelling. She pushes past him and yells back to the two nurses who were behind her to get the doctor and to get something to knock Steve out. She looks back at Jonathan. “I need you to go!”

“But he needs-“

“He _needs_ to be calm so he doesn’t bust his stitches and lose any more blood! Now please!” She turns back to Steve, still trying to soothe the boy. 

Jonathan backs up and watches as both nurses come running back, one with a packet that he can only assume holds a syringe and some meds and one with the doctor right on her heels. As the door closes, he hears Steve’s broken cries to leave him alone and he turns and walks away, knowing that right now there’s no amount of comfort that’s going to help his friend right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case it got buried in the beginning notes: If you're struggling with depression or suicidal thoughts, please listen to You're Gonna Be Ok by Brian & Jenn Johnson. Know that you're not alone.


	29. Daddy Dearest - Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy stops to see his father and regrets it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a VERY hard chapter to write. I thought that I needed to show some of the things that Billy suffers with and how things that he's wondered about actually get some validation. Also, there are some lovely comments and I will get to them! I am just swamped with work from Wednesdays to Saturdays so I will hopefully get to them on Sunday. :) 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: Brief sexual assault, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse

Billy opens his eyes and frowns, taking a moment to figure out where he is. He groans as his muscles protest any movement. The fact that he slept in his car is not overly surprising. It wouldn’t be the first time. He rubs his eyes and blinks a few times. It’s still dark, but dawn isn’t far off. He shivers as the chill finally gets to him from being without a shirt since his was ruined. He forces himself to ignore the nagging of his bladder and stumbles out of the car. He slaps his hands against his arms, trying to warm up. He looks toward the house that he lived in for nearly two years and his eyes heat up a bit, but he quickly pushes the emotion away. 

He jogs across the street and finds an area behind one of the bushes on the side of the house to relieve himself. He looks up to the window that used to belong to him and considers going inside via that opening and grab some clothes out, if they are still there. He wouldn’t put it past his father to burn everything. 

He gives in and goes to the front door. He knocks firmly and shoves his hands into his pockets. As he shivers again, he rolls his eyes skyward and hopes that the man will at least let him in to borrow one of _his_ shirts. After a few minutes, he knocks again. It takes four tries at knocking and one at kicking before he hears his father. “Hold on! Dammit, this had better be an emergency!”

Billy takes a step back, the shivering no longer having anything to do with the cold. He doesn’t want to be here. The thought of facing the man had seemed doable when it was just a thought. The reality is so much different and he can feel the anxiety clawing its way into his brain. He takes another step back and is about to turn and run when the door opens. Time stops for Billy and he stares. 

Neil frowns and looks the boy up and down before the sleep clears enough for him to recognize that this is real and not some weird dream. “Billy?”

Billy nods. “Hey, sorry to bother you. I didn’t realize the time. Can I get a few of my things that I left here?”

Neil laughs harshly. “You’re kidding, right? You sneak out on your graduation day and we hear nothing from you and now you’re here to get some things? Fuck off, Billy.” He slams the door only to have it blocked by Billy’s foot. He glares at the younger Hargrove. “You really want to do this?”

Billy swallows past the lump in his throat. “Sir, I need to get a few things. I won’t bother you again.”

Neil shakes his head. “God, you’re so worthless and now I can’t even sleep through the night because you’re a fucking idiot. What happened to you anyway? Why are you so… under-dressed?”

“I went for a swim.” 

Neil opens the door wider. “Get in here and get your shit. I haven’t been in your room since you left. Nothing I need in there.”

Billy feels a tingling up his spine at the idea of walking into a dark house with this man. And his words echo in his mind. His father hasn’t been in his room because there’s nothing he needs in there… like he needed Billy’s still body in order to jack off. He gasps in a breath and freezes, worried that his father will know his thoughts somehow. 

Neil frowns at him. “What’s wrong with you? You on drugs or something?”

Billy shakes his head. “No, sir.” He walks in and heads into the bedroom, feeling the presence of his father behind him. He flips on the light and opens a few drawers. He finds some old sweats that were always just a little short and a shirt that has a hole in the armpit. He pulls out a pair of briefs that had started to lose some of the elastic in the waist and some socks that are an ugly shade of green that he had no use for when he left. He looks over at his father as he pulls on the shirt and then shuffles his feet. “I… I mean did you need something?”

Neil shrugs. “You don’t live here and you’re in my house. I’m not taking my eyes off of you.”

Billy nods. “Okay, I understand. Thank you for letting me get my things.” He heads toward the door when suddenly Neil is standing there, in his way, and not looking like he’s going to budge.   
“Where are you going, Billy? You came all this way and you can’t spare a few moments for your dad?”

“I’ve inconvenienced you enough, sir.” He wants to leave and he wants to go back in time and run away before he even steps a foot in Hawkins and he wants to surf and he wants to forget that Neil Hargrove is his father. 

Neil’s eyes suddenly go mean and he looks Billy up and down as if he’s disgusted. “You been whoring around all this time?”

Billy shakes his head. “I’m working hard to do better. I’m trying to make something of myself.”

Neil laughs. “That’s a joke, Billy Boy.” He stops laughing and immediately is in Billy’s face. “You’ve never worked hard in your life and you can’t make something out of nothing.”

Billy feels it then, the wetness on his cheek. _Shit…_ “Excuse me. I have to leave, sir.” The shove is not altogether unexpected, but the fear propels him backward and he starts to shiver in fear. He gains his balance and looks at his father, wary and prepared to take a punch. 

But Neil leans against the doorjamb and crosses his arms over his chest. “Change your clothes, Billy.”

Billy frowns. “What?”

Neil looks as if he could murder the blonde. “Change. Your. Clothes.”

Billy tenses. “I can use your bathroom and-“

“No. Here.” 

Billy backs up another step. “Are you going to stand there and watch me?”

Neil shrugs. “Got something to hide?”

“I… I don’t want to be… I mean… I don’t…” His breath starts coming quicker now and he has this horrible sinking feeling that his father is going to hurt him in ways he never imagined. “Why.. why are you doing this?”

“Doing what? You changed at school all the time in gym class, right? So what’s the problem?”

“But… nobody was staring.” Billy clenches the clothes in his fists, twisting the fabric in order to stop himself from screaming. 

“Do I really have to repeat myself?”

Billy chokes on a sob. “No, sir.” He peels off his jeans, wishing he’d worn underwear. He can feel his father’s eyes on him and he suddenly can’t breathe. He pulls up the briefs and the pants as fast as he can. He glances up at his father and wants to retch at the smirk planted on the older man’s face. “I have to go…” His voice is barely a whisper, but the need to escape is strong. 

As Billy walks forward, Neil places a hand on his chest. “Oh Billy… I don’t think you do…”

Billy panics and lashes out, his fist swinging wildly. Neil catches the fist in his hand and slams his own fist into Billy’s stomach. As his son goes down to his knees, he has an urge to unzip his pants and finally get the little shit to shut up for once. Instead, he saves the thought for the whore waiting for him on the other side of town. 

Billy starts to sob again. “Please don’t…”

“Don’t _what_?” He grabs Billy’s hair and yanks his head up. “I’m not some little faggot like you are! Don’t you _ever_ act as if I can’t be in the room with a naked man! Do you hear me?”

Billy tries to grip his father’s hand and his hair to minimize the pain from it being pulled. “Yes… yes, sir! Please let go!”

Neil uses his handful of Billy’s hair to throw the boy down to the floor. He lands a kick to Billy’s side. “Are you a fag, Billy? Is that why Harrington went after you?”

Billy shakes his head and wraps his arms around his stomach. “No… No, I made it up! Steve didn’t do _anything!_ I lied…”

Neil reaches down and grabs Billy’s hair again and lets go right before he backhands Billy hard enough to split his lip and cut the inside of his cheek against his teeth. “Steve Harrington is not your problem anymore, Billy. Now get the fuck out of Hawkins. I don’t want to see you again.”

Billy struggles to get to his feet, more terrified than hurt. “No… No, I have to tell you something…”

“What could you possibly have to say to me that I would care to hear?”

“It’s about Max.” Billy finally does get to his feet and backs up to get away from Neil, but also realizes that he’s backing up more into the room, trapping himself. “You… you are going to leave her alone. No calls. No visits. Nothing. I… I took care of things so she’s safe.”

Neil walks up on him then and there’s no mistaking his intent. He grabs the front of Billy’s shirt and fists his hands in it. He shakes the boy and then slams him into a wall. “You do _not_ think that telling me what to do is acceptable, do you?”

Billy whimpers and shakes his head. “No… No, sir.”

“I didn’t think so.” He shoves him against the wall again. 

“But… but if you go near her, the police will arrest you. Susan already left town. She’s not going to be here to help you. Maybe… maybe you should leave town. There’s nothing here for you anymore.”

“My daughter is here.”

“Stepdaughter and… and you hit her. You beat her and she’s just a kid!”

Neil’s jaw tics and he slams Billy hard against the wall again. “I _disciplined_ her.”

Billy shoves at Neil, but doesn’t do it with much conviction due to how frightened and young he feels. “No… no, you hit her and you hit me. And you… you hurt me. Why? I don’t understand!” He shoves at Neil again. “What did I _do_ to make you so angry?”

“ _You were born!_ ” The booming volume of Neil’s voice makes the following silence seem even more tense. Neil sighs. “I didn’t want you. And somehow your fucking mother decided she didn’t want you, either. I guess I’m pissed she thought to walk away from you before I did. Good idea, but hell… she beat me to the punch. I gotta give her credit.”

“She didn’t leave _me!_ She left _you!_ You hit her and hurt her, too!” Billy allows the sobs to choke back some of the words now. He’s fighting a losing battle, but his heart is too broken to stop now. “I wanted a father and you never gave that to me. I wanted a _dad_! I know there was a time when I thought you were the most wonderful person in my life. That’s how little kids think, right? But you didn’t care! You took everything I gave you and _trashed_ it! I don’t… I don’t understand…”

Neil presses up against him, causing Billy to feel as if he can’t breathe at all. “There’s nothing to understand.” He leans in until his lips are against Billy’s ear. “I could never love you. You’re nobody to me.”

Billy struggles again, but soon feels the evidence that moving around is the last thing he should be doing. But it only makes him fight harder. “Get off of me!” The hardness of his father’s erection pressed into his thigh causes him to sob again and fail to catch his breath. He’s certain he’s going to pass out as dark spots dance across his eyes. 

“Maybe you should be put in your place…” Neil presses a little closer and thrusts once, then twice, to get some friction, but there is a loud banging on the door just as Neil’s breath starts to become more labored. He practically snarls and glares at Billy. “You tell someone you were coming here?”

Billy shakes his head. “No… No, sir. Please… please let me go…”

Neil stares at Billy for a moment. “I was a good father. I never let you tempt me before like you tempted Steve.”

Billy narrows his eyes. “What do you know about Steve anyway?”

Neil shrugs. “I know that-“ 

Another loud banging is heard and he yanks Billy forward and then throws him against the wall again while he heads out to open the door. Billy wants to gag when he sees his father adjust himself in his sleep pants. 

Neil opens the door and frowns. “Who are you?”

Billy rushes out of the bedroom as he hears the response. 

“Sorry to bother you, sir. We’re friends of your son and we were supposed to pick him up this morning, but we got here early.”

Billy stumbles out and tries to compose himself. He looks to the one speaking. “Grayson?”

Grayson smiles, clearly uneasy at being there. “Hi Billy. Sorry we’re early.”

Kyle pokes his head in and waves. “Hey, man… you want to go find a place to get some breakfast?”

Billy nods. “Yeah… yeah, that sounds good. I have to… I have some things. Give me a minute.” He goes back to the bedroom and tries to fix his hair a bit and straightens out the shirt from where his father gripped him. He wipes at his lip the best he can, grabs his discarded jeans, and comes out to see that Grayson and Kyle have come into the house. “Hey, we can go now if you want.”

Grayson nods. “Sure.” He looks at Kyle in relief. “Okay, let’s go.”

Kyle looks at Neil. “Thank you again for allowing us to disturb you so early.”

Neil smiles. “Of course. It’s good to see that Billy has some good influences at this school of his. You both seem very polite and respectful. I hope that Billy learns to act the same.”

Kyle laughs as if he’s in on a joke with Neil. “I hear you, sir.”

Grayson ushers Billy out and Kyle follows, Neil behind him to close the door after the younger men. But then he’s suddenly up against a wall, Kyle’s arm across his throat. “What the-“

Kyle leans close. “You come near him again… You touch him again… you _look_ at him again… I’ll come back for another visit and trust me, you won’t find me quite as easy to push around.” He presses the arm against Neil’s neck again and then backs up to leave. At the last minute, he changes his mind and lands a hard sucker punch to Neil’s face. As the man hits the wall and slides down it, Kyle grabs the door knob to close the door. “Have a good morning… _sir_ …” He slams the door on the dazed man and runs to catch up to the others. 

Grayson turns to look at Kyle, not noticing that he lagged behind as he was too busy trying to get Billy to talk to him. “He’s not doing great. I don’t know where anything is around here.” He looks over at Billy. “Hey, can you get us to Dustin’s? I know you were staying there.”

Billy shakes his head, but doesn’t say anything and doesn’t look up to even acknowledge Grayson is there. Kyle places his hand on Billy’s shoulder and that’s enough to break through whatever shock he is feeling. Billy crumples and sobs into Kyle’s chest as he’s pulled in tight.

Grayson sighs. “We need to get him out of here, Kyle.”

Kyle nods. “I know.” He looks over at the Camaro. “Come on, Billy. Let’s get you in the car. I’ll drive you.” 

Grayson goes over to his car and looks back. “Hey, I’ll follow you. If we can’t get him to tell us where Dustin lives, we can always go over to the Byers’ house. I remember where that place is.”

Kyle nods as he gently pushes Billy into the passenger seat and goes around to the driver’s side after extracting the keys from Billy’s jeans. “I remember the area where Dustin’s house is. I’m hoping once I get there, he can tell me where to go.”

Grayson opens up his own car door. “Sounds good.” He stands there a moment, looking over at the house where Billy’s father is still sitting on the floor, unbeknownst to him. He shakes his head. “I just don’t get it.”

Kyle looks over at the house and frowns. “I don’t think we’re supposed to, Gray. We’ll just have to trust that karma will do its job.” He looks over at Billy. “Gray, I don’t think he’s okay at all. Let’s get moving.”

Grayson waves to let him know he’s on the same page and then waits for the other two. 

Kyle starts up the car and his eyebrows arch at the power he feels from the vehicle. He looks over at Billy and takes his hand. Billy doesn’t look at him, but he does squeeze Kyle’s hand. Kyle brings Billy’s hand to his lips and kisses his knuckles gently. “Billy… what the hell happened?” When he sees Billy’s lower lip tremble, he backs off. “It’s okay. You don’t have to talk. Just don’t shut down, okay? We’ll get to the Henderson house and then maybe I can just hold you?”

Billy nods and then leans his forehead against the passenger window and starts to sob. 

Kyle keeps his hand in Billy’s and drives, his usually calm demeanor shaken. He’s starting to think that he understands what it’s like to want to kill someone and almost hopes that Neil _does_ come after Billy again so he can make good on his threat to the older man. It would be his very own Christmas miracle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew... that was a rough one. Please comment or leave kudos or just read or don't. No matter what, my goals are always to bring up emotion in people who read my work. Also, my priority is the safety of my readers. Please let me know if the trigger warnings were not a good enough warning for you and I will change them so I can make sure that nobody is harmed. Thanks!


	30. Fallout - Billy and The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billy deals with the fallout from what happened and the Party is there to see the collapse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers:  
> Conversation about sexual assault - fairly brief  
> Panic attacks
> 
> The Party and Kyle and Grayson have their own dynamics with Billy and their differences and similarities come out, with the Party proving that no matter what happens, they can all agree that nobody deserves to be hurt the way that Billy was.

Billy doesn’t know if he falls asleep, but he’s suddenly not moving anymore. He can’t summon the energy to jerk awake so he slowly opens his eyes and leans back. The incident with his father feels as if it is still happening and also as if it happened eons ago. He can’t place the feeling, but he can only describe it as absent. He doesn’t feel as if he’s real and it’s disconcerting. He’s not sure how long he sits there before turning to look at Kyle, but by the scared look on the other boy’s face, Billy figures it’s been longer than normal. 

Kyle clears his throat. “Billy? Did you hear me? We’re here… kind of here… Grayson and I have no clue where we’re going. But you came to this house at some point, right?”

Billy looks up and frowns. “Lucas…” He shakes his head. “No.”

Kyle sighs. “Okay, babe. I need you to tell me how to get to Dustin’s house.”

Billy shakes his head. “I wanna go home.” He shudders as Kyle’s hand cups his cheek. “I wanna go home, Kyle.” He looks up at his boyfriend and then wraps his arms around himself tightly and curls in on himself.”

Kyle studies Billy and wonders again what the hell Neil could have said to him to upset him so much. He can clearly see the physical evidence that things turned violent. “Billy, we need to get to Dustin’s to pick up your things so I need you to help me get there.”

Billy glances over at Kyle then. The Christmas presents are there and he doesn’t want them to be forgotten. He shrugs. “Yeah…. Yeah, okay.” He doesn’t remember much about the drive. He gestures a few times to show Kyle where to go and finally sees the Henderson house come into view. He frowns at the sunlight that seems to be brighter and harsher than usual. It was only a gray and pink sky when he stumbled out of his father’s house and now everything is too much. There’s too much light for the dream he is trying to stay in. He jerks suddenly and slaps at his thigh where he can suddenly and clearly feel the ghost of his father’s hard cock pressed against him. He twists a bit in the seat and he can’t get away from it. It’s all he can feel and then the discomfort creeps up through his stomach and into his throat and then he’s out of the car and he’s on his hands and knees and his forehead is pressing to the cold and wet concrete of the driveway. 

He feels hands on him and then he screams. He fists his hands in his hair, allowing the tender flesh from his father’s handling of him ache and sting more with the rough treatment. He screams again and again, trying to somehow purge his body and mind of the sensations and the memory of that moment. He can feel his body contorting, trying to escape itself. The screams don’t stop. Can’t stop. 

_Get it out Get it out Get it out_

_Go away Go away Go away_

The feel of his father’s eyes on him causes another ragged scream to be ripped from his throat. The memory of the gaze is like a physical sensation and he slams his fists down to somehow break through the ground so he can be swallowed up and forget all of it. 

The hands return then and this time he’s wrapped up tight and then he’s floating and his screams turn into sobs that wrack his body and muffle his cries of agony. He just wants to get out of his father’s house and get his father’s cock off of his leg and he wants his father’s eyes to linger somewhere else and he’s there, not there, there and not there. 

His breath starts coming out in gasps and the sensation of having to escape his body begins anew. But this time he’s not raging against something hard and unyielding. Instead his surroundings are soft and it somehow clears his head just a bit until he starts sobbing again. As the panic finally burns his body out, he calms and passes out. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin sits in his bedroom with Mike and Will. He’s not sure how he feels about anything right now. They had finally been kicked out of the hospital with the news that Steve wasn’t going to see anyone and that the nurse wasn’t allowing anyone back anyway because Steve had ripped some stitches out. It had taken a lot of convincing to get people out of there, but Hopper finally told them that it would be more harmful to Steve if he recovered enough to see them and they were all exhausted and grumpy. Joyce reminded them that it wouldn’t do anyone any good to be at the hospital until the next afternoon anyway, especially since the nurse explained that the sedative Steve was given would keep him knocked out for a pretty long time. 

They had all piled into Joyce and Hopper’s vehicles and headed to the Harrington residence first so Jonathan could pick up his car and have another conversation with Joyce and Hopper about what to do with the kids for the night because nobody was keen on being alone without the other members of The Party. They ended up at the Henderson home after calling their respective homes to inform their parents they would be back the next day instead of that night. Nobody argued once Hopper got on the phone to tell them what had happened in more detail than they’d been given earlier. 

So now Dustin is sitting on his bed and looking at the sleeping forms of Mike and Will on his floor with blankets and sleeping bags. He looks up as Lucas walks in from the bathroom. 

Lucas frowns. “I thought you were asleep.”

Dustin frowns. “I can’t sleep. I don’t understand, Lucas. Why would he do that? We’re his friends. He could have come to us.”

“I mean… he’s _your_ friend.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Lucas sighs. “I don’t mean anything bad by it. Look, Erica loves Steve more than she loves me. He’s a great guy and he protected me from Billy, but I never really took the time to get to know him. I should have. And Will… Steve busted ass to protect him and Will was too out of it to know it. Mike never liked him before. I guess things change, but I never thought he’d step up like he has.”

Dustin nods. “Yeah, I guess.”

“And Eleven doesn’t know him at all. I mean she does, but she never got close to him like you did. She was too busy trying to close the gate. Max was different. She knows him, but she’s focused on Billy right now.” He rolls his eyes. 

“That fucker…” He shakes his head. “It’s hard to be near him. I know that he didn’t mean to do all the damage he did, but I think that doesn’t really matter. He did those things. And now Steve is in the hospital because he…” Dustin decides to try and sleep again. “I don’t know… I really just can’t think right now.”

Lucas settles down on the floor. “You don’t have to. We’ve all been thrown for a loop. We’ll get through it somehow and we’ll be here for Steve.”

Dustin sighs. “I guess.”

As Dustin thinks that he might finally drift off to sleep, an ungodly screaming comes from outside and he sits up, as does Lucas. Lucas look over at him and is frightened. “What the fuck was that?” Both boys are running out the door, tripping on Mike and Will on their way. Once the other two boys wake up to find out why they were woken up so roughly, they also hear the screaming and scramble up to follow the sounds. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max and Eleven are curled up together in Claudia Henderson’s bed. Eleven had managed to soothe the redhead, who was certain that Billy was gone forever to California in his Camaro. And now Eleven is curled around her new friend, trying to protect her from the harsh reality that Billy may very well have washed his hands of all of them, of the town, of Max. Because he wasn’t here when they arrived last night. And that had led to quite an argument and she felt the need to step in and shut it down.

_They’re all trying to get pillows and blankets together in order to bunk down for the night and be together when Billy’s name comes up._

_“Hey, Dustin, did Billy say he was coming back here?”_

_Dustin shakes his head. “Nah, he never gave me an answer. What about you? Did he say something to you when you gave him that key?”_

_Max shakes her head and pulls at her lower lip with her teeth. “I’m scared. I called Grayson and he said he was going to tell Kyle. I don’t know… the way he was talking… it seems like maybe he was going to do something…_

_Mike sighs. “Like what? He’s already kind of imploded Steve’s life. What else is he going to do?”_

_Max frowns. “I know he did. He knows he did, but I mean really dangerous like… confronting Neil. What if Billy gets hurt?”_

_Jonathan walks up to her. “I get that he’s your brother, but he’s the reason Steve is in the hospital. There’s no way that he would have tried to kill himself if your brother hadn’t pushed him over the edge.”_

_Lucas shrugs. “Yeah, I mean… maybe he finally went back to California. Good riddance.”_

_Max puts her hand over her mouth to block a sob and then runs into the bathroom and slams the door._

_Eleven crosses her arms and then looks at the others in the room. “You are_ bad _friends!”_

_Mike’s eyes widen. “What? We’re really good friends!”_

_Will stays quiet because he really doesn’t want to get yelled at by El._

_“No, you are BAD friends because you’re mean and say mean things about-“_

_“No!” Dustin interrupts and starts to pace. “Sorry, El, but you don’t get to come in here and defend Billy while Steve is in the hospital. If I want to say mean things about Billy Hargrove then that’s what I’ll-“_

_“No!” Items begin to tremble on the shelves as Eleven attempts to reign in her temper. “No… You aren’t saying mean things about Billy. You’re saying mean things about Max’s_ brother! _”_

_Dustin has the decency to look ashamed once that sinks in. “El, she can’t expect us to just forgive him.”_

_“She doesn’t. But she wants you to stop being angry at him for things he did in the past. She’s trying to get better and having him by her side is something they both seem to need.”_

_Mike comes over and puts his arm around El’s shoulders. “You’re right. I’m really sorry. I never meant to hurt Max.”_

_Dustin nods. “Yeah, neither did I. None of us did. I never thought of how she might hear it.”_

_Eleven smiles softly. “Good. Now if you do it again, I’m going to- Um… kick your ass.” She smiles wider, pleased that she used the terminology that Max is teaching her._

Eleven is pulled from her memory of the night before by the redhead's whimpering. She strokes Max’s forehead with her fingers, letting them smooth gently over the lines that are forming as the girl begins to tense up again. Her face finally begins to relax when the screaming starts. Max’s eyes snap open and she’s up and out of the room before Eleven can move. She gets up quickly and chases after her friend. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Claudia takes the mug of coffee and hands it to Joyce before grabbing the other two mugs and coming to the table to sit down, passing the other mug to Jim Hopper. She warms her hands around her own coffee and rubs the back of her neck. Having just gotten in about five minutes before they all showed up, she was running a bit short on sleep. All of the adults had napped and dozed at the table, but now the sun is starting to come up and sleep at a table is not possible any longer. There is no more all-consuming dark to lull them into the exhaustion that they felt when they’d arrived. Although there is still the guest room, nobody wanted to go in there in case Billy showed up. He never did. 

Joyce takes a sip of her coffee and smiles at Claudia gratefully. “Thanks again for having all the kids here. My place and Hopper’s place isn’t really set up for much privacy and I think the kids needed a little bit of that. It’s been… well, it’s been a bit taxing.” She looks out into the living room. “Thanks for letting Jonathan take over your couch, too.”

Claudia waves off the gratitude. “It’s fine. I’m just glad everyone is getting some rest.”

Hopper huffs out a laugh. “Yeah, everyone except us.” He drinks his coffee, closes his eyes, and moans at the warmth sliding down his throat. Joyce and Claudia exchange a look and both women blush at the slightly indecent sound. 

Joyce takes another sip of her coffee. “So, what do we do? Steve is obviously not doing well and the kids are all up in arms about it. They’re so angry so I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for them to see Billy. But I can’t imagine Steve taking things this far. But I guess I don’t really know him as well as I should.”

Hopper glances at her from where his eyes had been tiredly locked on the liquid in his mug. “What do you mean?”

Claudia frowns. “You don’t know everything he’s done for the kids?”

Hopper shakes his head. “Come on, you know these kids don’t tell us shit.”

Joyce considers what Claudia is talking about. "I know that Barb died in his pool, right?”

Hopper nods. “Yeah, while he was with Nancy Wheeler….”

Claudia shakes her head. “Young love…”

Hopper runs a hand through his hair. “I remember when all that went down. Someone put up a bunch of nasty graffiti up about her. I thought Steve did it. But apparently he was there and didn’t stop it, but he didn’t actually do it.”

Joyce nods. “I remember that. Jonathan and Nancy confronted him and he said some pretty cruel things to Jonathan. I think he was talking about me and Jonathan lost it.”

“Yeah, I remember responding to the call about the graffiti and Harrington was there. He was helping to clean it up. I was a little surprised. I asked him about it and he mentioned something about Nancy cheating on him.” He looks over at Joyce. “Not really surprised. Jonathan has liked that girl for a long time.”

Joyce smiles and takes another drink of her coffee, feeling it waking her up a little more now. “Yeah, I kind of feel bad for Steve. He never stood a chance. But you know, he broke Jonathan’s camera.”

Hopper frowns. “Seriously? Shit, Joyce… I know that he took a really long time to save up for that.”

Joyce shrugs. “Yeah, but he actually had a pretty good reason. I won’t go into it, but Jonathan kind of brought that on himself. But did you know that Steve gave Jonathan a brand new camera for Christmas to make up for it?”

“Okay, but it isn’t like he doesn’t have the money to do that.” Hopper arches an eyebrow, challenging her to argue with him. 

“That’s not the point. He was trying to do the right thing. And it sounds like he did the same thing with the graffiti.” Joyce taps her nails against her mug and tries to focus her thoughts. “God, I’m so tired.” She sighs. “Anyway, we should have known then that he was an okay kid. He was here for Christmas and I barely noticed him.”

Claudia reaches over and takes Joyce’s hand. “That’s not fair. You went through hell and you finally had Will home with you. He was your only focus and that’s alright.”

Joyce smiles gratefully. “Thank you. And yes, you’re right. But then Steve became friends with Dustin and he got beaten up in my home by Billy Hargrove of all people.”

Claudia frowns. “Really? I don’t think I knew that. I would have thought Dustin would have told me.”

Hopper and Joyce share a look and Hopper clears his throat. “Yeah, well… Billy was drunk and came to pick Max up and Steve wouldn’t allow it. Then he attacked Lucas Sinclair for being around his sister. I guess the kids had something going on. But Steve got in the way and he nearly died.”

Claudia puts her hand to her mouth in shock. “I had no idea!”

Joyce nods. “Yeah, and he actually took off after that and still helped the kids and… he was just really good with them.”

Joyce thinks about how Steve worked tirelessly to cover up the shed so they could reach Will and how he ended up staying with the kids when they decided to distract the creatures from harming El. She knows that Hopper thinks about that, too. Steve had befriended every one of the children and done everything in his power to keep their spirits up when they were down and give them advice when they were struggling. Both grow even quieter as their guilt hits them because this boy was such a huge part of the lives of the kids they love and they never made an effort to get to know him. 

Claudia breaks the silence. “Dusty always felt so alone and so… awkward and unaccepted. But Steve became his hero. I don’t know what it was, but he kind of filled a void. With his father gone… I don’t know… he needed that male figure in his life and Steve stepped right up and I know without a doubt that he’d die for my baby. It’s really comforting, but I didn’t get to know him, either. Not really.” She frowns. “I wish I had. And then… when I took Dustin away from him.” She sighs. “I was just so scared. I’m stupid and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.” She starts to cry and is immediately wrapped up in Joyce’s arms. Hopper sits quietly while the women embrace each other, but soon the quiet is shattered by screaming from outside. Hopper jumps up and rushes outside, barely beating the kids to the punch. 

As he runs by the couch, Jonathan is startled awake and brings up the rear as everyone else heads outside to see what’s happening. His breath stops as he comes upon the spectacle in front of him. “Fuck…”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle pulls into the driveway and turns off the car and suddenly Billy jerks. He turns to see what’s going on and is stunned as his boyfriend starts slapping at his thigh. “Billy?” He tries to reach out, but then Billy is moving so fast and he half thinks that he’s having a seizure. “Billy!” As Billy falls out of the car, he jumps out and runs around to where the boy is, Grayson rushing over after he gets out of his own car. 

“What happened!?”

Kyle shakes his head. “I don’t know!” He grips Billy’s shoulders as the blonde leans down and places his forehead against the driveway. “Baby, please….”

Grayson attempts to help Kyle get Billy up, but then Billy’s screaming and he and Kyle both back up, completely surprised by the outburst and scared out of their wits. Grayson looks over as people run out of the house and stop, just as stunned as he is. 

It takes a moment, but then Max is rushing to him, kneeling in front of him. She starts to call his name and sobs brokenly as he doesn’t open his eyes to see her. He doesn’t even acknowledge someone is speaking to him. She looks up at Grayson and Kyle. “Please… please…” She reaches out to touch him, but her hands hover over him, never close enough to cause him any fear of being touched. 

Hopper steps forward then. “Max, go with El and get his bed ready.” He doesn’t want her to see the boy so vulnerable and he’s not sure that any of the kids should be there and crowding him. He glances over at Claudia and Joyce and both women quickly herd the boys inside so that the four men can take care of the situation. 

Jonathan is shocked as Billy slams his hands into the hard concrete, splitting skin. “Shit!” He notices some people starting to look out of their windows and tells Kyle that they have to get him inside. 

Kyle decides he doesn’t care if Billy wants to be touched or not and yanks him up off the ground with the others’ help. He scoops his boyfriend up, his arms solidly under Billy’s back and knees. He holds him tightly and nearly cries in relief as the screams stop. But then the boy in his arms starts to sob and Kyle looks up at Grayson. “Gray…” He tries to hold it together as the person he cares for breaks apart in his arms. 

Grayson puts his hand on Kyle’s shoulder. “Come on, man. We need to get him inside.” 

Hopper moves first and holds the door open while Jonathan brings up the rear. Once they get into the house, Billy falls forward into the rest of the panic attack and Jonathan shudders at the sound of Billy trying to catch his breath. Kyle sets him down on the bed and covers him up as Max stands at the foot of the bed, sobbing and being held by El and Joyce. 

Max turns into the others’ arms, not being able to watch her brother in that much pain. She has no idea what happened, but she does know that the split lip and bruise forming on his cheek can only mean that he either picked a fight with someone or he went to see Neil and she is betting ion the latter. 

Soon, he is sobbing again and Kyle walks over to the window and looks out, trying to pull his mind away from the situation in the room. Once Billy’s sobs lessen, he turns and goes over, breathing a sigh of relief as the boy finally loses consciousness. 

Grayson is suddenly dealing with his arms full of Max. “Hey… it’s okay. We’re here.”

“Where was he?”

Grayson frowns and looks over at Kyle. Max catches the shared look, though. She looks between the two of them and then takes a step back. “Where was he?” She sniffles. “Please don’t hide anything from me. I’m scared.”

Kyle sighs. “We found him at Neil’s. God… I don’t know what happened. He was… he was a wreck when we got there.” As Billy whimpers, he watches as Grayson crawls into bed to stroke Billy’s hair and whisper to him to help him calm down again. 

Max rubs her hands over her face, trying to scrub the tears away. “Billy doesn’t act like this. The closest I saw him like this was when we were at the house to see my mom.” She looks up at Kyle, and takes a few steps back, a sick realization hitting her like a punch to the gut. “Wait… you found him at Neil’s… _alone_.” She shudders. “God, do you think he… I mean he used to… Oh Kyle… you don’t think he took it too far, do you?” She sobs. 

Kyle stares at her for a moment before it all clicks into place and he shakes his head quickly as if trying to deny it. “Oh God… Oh fuck… I’m going to kill him.” He heads toward the door of the room only to be stopped by Hopper standing in his path. Kyle glares at him. “Get out of my way.”

Hopper frowns. “Son, I know you’re upset, but you need to stay here and stop making threats.”

Kyle looks shocked. “You _know_ what that bastard did to Billy! You _know_ and Grayson and I race up here after Max calls us to tell us that he’s been through hell and what happened with Steve and I find him at his father’s house and they’re _alone!_ And look at him! You can’t tell me that you’re not thinking the same fucking thing I am!” Kyle’s voice breaks and he turns away from Hopper and runs his hand through his hair. “Oh fuck… fuck… _Fuck!_ ”

Max rushes over and wraps her arms around Kyle, who in turn holds her to him. Max rubs Kyle’s back. “We’ll take care of him. We’ll make sure he’s okay.” 

Jonathan frowns. “What are you guys talking about?”

Grayson looks up at Hopper and shrugs. “At this point, you may as well tell him so we can work to make sure Neil stays away from him and to watch Kyle so he doesn’t end up in prison on a murder charge.”

Hopper frowns and gestures to Jonathan to follow him out into the hallway. When the boy gets to the hallway, he crosses one arm over his chest to grip his opposite shoulder. “What’s going on?”

Hopper glances into the room again to see El joining Max in trying to comfort Kyle, who is shaking with anger and sadness. “Look, turns out that Billy’s dad used to go into his room at night and… well, he-“

Jonathan's eyes widen. “Did he molest him!?”

Hopper considers that. “Well, he abused him, but he didn’t actually touch him. Billy said he would wake up sometimes and his father was standing close and… well, his father was…” He coughs uncomfortably. “He was jerking off. Billy said he was scared because he never knew if his father was going to cross another line. According to him, he never did, but he sure as hell did enough.”

“Max?”

Hopper shakes his head. “She never knew anything about it so his perversions seemed to be focused on Billy.”

“Fuck, Hop… and we can’t go over there and drag this asshole to jail? I mean… I’m really angry with him, but nobody deserves that.”

Hopper throws his hands in the air, frustrated. “We could, but nobody will come out and speak against him. All I have are some vague statements and no physical evidence. He never went to the police and if he had, I’m sure there is no saying what stupid shit Neil Hargrove would have said to make Billy look like he was just trying to cause trouble.”

Jonathan hears a sound like some low talking. He frowns. “You might as well come out….”

The boys reluctantly come around the corner where they’d been eavesdropping. Mike looks sick to his stomach. “Did his dad really do that?”

Hopper nods. “Yeah… yeah, he really did.” The quiet that follows is eerie and Hopper ushers the others out into the living room. “Come on, we need to allow him to rest.” He looks over at Joyce and Claudia and sits down to tell them what’s going on while Jonathan sits down on the couch, trying to figure out how a man can do things like that to his own child. As Lucas, Dustin, and Mike sit down stunned, Will comes over to sit next to Jonathan. Their arms immediately go around each other, giving and taking comfort.

El quietly walks out of the room to leave Max with the boys. She walks to the couch and sits down on the floor, leaning back. “He’s a bad man.”

Dustin nods. “Yeah… the worst.” He looks embarrassed then. “I mean… Sorry, El. Obviously your situation was worse, but-“

“I don’t think there’s a ‘worse’ when it comes to stuff like this,” Lucas interrupts.

Dustin looks at him for a minute and then nods. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Mike looks at the others. “We’re not going to just let this be okay, right? I mean… we’ve taken down _monsters_. This guy can’t be that hard to put down. Barb got taken in a _pool_ so maybe we just take him and-“

“Stop.” Jonathan looks at him with a warning scowl on his face. “There’s enough going on. You really want people snooping around Hawkins looking for him when he goes missing? It’s been hard enough to keep this secret.”

Will sighs. “It’s not really fair. He should pay somehow.”

Lucas shrugs. “My dad always says that really bad people eventually _do_ pay because they cross the wrong people.”

Dustin huffs out an angry laugh and stands up. “So maybe _we_ are the wrong people.”

Jonathan shakes his head. “You all know that Billy isn’t some innocent young flower. I mean I get that what happened to him was wrong, but you really think that he deserves that from us after what he did to Steve?”

El looks up at him. “Then we do it for Max.”

They all fall silent as they contemplate that and Jonathan finally shrugs. “Maybe.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Max watches Grayson comfort Billy and sits on the foot of the bed. “What are we going to do? Billy isn’t going to get any sympathy here. But he needs someone to take care of him now.” She frowns. “Maybe… maybe you should take him back with you.” She sighs. “I didn’t expect either of you to come. I thought you’d both be with your families for Christmas.”

Grayson looks over at her and sits up, since Billy seems to be sound asleep. “We are… Well, we would be. I was going to spend Christmas with Josh. My family doesn’t really celebrate much of anything anymore after Morgan died.”

Kyle nods. “Yeah, and I was going to head home, but I decided to stay for a meeting that I go to once in awhile so I was going to leave tomorrow instead. Well… today.”

“Kyle was staying with me in my room so when you called, we were both there. When I told him what happened and that Billy was involved-“

“There was no question. We were coming up here. We looked everywhere and then thought of his old house. If we’d gotten there later or if we hadn’t been there when you called…” Kyle shudders. “He doesn’t have anyone else and we were already a little worried because he was coming up here alone. He was pretty shaken when he found out his father was here.”

Max sighs. “I wouldn’t have been mean to him, you know. It’s not like he was walking into a lion’s den or anything.”

Grayson smiles gently. “Yeah, but can you honestly say you would have been overly welcoming?” Before Max can respond, he holds up his hand to silence her. “Not that I would blame you for that at all. I’m just saying that it’s to be expected after the shit he pulled.”

Kyle nods and sits down next to Max. “Yeah, nobody thinks that any of you should forgive him for what he did. But maybe we can worry about this problem now and then deal with the rest later. I get it and I think you should all be wary and keep him at arm’s length for now. I really do understand and that’s another reason we came up. None of you should take on the burden of worrying about him. Grayson and I both know he doesn’t deserve that from any of you.”

Max sighs in relief. “It’s nice to hear you say that. My guilt was kind of killing me just now.”

Grayson moves over and hugs her. “Nope. No guilt, kiddo. Just because Neil is a monster doesn’t make what Billy did any more okay. He was well on his way to becoming a monster, too. He knows that now and he’s trying hard to make amends, but it doesn’t erase the pain he caused.”

Max relaxes into his embrace. “He needs to put the problems with Steve aside, you guys. He needs to work on getting his shit together. He’s no good to Steve while he’s fighting his own demons.”

Grayson pulls away from her, keeping his hands gently on her upper arms. “You’re really fucking wise for your age, you know that?”

Max smirks. “Yeah, well…. I wish the boys would think that, too. They do the dumbest shit. If they listened to me and El, they’d get something accomplished.”

The conversation is interrupted by Billy, who gives a deep sigh and rolls to his back, still asleep. Kyle looks at the other two. “Hey, let’s let him rest. I’ll stay with him.”

Max and Grayson stand up and Grayson clasps Kyle’s shoulder. “It gets to be too much, you come get me, alright?”

Kyle nods. “Thanks, Gray.” He hugs Max and then lies down next to Billy and pulls him into his arms. “You’re safe. I’m not going to let him hurt you again.” He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against Billy’s. 

Max and Grayson walk out and close the door softly. Max smiles at Grayson. “Wow… Kyle really loves him, huh?” She heads out to be with the others. 

Grayson looks at the closed bedroom door and sighs softly. “Yeah… Yeah, I guess he does…” 

He follows Max out to join the others. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

When Billy opens his eyes, it takes him a few moments to figure out where he is. He snuggles closer to Kyle and smiles softly. He likes when Kyle sleeps with him. The other boy is all sorts of cuddly and ends up holding Billy like a giant teddy bear. 

Billy’s eyes widen then. Why is Kyle here? Is he still in Hawkins? Did he drive to the college and totally forget he did so? The questions swirl in his head until they settle on the memory of driving to his father’s house. Of going inside. Of trying to leave. Of changing his clothes. Of his father… He shudders out a small whimper and is suddenly looking into Kyle’s eyes. 

Kyle frowns and pulls back a bit, bringing a hand to Billy’s face and swiping a tear that’s fallen. He is gentle over the quickly darkening skin. “He hit you.”

Billy continues to stare at Kyle, not understanding why the boy is there. “I don’t understand… how did you know to-“

“Max called. She told us about Steve and was pretty worried about you.”

Billy sighs and shakes his head. “I don’t think anyone should be worried about me. I was in a pretty dark place last night and I wanted to see my dad and tell him to stay away from Max, but… it didn’t turn out like the confrontation I expected. I was going to be demanding… firm that he never have anything to do with her again. It was stupid. I shouldn’t have gone, but I was still damp from what happened earlier and I knew I had clothes there….”

“Babe, why didn’t you just come back here to the Hendersons?”

Billy shrugs a shoulder. “I didn’t think I’d be welcome. What happened to Steve…. It’s my fault.”

Kyle shakes his head. “No, it’s not. Steve made the choice to hurt himself. He needs help and so do you.”

Billy leans into Kyle and sighs. “I wanted to do the same thing. I had a plan. I was going to end it all. It was a pretty elaborate plan and actually kind of overly dramatic.”

“Everyone is trying to figure out what happened to you at your dad’s.”

Billy’s breath hitches. “Nothing happened.”

Kyle sighs. “Billy, come on… He obviously hit you. Did he… did he do anything else?” 

Billy clings to Kyle harder then and brokenly tells him everything, sobbing when he talks about his fear and the knowledge that his father was capable of doing something so heinous. He talks about what he thought was going to happen, about what he was certain was going to occur. And when his breath catches in his throat, choking him with the fear of the possibilities of that day, Kyle holds him gently and peppers his face with soft kisses until Billy looks up at him, pleading with him. “Make it stop. Please, Kyle. Please just… make it stop.” He places his hand against Kyle’s waist, edging toward the fastenings on his jeans. “I’ll make it so good for you. And you can take his place in my head and-“

Kyle grips his hand and pulls it up, kissing his palm. “No, Billy. No. There’s no erasing this. You do this and it’s not good for you. You tried to erase what happened to Steve by fucking Jacob and humiliating yourself in front of others. And now you want to erase what happened with your dad by being with me. Billy… it’s time to face things.”

Billy yanks his hand away from Kyle’s grip. “That’s what I’m _doing!_ ”

“No, Billy. You’re hiding. And you’re done doing that. You’re not alone. You don’t have to _face_ this alone.”

“How did you know to come?”

“Max called us. She said you were in trouble. She told us what happened to Steve and we wanted to be here for you. Grayson and I looked for you and then he thought to look for you at your father’s house and I can’t… I can’t imagine what would have happened if we hadn’t got there in time. But… I guess we really didn’t get there in time, did we?”

Billy kisses him again. “You did… You got there and you got me out of there.”

“You ready to get out of this room? Maybe get something to eat?”

Billy frowns. “What am I going to tell the others?”

“Billy… Billy they already know that something might have happened. They know what… they know what your dad did before.”

Billy groans. “I can’t go out there.”

“Nobody is going to judge you for this. I promise. But they’re all worried. They don’t know what your dad did to you and they’re thinking the worst. Billy… you should tell them. At least tell them part of it.”

Billy nods. “Alright…”

Kyle helps Billy up and leads him out of the room. All conversation stops as he walks out and into sight of the others. He’s hit with a redheaded missile as Max runs to his arms. “Billy! Billy, are you hurt?” She looks up at his face and frowns. “Stupid question. He hit you.”

Billy touches her hair softly, not believing that she’s being kind to him and hungering for more sweet caring from her. “Yeah. But only once.”

“Billy… did he… I mean did he-“

“No.” Billy shakes his head. “No. He did some other things… and I am pretty sure he would have done more if Kyle and Grayson hadn’t gotten there when they did.” He feels his eyes heat up and frowns, his eyes becoming wet. He isn’t able to hold back his silent tears. “Thank you… thank you for calling them.”

Jonathan stands up and looks at him for a moment in quiet contemplation. “Billy…” He hears the adults moving in closer, having come out of the kitchen immediately upon hearing Billy’s voice.”Billy, tell us… did he… did he _touch_ you?”

Billy looks down then, unable to look anyone in the eyes. He wraps and arm around his waist and the other stretches down and rubs hard at his thigh. He begins to shiver and his breathing becomes labored. He nods once and then turns into Kyle’s arms again. “It was nothing. It was quick and he didn’t… I mean he didn’t touch me like that. He, uh…”

Kyle leans in as he’s gotten quiet. But the silence in the room allows everyone to hear his words. “Baby… it’s okay.”

“He wouldn’t let me leave. He, uh, he… He stood in my way. I was trying to leave with my dry clothes… to change and he made me change… in front of him. He looked at me and I knew… I knew that he was going to…” He presses into Kyle’s chest harder and regulates his breathing before continuing. “I told him to stay away from Max and he hit me and told me how much he hates me… how he wishes I was never born… And then he was on me and pressing me against the wall. And he pushed and I felt… He was… and he started pushing harder and I… Someone knocked on the door, but he didn’t answer. He pushed against me again and again and I knew he was… He was using my leg to…” He whimpers. “And then there was more knocking and he was angry and…” He looks up at Kyle and then over to Grayson. “It was you.”

He doesn’t notice Claudia and Joyce crying. He doesn’t notice that Max is horrified and sobbing into El’s arms. He doesn’t notice Grayson’s horrified look that matches the looks on the faces of the other boys, including Jonathan. And he doesn’t notice Hopper clenching his fists harder than he’s ever done before. 

Kyle holds Billy tighter, encompassing the boy completely in his arms. “That’s enough. He told you. I’m taking him and getting him something to eat.” He looks at Grayson. “Come on.”

Max stands up to go. “We can go to-“

Kyle shakes his head. “No, Max. Just the three of us. I want you to stay here with your friends. You need someone, too, and I don’t think… It’s not fair for you to be comforting to someone else when you need it, too.”

"But-“

Grayson places a hand on her shoulder. “Max… Max, we’ll take care of him and we promise to come back, but I think he needs his space right now. He’s… he’s embarrassed.”

Jonathan rubs the back of his neck in thought. “He doesn’t have-“ He looks at Billy. “You don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. Your dad is the one who should be embarrassed.”

Billy thinks about that, but decides that Kyle and Grayson are right. “I just need to be with my best friend and my boyfriend right now. Max, I want you to be here with the others and… be able to say what you need to say. Okay?”

Max nods sadly and wipes at a tear that’s fallen down her cheek. “Okay, Billy. Okay.” She runs over and hugs him tight for a moment and then steps back with the others. 

Kyle puts his arms around his shoulders. “Come on, baby.” 

Grayson watches them head out and turns to the others. “We’d like to stay for a bit. I know that it’s crowded here, but if you don’t mind… we’d like to get a room somewhere and keep Billy with us.”

Claudia shakes her head. “You’ll stay here. No arguments. Understand?”

Grayson smiles and nods. “Thank you. I mean really… thank you.” 

He walks out to join the other two men. 

Hopper looks around at the others and sighs, sickened that someone like Neil Hargrove can have such a huge effect on all of them. “Merry fucking Christmas…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew... another difficult chapter. I know people are probably wondering what's going on with Steve, but he's pretty much out of it until Part 2 for the most part. Don't worry, we'll get Steve-centric again. I promise. But right now he's basically just being monitored in the hospital and not speaking to anyone so... not a lot to say. :)


	31. The Party - Now what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Party deals with the aftermath of the drama of that morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very light and short chapter. I have more and could have made it longer, but I needed a break from the extreme angst and you probably did, too. So this just gave me a moment to breathe and enjoy some personalities of the characters. Next chapter will be more intense and emotional again. You all know I can deliver on that. LOL

Hopper sighs as he listens to the argument begin again. 

Max shakes her head. “I’m telling you… Billy won’t do anything about it! He never did anything before so what changes? Before he would have wanted to really bury Neil, but he’s… I mean he’s not really that angry now so… it’s not going to happen.”

Lucas throws his hands into the air in frustration. “That’s _stupid!_ This guy’s sick and Billy’s just going to what? Let him walk around on the street with innocent people?”

Max clenches her fists. “So what? My brother’s _not_ innocent so he deserves it?”

“That’s not what I’m saying!”

Mike shrugs. “What _are_ you saying, Lucas? And how does this help Steve? I’m sorry for what Billy went through. I am. But he has Kyle and Grayson to take care of and if we’re sitting here talking about anyone, it should be Steve.”

Dustin half sneers at the others. “Oh so _now_ you want to talk about him. None of you bothered to give him the time of day before now!”

Will, tired of hearing his friends argue, stands up from the couch. “You guys! Stop! This isn’t helping anyone!”

Lucas points at Will. “For your information, we fought all the time while looking for you and look at you. You’re _here_!”

Jonathan nods and takes Will’s hand, pulling him down on the couch next to him. “They’re right. They were ridiculous and that’s usually how things got done.”

Eleven, who is sitting on the other side of Will, leans over so both boys can hear her. “What are they trying to get done now?”

Jonathan and Will both look at her and Jonathan shrugs. “Who knows…. I think _that’s_ what they’re trying to figure out.” Jonathan and Will both cross their arms over their chests and slump back in the couch, knowing they’re just waiting. El looks at their posture and mimics it. 

Hopper, from the corner of the living room, where he’s now decided is the safest place to not get dragged into it, rolls his eyes as Max speaks up again. 

“He’s not going to press charges so drop it!”

Lucas starts to pace. “I just don’t think he should get away with it!”

“Yeah, because you care so much about my brother, right?”

“And since when do _you_ care so much about _your_ brother? You fucking drugged him and tried to take his nuts off!”

Joyce and Claudia exchange a look as Hopper yells something about language. Claudia glances over at Dustin and then back to Joyce. “What the hell have the kids been _doing?_ ”

Joyce shakes her head. “You trust me?”

“Of course.”

“Then when I tell you that you don’t want to know, you _don’t_ want to know.”

Claudia considers it and then nods in acceptance, but feels that she might need to question Dustin more on what happened to Mews since he was acting really strange when that all happened. 

Mike stands up. “Hello! When are we going to talk about _Steve?_ ”

Dustin glares at him. “Why are you so worried about him, Mike? So now that he’s not around to do your bidding you want to get to know him?”

Max growls in frustration. “So you all care about Steve, but not Billy… I get that, but don’t you care about _me?_ Because _I_ care about Billy so it would be really nice if you would all focus on what we _can_ do right now!”

Lucas shakes his head. “I don’t understand how you can care about a guy who left you with _Neil!_ You _know_ that Billy needs to press charges!”

Max almost screams in rage. “He’s not going to _do_ that! He’s never done that because he’s scared nobody will care and you obviously are proving him right!”

“Neil is _dangerous!_ ”

“ _Enough!_ ” Hopper stops Lucas before he can wax poetic yet again about the dangers of Neil Hargrove. “This argument has gone around in circles for an hour. I let you vent and now I’m done.” He sighs wearily. “Max, I would like Billy to consider pressing charges.” He holds up his hand as she starts to protest. “I’m not going to force the issue. If he decides he wants to, my door is open.” He turns to Lucas. “I know who Neil Hargrove is now, which means I will make sure he’s not in areas around children and any report that comes in to me about him, I will investigate with an incredible amount of bias. I will make him pay somehow. Okay?” He looks at Mike and pushes off against the wall. “Mike, you’re right about Steve. We all feel a little guilty about not being there for him when we were wrapped up in our own things. But we can worry about Steve _and_ Billy. Steve is in the hospital and I called and he is still refusing visitors so there’s nothing we can do about that right now except throw out some ideas on how we can help with what we have to work with while Steve is in the hospital. And we _can_ be here for Max. She’s struggling and it doesn’t matter what she’s struggling with, you’re all supposed to be her friends so maybe forget that she’s upset about Billy and just work with the fact that she’s _upset._. And Dustin… does it really matter how they treated Steve before? They’re here _now_ and that can only be good for Steve, right?”

Dustin sighs and nods in understanding. “Okay yeah… Sorry, guys… I’m just angry that this has happened and I want to blame someone and right now it’s easier to blame all of you.”

Mike looks over at Dustin. “Yeah, but you were right. It doesn’t seem right that we’re jumping in to help now after we treated him as unimportant before. But we can learn from our mistakes and we’d all like a chance to do that.”

Lucas glances at Max and then down at the floor. “And if _we_ can learn from _our_ mistakes then maybe that means _Billy_ can learn from _his_. And I know that, Max, you really want someone who knows what you went through and Billy is the person who would understand the most. For _your_ sake, I hope that he’s really working on being the brother you deserve.”

Max hugs Lucas. “Thank you. Thank you, that’s all I need. I just want you all to be supportive and in a way that’s useful to me.” She releases Lucas and addresses everyone. “I can’t keep fighting all of you on what you think is best. Billy and I _lived_ with Neil. Our mothers abandoned us. I don’t expect you to care about Billy, but he’s the one who _gets_ me right now and I _need_ him.” She breaks down crying and Joyce is quickly there to wrap her in a hug. 

The boys quiet down when they see how much their friend is hurting so when Jonathan motions for them to follow him to the garage turned rec room, they do so, leaving El behind to sit with Max, Claudia, Joyce and Hopper. They find places to sit and don’t say much at first and then Mike speaks up when the silence and the weight of their own thoughts gets to be too much. “Okay, so we focus on what we can do now.”

Will nods. “Yeah, so let’s talk about Steve. He won’t see us. And just sitting around being angry isn’t going to help him.”

“You know, he might go back to his house eventually, even if it’s to get clothes. It was really messed up when I was there. Maybe we could go in and clean things up?”

Dustin nods. “Yeah, I like that idea. I think he would really appreciate it. And we could stock up on some stuff for him so he won’t have to go to the store or anything.”

“And I can talk to Nancy and my mom. They’ve put Steve through enough. I can lay down some ground rules so they don’t make anything worse for him.”

Jonathan looks over at Mike. “I can help you with that when you talk to Nancy.”

Mike gives him a small smile of acceptance. “And maybe we can work out a schedule to keep Steve with us or to watch him… if he lets that happen.”

“Yeah, I really think we need to walk the line between keeping him safe and disrespecting what he wants from us.” Jonathan sighs. “Okay, so I think we’ve got a good idea about what we can do for Steve. I guess our next priority right now is Max. I can tell you right now that we have to stop looking as if Max is dividing her concern. She can be worried about Billy _and_ Steve equally and she has a right to do that. Billy is her brother and she’s right… he’s going to understand her more than any of us right now. So we forget that it’s Billy and we care about _Max._.”

Lucas nod. “Yeah, I think I can do that. I won’t push her anymore when it comes to him. I’ll back off for _her_.”

They sit quietly for a moment until Will breaks the silence that again threatens to overwhelm them with its heaviness. “What about Billy?” All eyes are on him and he’s aware that none of them know what to say because they’re all angry with him. “Look, we have a lot of reasons to dislike him-“

“ _Hate_ him.” Lucas clarifies. 

“Okay, we have a lot of reasons to hate him, but we care about Max and we’re doing everything we can to change so Steve knows we care about him, too. Max cares about Billy so that means taking care of _Max_ means taking care of _Billy_. I know you don’t like it and we don’t have to go crazy with it, but just some general concern would be helpful.”

“Yeah, he’s right.” Jonathan rubs a hand over his face. “And Steve, damn him, was worried about Billy in the hospital for a variety of reasons, but he was relieved when I told him that Billy was safe. No matter what people do to him, he forgives them. I’m not okay with Billy being around Steve, but as long as we make sure Steve doesn’t take shit from anyone, I suppose we can respect him enough to give Billy the space to work on his own shit so maybe he can be worthy of Steve’s forgiveness. And we need to make sure Billy knows that no matter what he did, he didn't deserve what his father did to him. l don't think we should ever let anyone think that they deserve that. And it's... well, it's what Steve would do. And let’s face it, guys… there may not be anything we can do about it. Ultimately it’s Steve’s choice how much he lets Billy in. Although they don’t really have anything in common so… I don’t know….”

“What about Neil?”

Dustin looks at Lucas. “What _about_ him?”

“Shouldn’t we do something about Neil and what he did to Billy and Max?”

Jonathan shakes his head. “No, we need to leave that to Hopper. We have enough on our plates. No more being mean to Billy, alright? You don’t have to be nice to him, but let’s not be cruel, either. It’s Christmas. Maybe for right now, we show him what it means to be kind and maybe he’ll learn something from our example.”

Mike nods. “Yeah, and we won’t have to see him for a long time. It’s not like there’s a ton of breaks for awhile for him to even make it back here.”

Will smiles. “Good. Then we’re agreed? We’re going to handle this and we’re doing it together?”

Lucas nods. “Yeah… yeah, I think this is really good, guys.” He claps Dustin on the shoulder. “Hell, I think we’ve got it worked out. This is going to be a really good week. And next year is going to be different and bring really positive things for us.”

Dustin laughs. “Okay, Santa.” He rolls his eyes. “Be careful, though, with your optimism. You’re gonna jinx it.”

Claudia opens the door. “Boys? You have a visitor.” She steps aside and Nancy Wheeler walks in. 

Mike stands up. “Too late.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope none of you minded the short chapter!


	32. The Secrets That We Keep - Steve and Billy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets come to light, both terrifying and tragic. One could affect Steve in horrifying ways. The other could eventually help him heal with the support of Billy and his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love this story so much. I haven't felt this passionate about my writing in years. Thank you so much to everyone who is on this journey with me. Hopefully this chapter doesn't scare too many people. There is a trigger here for extreme violence and minor character death (not Grayson or Kyle). Also, it's a memory and not happening in the moment.

Steve opens his eyes slowly and blinks a few times. He lets his memory slowly come back to him and frowns. He tried to kill himself. _Fuck…_ He’s not sure at first if he’s upset that he failed or if he’s upset that he tried it in the first place. He remembers thinking that it was the only way out and part of him still has a nagging pull that it is, but he also knows that he has people who need him. The thought that he could have pulled the demogorgon out in the same reality with the kids causes him to shudder. He was careless and he’s lucky that…

He sucks in a harsh breath. It came for him. He remembers now. Just before he lost consciousness. He felt it grab him, try to take him. He pulls against his restraints a bit. He needs to find someone. Needs to let them know that the danger is still present. The only reason… He sighs, trying to remember. 

_Billy._

Of all people, Billy Hargrove saved him from death. Steve takes another deep breath at that. Billy tortured him and now Neil’s torturing him, but Billy’s saving him. He feels resentment grow in his chest. Billy got _everything_ , but not from hard work or determination. He got it because he _took_ it from him. Steve stares at the ceiling and tries to focus his thoughts on the one person who he knows will always have his back: Dustin. 

He tries to focus on things that Dustin will need him for and what he would have missed if he’d been killed. Dustin will need him to navigate his first year of high school, to cheer him on at his first prom, to help him figure out who to ask and how to ask someone to the various events that high school has to offer. Steve is going to be the one Dustin comes to with his first real heartbreak and his first real love. Hopefully they won’t be the one and the same, like it was for Steve.

The brunette lets his mind wander to helping Dustin find a way to propose to the girl he loves, to maybe standing up as best man at the wedding, to hugging him tightly when he finds out that he’s going to be an “uncle.” As a tear falls and catches in the hair at his temple, he allows it. He won’t cry for Neil Hargrove, but he will cry for the future he and Dustin have that he nearly threw away. He can do that.

He feels himself start to drift off again and pulls himself back. He doesn’t want to sleep anymore. He wants to do something. He’s having a moment of clarity and he’s not sure how long it’s going to last. He needs to talk to Hopper. He needs to get Max away from her stepfather. He needs to find Billy and make sure he’s okay. He vaguely remembers Jonathan being there and telling him that Billy is alright. He needs to tell someone about the center he was in. He doesn’t need to be specific but he can certainly tell them enough that they shut it down. He’s so scared. He knows what’s going to happen. He knows that this won’t last. He fights Neil sometimes when he feels like this and then he forgets to care anymore and the weight of a desire for death claims him. It almost did this time and he’s scared that it will again. 

He doesn’t want to keep living this way, but he doesn’t know how to live any other way when this shit happens. And his mind and body won’t cooperate. Someone touches him or looks at him and he flinches. He can’t even think about what happened to him without having a panic attack. He’s not even sure if he could talk to anyone right now and make any sense. Just because his mind is cooperating at the moment, doesn’t mean that it will for much longer. 

His thoughts turn to Max. He shudders to think what she may have been exposed to and, while Billy may also have been hurt, the idea that Max at so young of an age might have had her life touched in such an evil way makes him pull against the restraints again. He hesitates as the sharp pain travels from his wrists up to his arms. He knows that it came close. Even if hell hadn’t opened up underneath his pool, he almost ended it all. He thinks back to his conversation with Billy that night. He worries that he may have revealed too much. 

He remembers Billy being there, but not how he got there. And he was confused because he was pretty sure Billy wasn’t in Hawkins anymore, but then he’d mentioned Christmas. Steve had forgotten that holiday even existed. And Billy confessed that-

Billy _confessed!_ It was a lie. All of it! All of the things he admitted to the Father because he wanted to stop the pain or avoid the straps around him while pain sliced through his head. He told him that he liked guys and that he’d always liked guys. And they’d believed him. He also knows that he wasn’t lying exactly when he said that. But Billy kept trying to convince him that he wasn’t alone and Steve knows that’s a lie so maybe Hargrove hasn’t changed that much after all. Still, Billy said that he’d told everyone about his lie so maybe now he has a chance to convince people that he’s not a royal screw-up. Maybe. He’s not certain that he’s _not_ a royal screw-up.

Billy wanted Steve to punish him. He remembers that, too. He remembers thinking that the only punishment that would equal was Steve went through would be sending him to the center so he knows what Steve went through. And he’d never do that. And he’ll never let Billy know what happened so there’s no point in thinking about it. And his father… He allows himself to briefly think about Neil Hargrove. He’s never going to let that man near Billy or Max. It doesn’t matter what Billy did to him, nobody deserves that monster. The men before him only wanted to fuck him, but Neil… Neil wants to _humiliate_ him. To _own_ him. He keeps trying to think when it started, but Neil mentions vague moments of seeing him once and then knowing that he had to have him. He has made comments about other boys, but none that he was ever able to get close to. Steve supposes he has his father to thank for this opportunity of Neil’s. 

He frowns as he thinks of how familiar he is with the man after only a few weeks. Neil treats it like they’re in a relationship and Steve’s brain has latched onto that, maybe because it doesn’t seem so horrific to him that way. He doesn’t know. What he _does_ know is that he told Billy too much that night. He mentioned things about the center and he can’t make that mistake again. Nobody can know. The idea that anyone could know what he did and what was done to him is far more humiliating than anything Neil can do to him in the bedroom. 

His anxiety softens as he thinks of one of his confessions to Billy. He was certain he was about to die and so he said everything. He took the burden of that secret off his chest. He wanted to be friends with Billy Hargrove. He thought he’d had a shot at a real friend that day. Billy hadn’t seemed like a follower. He seemed like a guy who would only like someone if he wanted to. And Steve wanted a friend like that, one that he never had to wonder about their ulterior motives. 

His heart rate picks up as he remembers that he confessed more. More than he ever meant to, even on the verge of death. He had told Billy that he wanted him, that he’d thought about being with him. That he’d wanted Billy to be his first…. His breath hitches. The thought of anyone touching him that way now makes his skin crawl and he shudders and clenches his jaw. But he had wanted that at one time. He’d wanted to be loved and treasured and he wanted… he wanted someone to explore his sexuality with, someone who was just as eager to learn things as he was. He wanted to be special. He _wants_ to be special. But right now, even though he knows it’s twisted, he only sees Billy in that role. Everyone he meets now… everyone he has feelings for… will be _after_ the hell he experienced. His feelings for Billy are the only thing left about his sexuality that’s innocent. That’s not tainted. 

His breath hitches again and the crying becomes impossible to hide now. He’s fooling himself to think that he wanted _someone_ else and now that person sees him as weak. Billy had challenged him. He’d made him earn his loyalty instead of just handing it to him like everyone else had. And although Steve was angry, he admired it. Billy wasn’t going to be a fair weather friend. He was supposed to be a real one who became his best friend. In his fantasies, Billy was supposed to be sitting with him, having a deep conversation when Steve confesses that he’s not like the other guys. Not like _Billy_. And when Billy accepted him for who he was, maybe nothing would happen. Maybe Billy would force himself to go to gay bars and be his wingman even though he’d be super uncomfortable. Or maybe Billy would surprise him and confess his feelings, too. 

But it doesn’t matter now. Billy has someone in his life. Someone else gets to explore a relationship with Billy. And he’ll never be wanted by anyone other than someone like Neil Hargrove. Someone who has perverted tastes and wants to hit and hurt and humiliate. That’s all he’s good for now. And Billy… Billy said that wasn’t true. Billy told him that everyone would be there for him. He offered to go with him, to tell them together. And then he’d mentioned Thanksgiving….

Steve’s sob catches in his throat as the memory of Neil, of what had been done to him threatens to pull him under again. He fights to hold on to who he is, to the bad ass who fought monsters, but it’s too much and he starts to slide away again. But he hears Billy’s voice. He _hears_ it and he wants it to be real and when Billy’s voice begs Steve to stay, to be a part of his life, he tries. He tries so hard, but he was honest when he said he didn’t want to burden Billy with his shit. His _bullshit_.

Then the door opens and he looks up and sees Marissa, the woman who comes in with a kind smile and a soft voice. He stares at her and wants to tell her what’s going on in his head, but can’t. He has no energy for it. And by the look on her face, he can see that she’s worried. As she carefully wipes away his tears, he pleads with her, with his eyes, to end his suffering, but she doesn’t hear his thought. She doesn’t want him to give up. She’s told him so a few times now in the day and a half that he’s been lying here. They won’t even let him up to go to the bathroom. They just come in regularly and hold something over his dick so he can pee and not make a mess. Then they take the bottle or whatever it is into the bathroom to empty it. They keep encouraging him to keep going to the bathroom, but he ignores them. He’s not doing that in front of anyone. And if they see, then they’ll know. He doesn’t know what he looks like in those most intimate of places, but it feels like hell so he can only imagine. And nobody can know. 

“Hi Steve, how are you today, sweetheart. Sad, huh? I understand. You really scared people, honey. How about we let some people visit you today?” 

He studies her for a moment and wonders if Billy was right. Maybe they would accept him. Maybe he could finally be safe. He takes a deep breath and nods. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Surprisingly, Billy wanted to curl up with Grayson on the way to the diner. Kyle drives and glances in the rearview mirror a few times to make sure that they’re both alright. Grayson is sitting on the passenger side, but Billy is curled up and facing him and Grayson is half cradling him and stroking his hair and whispering words to him about how he’s not alone and they’re here for him. 

Kyle feels a quick pang of jealousy and pushes it away. He knows it’s not going to do anybody any good for him to turn bitch now. He ends up parking pretty far away from the diner in a more secluded part of the parking lot. He turns around and smiles at the two. “Hey, I can park closer, but I thought we might all need a minute.”

Billy sits up and scrubs his hands over his face. “I’m so sorry, guys. I shouldn’t have gone to see him alone and I shouldn’t have gotten it in my head to end things and I-“

Grayson freezes. “You’re not… you can’t end things. Listen to me, I need you to promise me that will _never_ be an option again.”

Billy looks at him for a moment and then nods. “I’m sorry. I promise.”

Grayson sighs in relief. “Steve already tried it and you know how that made you feel so… killing yourself doesn’t solve anything. It just fucks up the lives of everyone who cares about you and in this case, it’s me and Kyle. I swear it, Billy. I will never forgive you for that.”

Billy takes Grayson’s hand. “Hey… I won’t. I was pretty fucked up and it’s stupid. I know that. I guess I was just pretty over my head with the shit that happened with Steve. But I’m kind of freaked out for him. I’d like to go see him actually.”

Kyle and Grayson share a look and Grayson voices what they’re both thinking. “You really think that’s a good idea?”

“He’s gay. Or bi. And before I fucked him over, he kind of… he liked me.”

Grayson closes his eyes because there is no way this whole situation can get even more fucked up. “Seriously?”

Billy nods. “Yeah, and basically I’m the biggest piece of shit out there. Maybe I deserve what Neil-“

“Stop!” Kyle glares at him. “Don’t you _dare_ give that motherfucker a free pass. I swear to God, Billy… I will knock the sense into you myself.”

Billy sighs. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Regardless, I want to see Steve and see if he can tell me anything more about where he was kept.”

Grayson frowns. “He told you about it? But wait… _kept_? I thought you said he was at a resort.”

“Yeah, well I’m a dumbass. Wherever it was, it wasn’t a fucking resort. He said they hurt him.” 

He tells Grayson and Kyle what he knows and Kyle immediately pales. “A… a conversion center?”

Grayson frowns. “I think I’ve heard of those. Aren’t they geared toward people who are gay? Like therapy or something to convince people they’re _not_ gay?”

Kyle shakes his head. “Not… not exactly.” He rubs his hands against his jeans as they become sweaty and turns around in the seat. “I mean… it depends I guess.”

Grayson leans forward and places a hand on Kyle’s shoulder as Billy readjusts in his seat. “Hey… you alright?”

Kyle jumps. “Yeah… sorry. Um… and he said he couldn’t leave so… how did he escape?”

Billy looks over at Grayson and then back to Kyle, but Kyle was not meeting his eyes in the rearview mirror. “Escape?”

“I mean… he got out so..” Kyle takes a deep breath. “Shit. Sorry. Billy, why don’t we get you inside and get you something to eat.”

Billy shakes his head. “You don’t know me well at all if you think that I’m letting this drop.” He gets out of the car and crawls into the passenger seat and looks at Kyle. “Hey… you’re not only here for _me_. That’s not how we work. We’re here for _each other_. All three of us. Now tell us what’s going on.”

Kyle twists his hands around each other in his lap and keeps fidgeting as he looks down at them. “Uh… I know you guys think that I had a pretty… relaxing childhood and I did…” He shrugs a shoulder. “Until I told my parents I’m gay. They were really upset. I was… 15. They spoke to the priest and I ended up at this… center.”

Grayson’s jaw clenches. He’s not used to seeing Kyle this hesitant and it’s worrying him more than he wants to admit. “What did they do to you?”

Kyle sighs. “It sounds a lot like what they did to Steve. Pictures of men… if I responded to them, they’d do shit like make me feel like I’m worthless. They shamed me a lot. Sometimes they would put me in a room with someone and force me to masturbate for a long time. I lost track of how much. But the entire time I did it, I had to talk about what a worthless piece of shit I was and talk about how and why I liked men. It was weird, but I was so fucking tired afterward. If I didn’t do things to their satisfaction, there was punishment.” 

Billy reaches over and grips Kyle’s hands before they twist themselves into knots. “What was the punishment?” 

“Depends on who was giving it. Some of them would deny dinner so I went to bed hungry. Sometimes they wouldn’t let me sleep and I had to stand up all night. Sometimes both. I don’t panic about it anymore. I sleep when I want and I eat when I want so that was kind of… over before it started.”

“But… Kyle, you don’t masturbate anymore.”

Grayson feels like the wind has been knocked out of him at Billy’s statement. “Wait, what? At all?”

Kyle shakes his head. “I can’t really touch myself at all when I’m alone. As soon as I do, I start thinking about how sick I am and that’s going to be a response for now. I mean I know that it wasn’t really therapy. I know that it’s twisted. But right now, I’m just not there yet. I’m working on it. It’s just taking some time. They also made me masturbate to materials showing men and then when I was close, they’d show me naked pictures of women. I never really understood it. There was a lot of masturbation involved, though, so that’s why I just… can’t.”

Billy leans forward and kisses Kyle’s cheek and then stays close so Kyle can feel Billy’s breath on his cheek. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I wish you’d told me, but I get why you didn’t.” He kisses his cheek again. “What about the bright lights he talked about?”

Kyle frowns. “I had a guy that I met there and he said it wasn’t a bad place because the last place had used shock therapy. He described it the way you’re saying Steve did.”

“Christ, Kyle…” Grayson is shocked to hear all of this. “Did they do that to you?”

Kyle shakes his head. “No. I was there for a month and then I went home. My parents kept telling me I was going to hell and they couldn’t have me acting ‘like a fag’ around people we knew so I just… I left.”

“What do you mean you left?”

Billy looks back at Grayson. “He ran away from home. I knew that, but I thought it was like… a tantrum or something.”

Kyle smiles sadly. “I told you that, yeah, but I actually ran away and stayed gone. I haven’t seen my parents since. I lived off of handouts and shelters for a year. I’d give someone a quick handjob in an alley for a meal.” He looks at both of them. “It _never_ went further than that.”

Billy strokes Kyle’s hair back. “That’s already too far. I’m so sorry, baby.”

Kyle shrugs. “Anyway, after a year, someone called social services and I played it off like I had amnesia. Stupid, but it worked.” He laughs sadly. “Nobody was looking for me so… for eight months, I lived in a shitty foster home with people who gave me the basic necessities in order to get a check from the county. I finished up school and got some sort of poor runaway kid financial assistance thing. And here I am.”

Grayson leans forward and rests his arms on the back of the front seat. “Hold up… you said you were going home for the holidays.”

Kyle frowns. “Yeah, well.. I just didn’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.”

Billy smacks Kyle’s shoulder lightly. “Nobody would feel sorry for you. We care about you. You should have told us. Neither one of us would have made you stay by yourself.”

Kyle closes his eyes for a moment, centers himself, and then opens them to look at Billy. “You really want to try and see him?”

Billy nods. “I really do.”

Kyle looks back at Grayson, who nods quickly. He looks back at Billy. “Okay. But if he’s not seeing anyone-“

Billy holds his hands up. “We leave. I won’t fight.”

Kyle sighs and then starts up the car and lets Billy lead them to the hospital.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Neil Hargrove hangs up the phone and sighs. He’s not really very happy, but that’s how it goes sometimes. Things are not going how he had thought and he knows that he’ll have to deal with it, but he wasn’t expecting things to get so dangerous. He kicks one of his chairs as he walks by and heads into his room to pack. 

He thinks of what happened earlier with his son and he shakes his head. It was a temporary impulse and didn’t have anything to do with lust. He wanted to put the boy in his place. But that young man who came for him in the morning and tried to intimidate him… Now _he_ was a pretty one. Neil smirks and wonders if Steve would allow him to have a third join the party, but then shakes his head. He’s waited too long to have rich and proper Steve Harrington under him. He’s not going to share him. He looks so much like…

Neil shakes his head, unwilling to go there. It was a long time ago. He and the boy were stupid and experimenting with things they didn’t understand. He knows that boy, Raymond, had led him down the deviant path he is currently on. He half wonders if he’s still in the shallow grave he and his father had dug for him after he’d told his father that Ray had forced him. That Ray was a monster who came into his room under the cover of night. He still remembers the betrayed look on his former friend’s face. But that was his fault if he thought he was ever going to risk his father’s wrath over some sex.

But Steve… he looks so much like Ray and he’s soft like Ray was. And it’s different now because his old man is long dead and forgotten and this boy… this boy he can keep for as long as he wants. And he doesn’t have to pretend with the women in his life anymore. He doesn’t have to imagine they’re soft beautiful boys while he’s in bed with them. 

He still remembers the soft boys when he’d go on assignment. The military life made it real easy to slip off for some female comfort, but his comfort came in the form of sweet young boys who were eager to make a buck. Most of them he touched and allowed them to touch him, but he didn’t do much more with all of them. But the ones he did… the ones he sunk into… whether they allowed it or not… those were the ones that he treated the best. He made sure it was quick and painless. Since they were society’s forgotten, nobody missed them and nobody came looking for them and there was nobody around to tell what Neil Hargrove liked to do in his bed. He’s hopeful that Steve won’t force him into the same position one day.

His hardship is real, though. Ray forced him into these feelings and ruined his relationships with women. And Steve is the same way. But he has no interest in any more relationships with women so Steve will be there to satiate his lust and that’s good enough. And if he gets the temptation again to wrap his hands around that beautiful slender throat, he’ll try and remember that this is a gift he doesn’t want to give up easily.

For now, he’ll have to be patient. A small break won’t hurt anything. He’ll have his lover back in no time and he knows that Steve will fall in line since Neil will never leave him alone again. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy rushes into the lobby of the emergency room. He can’t imagine that Steve is still there, but he figures it’s a place to start. He knows Kyle and Grayson are behind him, but he’s too worried about making sure Steve is not in any danger of going back to this fucking center or whatever the hell it is. He promises himself that he’s going to curl around Kyle later and make sure he knows how great of a guy he is. 

He sees a nurse coming out to the desk and smiles at her. “Hey, I know this is a long shot, but I’m checking to see if a friend is still here. He uh.. he came in last night for trying to…” He lowers his voice. “He tried to kill himself by slitting his wrists in his pool.”

The nurse studies him for a moment and then nods. “His name?”

“Steve Harrington.”

She arches an eyebrow. “Harrington. Good to know… okay… you a friend?”

Billy considers that. “I’m… I’m the person who helped to save him and I don’t want him to be alone.”

“You’re in luck. I was just speaking to him and he is willing to have visitors. You’re the first one to show up.”

Billy frowns and then asks for a piece of paper. He thinks for a moment and then writes down a number on it. “Look, can you call this number and tell whoever picks up that Steve is taking visitors? There are a lot of people who care about him and if you wait for them to call you then…” He shakes his head. “Just… please call them. I don’t want any delay in him having the people he needs surrounding him.”

The nurse smiles. “Alright, young man. This seems to mean a lot to you so I guess I’ll help you out on this one.” 

Billy smiles in relief. “Thank you.”

She nods. “Alright, his room is-“ 

“Marissa? Phone for you…”

Marissa turns and looks at the other nurse. “Okay, one second.” She turns back to Billy. “He’s straight back. I’ll have Carla take you back so I can take this call. And then… we can talk about options with him. If there are people at that number who can take responsibility for him-“

“There are.”

She smiles. “Then we should be able to give them information about his psychiatric care as early as tomorrow. I’ll call them after I get done with this call waiting for me, okay?”

He grins. “Okay. And that’s really good news about him taking visitors. I can’t wait for the others to find out.” He waves to the guys and then follows Carla down the hall. He shivers with the atmosphere, but calms himself down because things really look good right now for Steve and he’s going to do what it takes to help make those good things continue. 

When the door opens, he’s struck by how still Steve is. He turns to the nurse and whispers. “Can he… I mean can he sit up?”

She shakes her head. "Not without nursing assistance due to the restraints. Do not untie him at all and don’t give him anything without speaking to us. He can have some water but nothing can be within his reach when you’re not standing right there. And if you leave, let me know. Also…” She points out a big red button on the wall. “If there’s an emergency, push that and we’ll come running.”

He watches her walk away and tries to figure out what he’s actually doing here. He turns around and freezes when he sees Steve looking right back at him. He gestures toward the door. “I can… I can leave if you want me to.”

Steve keeps staring at him and then shakes his head, just barely, but it’s enough for Billy to catch it. 

Billy walks closer and grabs a chair from against the wall and drags it over. He sits down, close to Steve’s head and looks at the restraints. “They have you restrained. I wish I could take them off for you, but I think the nurse will kick my ass.”

He thinks he imagines it, but he swears he sees the ghost of a smile on Steve’s face. 

“Come on, Princess. You used to run your mouth all the time. And our last conversation was… well, it was scary. I’d like to have another one to erase the memory of that one, wouldn’t you?”

Steve clears his throat and studies Billy’s face for a bit before finally speaking. “What do you want me to say?”

Billy smiles. “Well that’s a start. I was thinking that I could help get you moved in after you get everything settled, probably with Dustin and Claudia. Everyone is really worried about you. I can’t stay for a long time. I have classes starting up. Oh! But I was looking into some things and you can still get a scholarship. I can help you this summer to get back in shape and recondition yourself. Lots of people fuck off to Europe for a year after high school so you’ll be right on track as a beatnik. I mean that could be cool, right? You can just tell people you’re worldly and they’ll leave you alone.” He stops his rambling and bites down on his lower lip, remembering with the pain that it’s split. “Shit.”

Steve is a bit alarmed and amused at Billy’s rambling, but he forgets all of it when he sees that Billy is in pain. That leads him to check the boy over and realize that he’s sporting a split lip and a bruised eye. “What happened?”

Billy considers telling him the truth about his dad, but knows that Steve doesn’t need that to think about, too. “Oh… Byers wasn’t really happy with me about some things. I can’t blame him, but he hit me. I gave it to him. No reason in both of us icing our faces.”

Steve isn’t sure why he doesn’t believe him, but he puts it aside for a moment. “I’m sorry..”

“What the hell do you have to be sorry about?”

“Trying to kill myself in front of you.” He closes his eyes. “I just don’t know who I am anymore.”

Billy scoots closer. “You’re a guy who is too damn nice for his own good because total assholes like me take advantage and think that it’s weakness, but it’s really strength. It takes a lot of that to let people in close to your heart. I’d never be able to do that.”

“It _is_ weakness.” His lower lip trembles and his hands start to shake. He wants to tell Billy about Neil, to warn him to stay away from his monster of a father, but it sticks in his throat. If he tells Billy this, he might use it against him. Maybe he'll want to do the same to him. He can't let that be taken away from him, too. “I can’t do this… I can’t. I tried.” He starts to sob and turns his face away.

Billy stares at him for a second and then shakes his head. “Steve… I’m sorry. I can call the nurse and-“

“No! I don’t want to talk to the nurse! I want to go…“ He turns toward Billy again, his sobs settling into silent tears. “I don’t… I don’t know. I don’t have anybody.”

“That’s not true. All of those kids love you so much. Steve, you have people. You do. And I’m so sorry that I wasn’t one of them. I was fucked up. And I really am sorry for everything I did to you. It doesn’t change anything, but I _am_ sorry.”

Steve studies him for a moment. “Did you tell them… did you tell them I forced you to… That I forced myself on you and that… it happened more than once?”

Billy frowns. “What? Tell _who?_ I mean… let’s get one thing straight, you _never_ hurt me! _Never!_ I lied. I made a choice to hurt you and that’s what I did. I won’t make excuses. It was wrong and there is no way to make up for any of it. And I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me, but I did _not_ tell _anyone_ that you did that. I… I said…” He frowns and hates that he actually said these things. “I said that you told me you loved me.” He sighs. “And I told them at the school that you tried to touch me, but I _never_ said you did. Not that it makes it any less awful that I lied about you at all, but I promise you that was the extent of it.” He groans. “Anything I say is going to sound like shit. Steve, I’m not a good person. And I’m sorry. What I did to you was wrong and inexcusable. And not just that, but the shit that happened with your scholarship. It was _yours_ and I swept in and-“

“You had to get away from Neil.”

Billy’s head snaps up because he has no clue how Steve knows about his father or how much he’d wanted to get as far away as possible. He’s about to ask when he remembers that Max probably told Steve all about it. “Not an excuse, Harrington. It was still wrong.”

“I’m glad… that you got away.”

He reaches over to take Steve’s hand and then thinks again and puts his hand back in his lap. “I’m getting help. I started seeing a therapist. And I go to group meetings for people who are… not accepted all the time. People who are gay or don’t feel right in their bodies. I have some older friends who took the time to teach me things about this lifestyle. And I was lucky to room with this guy, Grayson. I was being an asshole about gay guys and black people and… he put me in my place. Wasn’t nice about it, either.”

Steve listens to Billy and watches him talk. He’s still concerned about the split lip. “So you suddenly turned gay?”

Billy smiles. “No, I was always gay. The first time I knew was when I kissed my friend. He’s black and my father was already racist, but this took him to a whole new level. I tried to pretend that I was some kind of player and I had sex with lots of women, but I never enjoyed it. Not really. I didn’t really have anything to compare it to, though.” 

Steve feels his eyes fill up with tears as he thinks of how he compares sex now. It’s always awful and he remembers when it wasn’t, but now he’s not sure he can trust what he experienced before.

Billy reaches out then, not thinking about it. “Steve please…” He cups his cheek and swipes a tear away with his thumb. He wants to tell him not to cry, but that’s ridiculous. “Steve… it’s okay to cry. I’m here and I’ll listen, okay?”

Steve leans into Billy’s touch, the first kind one he’s had in a very long time. “Don’t go…”

Billy shakes his head. “I won’t. I’ll stay here in Hawkins, okay? I’ll take a break and I’ll stay here. And you can meet Grayson and Kyle. They have heard a lot about you. I told them that you are a great guy and I told them what I did. They’re not okay with that, but they are the ones who are helping me to be better. And I know they’ll want to be here for you, too. But it’s up to you. I won’t be angry or hurt about anything. I promise. Do you… do you want me to stay?”

Steve looks up at him and thinks about how Billy staying could help him avoid Neil or it could make Neil’s wrath include Billy. But maybe, maybe they could help each other. He nods, making his decision. He would tell Billy about Neil. They would fight him together and Steve could finally be safe. He hopes Billy is able to stay calm and he has to ask him not to hurt his father, not to allow the police to take him away and leave Steve alone again to fight all of the monsters in his head and in his reality. He takes a deep breath. “Please…”

Both boys are startled by yelling in the hallway. Billy stands and grabs Steve’s hand, turning toward the door. Three men burst in the door, Marissa following close behind yelling at them about protocol and not taking her patient.

One of the men is wearing a lab coat and looks like a doctor. He holds up a piece of paper. “This paper gives us the right to commit Steve Harrington in our hospital for the severely mentally ill.”

“You can’t just _do_ that! He’s an adult! I know he’ll sign for a voluntary admission but he’s not ready to leave _here_ yet!”

The doctor opens a folder he’s holding and gives her a piece of paper. “This document gives his father all rights regarding Steve.”

Billy frowns. “What… what’s happening?”

Marissa glares at the doctor, but addresses Billy. “This… doctor… thinks that he’s taking Steve out of here.”

Billy glances back at Steve as the brunette squeezes his hand tighter. “You’re not taking him _anywhere!_ ” He notices Grayson and Kyle with the other nurse, all standing in the hallway. The yelling most likely was heard out in the waiting area. Billy knows that if he can stall until the others get here, everything will be fine.

The doctor frowns. “Please don’t make this difficult. We’re taking him. He’ll be committed until we determine that he’s ready to re-join society and be safe.”

Marissa shakes her head. “You can’t do that! Even if someone took over legal guardianship of him, only a judge can commit him!”

The doctor hands her another paper. “A judge already did.”

Marissa looks at the orderlies that are waiting as security starts moving people out of the way. “You can’t… that’s not possible! He has to stay inpatient until the hearing and that’s when a judge-“

“The judge made an exception. The Harringtons are prominent in the-“

“That’s a load of shit!” Billy lunges forward, but Steve’s hand clenching his holds him fast. “His father is a monster and his mother isn’t much better. Any judge who gives them _any_ rights to him is either a complete idiot or in Harrington’s pocket!”

The doctor nods to the orderlies and the men who are with him. They carefully, but firmly, move Marissa out of the way and then attempt to do the same to Billy. 

Kyle and Grayson see it coming from their vantage point in the hallway and Grayson speaks up. “Billy! Stop!”

Billy already has his left arm back, ready to backhand someone since Steve still hasn’t let go of his hand. But he stops when he hears Grayson. He remembers that he’s trying to be better and he knows that if he becomes violent, this could be worse for the other boy. He turns back to Steve, to his wide and terrified eyes. “Steve, listen… we’ll get you out, okay? I’m going to call Hopper and he’s going to figure this out.”

Steve tries to hold on, but Billy is yanked away. As soon as his hand is gone, Steve starts to scream. “Don’t take me back! Please! I can’t go back! Please! No!” He pulls hard at the restraints again as the doctor pulls out a syringe and reaches for his arm. “No! No! Please!”

Billy starts struggling against the men holding him. “Leave him alone! You son of a bitch! You’re scaring him!” As Steve’s struggles and screams die down to whimpers and twitches, Billy’s fighting amps up. “Where are you taking him? What facility? You have to tell us _something!_ ”

The doctor walks over and Billy finally stills and glares at the man. “Actually, young man, I don’t have to tell you _anything._ Mr. Harrington is trying to take care of his son.” He frowns. “However, I don’t know what it would hurt for you to know his location. GraceBridge Hospital. Now excuse me.”

Billy struggles again as Steve is transferred to a gurney that is brought in. He reaches out and barely manages to brush Steve’s arm. “Steve, I’ll call Hopper, okay? We’ll find you…”

Marissa watches them go and then shoves at one of the men holding Billy. “Let him go!” She yanks one of them off and then kicks the other one in the shin. “Get out of here before I call the police!” As the men leave, she shakes her head and sits down in the chair that Billy had been in earlier. “What the hell…”

Kyle and Grayson rush in to check on Billy, who hugs Kyle immediately and then looks over at Marissa. “What did everyone say when you called? Are they on their way?”

Marissa shakes her head. “I never called them. That call that came in when I was talking to you? It was a lawyer saying that there was a confidentiality order involving Steve and I wasn’t allowed to release any information until his partner got here. That doctor walked in almost immediately after I hung up. I’m sorry, but I couldn’t violate that order. It could mean my job.”

Grayson nods. “We understand.” He tugs at Billy and Kyle. “Come on, let’s get back and tell everyone what’s going on, okay?”

The three men walk out and Billy can still feel the warmth of Steve’s hand against his own and can still hear Steve’s screams in his ears. Billy runs with the other two to his car and sits in the back once again while Grayson drives. He looks out the window and leans his forehead against the cold glass. “I did it again…”

Kyle grasps Billy’s shoulder kindly as Grayson begins to drive them back to the Hendersons. “What did you do, babe?”

Billy shrugs the shoulder Kyle is holding on to. “I failed him again.”

Kyle turns Billy around to face him. “Hey, a lot of people have failed him before, including you. But this? What happened here today? That’s not on you. It sounds like it’s on his bastard of a father.”

Billy considers that for a moment and then nods. His eyes widen. “His father… What if it’s a lie? What if his dad is sending him back? His father isn’t a bastard. He’s a _monster_ , just like mine. Maybe worse if he sent him to one of those places in the first place.”

Grayson speaks from the front. “Billy, there’s nothing we can do about that right now except let the others know and that’s what we’re going to do.”

Billy takes a couple of deep breaths to calm down. “Yeah… okay. I just hope they know something about this Grace…something.”

“GraceBridge,” Kyle supplies. 

“GraceBridge…” Billy scoffs. “I doubt there’s anything about grace there.”

Kyle nods. “Yeah… the center I went to was called Healing Love.” He shivers and looks out the window. 

Billy pulls Kyle to him, tucking his head under his chin and stroking Kyle’s hair. “Hey… you’re not there anymore. You’re here with Grayson and me and a whole lot of people who think you’re a hero… or crazy… for putting up with me. But you’re not alone. Not anymore.”

Grayson looks in the rearview mirror for a moment and then keeps his eyes on the road as Kyle starts softly crying while Billy whispers comforting words to him. For the first time, he actually understands Billy on a more intimate level. Because he wants to kill someone, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Next chapter will take place at the Henderson home. That one is sure to be a mess.


	33. The Party - Circling the Wagons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Party deals with an unwanted guest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For whatever reason, this is one of my favorite chapters. It challenged me more than most of the chapters because I wanted to really get into the emotion that I feel when writing these folks. 
> 
> ALSO: I've been asked by a few friends of mine what Grayson and Kyle look like or... who would I cast in the show if they made an appearance. LOL. So... I give you my mental image of Grayson and Kyle aka instructions on how to see what I'm thinking when I think of them. 
> 
> Grayson: Go to IMDB and look up Jacob Elordi. There are 23 pics of him. Go to Picture 2.   
> Kyle: Go to IMDB and look up Cayden Boyd. There are 46 photos of him. Go to Pictures 13 and 14. 
> 
> You may visualize something different, but that's what's in my head when I write them so... hope that helps. :)

Will isn’t stupid. Nobody can argue that point. So when Nancy walks into the garage and there is nothing but silence for nearly a minute, he excuses himself to go check in on Max and El. Nancy moves aside for him, but looks at the others, keeping her mouth shut as he walks by. He wants to glance over his shoulder, but he also doesn’t want to see the looks on his friends’ faces. He knows they’re going to be ready to do battle and his focus needs to be somewhere else. It’s overwhelming sometimes to think that passion was directed toward helping _him_ at one time. He never really thought about it. He wonders if Steve thinks about it now. Probably not. Will always knew his friends cared about him. Steve doesn’t think anyone cares at all.

He looks around the living room and doesn’t see anyone. He turns to see Claudia walking up behind him. “Mrs. Henderson? Where did everyone go?” She shakes her head. “Max was becoming agitated and they took her outside for a little bit. You’re welcome to go out there with them. They’re out back. I’m going to get to work on making some lunch for you kids.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Henderson. That’s really nice of you. Sorry that we all kind of invaded your house.”

She smiles kindly. “Don’t worry about that. I love having you all feel comfortable enough here to gather and work things out for everyone involved.” She heads into the kitchen, pretending not to hear the raised voices coming from her garage. 

Will glances toward the now closed door to the garage and sighs. He hears a very loud “Fuck you” that he’s certain comes from Dustin and looks back toward Mrs. Henderson, whose lips are pursed. She’s not making a move to stop any of it, though, so Will figures he can move on to other things, too. He walks to the back door and looks out. He can see Hopper and his mom. Hopper is pacing and his mom is standing between him and the girls, apparently not sure where to focus her attention. 

Max is also pacing, but her movements are more erratic than Hopper’s smooth controlled ones. Sometimes she stops mid-pace and throws her hands up into the air, gesturing wildly. El varies between watching Max, her head swiveling as if she’s watching a tennis match, and following the girl’s example and also pacing. 

He takes pity on his mom and opens the door, deciding to talk to the girls so his mom is free to handle Hopper. He knows he made the right decision when he sees his mother’s look of relief before making her way to Hopper’s side, her hand resting on his shoulder to stop his strides. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Hopper has had it. First, Nancy came to the door and had demanded to see the others. He stayed out of it, but wanted to ask her where her child molesting mother is spending her time nowadays. He refrained and reminded himself that this was Mike’s sister and he isn’t sure how their relationship was doing at the moment. Laying into the sister of the guy that El was enamored with isn’t really the object of his needed focus. 

So he went outside. He saw Joyce’s concerned look, but couldn’t be bothered to talk to her about it while in the house with the girls in the next room. He is so grateful they’d decided to go into Billy’s room to have some privacy. He’s not sure how Max or El would have reacted seeing Nancy. He still can’t believe Claudia was so gracious, but then again she really doesn’t know the extent of Nancy’s involvement in all of this shit. 

He runs his hand over his face. How is he going to clean up this mess… He knows he has to head over to the hospital today to talk to Steve, and hates that he’s going to have to tell the kids they’re not invited. Hopper wants to know where Steve is and wants to question him before someone realizes that there’s not actually an official investigation into his previous disappearance so he has no right to question him at all. But he’s sure as shit going to anyway. 

He looks up as the others come out. Max is mad as hell and El is calm as always. Joyce appears to be frantically trying to be motherly and calm Max down, but the girl is too far gone. He pays her little attention because he already knows that she’s angry about Nancy fucking Wheeler. Hopper doesn’t hate the teen, but he does resent that she’s showing up here and upsetting the kids. He stays lost in his own thoughts, allowing them to drown out Max’s yelling. He doesn’t notice Will come out or Joyce getting closer to him. But when she puts a hand on his shoulder, he stops pacing and turns, only seeing understanding in her eyes. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Joyce sees Nancy and is frozen. She’s really not sure how to react. She wants to yell at her about Jonathan and ask her about her mother’s behavior. She wants to know for certain that Nancy didn’t know that she was leading her son, or Steve, into a den of possible abuse by her own mother. When Hopper walks out, she fights a pang of jealousy. She wishes she’d thought to do that first and then he could stay inside and deal with the fact that Nancy is talking about seeing the boys. She wants to protest, but this is Claudia’s house and she’s being so gracious that Joyce can’t stand to stomp on her toes. She knows that Jonathan will handle the situation and worries more about Will. He’s sensitive and won’t take well to the tension in the room. She can only hope that he’s smart enough to get out while he can. 

She hears the door open and turns in time to see Max in the doorway, staring at Nancy as she walks toward the door to the garage with Claudia. She catches her eye and shakes her head. She sees the stubborn set to her shoulders and watches as her fists clench. But then the girl is marching toward the back door and El is following. Joyce realizes too late that Hopper is already out there and probably won’t control his anger well if Max’s is added to it. She turns, leaving Nancy to the boys, and follows them. 

“Max… honey, I’m so sorry that she’s here. Maybe it’s best if we stay out here for now, okay? Take all the time you need…” 

Max is already raging. She’s not even sure what the girl is saying. All she knows is that both she and Hopper are pacing back and forth and it’s making her dizzy. But El can’t help. El is still trying to learn the nuances of human interaction and Joyce can’t leave her to handle the enraged redhead or the short-tempered father figure on her own. So she hovers between both of them, waiting to see who will lose complete control first. Hopper’s quiet rage and Max’s loud ranting grate on Joyce’s nerves. Both are so angry and yet they’re expressing it in different ways. Joyce is pretty sure she would handle this better if they both were either raging or seething, but not both. 

Hearing the back door open, she looks up and sees Will. She knew he was smart and she is so glad that he clearly has enough self-preservation skills to run from the mess that is happening in the garage. She turns toward Hopper, knowing that Will is better equipped to handle his friends and places a hand on the angry man’s shoulder. When he stops moving, she holds her breath. She has no idea how he is going to react now that his quiet emotion has been interrupted. 

But then he turns toward her, sees her, and deflates. His shoulders loosen and slump and the tension melts out of him as if she’d leeched it from where her hand is resting on his shoulder. She moves it then, allowing it to run up to the back of his neck and she pulls him in for a hug. She may be smaller than him, but she knows that she holds an incredible amount of strength within her and that’s what he needs from her. So she gives it. 

As the voices of Max, El, and Will fade away, she pulls back. She sees that he’s looking over her shoulder and turns to follow his gaze. The three kids have moved over to the corner of the yard and are sitting in a haphazard circle. Max has stopped yelling, but her back is toward the adults so Joyce isn’t sure whether the girl is crying or not. The shaking of her shoulders only indicate that she’s experiencing a strong emotion, but Joyce can’t be sure which one it is. Certainly the girls is entitled to as many as she needs. 

She turns back to Hopper. “Talk to me.”

He sighs. “I want to know where the fuck Karen Wheeler is.”

“I know. So do I. Jonathan swears nothing happened, but I want to hear her admit that she never touched him. And I want to know how she possibly thought it was okay to go after Steve when he told her no and how many other boys told her no, who she didn’t listen to.”

“But she’s not important right now. Steve and Nancy broke up. Billy dealt with flirtations, but nothing more according to him.” He gestures toward the kids. “I was really hoping they wouldn’t see Nancy.”

“Nothing happened. Max was upset, but she and El immediately came out here. I was trying to talk Max down, but she’s too upset. She needs her friends more than an adult right now. Then again, maybe that’s always how it will be. Most of the adults in her life have failed her.”

“Yeah, we’ve all failed Steve, too.” He sighs. “I need to talk to him today if that hard assed nurse doesn’t get in my way.” 

She smiles softly. “She was doing her job, Hopper. She was taking care of Steve.”

“Yeah, something we never did.” He rubs his hand over his face again. “Okay, not really the time for self-pity. I’m worried about telling the kids they can’t come with me. There’s no point if they can’t see him.”

“I agree. Maybe if you talk to him, see if he’s willing to let us see him. Or at least let the kids see him. They’re so worried.”

Hopper nods and then looks at the house. “I wonder how the kids are doing.”

“Well, if the very loud profanity that came from the garage before I came out here is any indication, it’s going well.” 

Hopper finally smiles and pulls her into a hug. “I’m in no rush to help that girl out. Is that awful?”

“Nah. Just human.” She stays in his arms, offering and taking comfort in the small respite until reality decides to crash in again. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Sometimes Max adores El so much and this is one of those times. The girl’s quiet understanding is enough to soothe Max’s battered soul and she basks in the peacefulness that it brings. She takes some deep breaths and lets the disappointment and anger and hurt leave her body and mind for a little while. It’s enough to allow her to breathe again anyway. She isn’t sure how much time has passed when she hears the front door. She trades a look with El and can immediately tell something is wrong. It’s clear that El knows exactly who is coming into the house. 

But El doesn’t lie and as soon as Max is off the bed and heading toward the door, El is there. 

“You aren’t going to like it.”

Max frowns at those words. There isn’t a whole hell of a lot that she _does_ like lately. She opens the door and sees Nancy Wheeler. She immediately clenches her fist. She knows Nancy’s a twig and she’s pretty sure she can knock the bitch out if she’s given half a chance. She’s not sure why she hates the girl. Maybe it’s because Steve cared about her enough that he protected her relationship with her mother. Maybe because she was oblivious to what her mother was doing. Or maybe it’s because she wasn’t there for Steve when he needed her support with all this shit with Billy. She’s pretty sure it’s the latter that makes her want to cave her face in. 

But then she sees Joyce, one of the most loving and fiercely protective people she knows. And she’s shaking her head. She’s warning her off and Max hurts all over because she wants to hurt Nancy, but she is quickly reminded that it’s not her place. Nancy’s brother, her ex-boyfriend, the kids who knew her longest, _Steve_ … They all have a place in line in front of her and she’s okay with that. Out of all of them, Steve will be the one to forgive her. But then again, Steve would also gladly give up his place in line to Max while also telling her that she’s better than that. 

Max hurts. She hurts because of the tension in her muscles, but she also hurts because she was a silly girl who fell in love with Steve Harrington, or as in love as a middle school girl _can_ with a high school king. And he never knew how much she wanted him to tell her amazing things about herself to feel good about who she is and how she wanted him to look at her as if she was special and how she wanted him to care about her and what she thinks. 

And yet he did all of that anyway. 

And her heart breaks. And she leaves. She walks out the back door, not caring who follows, because she hates her brother. She _hates_ Billy and she wants to cave his face in, too. She wants to go back in time and she wants to give him too much sedative. She wants to aim the bat at his head and dig it in deep. She wants to go _back_. She chokes out a sob as she can finally breathe again, out of that house and away from everyone who has a right to be angrier than she is. And El is there with her quiet contemplation, but she doesn’t want that. She wants more. She thinks she hears Joyce’s voice, but she can’t make out what she’s saying past the blood rushing in her ears and when the voice is gone, she starts talking. She starts telling everyone and nobody how Billy sucks and how he used to be kind and now he’s awful and how it’s so unfair that he has friends. 

She gestures wildly to make sure El knows how angry she is and also to release some of the built up adrenaline inside of her that threatens to push her into the house and into the garage so she can turn Nancy’s face into pulp, so she can wait for Billy to come back and turn his face into pulp, too. She wants to hit. She wants to punch. She wants to _kill_ and her mind rushes toward a target she doesn’t want to see. It demands her attention and pushes her and pushes her until her mother and Neil are in full view and she pulls back to scream, to rage, to explode, to give in…

But she doesn’t. 

Because there are arms around her and there are whispers in her ear. And she wants to hear it because it’s calming and drains her anger as if it’s a power all on its own. And she comes back to her sore body and to the Henderson home and to the backyard and she can see El, still quietly contemplating and she can feel soft hair against her cheek and strong, skinny arms around her and she finally hears it. 

“Max, don’t let it take you. Stay here with us. Don’t let it bury you and take you away from us. We love you, Max. Don’t go.”

Her arms come up then to hold onto Steve Harrington because these are the things he would say and this is a thing he would do and she fists her hands in the back of his shirt and she sobs into his neck and she lets him lead her to another corner of the yard with El so they can have some privacy and she sits down as he wipes a tear from her cheek with his thumb and she looks up into his understanding face. 

And sees Will.

The realization knocks a cleansing breath into her and she sighs out her anger and her sadness in one swift exhale. And then another and another and she sees that Will is breathing with her and attempting to coach her in how to keep it controlled. And El is there, still with her quiet contemplation, but this time she’s expressing a bit more amused curiosity. 

And maybe, for the very first time since Steve, Max falls a little bit in love.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Jonathan stands as Nancy walks in after Will leaves. “I didn’t know you were in town already.”

Nancy looks at him for a moment as if trying to see something in his eyes. When she doesn’t find it, she frowns deeply. “Maybe we can talk…”

Mike crosses his arms over his chest. “He’s busy. You can talk here.”

Nancy’s eyes dart to her brother. “What are you doing, Mike? You can’t just tell me what to do or who to talk to and you can’t do that for Jonathan, either. This has nothing to do with you.”

Mike stands. “It has _everything_ to do with _all_ of us!” He takes a step back because he doesn’t want to be near her right now. “Steve’s back.”

She turns to look fully at him then, her eyes wide. “What? When? Is he… I mean where is he?”

Dustin is up then and making sure he doesn’t get near her. “ _Fuck you!_ You don’t get to come back in here and act like you fucking care!”

Her mouth drops open and she shakes her head. “I’ve _always_ cared! I have always wanted what’s best for Steve. All of you just wanted to let him do whatever he was doing and you weren’t making things better!”

Lucas leans back in his chair, already bored with her. “So not backing him up was you making things better for him?”

“Being honest was better for him. He obviously had a thing for Billy. He was always talking about him and I’m pretty sure that’s not normal!”

“It is when you’re being targeted by someone, Nance.” Jonathan is quiet, but his words hold enough weight that it makes her back down.

“Steve is… Steve wants what he wants and he usually get it.” She glares at Mike then. “You used to say that about him all the time.”

“Cuz I was a douche. I can admit it. Maybe you can admit some things to yourself, too, someday. But I’m not really interested in you right now. Why are you here?”

“Because I knew Billy was back and I wanted to talk to him and get some answers.”

Lucas furrows his brow. “About what?”

“About my mother and the lies he told.”

Mike laughs harshly. “You’re so full of shit, Nancy. Mom did exactly what he accused her of and if you don’t know that, you’re dumber than you claim Steve is.”

“I never said Steve was _dumb!_ ”

“You might as well have!” Dustin walks over to stand next to and slightly behind Mike because he doesn’t trust himself at all. “Do you have any idea how stupid he thought he was. He was King Steve. He didn’t care about anything. He ruled that stupid school and he did it because he sailed through things. People would do his homework for him and he had it all. Then you came along…”

“Oh, and it’s my fault that I forced him to do the right thing and work on things for himself? It’s my fault that I forced him to be responsible?”

Jonathan frowns. “Is that what you think happened?”

Nancy looks down and wraps her arms around her waist. “It _is_ what happened.”

Jonathan walks over to her and grips her upper arms lightly until she looks up at him, her eyes filled with tears. “Steve broke my camera. Steve got you to fuck him on the first date.” She glances around at the boys, feeling way too exposed. “Steve stood by while Tommy spray painted disgusting words about you for the town to see. Full on asshole. King Steve sucked.”

Nancy seems relieved. “Exactly.”

“Steve also bought me a new camera and he didn’t tell everyone at school that you had sex. He kept that private, between the two of you. And he cleaned up the spray paint. And he stood up to Tommy and lost a years-long friendship because he wanted to do the right thing. And he wanted to apologize to you even though he thought you betrayed him. And he came back when we were in danger. And he put his life on the line to keep us safe. And Nancy… he was there for Dustin and the kids when they needed him and he forgave you for loving me because he wanted you to be _happy_ and he wanted you to feel free of guilt. You didn’t have _shit_ to do with that. He wanted to be a better person, the kind of person he thought you deserved to have in your life. But he did that on his own. He did the work. And you… you never appreciated it. He changed as much as he could for you and it was never enough. And you tried to do that to me, too, and I’m not going to fall for it, Nancy. I’m not going to bend and break myself into pieces so that you think I’m good enough. You act like Steve wasn’t worthy of you, but you weren’t worthy of _him_.” His eyes roam over her face, over the eyes that won’t meet his anymore, over the trembling lips and the flushed cheeks. “And you know it, don’t you? You know it and you were hoping he would never find out how you used him to make yourself feel like you’re something more than what you are.” He lets go of her then. “I’m over you, Nancy Wheeler. And so is Steve. Leave us _both_ alone.” He turns and walks away from her, no longer able to deal with her presence. 

Lucas glares at her and looks away, not want to deal with her anymore. “Just leave.”

Mike walks up to her. “I love you. You’re my sister. And I’m not sure I’m ever going to forgive you. You don’t need to hurt Steve or Jonathan anymore. And you’re not talking to Billy, either.”

“But I-“

“No. You don’t get to judge him. Not until you look in the mirror and judge yourself. And I may not like him right now, but at least he’s trying to be better. At least he can admit who he is and what he’s done. He doesn’t need your fuck ton of hypocrisy to set him back. Max needs her brother and we’re going to do what we can to make sure he has the space to become the one she deserves. So back off.”

“You’re really defending Billy Hargrove?!?!” She’s quickly becoming enraged. “And you call _me_ a hypocrite!? That’s rich….”

“Because you _are_ a hypocrite,” Dustin answers. “You walk in here like your shit doesn’t stink and try to talk about _Billy?_ We’re not defending him. We don’t have to because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t deserve it. But we are not going to let you talk shit to _Max’s brother!_ She needs him and you’re not getting in the way of that.”

Nancy places her hands on her hips and then wraps them around herself again. “You can’t stop me from talking to him.”

Jonathan doesn’t budge from where he’s standing, refusing to look at her. He still cares about her and it takes everything in him to accept that this is who she is. Mike sinks into his chair and buries his face in his hands, not sure how his sister is so dense and selfish. Lucas is poised to tackle Dustin so he doesn’t get in trouble for killing a girl in his garage. 

Dustin, however, isn’t planning on killing her. “You’re right, Nancy. I can’t. But it won’t be here. Get out of my house.”

“That’s not-“

Dustin gets in her face then. “ _Get out!_ ”

She stumbles backward and turns, hurrying out of the garage. A quick word of goodbye to Claudia is all she says as she runs out the front door. When his mother peeks in through the now open door, she’s concerned. “Everything alright in here?”

Dustin nods. “Just taking out the trash, mom.”

Claudia purses her lips, but thinks better of asking more questions. “Lunch will be ready soon.” She closes the door. 

Mike walks over to Jonathan and nudges him with his elbow, not mentioning the older boy’s red eyes as he quickly wipes a sleeve across his face. “Hey… what you said back there? You forgot something.”

Jonathan sniffles and looks at him. “Yeah? What’s that?”

Mike shrugs a shoulder. “She wasn’t worthy of you, either.”

Jonathan smiles then and nudges Mike back before putting his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders. “Come on. I’m starving.”

The boys follow him out and vow to not let Nancy hurt Steve _or_ Jonathan ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew... another chapter closer to the end of Part I. It's so weird. Hope you like this! Please leave comments if you want to. If not, that's okay, too. ;)


	34. The Party - Where's Steve?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys return to tell The Party what happened to Steve and two of them are slapped in the face with their own demons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive me for this chapter. It is heavy on Grayson and Kyle. If you don't like them, you can probably just read the part with Billy and The Party and maybe the last line of the chapter. If you want, there is a summary at the end. 
> 
> TRIGGERS:  
> Memories of someone's suicide  
> Non-con, memories of "treatment" at conversion center
> 
> **IMPORTANT NOTE (READ READ READ READ!!!!!!!!!!):  
> **  
>  **Suicide is NOT anyone's fault!!!!! It is a choice the person makes because they are desperate and feel there is no other option. Depression changes perception so no, it is generally not enough to think of the people who love them because they honestly believe those people would be better without them. However, the choice of suicide is only the person attempting/completing it. The fault lies ONLY with the disease of depression. If you know someone who has attempted/completed suicide, please remember that. If you are in a dark place, PLEASE remember that your perception is skewed right now and you can't trust it. Talk to someone and make sure that you're not being tricked by your own illness.**

Grayson keeps glancing into the back seat and hopes that Billy is able to comfort Kyle the way he deserves. He’s so angry that anyone had hurt the man who was so helpful to him when he’d gone to his first meeting. Granted, it was at the end of high school for him during a visit to his cousin’s home, but he’d immediately liked the other boy and was glad to have someone to talk to about college worries and high school horrors. 

Now that he thinks of it, Kyle never really talked much about his worries. Maybe because he never had any that he felt he could share. Grayson figures that Kyle probably saw college as an escape. He frowns, thinking of the weekends and the times when Kyle said he was going to visit family after Grayson had invited him to his cousin’s house that summer. He is a bit hurt that Kyle didn’t trust him enough to tell him that he didn’t have a home to go to or family that was worth a damn. The whispering from the back seat tells him that Kyle clearly trusts Billy… and that’s a good thing, right?

Then again, Grayson is hiding his own demons. He shifts in his seat, unable to get comfortable, not because of a physical irritation. It’s the mental itch that has him squirming. He doesn’t know why he told Max all about his family, but he knows she thinks he should tell the others. Maybe he doesn’t trust Billy and Kyle at all. 

No, that’s not it. He trusts Billy enough to be here with him instead of with Josh. And he trusts Kyle enough to… well, to introduce him to Billy. Maybe it’s his shame. He knows he caused Morgan’s death. He knows that if he’d just stayed with him, if he’d gotten off his self-righteous pedestal, his brother would be alive today. And he knows that’s why he can’t give up on Billy. His new friend is nothing short of a monster. And he couldn’t win the fight against Morgan’s monster so maybe, just maybe, he can find some redemption if he fights Billy’s monster. And maybe this time he can win. It feels like it, just a little bit. He thinks that’s why he gets upset with others when they don’t immediately embrace Billy into the fold. 

To be totally honest, he gets why they don’t and he gets that it’s not fair that he thinks they should. But he wants Billy to succeed because, maybe, that means that Grayson has done something right. For once. He failed his brother. He can’t fail anyone else. 

And then there’s Steve. He saw him briefly. He saw the tiniest bit of a resemblance to himself. He had when he first saw the boy’s picture. But the state he was in when he was in the hospital had floored him. It was like looking at Morgan again and he’d almost reached out. Almost. 

But Morgan’s dead. He remembers seeing him that day. He remembers looking and looking and opening the garage door and- He stops the thought. He can’t go there. Not yet. He blinks his eyes a few times to stop the image and luckily sees the house finally. He pulls in the drive. 

“We’re here.”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle leans into Billy and allows himself a moment to let out just a few tears. He knows they’re dampening Billy’s shirt, but he can’t bring himself to care. He’s glad Grayson is driving and allowing him to have some time alone with Billy. While their relationship is clearly complicated, he’s not stupid enough to think that he doesn’t have some very deep feelings for the guy he’s sharing a bed with. He hadn’t meant to, but it happened. And now he has a friendship that crosses the line sometimes. Regardless, he knows that he’s not going to be with Billy forever. 

And even if he’s not in a sexual relationship with him one day, he has a feeling that he’s going to be a very important person in Kyle’s life for the rest of his days. Kyle thinks back to Healing Love. He remembers how much it hurt, not only mentally, but physically. He remembers being take into the room day after day after day and being told to masturbate so many times that he lost count. He remembers all of it, including two very important things that he will never share with Billy or Grayson. The shame of it still haunts him.

_Kyle looks up at the man in his doorway. “Hello, sir.” He’s already been told to address everyone in the facility with respect, but he would have done that anyway. He stands up, still not used to how this place works. It hasn’t been bad so far and he’s been here for a week. He was taken to his room, which has a comfortable enough bed, drawers built into the wall, and a radio and television combination, also built into the wall. He has his own bathroom in his room so he has the luxury of showering alone, instead of in gym class where he always struggles to keep his eyes off of the one or two boys he has had a crush on. And the meals aren’t half bad. They even pass out snacks in the evening. He’s used the library a few times in the last week. It’s quiet and relaxing and the time flies as he loses himself in new knowledge and old stories._

_But this is the first time this man has come to his room. He’s seen him around, talking to others or looking in on various guys, including one or two in his own hallway where he is one of six. He knows there are at least two other hallways because there is always at least 15 people in the cafeteria at meal time and sometimes one or two more._

_“Kyle, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’m Dr. Patrick Hill, the executive director and treatment coordinator here at Healing Love. You’ll be meeting with Margaret Crowe every other day starting today. She’s your counselor and very good at her job. Kyle, I don’t want you to panic. I know that you’re scared and you don’t understand what’s happened to you. But your condition… it’s a mental illness, just like schizophrenia or deep depression. Your family is not willing to abandon you to this illness. So trust us to help you.”_

_Kyle nods. “I understand.” He’s not really sure that he doesn’t have a mental illness at this point. He’s young, not even able to drive a car yet. While he doesn’t feel sick, what does he know? He follows Dr. Hill to a room near the library and meets with Margaret. He enjoys their conversation. The woman seems kind and caring and she asks him a bunch of questions about his life and the things he likes and dislikes. He finds they both have a love of classic literature and they chat about that for the last ten minutes of the session._

_But then he’s taken into a room with Dr. Hill and two other people, a man and a woman. They seem to be assistants. They sit quietly as Dr. Hill explains the procedures they will use to “cure” him. At first, he’s not totally opposed. Masturbation is one of his favorite activities. He asks if he will be watched and is told that there will be someone present at all times, but that he won’t be actively watched._

_Kyle is told there are consequences to not fully participating in his therapy and he shudders to think of what that could be. He’s heard rumors of what happens in mental asylums and, even though he doesn’t even know if those place exist anymore, one of his hall mates told him that this place didn’t have shock therapy at all. Kyle is grateful for that. He can’t imagine being in that type of pain. And Paul, the hall mate, said it had really hurt. After describing it to him, Kyle vows never to agree to anything like that._

_But now he’s learning that he will have punishments and it still worries him. As the days continue, his “okay” place turns to hell. If he’s not eating or sleeping or showering or with Margaret, he’s in a room with one of Dr. Hill’s assistants. They show him pictures of men and sometimes the men are nude. Sometimes his cock twitches at the photo and that’s when the comments started._

_“Kyle! Did you start to get hard? What’s wrong with you?”_

_“You’re worthless. You’re a shame to your parents. You’re going to end up killing them with the embarrassment of your perversions.”_

_“You do realize that men like you molest children, right? You’re going to become a predator. If you don’t get help now, you’re going to hurt kids. Do you want to hurt kids, Kyle?”_

_“Even if you did find a man to engage in your sick shit, there’s nothing about you that’s attractive. Have you looked in the mirror? You’re hideous. It’s because your sin is eating at you from the inside out.”_

_“Is that your dick twitching or did a bug crawl into your pants? Damn, guess we don’t have to worry about you fucking anything with that tiny thing.”_

_Kyle starts to hate himself more and more and by the end of the third day of this, he’s no longer able to look at his reflection. Within a few more days, he’s shoved into a room with someone else, always one of the assistants. They tell him to masturbate and he’s scared, but he tries. He fails the first day to get hard and he’s not allowed to eat dinner. He fails the second day, too, and he is given dinner and then taken to a gym to work out. He’s exhausted afterward and goes to his room to sleep, but is dragged into the room again. He begs them to let him rest, but every time he starts to doze off, a loud alarm blares in the room and terrifies him into wakefulness._

_Finally, the punishment is too much and soon he’s trying harder to masturbate with someone else in the room. Again, he fails, but Dr. Hill takes pity on him and tells the male assistant to apply “direct pressure” to help him. Kyle is grateful at first, hoping this means he never has to force himself to get hard again, but then he is placed on his knees and forced to spread his legs. He’s pushed down to his chest, always with someone putting most of their weight on him so he can’t get up. He hears someone snapping on latex gloves and then he’s told to start masturbating and he does, but hates feeling so exposed. But then someone is moving behind him and he feels latex against his rim. He jumps in surprise and any erection he could have gotten is long gone._

_He remembers the first time. The finger had been pushed in dry and his resulting scream had stopped the procedure cold. A five minute consultation with Hill later, he’s back in the position and this time the gloved finger is cold and slippery. While Kyle whimpers at the intrusion, the finger soon finds a spot inside of Kyle that forces him to moan in want. As the finger rubs against him, his erection becomes impossibly hard and he grips his weeping cock and tries to get off, mostly to get the stranger’s finger out of his body. But then he’s being called names again and he falters. The movement inside of him doesn’t stop and he doesn’t have to touch himself anymore and he cries in pain as he climaxes hard._

_This treatment continues day after day and soon he’s forced to call himself names and then he is allowed to masturbate alone and then shown pictures of women. He is always too far gone to care and climaxes anyway. There are days he doesn’t need the finger up his ass. He tries even more to get an erection to avoid it. But he must do something wrong because they tell him that he should be able to masturbate all the time without a finger helping him along and then starts the insults again. Comments about how he likes things up his ass and that just won’t do at all because a good Christian girl would never dirty herself that way._

_So the enemas start. He’s held down on his side as the tube is forced inside of him. He’s filled with warm fluid until he sobs in pain and begs them to stop. And even then, they go a little bit longer. When he’s full, they plug him. They start telling him how he will learn to hate things in his ass. They tell him he’s sick and twisted and this will teach him to fear anything touching him there again._

_A couple of weeks later, after numerous days of the pain and torment, he walks into the room with the assistants, winks at the woman, and masturbates while standing in front of her, even asking if she’d like to help him out. After another five minute consultation, the permission is given to allow him to prove his healthy mental state but only if the partner is completely willing._

_The female assistant, Emma, says she is more than willing and they are given some privacy. Kyle eats her out like a champ and fucks her, facing her the whole time, even pulling her on top and licking at her breasts until she cries in ecstasy. He calls her baby and sweetheart and beautiful and tells her how much he loves her breasts and her pussy and soon he climaxes hard inside of the condom she’d rolled onto him earlier. He pulls out, shoves his fingers into her and rubs her clit with his thumb until she cries out his name and covers his fingers in her juices. He sucks his fingers clean and then kisses her again._

_He’s released the next day. And then he walks into his parents’ house, packs his things, and never looks back._

“You’re shaking.” Billy whispers softly, keeping the conversation between the two of them. 

Kyle sits up a little and looks at Billy. “I lied to you.”

Billy frowns. “You? You’re like the most honest person I know.”

Kyle licks his lips and tries to calm his nerves. “I don’t know how to tell you this and I can’t… I can’t give you any details. I just wanted you to know…”

Billy takes his face in his hands and kisses his lips gently. “Kyle… baby… I love you.”

Kyle’s eyes widen. “Billy, you know I don’t-“

“I know. I really do. And I still love you. And maybe not the way that love happens in a relationship, but it’s still love. I’d do anything for you. You’re right. We’ll never get to that point where we have each others’ whole hearts, but it’s okay to have a piece, right?”

Kyle smiles softly and nods, pressing his forehead against Billy’s. “I guess that means I love you, too.”

Billy kisses him again, just as softly as before. “Good to know. Now… tell me whatever you want to. You don’t have to tell me all of it.”

Kyle looks into his eyes for a bit and then sighs. “There was more to what happened at that center than I told you. I can’t go into it. Not right now. But I wanted you to know that I lied.”

Billy shakes his head. “It wasn’t a lie. Kyle, you have a right to your privacy, okay? You only talk to me about it when you’re ready. But please know that I’m going to be here for you through all of it, whether we’re together or not.”

“You really mean that, don’t you?”

Billy smiles. “Of course I do. You’re one of my favorite people.”

Kyle kisses him again and then pulls back when Grayson announces they’re here. He hurries out of the car and after Billy to tell the others about the development with Steve.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson barely has the car stopped before Billy is jumping out and Kyle is yelling at him to wait. He watches as they both slam inside as if they’re on fire. And maybe they are. Maybe they’re so worried and so passionate about saving Steve Harrington that they are putting him to shame. Maybe if he cared enough about Morgan, like Billy does about Steve and like Kyle cares about Billy… Maybe… Maybe he wouldn’t have found him in-

And it comes. The image is there and there’s no blinking it away. He sees Morgan. Sees what his suicide did to him. Sees it all. And then there’s nothing else. Thinking of Morgan and what he looked like is always _that_ image. _That_ face. And suddenly he’s crying. He’s wailing and he can’t help the fact that Steve Harrington, a boy he never knew, gave him a glimpse of a reminder. Steve’s face gave him a piece of that back. A tiny bit of the memory of Morgan before… Before Grayson drove him to kill himself if only to avoid their parents’ disappointment and anger. 

And he can’t breathe. And he blinks to see, but he can’t make the spots disappear. He opens the car door and scrambles toward the door before he remembers there are more important things to focus on. Steve needs them now. Grayson can’t do this. He can’t have this. They can’t know who he really is because then they’ll think that he’s only helping to serve his own selfish needs, to get forgiveness from people who don’t know everything. He only wants Morgan’s forgiveness and he’s never going to get it. Morgan will never talk to him again. He’ll never smile at him again. He’ll never beg him to save him again. 

And why would he? Grayson wouldn’t save him then so why would he think he could trust him to save him now? He turns and walks toward the sidewalk, toward the road. He can’t be here. He can’t be near good people. They already hate Billy for harming someone. What are they going to say when they find out that his friend _killed_ someone? They’ll hold it against Billy for bringing a murderer into their homes. So he walks away and hopes that he can control the grief trying to burst free before they see him for who he really is.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Billy rushes into the house and doesn’t seem to care who is there and who isn’t. “Hey! Steve needs our help!”

Everyone rushes him and bombards him with questions until Hopper yells at them to stop. “Okay, hold on. What’s going on right now? What’s got you so freaked out?”

Kyle squeezes Billy’s shoulder. “Take a deep breath. The sooner we tell them what’s going on, the sooner we can help Steve.”

Billy looks at him and nods. “Okay… okay…” He takes at least two deep breaths before he can calm down enough to tell them what he knows. “Someone came to the hospital. A doctor… And he had some paper that said that Steve’s dad can make decisions for him now and he was shipping him off to some mental hospital… GraceBridge! Anyway, they took him out of the hospital and his dad also said no visitors.”

Claudia speaks up. “Let me see what I can find out. I know a few people and someone might know about this GraceBridge place.” She hurries into the kitchen to make some calls. 

Billy watches her go. “Anyway, they took Steve to this place. I’ve never seen Steve so scared before.”

Dustin frowns. “You saw him?”

Billy nods. “Steve agreed to see people.”

As the kids shout about how great that is, Kyle raises his hand to quiet them. “Let him finish because there’s a lot more.”

Billy sees everyone looking at him in anticipation and feels guilty again for stealing so much time from them. “So, we were there at the hospital right after he decided to take visitors.”

Lucas scowls. “Why were you there? You don’t have any right to see him at all.”

“You’re right. I don’t, but I was there and at least I can tell you what he said, okay?” He waits for most of them to give him nods or shrugs to let him continue. “Okay, so the nurse… Marissa… tells me this and I gave her your number here and told her to call you all right away because you all love Steve and you are all the people who should be talking to her about how to care for him and keep him safe after he’s released from the hospital.”

The others seem to relax a bit when they hear Billy admit that they’re more qualified to care for Steve than anyone else. 

“But apparently Marissa was called to the phone before she could call you. When I got to the room, he was restrained but it sounds like maybe that’s just standard procedure. I wanted to take the restraints off, but I didn’t think the nurse would let me live if I did and… when I told Steve that I was afraid of the nurse… he kind of smiled.”

Jonathan rubs a hand over his face. “I can’t imagine that anything could make him smile but I’m glad he’s still in there somewhere. After everything, I figured we’d lost him forever.” He looks at Billy with curiosity. “Did he talk much?”

Billy considers that. “Yeah, a little bit. I told him that he was probably going to end up moving in here and that I’d help with the move. I told him how worried all of you are about him and that I could come back this summer to help him get back in shape for school. But… then he noticed my injuries and he asked what happened to me and I told him that Jonathan beat me up.”

“Hey!” Jonathan rolls his eyes. “Seriously?”

“Did you really want me to go into all the shit my dad pulled?” He wraps his arms around himself then, not wanting to think about that right now. “He, uh… He apologized to me for trying to hurt himself in front of me. He said… he said he doesn’t know who he is anymore.”

Joyce turns into Hopper’s chest and whimpers at the idea that this boy who helped save her family is so lost to himself. 

“I told him that he’s too nice and that I’m a total ass and people will use him because they think he’s weak, but that he’s actually stronger than most people to be… you know, vulnerable… trusting. And he didn’t like that much and I thought I hurt his feelings, but he said that he doesn’t have anyone in his life and I reminded him that he has all of you. But then things got weird…”

Kyle leans forward. “Billy… what do you mean?”

“I didn’t think about it at the time, but… he asked me if I told _them_ that he raped me more than once and I explained that I never said anything like that. I told him that everything I said was a lie, but that wasn’t a lie I told. I made sure he knew that he never hurt me. But I tried to find out who told him this shit, but then… I told him how sorry I was about stealing the scholarship and… and he said he understood because I had to get away from my dad…”

Mike frowns. “What’s so weird about that?”

“Because I’m not sure how he even knew about my dad and how he is. And he called him by his first name. I honestly had no clue that Steve even knew him beyond this whole clusterfuck that I created. It didn’t strike me as odd in the moment, but now I’m really concerned about it. Maybe my dad harassed him after I left. But he said he was happy I got away from him. We talked about the fact that I’ve recently come out as gay. And he asked me… he asked me not to leave. He said he wanted me to stay in Hawkins. And I told him I would.”

Will runs a hand through his hair and wraps an arm around Max. “So how did you go from talking to him in his room to him being taken away?”

“Because that’s when everything went to shit. Marissa was yelling and these guys came in. The doctor guy gave the nurse the papers saying that he could take Steve. I told them that they weren’t taking him and Marissa argued that a judge wouldn’t give them rights, but then the guy said the judge made an exception because Steve’s dad is important.” He clenches his fists. “I got angry… real angry. I told them that his father is a complete dick. But then they pushed to move Steve and I got even more angry.” 

Kyle speaks up. “That’s when Grayson and I got there. He kept his temper in check and told Steve that we’d get him back.”

“I didn’t have a choice.” Billy starts breathing fast again. “Steve… he started to freak out. He said not to take him back. I’m guessing he’s talking about that camp. And I tried to fight the fuckers holding me down, but then they shot Steve up with something.” He shrugs. “That’s about it. They took him.”

Hopper rubs a hand down his face. “Can’t say I’m surprised. Money talks…”

“But I don’t get it! Why would Steve’s dad use his influence to put him in a hospital against his will? I mean… I know how much of a dick he is, but this sucks! That fucking psycho needs to be put in his place. What kind of asshole does that to his own kid?”

Max has her arms crossed over her chest. “One like yours.”

Billy immediately pales and the conversations around them go quiet. Billy doesn’t realize that everything before he saw Steve slams into him until his back is against the wall and Kyle is hovering nearby and Hopper has moved forward, his arm out as if to steady him. He shakes his head as Hopper comes closer. “He’s… I promised him we’d help. So please find him.” He walks past Max to get to his room.

“Billy, I…” She has tears in her eyes and he can tell she’s sorry she said anything at all to remind him of Neil. 

He stops and reaches out toward her and then stops, letting his hand drop. “No. You’re right. Dad is….” He takes a shuddering breath. “Neil is… He’s an asshole. But I think maybe Steve’s is worse. At least Neil didn’t throw me away, right?” He shrugs his shoulders then. “Don’t ever apologize to me, Max. Not for your anger and never for your honesty. And let’s just both be grateful that, on top of everything else he’s dealing with, he doesn’t have to deal with Neil.” He walks into his bedroom and quietly shuts the door. 

Kyle sits down on the couch, his head in his hands and his mind still reeling from the day’s events. He sighs gently as Joyce sits next to him and rubs soothing circles on his back. But her words freeze him. “So… where’s Grayson?”

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Grayson starts to walk, not sure where he’s going and soon he’s not sure where he is. He shivers and then curses himself. He’s not dressed for wandering around Hawkins in the winter. He turns down a sidewalk and frowns because it looks like every other sidewalk. He slows his pace when a car pulls up beside him with two people inside. Women. The window rolls down and a girl around his age smiles at him. “Hey… you’re Billy’s friend, right?”

He nods, even though he’s not sure he should admit it. 

“You look like you could use a ride. Come on, you don’t want to be out here in the cold. It’s warmer in the car.”

Grayson shivers again. “Yeah, um… do you know where the Hendersons live? I got kind of turned around.”

The girl smiles. “Absolutely! I’ve known them for years.” 

Grayson breathes a sigh of relief. “Thanks. I really appreciate this.”

As the car starts up and heads out to a main road, Grayson frowns. He’s pretty sure he hadn’t left the neighborhood, but maybe he had gotten turned around more than he thought and this is just a quicker way. 

But then the girl turns around and she looks serious, more serious than she should be with a guy who is friends with the same people she’s friends with. “Hey… we just want to tell you the truth, okay?”

Grayson shakes his head, trying to understand what’s happening here. “Truth? Wait… who are you?”

The girl takes a deep breath. “My name is Nancy.” She glances at the driver, whose face had been pretty obscured by the fashionable scarf she was wearing over her hair and then back at Grayson. “You remember my mother…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary: Kyle thinks back to what happened at the conversion center, including two forms of abuse that he didn't share with Grayson and Billy. Billy holds Kyle throughout the trip to the Hendersons and they share some sweet comments. 
> 
> Billy tells The Party what happened with Steve. Reaction is low as most of it will take place in thoughts in the next chapter. 
> 
> Grayson has a panic attack because of his memories of his brother and the misplaced blame he carries for his death. He takes a walk, gets lost, and gets picked up by Nancy and her mom.


	35. Stalking prey - Karen Wheeler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karen Wheeler is an evil bitch (in this story) and wants what she wants, whether she destroys others or not.
> 
> TW: Talk of suicide, some non-con touching, kidnapping kinda sorta. Mind the tags for the story because honestly, you should start to expect awful things in every chapter. It would be a lot easier to make note of the chapters where there ISN'T bad stuff happening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told someone there would be no Karen/Grayson, but... it's not really a lot. It's just some weird shit that you would expect from a woman who thinks it's okay to come on to underage boys. Granted, Grayson isn't underage here but this interaction is not about his age as much as it's about his vulerability. I don't know how many of you like Grayson, but be prepared to become crazy protectors in this chapter and maybe the next one or two. And you will probably be joined in that by some characters. ;)

Grayson feels the blood rush from his face. “Let me out of the car.”

Nancy sighs. “Okay, look… that’s fine, but will you please just listen? Just for five minutes, okay?”

Grayson stares at her and tries to think of a reason to say no, but he’s always prided himself on giving people at least one chance. After all, if Billy can work hard to change then maybe this woman can, too. He’s also certain that he’s not in the right frame of mind at all to know what the best decision is so he figures listening isn’t the worst thing. He nods. “Five minutes.”

Karen drives a bit longer and then pulls over and stops the car basically in the middle of nowhere. She turns around and studies him and then gets out of the car. Nancy looks confused. When her mother asked her to go for a drive with her so she didn’t upset Holly, she figured that was best. But when they’d seen Grayson, her mother pointed him out and asked if he was a friend of Billy’s. Nancy wasn’t sure, but her mother had pulled over and told her to ask because she really wanted to tell him the truth about what happened and why she made the choices she made. Nancy was curious about this, also, and decided that she had to do what she could in order to feel as if she wasn’t turning her back on her mother. But now they’re sitting in the car and her mother is leaving and Nancy isn’t sure what to do.

When Karen opens the back door and gets in beside Grayson, Nancy’s frown deepens. “Mom… what are you-“

Karen holds up her hand for silence and looks at Grayson, who has backed up against the door. “I’m sorry, honey. I don’t remember your name.”

Grayson feels his skin crawl a bit when she calls him ‘honey.’ “It’s Grayson, ma’am.” His manners are firmly in place, especially when his nerves are frayed. He already feels awful and off balance and this isn’t helping matters. 

“Okay, Grayson. You can call me Karen, alright?” She smiles gently. “Look. Please. I need you to understand. I’m a good mother and I’m a good wife. I stayed with a man who never looked at me as if I was anything more than a housekeeper. So yes, I had some… dalliances with others. I was lonely and that was it. I didn’t throw myself at anyone. If someone wasn’t interested, I backed off.”

“But you didn’t. Not with Steve.” He tries to pull himself away from the door, but he can’t get over the idea that he’s sitting in very close proximity to someone who is a predator in her own rights. 

“I don’t know what he’s talking about. I mentioned once that he was good looking. That was it. He’s not very intelligent. I’m sure he didn’t understand.”

“Mom!” Nancy shakes her head. “Steve’s not that stupid.”

Karen glares at Nancy. “You’re the one who brought him into our lives. Let’s face it. You liked his money. There isn’t one useful characteristic that he has other than his wealth.”

“Why are you being so cruel?” Nancy starts to cry, completely stunned by her mother's attitude. “I’m… I’m angry, but I don’t hate him.”

Grayson crosses his arms over his chest, uncomfortable with the two women. “Look… this seems like a conversation that you two need to have privately.”

“No, please… I’m sorry. I want to focus on you and telling you what really happened.” Karen sighs and then leans forward and takes his hand. “Grayson, please… please listen to me.”

He glances down where her hand is gripping his and he feels a shiver run through him. Apparently she does, too, because her eyes shift suddenly as he looks back up at her. “I’m listening.” He thinks of Billy and how he’s starting to wonder exactly how he managed to flirt with this woman who is looking at him like he’s a piece of meat. 

She glances over at Nancy. “Hon, I really need to talk to him about this alone. Do you think you can take a little walk?”

Nancy rolls her eyes. “Mom, _I_ want to hear this, too.”

Karen gives her a pointed look. “Nancy, I am your mother and I’m telling you that this is private. Please don’t argue with me.”

Nancy purses her lips. “Fine.” She gets out of the car, clearly angry. "But we're talking about this later..." She slams the door and walks quickly away. 

Karen smiles at him again and Grayson suddenly feels very much like Nancy leaving was a mistake because the smile doesn’t seem genuine at all. 

“Now… Grayson, I know that you’ve heard some things. Regardless of the mistakes I’ve made, I didn’t do anything with malicious intent. Billy and I had a flirtation, but that’s it. He never attempted to do anything else and I enjoyed the attention, but nothing more happened. And Steve was the same. It was all innocent flirtation. Mike was right about my affairs. I’m not proud of it. But I wanted to be wanted. I guess that sounds dumb to you, but I felt very alone and very undesirable.” She shrugs a shoulder. “Maybe you don’t get it.”

Grayson squirms a bit in his seat. “I’m… I’m sorry you felt that way. But I can’t really do anything to help-“

“Yes, you can. You can explain to Billy that it’s important for Holly that I’m home with her."

He shakes his head. “No, Billy makes his own decisions and that’s not one of them he has any say over. You need to talk to your husband about seeing your daughter. I’m sure Billy cares about Holly and what she thinks of you. It’s why he sent her downstairs while he talked to your husband.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to beat back the rising panic that never truly subsided from earlier, before opening them again. “There’s really nothing I can do for you.” She lets go of his hand and turns away, supposedly crying. She takes a few heaving breaths and Grayson looks out of the window uncomfortably for Nancy, but sees nobody. “I’m sorry, okay? But I don’t have any influence here. And, like I told you, it’s _really_ up to your husband whether or not you see Holly.”

She shrugs. “I have nothing to live for anymore. I just thought you could help… that you’d want to. I guess I was wrong. And here I thought you were one of the good guys.”

Grayson looks down at his hand and tries to rid himself of the image of his brother begging him to help without involving their parents. “Look, you have a lot to live for so don’t do anything stupid, okay?” His voice trembles.

Karen turns to look at him and takes his hand again. _Gotcha._ “You’re so kind, Grayson. I knew you would understand.” 

Again, Grayson feels as if he’s being sized up by a predator and his anxiety continues to get worse. The effects of the earlier panic attack haven’t completely let go yet and now it starts to surge into new life. “I don’t know if I understand or not, but you can’t kill yourself, okay? Your family won’t handle that at all and you have no idea the mess you’ll leave behind.” He curses to himself as he sees his hand start shaking more and more. _I can’t save anyone. Why do I bother?_

Karen frowns and reaches out, but inside she decides to poke at this wound a bit more. He doesn’t even know that he’s started crying again until her thumb brushes his cheek and spreads the wetness. “Oh… shhh…. It’s okay, baby.”

He shakes his head. “No… Shit.” He pulls his hand from hers and presses the heels of his hands into his eyes gently. “Shit shit shit….”

“Grayson, you’re clearly upset. Please… let me help, okay?” She reaches out again and rubs his shoulder gently. 

Grayson chokes back a sob. “I can’t… I can’t breathe.” He barely acknowledges the woman in the car with him as he only has room for his own fears, which threaten to choke him with their strength. “I have to… I have to get out of here.” He looks around but is unseeing as black spots dance in front of his vision. “Please…” He whimpers. 

“Come here, sweetheart… I’ll make it better.”

“No!” He reaches behind him, trying to find the door handle. “No, please… I have to get back. I have to make sure Billy’s okay and Kyle… he’s upset.” He whimpers again. “We’ll go together so they can help watch over you.”

“Grayson, I don’t want their help.” _Oh he's so scared... he'll do anything I want if I can just figure out how to break him... And how to break Billy_ with _him._

“I can’t…” He backs away and continues to fumble behind him for the door. 

She goes in for the kill, needing him to stay with her and listen. “If you leave me… I’ll die.”

He finds the handle then and yanks it, falling out of the car. He groans as he slaps the back of his head against something hard. He scrambles up and winces. “You can’t… you can’t do this. I won’t leave you. Please don’t… don’t do something… that…” He can’t catch his breath at all now. “I’m so sorry. I can’t… I can’t save you. I can’t save _anyone._ ”

Nancy chooses that time to come back. She jogs over and frowns. “Grayson? What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Just… just take me to Dustin’s. Please, just take me to Dustin’s.” He starts to sob and Nancy looks up at Karen and glares. 

Karen frowns and gets out of the back of the car. “I’m not going back there. I’m sure your friends will be along soon.”

“Mom!”

“Nancy, get in the car!”

“No… No, we’re not leaving him here. We can at least take him back where we picked him up.”

Karen considers for a moment and then sighs. Maybe Nancy didn't fuck _everything_ up yet. “Fine. But you drive. Grayson and I are going to continue our chat.”

Nancy bites her lower lip and then walks over and gets in the driver’s seat and waits while her mother talks to Grayson. She figures it's better than leaving the boy on the side of a road in a place where he's a stranger and can easily get lost. 

Karen squats down near him. “Grayson, we’ll take you close to Dustin’s house now. I can’t go too near it because Billy and the others will attack me with their accusations.” She studies him. “Get in the car and I’ll show you that I don’t force myself on people. I’ll prove it to you.”

Grayson shivers, the idea that he has to save her, save Billy, save Morgan, save Kyle, wrapped up into one huge weight upon his shoulders. “You can’t kill yourself, okay? Not over this. Not over anything. You can’t.”

“If you come with us and let me show you…. I won’t. Not today.”

Grayson stares at her. “Please don’t kill yourself.” He chokes back a sob, emotionally destroyed after the amount of anxiety that he’s had already today. 

Karen stands and takes his hand. “Let’s go.” She pulls him up and pushes him toward the open door. She crawls in after him and sits close. “Okay, Nancy, we’re in.” 

As Nancy starts the car, Karen leans forward. “Turn the radio up, dear. I don’t need you hearing my business."

Nancy rolls her eyes and does as she’s told, but she makes a mental note to talk with Jonathan later about her mother’s behavior and if he was honest with her about never showing an interest in the older woman. After all, her mother seems to get any guy she wants and maybe that did include Steve and Jonathan. She glances in the rearview mirror and sees her mother pull Grayson to her and talk softly to him. She wonders, again, if maybe her mother was right. Maybe these boys and men do fall too easily under her spell since he seems to go willingly to her. Her mother is blonde and curvy where Nancy has always been plain and flat. 

She keeps her eyes on the road now, hearing the whispers behind her and anger boiling inside of her as she considers Steve and the fact that he never told her about any of this while they were together, or afterward. She starts to wonder if he didn’t tell her to protect her or if he didn’t tell her because he was ashamed of his own desire, his own want for his girlfriend’s mother. 

“You know, I don’t get this. Everything would be fine if people would just practice what they preach. Jonathan is all about being nice to everyone and he was even nice to Steve after the whole camera thing. And then he acts like they’re all buddy buddy and I know that’s not true. There’s no way Steve got over me that fast. But I took him back and he wasn’t even grateful. Not really. I just don’t think I can be blamed for telling him the truth at Halloween. He was acting impossible. I saw his college essays. He needed my help, but he didn’t appreciate me, not really. And then he fights with Billy all the time and that was dumb, too. Seriously, I was dating the most popular guy in school and then he fucks it all up because he says he doesn’t care about that shit anymore. He wouldn’t even fight Billy for the keg king record because he said Billy Hargrove could have it. He said I taught him to care about ‘more important things.’” She shakes her head in disgust. “But then he just had to go and get into fights with Billy, of all people. I don’t get it. The amount of energy he put into hating Billy was probably more effort than he put into loving me enough to keep his status at that school. I barely survived with my own popularity in tact. And I loved Barb so much. I can’t believe he did this to me and left my popularity hinging on the fact that my best friend had died. That’s so _sick!_ And then Billy has to tell people what Steve did to him. I mean okay, fine… so he’s gay. So what? It’s not like that’s a bad thing but why tell everyone that he tried to touch you? It’s not that big of a deal and we already know that Billy can kick Steve’s ass. I mean who _can’t_ kick his ass? But still… now we’re all dealing with the fucking fallout.”

“Nancy, enough!” Karen’s voice breaks through his fog a bit. “Grayson wants to go back to my hotel room so can you get us there?”

“What?! No! Ew, mom! That’s disgusting! He’s the same age as me!” 

“First of all, you have a filthy mind. We're just going to talk. Second, if that was the idea, we’re both adults! Anyway, he’s willing to listen and really help me prove that I’m not some sort of monster! You want our family back together again, don’t you?”

“And you think that this guy wanders into town and will talk to dad and that's how it's going to work?"

"No, but he'll talk to Billy and he'll set things straight. Nancy... baby, I need you to do this for me. Please... For Holly?"

Nancy frowns, the thought of her baby sister not having her mother to hold her tight causing her heart to break a little more. "I mean... I guess, but you'll have to take him back. I'm taking my car and going back to dad's."

Karen sighs. “Fine… I don’t really care.” 

Nancy wars with herself for awhile and finally pulls over into the nearly empty parking lot of a hotel on the outskirts of town, frequented by travelers on their way through. But with Christmas Eve tomorrow, everyone has pretty much reached their destination already, making the hotel obsolete. “There… Okay, I’ll see you later. I love you, mom.” She gives the keys to her mother and scrambles out to get into her own car. She drives away, but there's something bothering her and she can't figure out what it is. After a bit more driving around in circles, she goes home. She catches Holly in her arms as the little girl runs to her. "Hey sweetheart."

"Nancy! Santa is coming soon."

Nancy nods. "I know, baby. Are you excited for Christmas?"

Holly shrugs. "I miss mommy."

Nancy looks over at her father. "Dad..."

The man sighs. "Yeah... yeah, Holly... Mommy is going to be here for Christmas, alright?"

"Yay! Can I tell Mike?" Holly hugs Nancy tight before asking to be let down. 

Ted nods. "When he gets home, yeah."

Nancy frowns as the little girl runs off to play. "He's not home yet?"

"No, just got a call from him. Their friend... Grayson... is missing. I guess they're all pretty worried. Mike's heading out with Chief Hopper to look and I'm supposed to call if I see him. I honestly don't really remember him, but I figure if I see a stranger with dark hair who is about your age, I'm most likely going to call. You know him?"

She nervously rubs her hands on her jeans. "Yeah... yeah, I do." She takes a deep breath. "Where did Mike say to call?" Once her father confirms they are all over at Claudia's, she picks up the phone, dials and waits.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Kyle shoots up and looks around. He runs outside and walks down the driveway and looks both ways down the road. He jogs back in and to the bedroom where Billy is. He doesn’t bother to knock. He opens the door and walks right in. 

“Hey! Kyle, what the-“

“Grayson… did he come in with us?”

Billy frowns. “Um… I mean I don’t know. We were all coming in to tell everyone about Steve…”

“Yeah, but did he walk in with us?”

Max comes in to hover in the doorway. “What’s going on?”

Kyle glances at her. “We can’t find Grayson.” He sits on the edge of the bed. “Fuck… Okay, we need to find him now.”

Hopper stands behind Max. “Okay, let’s all just calm down.”

Kyle shakes his head. “Calm down? You’re kidding, right? Grayson isn’t outside. He doesn’t know the area. Between Karen Wheeler and Neil Hargrove and the people who snatched Steve in front of us, I’m kind of freaking out. Not to mention, I’ve heard that some weird shit goes down in this area and I don’t know what that’s about, but…”

“But Grayson is a stranger here…” Hopper frowns. “Okay, alright, we need to go.” He goes out to the other room. “Lucas and Mike, call your parents and have them look out for Grayson and call here if they see him.” He goes over to Claudia when she hangs up the phone. “I know you’re looking for information on GraceBridge, but can you keep the line clear for now? Hopefully Grayson will come back here or call here. If he does, call the station and they’ll get in touch with me.”

Billy, Kyle, and Max join the group in the living room and Joyce goes over to Kyle and Billy and rubs their shoulders comfortingly. “We’ll find him.”

“Jonathan, take Max and Lucas and get out to the woods. If you see something, contact me. Don’t get into something on your own. Joyce, why don’t you and Will drive around downtown and see if you notice him anywhere. Maybe ask a few people to keep a lookout and call the station if they need to. Kyle, Dustin can take you to the schools in the area to look around. Jane, you and Billy go to the quarry.” He gives her a pointed look and she nods. He looks at Mike as he comes back from calling his father. “Okay, kid. You and I are heading to the Hargrove house.”

“What? No!” Billy is suddenly very aware of the plans of the others. “You can’t take him over there.”

Mike frowns. “I can handle myself. I’m not afraid of him.”

Hopper walks closer to Billy. “Son… I know that it’s scary, but I’m going to be there and he’s not going in the house. I’m having him look around outside. Anywhere you can think to help him know where to look?”

Billy thinks a moment and then nods. “There’s a storm cellar. I don’t know what the deal is, but he won’t let anyone down there. I found an entrance out back and it’s easy to open, but I was always scared of what would happen if he found out I was snooping. It’s to the side of the back door. You can’t miss it. And there’s a shed out back, but it’s falling apart and is usually open. If it’s locked, that’s when I’d be nervous.”

Hopper nods. “Okay. Mike, get in the truck and we’ll head out. Claudia, we’ll be in touch.” He heads out to join Mike.

Joyce motions to Will and they head out, as do Jonathan, Lucas, and Max. Dustin and El stand at the doorway, waiting for Billy and Kyle, but then Kyle lunges forward and kisses Billy as if his life depends on it. Billy holds onto him and leans his forehead against the other boy’s. Kyle whines a bit. “I can’t lose him.”

Billy nods. “I know. I can’t, either. It’s going to be alright.” He kisses Kyle again and then pushes him gently toward Dustin, his hand on his lower back. “Go to the school. Look around. I’m sure he just went to the store or something.”

Kyle frowns. “The car is still here.”

Billy’s brow furrows. “Okay, I’m worried.”

Eleven nudges Billy’s shoulder. “Let’s go.” 

They all head out, Dustin giving his mother a quick kiss before they leave, ignoring the dread that’s settled in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... DUN DUN DUN....
> 
> Off to finish the next chapter. :) Hopefully it can be up tonight. We shall see....


	36. The Search Party - Where's Grayson?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone is looking for Grayson and they have a chance to talk about some issues and make some discoveries: some pleasant, some heartbreaking, and some terrifying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't get a lot of feedback for the last chapter and there's a part of me (the insecure part) that makes me think that maybe I'm losing people or I'm using my OCs too much. I am using them a lot, but only to set some things up for later. But as much as I love them, It's totally fine to tell me to knock it off and I can toss an Original Work in. I just wanted some different perspectives and to make it a bit more multi-dimensional. :) Anyway, hope you enjoy this chapter. Working up to the conclusion for Part II is tough, but rewarding for me.

The Search Party - Claudia and Nancy

Claudia looks down at the piece of paper she was writing on. GraceBridge seems to be on the up and up. She hadn’t gotten a chance to tell the others that before everything exploded in activity. She sits down on the couch and thinks, not for the first time, that she’d prefer being with Ted right now. He’s a quiet man, but an incredibly smart man. Although he looks lazy or uninterested on the outside, he’s the type of guy who will work himself into a long nap if only to make sure his family is provided for and he assumes that means they know that they’re loved. 

Claudia had started out trying to comfort and trying to heal the other man. She wanted to see the marriage that he devoted so much of his time to, heal and flourish. But Ted wasn’t interested. He was a good man, but he didn’t take kindly to being taken advantage of. It had taken a lot of conversations to get past the anger and into the pain and heartbreak that he was feeling. They were able to share their feelings of loneliness and their friendship grew. Within a very short time, they became each others’ confidantes. Claudia had been very clear with Ted, though. She’s not a rebound girl and she’s not about to deny herself some pleasures in life. The sex is new and he started telling her about how he is a hypocrite and she shut it down. She said that he can fuck her, but he can’t use her as a weapon against Karen. She also told him that sex was for the pleasure and nothing else. She refuses to fall in love with a married man. 

He respects her for that and their relationship is fun and uncomplicated and gives each someone who comforts and supports without question. And now she is sitting in her home, alone, and wishing he was there with her. She can admit to herself that she adores Holly and wouldn’t be overly upset if she was allowed to be in the little girl’s life for awhile. She likes that Mike and Dustin are already close. She’s not sure how to feel about Nancy. Listening to Ted, she seems to be a bit like her mother. But she’s sure that a lot of it is just teenage hormones. After all, Steve and Jonathan have both loved her and that has to stand for something. 

Much later, when she’s listened on the walkie to the different groups reporting in, her phone rings and she answers it quickly. “Hello? Grayson?”

There is silence for a moment and then she swears she hears a quick exhale. 

“Grayson? Please honey… is that you? We’re all so worried.”

“No… No, sorry. It’s not Grayson. It’s Nancy.”

Claudia takes a deep breath. “Nancy… are you alright? Are your father and Holly alright?”

“Yes, they’re fine.”

“I’m sorry, Nancy. I have to keep this line free. Mike isn’t here right now, but I-“

“I know where Grayson is.”

Claudia pulls the phone away from her ear and stares at it. She wants to ask the girl why she didn’t lead with that, but knows there’s no time for any wasted words from either one of them. “Where?”

She names the hotel. “I’ll go get him and bring him to you. Just… don’t tell anyone. There’s no need to get him in trouble.”

“Get… Wait, why would he get in trouble?” She’s worried that Grayson didn’t want to stay with her and thought he would be offending her. She can’t blame him for wanting some privacy. 

“Because of what he’s doing. Look, I was there. She didn’t force him into anything. Maybe this just proves that she’s telling the truth! She’s being nice to these guys and they only want one thing from her. So she gives that one thing to them? So what? She’s not some sort of serial child molester or whatever it is you all think she-“

“Nancy!” Claudia tries to slow her racing heart. “Oh my God… is… is he with your mother?”

Again there is silence. 

“ _Nancy!_ ”

“Yes! Yes… they’re together. She didn’t force anything.”

Claudia hangs up, unable to hear any more from the girl without feeling the need to tell her just what she thinks of her mother. She picks up the walkie. “Hey, I know where Grayson is!” She tells them all the hotel and explains she doesn’t know the room number, but knows that Nancy is on her way to get Grayson out before her mother can get into trouble. As she hears the others swear and yell messages back and forth, she takes comfort in knowing that Grayson is going to be back in her house by the end of the day. She calls Lucas’ family and warns them that this could be bad and urges them to consider how they want to try to keep the kids together through all of this. She hangs up and goes into the bathroom. She jumps in the shower and cries for the misery that so many children face in this community while the adults walk around oblivious to all of it. She starts to get some things ready in the house and vows to never assume her son is alright again and decides that she’s going to push Ted into being a much more present father, regardless of his desire to work hard enough to meet all of their material needs.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Search Party - Jonathan Max and Lucas

Jonathan glances in the backseat and sees Lucas holding Max close. He chooses not to disturb them since they’ve all been through hell and maybe this will keep the pain of their reality away from them for a little while longer. He wants to think about Steve, but knows there isn’t a lot they can do right now. Currently, their focus has to be on Grayson. He’s been quiet, lost in his thoughts on everything that’s been going on. He’s not happy with Billy and he’s still not sure he even _can_ like him in this lifetime, but he knows that the changes that have happened have been because of Grayson and Kyle. He has to give them credit. Anyone who can be a good influence on a fuck up like Billy Hargrove must be pretty cool. 

When he gets to a good spot, he pulls over and turns around. “Hey, you alright?”

Max looks up at him and shakes her head. “I shouldn’t have said it.”

Jonathan frowns. “Said what?”

“About Billy’s dad… about Neil. I shouldn’t have said it. Not after what he did.” She sniffles. “If Grayson and Kyle hadn’t gotten there… do you think Neil would have-“

“They _did_ get there, Max. They got there and they saved Billy.”

Lucas frowns. “ _Did_ they? I mean… I know that Neil didn’t do… a lot, but still… that’s his dad. If my dad even looked at me weird, I’d be messed up for life. So what _his_ dad did….” 

Jonathan sighs and turns around to get out of the car. “Yeah… Yeah, I guess you’re right.” He slams his car door and waits for the two kids. He gets a crowbar out of the trunk and gives it to Max, before taking Steve’s bat out. He sighs softly. “At least this is still waiting here for Steve when he gets back.”

Lucas palms his slingshot to make sure it’s snug in his back pocket and frowns. “Let’s just hope he doesn’t need it.”

The three search through the woods and are getting worried with the lack of news when Claudia’s voice crackles through. 

“Hey, I know where Grayson is!”

Jonathan responds first. “Where?”

She gives the name of the hotel. “I don’t have a room number, though.”

Jonathan listens to the conversation that takes place with the others and freezes when he hears what else Claudia knows about Grayson’s whereabouts. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Search Party – Dustin and Kyle

Dustin stands by the car, his arms crossed over his chest and watches as Kyle paces back and forth for a few minutes. He finally takes pity on the boy. 

“Hey, uh… we could just go back to my place and wait.”

Kyle shakes his head. “No! This is so fucking stupid! This town isn’t that big. How hard can it be to find a guy here?”

Dustin thinks about that. “I mean… Will was missing for months and Barb’s body was never found. So it’s probably…” His voice trails off as he meets Kyle’s panicked gaze. “Sorry. It’s not… I mean that had something to do with… Look, Grayson isn’t in danger. He probably just… needed a minute.”

“No, he deserves more than a minute. Billy and I were… I mean we weren’t paying attention to him. We should have been. I don’t know what was wrong, but something was off. I thought maybe it was just me.”

Dustin motions Kyle to get in the car. “Come on, man. It’s cold and you need to sit before you fall over. You look like shit.” 

Kyle stares at the boy for a bit and then crawls back into the car. “I really look like shit?”

“Yeah, you really look like shit. Who cares? Look, why were you so worried about Grayson? I mean you two kind of saved the day, right?”

Kyle shrugs. “I guess. We were trying to comfort Billy, but then things got a little… Um.. .this whole thing with GraceBridge, the hospital and stuff… It just brought up some stuff for me and we’ve all been through the wringer and I guess I got too caught up in my-“

“Okay, I’m gonna stop you right there. I don’t know you really well, but I do know that Billy Hargrove isn’t a complete asshole anymore and you and Grayson clearly have a lot to do with that. So… you can’t be on top of everything all the time. Who can? It’s not important right now. We just have to find Grayson. Everything else can wait.”

Kyle smiles gently. “Yeah… I guess you’re right. I-“ He stops as Claudia and Jonathan come over the walkie. He goes to grab the device, but Dustin gets to it first. 

“What the hell, ma? Did you tell her she can go to hell?” He rolls his eyes when she mentions his language. “Okay, but why is he at a hotel?”

Her answer chills him to the bone and he can tell from the stumble backward that Kyle takes, that he’s not doing much better. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Search Party – Joyce and Will

Joyce drives slowly around the downtown area and glances at Will once in awhile as they get to a stop sign or if they wait for someone to cross the street. She clears her throat once or twice, but then doesn’t know what to say when he doesn’t respond. They’ve talked about things a few times, but she’s not sure that all is forgiven. She finally sighs. “Will…”

“Don’t.”

Joyce frowns and pulls the car over and turns to look at him. “Will, we need to talk.”

“About what?” He picks at a thread on his jacket. 

“About Steve, Billy… all of this mess and how you’re still angry with me.”

“I’m not angry.” He glances up at her and sees the disbelieving look on her face. “I mean… I’m not as angry as I _used_ to be.”

Joyce nods. “Okay, fair enough. I know that you’re still upset that I made you stop seeing Steve. But honey, he wanted that for you once he found out about the bullies. I told you that.”

“Yeah, I told you that it should have been _my_ choice. Not yours and not Steve’s. He’s my friend and if I wanted to deal with bullies, that’s my business. He was worth it to me, mom. He’s still worth it. But he doesn’t think so. And yeah, I’m angry. I’m angry that you _let_ him push away from the rest of us. He left, mom. Everyone had their reasons for why they wanted him in their lives and none of us got the choice. You took that from us. All of you did. You act like we haven’t been through hell already. You have _no_ idea what it was like for me. None. And I heard how he stayed the night that Jonathan and Nancy were attacked in the house. He _stayed_ to help. And he worked to make sure that you could reach me when my head was filled with that thing. And he bought Jonathan a new camera and spent Christmas with us and he took care of Dustin and he defended Lucas and he included Max and jumped in front of her when she was in danger. When we couldn’t bait the demodogs with the meat, Steve went out as a way to tempt them… he was trying to get them to attack so we could help El. And he never held what happened with Nancy against Mike and he puts up with how Mike treated him because Mike really really likes Steve, even if he pretends he doesn’t. And Steve knows that. He knows that because he’s smart and he pays attention to us. He drives us everywhere and mom…when we went into those tunnels… I know that you already know, but I need you to _hear_ this. He pushed everyone behind him and went first. He kept everyone safe and he insisted on getting all of them out before he’d come up. What sucks… is that there wouldn’t have been time and he knew that. He tried so hard to get Dustin out, but he couldn’t. But he got everyone else out. And yeah, you’d do the same thing for me and Jonathan, but we’re your kids. Steve’s a kid, too, and he did that for all of us and we’re not his children. I don’t know… I just think that makes him even _more_ amazing. And you… you let him go.”

Joyce leans back and doesn’t stop the tears pouring down her face. She really hasn’t had time to work on this with Will. He’s been so good with her, but she knows the resentment lingers. She used to think it was just something residual, but she’s getting a really good idea at just how deep this hurt goes. “Will… I’m so… I’m so sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have let Steve make that choice to back away. I should have done for him what he did for all of you. I should have fought for him.”

“And you should have trusted me to know what I could handle. I would rather have everyone in that school bully me than lose Steve. He keeps me safe and that was nice. He made things better.”

She nods. “I get it. I do. I’ll remember… you can make your own decisions. I’m still your mom and I’m still gonna-“

“I know. I do and I love you for that. And I know you love me, but maybe you can love Steve a little more, too.”

Joyce is about to answer when the walkie goes off. She and Will both roll their eyes as Dustin swears and is corrected, but then they hear Claudia explain more. Joyce doesn’t wait and she doesn’t bother responding. She hands the walkie to Will and takes off, hoping to get to the hotel before anything happens that can hurt the boy more than he’s probably already been hurt. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Search Party – Hopper and Mike

Hopper knocks on the door and tries to hold his temper as the door opens to reveal Neil looking a little worse for wear. Hopper tries to look past him into the house, but isn’t able to see much. “Mr. Hargrove.”

Neil nods slightly. “Chief. Something I can do for you?”

“Looking for a kid. Friend of your son’s. I think he picked up Billy here this morning.”

“Yeah, there were two boys. Haven’t seen them since then. You know… when I was assaulted.”

Hopper clenches his fists. “Oh?”

“The fair haired one threatened me. I don’t know what Billy has been telling all of you, but he’s always been so damn willful.”

“Is that why you rubbed your dick on him?” Hopper mentally kicks himself. He knows he shouldn’t have said anything. He knows it, but he can’t stand here and look at his smug as fuck face and not confront him. 

“Is that what he said?” He smirks. “Wow, I guess that makes sense. You’d better watch yourself, Chief. You might be next.”

Hopper frowns and shakes his head. “What the fuck does that mean?”

“Well, he claimed that Steve Harrington touched him and now he’s saying he made it all up. Now he’s saying the same thing about me. Once he’s tired of lying about me, maybe he’ll move on to you.”

Hopper takes a deep breath and then another one. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I don’t know why you’d lust after your own kid. If there is any way I can get Billy to press charges, I will. If not, I’ll probably stop by when you don’t expect it. Do you get how special it is to be a father, to have a child...? What kind of person willingly throws that away?” He takes a step back. “You see that kid, you call the station. I find out you knew where he was and didn’t tell me, you and I are gonna have a problem.”

Neil laughs. “Tell you what, Chief. How about I won’t come near Billy again and you can bend him over as often as you-“

Neil doesn’t finish as the smirk is wiped off his face by a solid punch by Jim. He looks down on the man and curses at himself for losing his temper. He closes the door and heads to the back where he knows Mike has been snooping around. He whispers down the open cellar entrance and hears nothing. He finally walks down carefully, hoping that Neil is still out cold for awhile longer. 

“Mike! You down here?” Even his whisper sounds like a bomb blast in the crypt like silence of the cellar. “Hey kid… come on, we don’t have long to-“ He stops when he sees Mike standing in front of a door, staring at it. “Kid?” He places his hand on Mike’s shoulder and jumps a little as the boy flinches. “I… I didn’t know…” He shakes his head. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“Okay, what’s going on?”

Mike places the palm of his hand against the door. “I found it and I thought… I figured it would be locked, but it wasn’t and I walked in and…” He puts his hand to his mouth. “I didn’t think…”

Hopper’s eyes widen because he’s never seen Mike so rattled and he’s also starting to panic that he’s going to find Grayson’s body in there. He pushes Mike gently back. “Okay, I’m going to go in, alright? You can stay out here.”

Mike shakes his head. “No, I don’t… I don’t want to be alone.”

Jim nods. “Alright, kid… alright. Stay close.” He unsnaps his holster and prepares himself for the worst. He opens the door and sees that it is still lit up, as if Mike had left without bothering to hide his presence there if Neil had come down later. He’s about to scold Mike for being careless when his eyes sweep the room. He freezes in place and tries to make sense of what he’s seeing. He looks down at Mike. “Did you get a good look at all of this?”

Mike shakes his head. “No, but I saw enough…” He points over to a corner where there are a lot of pictures marked up. 

Jim walks over and sees why it scared Mike so much. There is a picture of Lucas, taken from a distance, but it’s not so far off that he’s a blur. Someone had drawn a noose around his neck and blackened his eyes. It’s far more disturbing than Jim wants to think about. There are a few pictures of Billy sleeping, one clearly showing that whoever is holding the camera is jerking off to the sight. He knows that there is no way Billy slept through the sounds or the flash of the camera and he clenches his fists, ready to pound Neil's skull in. He decides to wait on going through the rest of the pictures and instead looks around at some of the other things in the room. There are blades, some wicked looking ones and Jim’s not sure what use they have other than to gut someone or make someone suffer. There are some mementos from Neil’s time in the service and that makes him a little sick to think that good men fought and died alongside this monster, who lived. 

There are plenty of items of racist propaganda and some anti-gay information. There are one or two sexist pieces of literature. But when he starts shuffling things carefully around, now using the pen in his pocket instead of his bare hands, he finds some pictures and writings that betray Neil’s interests. He motions for Mike to back up and then nearly gags when he gets a full view of everything in the pile. He’s about to tell Mike that they need to get out of there before Neil finds them when there is a loud bang from nearby. Hopper shoves Mike aside to get to the source and finds the cellar door closed. He shoves at the door a few times and, while it does give a little, it’s not going to budge anytime soon. He growls and hits the door with his shoulder again. 

Mike sits down in the corner and brings his knees up to his chest. “Did he really want to kill Lucas? Did he really... watch Billy sleep and do _that?_ ” 

Hopper sighs, hating that the kid is so spooked. Mike's strong so getting him to this point isn't easy. “I… I don’t know, Mike. I think he’s just the type of guy who likes to spread hate and keep secrets... sick secrets. But right now, we can’t worry about that. We have to get out of here. Clearly Grayson isn’t here, but I never got a look inside the house.” 

That catches Mike’s attention and he works with Hopper to try and get out. It takes a few tries and a lot of swearing, but they finally get the door open enough that they can wedge the gun through. Hopper tells Mike to back up again and shoots at the padlock that Neil had used to chain the door shut. He feels the telltale echo in his brain of a pending headache from the sound and how close he was to it, but none of that matters when he pushes through the door to hear a car tear out of the driveway. He runs toward the driveway but Neil’s car is already gone. He leans over, his hands on his knees as Mike comes over and they listen to the conversation. 

Mike is growing paler by the second. The fact that Nancy knows where he is disturbs him enough. But then he looks at Hopper in confusion. “Why’s he at a hotel?” As Dustin asks the same question, Mike listens. And when he hears that Grayson is with his mother, he loses it. He snatches the walkie out of Hopper’s hand. “What the _fuck?_ If anyone gets to her before I do, you _wait!_ Nobody gets to talk to her before I do, got it? What the hell is she doing? Why are they at a fucking hotel? What is she thinking?”

Claudia answers hesitantly. Jim barely has time to restrain the kid before he chucks the walkie at the car. He sets down the device and grabs onto Mike’s arms. “You’re no good to anyone if you can’t be there. Take a breath, alright? Just take a breath. We’re gonna hurry.” He picks up the walkie. “Don’t do anything stupid. I don’t want to get there and arrest one of you. I mean it.” He waits for Mike to get in the car and then looks back at the house. He gets in the car and gets on his radio. “Hey boys… I need two of you out here at the Hargrove house. Just see if you can see anything inside through the windows and then I want you to guard the house until I get back.” At their affirmative, he drives toward the hotel at the edge of town. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

The Search Party – Billy and Eleven

Billy sits on the hood of his car and stares out over the quarry. It was obvious from the time they pulled up that Grayson isn’t here. Billy knew it already. It was silly for Hopper to send him out here unless he wanted him out of the way for a bit. He can’t blame him. Billy has been messing things up left and right. 

Eleven sits next to him, quiet and contemplative. She looks over at Billy and finally leans her head against his shoulder. She notices as he flinches and then becomes tense. She pats his knee with her hand. “Relax. You’re safe.”

Billy takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “You don’t know that, kid. Hell, I’m not even sure what it means to be safe. As long as Neil is out there and…” He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters.”

He looks down at the top of her head. “That easy, huh? Things either matter or they don’t? I guess that’s true.”

“Grayson matters.”

Billy bites down on his lower lip as tears spring to his eyes. “Yeah… yeah, Grayson matters.”

She sits up and turns his face toward her gently until he shifts to face her. She puts her hands on his cheeks and watches as tears begin to fall. 

“You love him.”

He nods. “Yeah, I love him. He’s my best friend. I wouldn’t have survived without him.”

“You hated people.”

He nods. “I couldn’t breathe. I was so angry all the time.” He sighs. “You’re really easy to talk to.”

She smiles. “I make the path clear… for your thoughts.”

He arches an eyebrow, not sure what she means, but grateful that she’s so kind and seems to know what he needs. “I don’t know what to do. I shouldn’t have come back here.”

“You should have. It was good. You’re working hard.” She closes her eyes for a second and then opens them and smiles. “You love Kyle, too. It’s different.”

He smiles back at her. “I love Kyle very much. He taught me things about myself and he showed me how to not be afraid of who I am. I’m never going to stop loving him.”

“And he loves you.”

“Yup, he sure does. We’re really happy. He and I… we could be forever, but… I’m not sure that’s going to work out.”

“Because you love Steve.”

His eyes widen and he pulls away from her. “Whoa… what? No… No, I do not… I mean I feel really bad for what I did, but no… no, you got it wrong.” He slides off the hood. “Steve Harrington is a good man and I… I mean I wronged him and… that’s not even the right word. That’s not a strong enough word to explain what I… I mean I…” He feels the tightness in his chest and places his hand there. “I… I can’t breathe…”

She gets off the hood and calmly walks toward him. She wraps her arms around him and rubs his back gently. “You can breathe.”

Billy fights to get the air in his lungs and finally sucks a deep breath in only to have it release as a broken sob. “Shit… shit I cry too much. 

“Just enough.”

He hugs her back and lets himself cry a bit longer before taking a few good deep breaths and feeling himself calm. “Jesus, kid… you’re kind of dangerous with this intense mental shit.”

She nods. “That’s what Hopper says.”

“Look, Steve is great. I mean, I hated him so no, I don’t love him.”

Eleven moves away from him and looks out over the quarry, as he did earlier. “No, you didn’t hate him. You were angry because you couldn’t have him. You were hurt before and you couldn’t make the same mistake. And now he’s gone and you wanted to get away from him so you didn’t have to face what you lost… what you could never have. You saw it every day and you were angry. You still are.”

“Look, I don’t know what you think you know, but-“

“I know the truth. Maybe you should let yourself know it, too.”

The two stare at each other, Eleven calmly assessing the boy and Billy trying not to fly into another panic attack as truth fights with his denial. He’s about to tell her what he’s realizing when the walkie flares to life. He reaches into his car through the open window and listens as the conversation takes place. He clenches the piece of equipment tighter as he hears that Grayson is at a hotel with Karen Wheeler. But when Claudia finishes her information, saying that Nancy told her that Grayson wanted one thing from her mother… that he’d gone willingly with her… he knows that Grayson is in over his head. He doesn’t speak into the walkie. He opens the door and tosses it in the back seat. He looks at El and she shudders at the calm, yet deadly, intent she sees in his eyes. 

She nods, understanding. “We’ll stop her.” She gets in with him and barely has her seatbelt on before he roars off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it's dragging out, but the next chapter we will see what's going on with Grayson and Karen (none of it good) and also probably see The Party arrive on the scene. Wish me luck!


	37. The Party - Saving Grayson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Party finds Grayson.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for Drug Facilitated Sexual Assault. There is no detailed description of the type of sexual assault as it is written from the perspective of the victim. 
> 
> I struggled with this chapter for a lot of reasons. I happen to love Grayson. I love him a lot. And I couldn't bring myself to harm him, but then I thought of a way around that. He's still hurt, but I don't have to think about it as much right now. So... after a lot of work and writing and re-writing, I came up with this. Please be gentle with me on this one. I am not sure that I've ever struggled so much because of my love of a character and not just because of writing technique. Especially since he's MY character. I gave him life so... yeah, it's just a big deal for me.

Karen helps Grayson lie down on the bed and smiles as her plan seems to be working better than she thought. She hadn’t been sure what was going to happen earlier, but everything eventually fell into place. 

_Karen tells Nancy to turn up the radio. She doesn’t really need her daughter overhearing anything about what she talks to Grayson about. Once the music is sufficiently drowning them out, Karen pulls Grayson to her. “Tell you what, I’ll just hold you. You’re so upset right now and I just want to help you calm down._

_Grayson shakes his head, still trapped in the throes of his living nightmare, of his panic. “I can’t breathe…”_

_She rubs his arm. “I’m right here, darlin’. Your mother hold you like this? Does it help?”_

_Grayson squeezes his eyes shut. He wants his mother now. He knows it’s childish, but all he can think about is Morgan and how he murdered himself _and_ their family. How he’ll never know what it’s like to be held by his mother again. How his father will never forgive him once he knows the truth. He sinks into the warmth Karen Wheeler provides because right now it is the only comfort he can find against the burning pain in his chest and the tightness in his throat. If he could breathe, he’d scream. But the small ache in his head from when he smacked it on the sidewalk earlier is starting to spread and he’s irrationally certain that if he _did _scream, he’d fracture his skull._

_Soon Karen’s hot breath is fanning the side of his face and he can barely hear her past the sound of the blood rushing in his ears. “I’m going to help. How about we talk at the hotel and I can explain what happened with Billy and you can tell me what steps we need to take to keep me safe. You’re right. I wouldn’t want to leave my children.”_

_He breathes a sigh of relief and the tightness that’s been working its way down his chest, loosens. “That’s right… you don’t want to do that.” He can hear Nancy rambling now, talking about Jonathan and his inability to forgive and Billy and his interference in everyone’s lives. Grayson pulls away from Karen a bit, sitting up and squinting against the light. “I’ll find you help.”_

_She smiles at him. “I’m sorry I tricked you into coming with me. Clearly I don’t always make the best decisions. But… why do you want to help me? I haven’t always done the right thing.”_

_“A lot of people haven’t.” He takes a few deep breaths as nausea threatens. “I’m sorry that I had a panic attack while talking with you. There are just some things I don’t want to talk about because it gets me worked up.” He frowns and rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “Tell you what, I’ll… stay and talk for a few minutes. We’ll make sure that you have a plan in place for if you start feeling really low. But then I’m leaving. And I’ll need to use your phone at some point. I don’t want anyone to worry about me.” He winces as the pain flares again. “Shit… And I probably need to get an aspirin if you have some.”_

_Karen nods. “Sure. Sure, that’s fine.” She frowns as Grayson winces again at a particularly shrill tone of Nancy’s voice and tells her basically to stop talking._

_Grayson’s head starts hurting more and he’s sure that he’s going to vomit. He tries to tell Karen this, but his words won’t form. He feels as if he’s looking through a window covered in Vaseline. All he knows is that someone is helping him and he’s moving with purpose toward a door. Something about pain killers and a bed to finally collapse on and a bathroom to lose his lunch in is appealing and he doubts he’ll ever remember whether he walked there or was dragged there. But it doesn’t matter because he’s soon in the room and seeking relief._

Karen has to wonder how she got so lucky. The plan was simple. Talk to this boy and convince him to have Billy talk to her and get her family back together. It kept changing and growing until now she wants revenge more than reconciliation. She wants to ruin this boy who means something to Billy, the boy who, according to Nancy, had brought about changes in Billy that led him to think it was okay to destroy her marriage. 

She brushes his hair back from his forehead. “It really aches, huh?”

Grayson licks his lips. “Yeah… it’s easing up. Laying down helps. But can I please get something? Aspirin? Anything?”

“Sure baby, I’ll get you something. Hold on. Let me get you a drink, too.” She leaves the room to go to the ice machine, grinning as she imagines what Billy will do when she tells him what a good boy Grayson was for her. 

She isn’t gone for more than a couple of minutes when Grayson opens his eyes and groans due to the light. He rolls over and off the bed and manages to close the curtains before leaning up against the wall. He is about to head toward the phone when the door opens, letting in more light. “Shit…”

Karen gasps. “What are you doing up? Here, sit down…” She leads him over to the small armchair in the corner and he sinks into it, closing his eyes against the pain. She gets him a glass and fills it halfway with ice before pouring in part of a bottle of soda. She sets it down on the end table by him and then goes over to her bags. “I’ll get those pills.”

Grayson has an itch in the back of his mind and he doesn’t ignore it. He opens his eyes and looks over at her. “Wait… Just… give me the bottle.”

Karen arches an eyebrow and shrugs. “Don’t trust me?”

“Can you blame me?” He looks at her and waits. 

She sighs. “Fine. God…” She finds a box and walks over to him. “Here. New box and everything. Clearly I’m not drugging you.”

Grayson nods. “Sorry… I just felt a bit nervous all of a sudden.” He unwraps the bottle carefully and takes two of the mild pain reducers. He takes a few good deep breaths and then frowns as eventually the pain starts fading into dizziness. “Um… I don’t know… maybe I _do_ need to lie down…” He stands up and then stumbles. “What… what’s wrong with me?”

Karen helps him back on the bed. “You had a headache, remember?”

Grayson’s eyes are open, but it feels as if he’s not seeing everything around him. He tries to stay still, hoping that it will ease up soon. He watches as Karen goes into the bathroom and closes the door. He closes his eyes for only a second, but suddenly she’s next to him. He’s certain that he’s lost time, but it doesn’t feel like he slept. “Mrs… Mrs. Wheeler?” He pulls in a breath and moans as it aches in his chest. “Karen?”

“I think you did something bad when you hit your head, Grayson. I called Billy over at Dustin’s house and he’s on his way.”

Grayson sighs. “Thanks… Thank you…”

“Here, let’s get some of these clothes loosened.” She moves over him and starts pushing his light jacket off of his shoulders. “There we go.”

Grayson tries to hold onto the moments as they pass, but they slip away like wisps of smoke. He whimpers a few times when reality sneaks through the fog. He feels someone, he assumes Karen, palming at his crotch. He can’t say whether he’s hard or not. His body seems to be in a different place than his thoughts and his sensations. Sometimes the room spins and other times he is the one spinning. At one point, he’s certain that he’s upside down and spinning around and around, but then he’s on his back and his mouth is warm. He’d even go so far to describe it as fever hot. Karen is trying to get something out of his mouth and he can feel her fingers caressing his teeth and his tongue and his cheek from the inside. Pain slices across his chest and he hisses and tries to escape, but then his legs are tied, perhaps to the ceiling. That’s when he feels a hand pulling at his belly button, pulling out his intestines through the small hole someone made there. There’s no pain, but it’s annoying because he’s certain that his intestines are supposed to stay inside of his body. 

Then comes the pain. He cries out for it to stop, but it is also the one thing that pulls him as close to reality as possible in the moment. There is pain and heat and he’s on fire and wax is melting all over his crotch and he feels it soaking through his skin. But then he’s cold and the abrupt change stuns him and then he’s hot again and wrapped tight so he can’t move and he wants to struggle, but also wants to go limp and allow the feeling to take him away forever. The conflict wages war on his ability to drift and the warmth on his skin travels through his insides and he finds his breath. He’s aware that he hasn’t breathed for what feels like hours now and his lungs demand it. So he pulls in a breath as far as he can until he wants to vomit and then he lets the air out, his throat vibrating harshly, and he screams. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

Dustin looks around the parking lot and then at Kyle. “Nobody’s here yet. Kyle… find a place to park and we’ll wait.”

Kyle does as he’s told, but is clearly about to burst out of his skin. “Dustin, he could be in there right now and he could be…. She could be…”

Dustin shakes his head. “Come on… Grayson isn’t scared of her. He’ll be alright.” He nudges Kyle and jumps out of the car when he sees Joyce and Will pull in. When they exit their car, he motions Kyle to get out of the car, too. “Hey, please tell me Hopper is right behind you. Kyle is about to lose his shit.” Kyle walks over just as Jonathan, Lucas, and Max drive in, parking on the other side of the car Kyle was driving. The doors are just starting to open when everyone freezes as Nancy pulls in. She hits her brakes when she sees the group waiting for her. After the initial shock, she pulls into a parking spot away from the building and slowly makes her way toward the growing group. She stares at them for a moment, the silence stretching awkwardly. 

Kyle, still not sure how everyone is handling the stress, leans into her space. “Which room is he in?”

Nancy frowns. “I told Dustin’s mom to tell you all not to come!”

“And my mom is going to listen to you? You’re as bad as your mom, Nancy! Do you even care that she kidnapped Grayson and took her to her hotel room?”

“That’s not what happened! We picked him up so he wouldn’t freeze. _He_ decided to go to the hotel with her.” 

“Nancy!” The screech of tires follows the yell and they all turn to see Hopper pulling in, stopping his car nowhere near a parking space as Mike jumps out and runs straight at Nancy, the window on his side still open from his rush to scream at her as they entered the parking lot. “Where is he, Nancy?” There are tears in his eyes as he processes the fact that he’s there to stop his own mother from hurting someone. 

“Mike, calm down. Mom just-“

“Mom just _nothing!_ How can you listen to her and help her? I wasn’t lying! I saw her with those guys and you act like she’s innocent!” He chokes back a sob as everything from the day catches up to him. He walks over to the nearest car, which happens to be Jonathan’s, and leans his forehead against the cold metal and covers his head and sobs brokenly.

Hopper looks over at Will and keeps his voice low. “Don’t ask questions. But he needs you right now.”

Kyle overhears and walks close. “You went to Neil’s… what happened?”

Hopper gestures for Kyle to follow him. When they’re far enough away, he glances over at Mike and then back to Kyle. “I’ll be asking for an arrest warrant for Neil. I can’t get into it, but I have officers at the house. Before he left, he locked me and Mike in the cellar with some… disturbing things. Mike found them first and he’s struggling. Watch him.” At Kyle’s nod, he goes over to Nancy, who is stubbornly refusing to tell them where the room is and demanding they leave so she can handle the situation. “Alright, enough… I need to know her room number and I need it now.”

Kyle wants to talk with the others. He wants to run into whatever room he’s in and rescue him, but he also knows that the chief will take care of things now that he’s here and he also knows that Grayson would be devastated to know that a kid is hurting because of this situation. He decides that the best thing he can do is to watch over Mike while the others find his friend.

Billy screeches to a stop, also nowhere near a parking spot, and jumps out of the car, Eleven close behind. But her eyes look like she’s planning to murder someone. Hopper is stunned for a moment as he turns toward her, wanting to see what’s got her so filled with rage. But then there’s a cry. Grayson is begging for something to stop and there is no more time. El is already walking toward the door when the scream comes. The hotel door flies outward, barely missing the cars that are parked there and a woman’s scream is cut short as she flies through the air and slams into the mirror on the wall, shattering it. 

Hopper rushes in, sees the boy on the bed, half naked and shivering. And he sees his daughter, her hand raised, the hateful glare in her eyes, and the blood dripping from her nose. He follows her gaze to the woman dressed in only a shirt and panties who is now up against the ceiling, struggling to understand what’s happening to her. Before Hopper can say anything, El turns and sees Grayson and her glare when she turns back to Karen becomes impossibly more rage filled. She slams Karen against the floor. And then the ceiling again, repeating herself as she growls out her anger. 

“You.” _slam_ “Don’t.” _slam_ “Touch.” _slam_ “Him!” _slam_. She lowers her hand and lets the woman fall from the ceiling, onto the shattered glass from the mirror after the first attack. 

Hopper grabs his daughter’s arm gently. “Hey… okay, you got her. Okay? Grayson’s safe.” 

She turns and watches the flurry of activity around Grayson. “She’s evil. She should be left in the woods….”

Hopper frowns. “Hey… okay, look… I don’t disagree, but we have other monsters to fight right now without inviting more.”

She sighs and nods. “Fine.” 

Hopper hugs her to him quickly. “I want you to wait in my car. I’m going to have to call an ambulance for her and I don’t want you to be seen.” He lets her go and watches her turn to glare at Karen’s limp and moaning form once more before going outside, moving past Max who is still standing in the doorway, staring at Grayson and those around him. Billy had run through the door immediately after Eleven and Hopper and couldn’t bother to notice what’s happening to Karen as he rushed to Grayson.

Max looks over at Nancy, who is being blocked from the door by Jonathan and Joyce. “Your mother is a monster.”

Nancy tries to get to the door again. “What did you do to her? She’s not a monster! If Grayson wanted rough sex that’s on him! He wanted to come here. He probably wanted to fuck her and is trying to play it off just like Billy did! They both deserve whatever they-“

Nobody notices the movement. Jonathan and Joyce are standing in such a way that Max slips right between them. But when Max’s punch lands straight into Nancy’s face, the two of them jump back in shock. It gives Max enough time to tackle the girl. 

“You _bitch!_ I’ll fucking _kill_ you! Don’t talk about Grayson _or_ Billy that way! They didn’t ask for _any_ of it! I _hate_ you!” She screams, letting out her rage at her, Neil for hitting her all those weeks and for hitting Billy all those years and even touching him as no father should ever touch his own child. She’s hauled off the teen by Jonathan, who holds her while she continues to kick and yell profanities at Nancy. 

Joyce pulls a bloodied Nancy up off the ground and then taps Jonathan’s arm as Max has dissolved into sobs. Jonathan hands off Max into Joyce’s loving arms and then reaches over and grips Nancy’s upper arm. “You look like shit. It’s time for you to go. Get yourself cleaned up. Tell your father what happened, in case he wants to talk to Holly about it. But just so you know, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure she heads to jail right after discharge from the hospital.”

“What? But she didn’t do anything!” She looks angry and she yells over at the others. “Mike! Let’s go home!”

Mike, who had watched the spectacle from the safety of Kyle’s arms, shakes his head. “No…”

Nancy tugs at Jonathan’s grip, but there’s no give. “Mike! Come with me now!”

Kyle pulls Mike tighter into the embrace as Will curls up against Mike’s back, both of them trying to comfort _and_ shield the boy.

Jonathan yanks Nancy toward him, mindful of her injuries. “He said no. I get it. Like mother, like daughter. Neither one of you understand how to respect when a man tells you no.” He pulls her even closer so they’re eye to eye. The blood on her face and the marks around her skin that are sure to bruise in the morning don’t register to him because he can’t allow himself to feel anything for her right now. He can only focus on the kids and what _they_ need. What _Grayson_ needs. “Go away, Nancy. You try to come near these kids or Grayson, and I’ll let Jane loose on you. Better yet, I’ll let Max get another run at you.”

She stares at him in shock and pulls at his grip again. This time he allows it and lets her go. She wraps her arms around herself. “I can’t go home looking like this. My father will wonder what-“

“Oh… I’ll make sure he knows _exactly_ what happened here. You might want to get home and tell him your version before I get there and tell him the truth.” He turns, leaving her and fighting the ache in his heart at seeing her change from the strong woman he loved to this girl who is too far in denial regarding her mother.

He helps his mother lead Max over to Kyle and Mike and Will as Eleven walks out and joins them. “Hopper says to wait in his car.” She moves to Will’s side and also wraps around Mike. “Sorry.”

Mike looks at her, resting his head against Kyle’s chest, letting the older boy’s heartbeat calm him and following his breathing in order to push back the panic building in him. “For what?”

Eleven shrugs. “For trying to kill your mom.”

Mike’s body tenses for a moment and then relaxes again. “It’s okay. It’s not like you actually killed her.”

Kyle frowns at the slightly numb sound to Mike’s voice and he looks at Jonathan. “We need to get these kids out of here.”

Jonathan nods. “I agree.” He glances at Joyce. “We can all meet back at Dustin’s house. Why don’t you take Max and Will and I’ll grab Lucas from inside and have him join you so he’s with Max.”

“That’s a good idea, honey. What are _you_ going to do?”

“I’m going to stay here with the others in case Hopper needs something. I’ll bring Dustin over once I get him.” He looks at Kyle. “I know you don’t want to leave Grayson or Billy, but I also know Mike is trusting you right now. What do you want to do?”

Kyle looks toward the room and shakes his head. “It’s okay. There’s nothing I can do right now for Grayson or Billy. I’ll bring Mike to your place.”

“I’m going, too.”

Kyle nods, acknowledging Eleven. “I expected you would.” He rubs Mike’s back once the other two move to get into the respective cars. “Come on, buddy. You can sit in the back with El and I’ll get you somewhere safe.”

Mike nods and lets Eleven guide him. Kyle looks back at the hotel room doorway and clenches his fists before taking a deep breath and getting into the car. He leaves quickly to avoid running in there and creating more of a mess for Hopper to clean up. He knows that Billy will call him as soon as he can and he can meet him wherever he needs to once he gets the kids safe and secure.

Jonathan and Will help Joyce get a still sobbing Max into the car. Will crawls into the front seat and waits, saying kind things to the redhead to try and calm her. Joyce slides into the driver’s seat and rubs her eyes. She wonders when this nightmare will end and when people who hurt others for sport will finally pay for what they’ve done. At least Karen Wheeler has met some form of justice by the sounds of it. 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_

When Billy drives into the hotel parking lot, he immediately feels his breath catch. He sees the group of people, but not Grayson. He is hopeful that they’d already gotten to him and that he is fine and talking to someone and lost track of time, but now he knows that isn’t the case. Grayson should be there, with the others, and he’s not. When he gets out with Eleven, the sound of Grayson crying out hits him like a punch to the gut. He heads toward the sound when El beats him to it, sending a door flying. He rushes after her and his eyes immediately go to Grayson. He doesn’t notice the chaos going on around him, but he finds comfort in the fact that the little girl is doling out some sort of punishment to Karen Wheeler. 

He sees Grayson stretching his neck, the tendons pulled taut as if he’s trying to arch away from something unseen. He pulls the sheet over his cock, which is weeping and looks painfully erect. He starts smoothing his hand down Grayson’s cheek and whispering “It’s alright” over and over again, not sure who he’s trying to convince. He’s not aware of the two boys near him until Lucas speaks. 

“Billy, what do you need for him? Just tell us what to do and we’ll do it.”

Billy looks up at Lucas and tries to figure out why he’s so blurry. “Uh…. Maybe a paper towel or something… I want to wipe down his face.”

Lucas nods. “Yeah, okay. Hold on.” He runs past the others into the bathroom. 

Dustin places a hand on Billy’s shoulder. “Hey, he’s going to be okay. We’ve got him now.”

Billy nods absently and then realizes that his face is wet with tears. “Oh… shit…” He scrubs at his face. 

Dustin stands there awkwardly and removes his hand. He’s not really sure how to comfort Billy since he hurt Steve, but he also knows that Grayson doesn’t deserve anything bad and if that means that Dustin has to be nice to the one person who can support him best, then that’s what he’ll do. 

Lucas runs back with a warm washcloth. “Here, I made sure it’s warm so he doesn’t get chilled.”

Billy nods. “Thanks.” He takes it and starts wiping Grayson’s face. “I’m so sorry. I never… God, I’m just sorry, Gray. You got caught up in the clusterfuck I created because I was a selfish asshole.” He sighs and shakes his head. He looks up at Dustin. “Look, you don’t have to listen to anything I say. I know that. But please… just do yourselves a favor. Don’t ever… Just don’t ever make the mistake of thinking you live in a bubble. Everything you do can have far reaching effects and can end up hurting good people. I really wish…” He frowns and keeps wiping Grayson’s face, pleased to see the boy start to relax and to see the tented sheet start to settle. 

Lucas sits on the side of the bed and touches Grayson’s hand lightly. He is trying to avoid looking over at El and the damage she’s inflicting because he doesn’t really want to be afraid of her. He looks over at Dustin and sees that the boy is staring at El in wonder. Lucas rolls his eyes. Of course Dustin would be happy to see a bad ass in action. He looks back at Billy. “What were you going to say? What do you wish?”

Billy takes a deep breath as Grayson finally seems to be resting peacefully. “I wish… if my father was going to beat me all the time, he would have beat _that_ lesson into me. I can pretend that I didn’t know what could happen, but that’s not true. It’s not that I didn’t know. It’s that I didn’t care.”

Dustin arches an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that everyone keeps talking about how I started this mess with Harrington and how I should have thought about what could happen and the truth is, if I’d taken a moment, I could have come up with all kinds of scenarios that are awful and evil and probably as bad if not worse than the reality. You’re all giving me too much credit thinking that my failing is that I didn’t think my actions through.”

Grayson whimpers and leans toward Billy, hearing his voice and knowing that he’s safe.

Billy cups Grayson’s cheek and kisses his temple before whispering in his ear. “I’m not going to let anything happen to you. It’s okay now, Gray.” He looks back up at the boys. “Not thinking isn’t my failing. Not _caring_ is. I was too wrapped up in myself and what I wanted and what I thought I deserved and what other people didn’t deserve. I was jealous and petty and I made a decision not to think about the consequences. It was a choice. It doesn’t matter what I do now to make up for it. I’ll _never_ be able to do anything to make up for it. There’s no erasing the fact that I was… I _am_ the type of person who can do whatever the hell I feel like and not care about anyone else or what happens to them. I’m not going to make excuses for what I did and I’m not going to pretend that making different choices now makes what I did before okay, but… I’ve been learning how to care. I’m going to keep learning. That’s the only thing I can do to somehow make amends. I can refuse to give up being the type of person who cares.”

Jonathan stands in the doorway as Billy keeps stroking Grayson’s hair and talking to the boys. He clears his throat. “Lucas… you need to go out there with Max. She’s not doing too well.” 

Billy turns as Lucas hurries out. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Nothing. She kicked Nancy’s ass for talking shit about you and Grayson. You know… you don’t deserve her.”

Billy nods. “Yeah… I know.” 

Hopper comes over then. “Billy, I’m going to have to call an ambulance. I don’t know how much he took.”

Billy frowns. “What are you talking about? Took what? Who?”

Hopper sighs. “I’m guessing you didn’t hear what Lucas and I were saying to each other earlier after he left the bathroom.”

Dustin crosses his arms over his chest and looks past him to the woman now lying on her back on the floor. She’s clearly in pain, but she’s also not looking as if she’s going to die or bleed to death or anything so dramatic. “Hopper… what the hell do you mean?”

“When Lucas was in the bathroom, he found an ice bucket. It looked off to him and he showed me. The water in it was cloudy. I found some residue of some crushed up pills and then I found these.” He pulls a bottle out of his pocket. “It’s a strong sedative. I think she gave him a drink that was laced with this. Looks like she dumped it in the ice bucket before she put any ice in it and then I’m guessing she scraped it from the bottom.” He points toward a glass on the table with cola in it, the ice long melted. “I’ll take that in and have it tested. I’m pretty sure we’re going to find out that there’s something in it.”

Jonathan looks down at Grayson and then looks at Hopper and keeps his voice low. “What exactly did she do to him?”

Hopper shakes his head. “No idea. I’m hoping he can tell me. She’s not really talking at the moment.” He goes over to the phone and dials up the station, giving instructions regarding sending help. He hangs up and goes back over to the boys. 

Jonathan touches Dustin’s shoulder. “Hey… come on. We need to get back to your place and Billy and Hopper can keep us informed. Maybe we can head to the hospital later. Right now, your other friends need you, too, and there’s nothing more we can do here. Billy and Hopper have it handled.”

Billy looks up then. “Where’s Kyle?”

“He took Mike and El back. Mike’s pretty… messed up.”

Billy’s eyes widen. “He went to my dad’s house. Did he hurt him? Did he fucking touch-“

Hopper interrupts. “No… No, Billy. Mike is just shaken up by some other stuff. He never even saw Neil.” 

Billy sighs in relief. “Okay… Okay good. Neil doesn’t need to hurt anyone else. Ever again.”

As Jonathan leaves with Dustin, the sound of sirens can be heard quickly approaching. Billy squeezes Grayson’s hand. “It’s over, Grayson. It’s over and Kyle and I are going to be here. You’d be happy to know that Kyle is taking care of kids. And one of those kids saved you. She’s great. And I have a feeling she’ll probably hover for awhile. She’s nice like that.” As the sirens stop outside the door, he looks up at Hopper. “Is she going to make it?”

Hopper nods. “Yeah, yeah she’s just roughed up.”

Billy shrugs a shoulder and starts fixing Grayson’s clothing to help protect his dignity a little bit. He just gets him covered as the paramedics rush in. Billy steps back as one team works on Grayson and the other goes to Karen. Hopper looks at Billy. “Look, go with Grayson. I’ll have the vehicles towed to the Hendersons.”

“What about yours, though?”

Hopper sighs. “I’m going with Karen Wheeler. She’s in my custody now.”

Billy bites down on his lower lip. “She won’t get away with it?”

Hopper shakes his head. “Not a chance, kid. Not a chance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm so glad I could write this. I'm at the ocean right now with my family and I have a little time before bed to write this and get it posted. I'm hoping it flows well because there was a break a few times while I was getting ready to go and then driving out here. My days are probably going to be stuffed full of stuff for my long weekend so I'm pretty sure the next chapter will take me a bit to post. Right now, it's looking like two or three more chapters. But it's me so... we'll see. :) 
> 
> Next up: Hospital shenanigans and reuniting at the Hendersons.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be numerous sequels to this.


End file.
